Turns, twists, and paradoxes
Notes
I'm happy to announce the official beginning of X-tra Dark Cream. The story follows Dark Cream comic by wonderful @zu-is-here, the timeline changes only at the very ending (or does it?), so if you somehow missed it, do take your time and read it first. That also makes my other series relevant to this one.
Also there was a teaser some time ago, go check it out if you're interested!
Chapter 1
“You’re still such a crybaby...”
Indeed, Dream thinks. That is true. But that’s alright, because...
Yeah. That’s why, Dream concludes, squeezing his only good eye socket shut. That is exactly why. After all, he feels the safest in his big brother’s loving arms. Their place is by each other’s side. But...
It’s only Nightmare’s illusion that falls, while the curse stays strong, unalterable perhaps, killing Dream slowly but surely; at this moment he feels especially vividly how the negativity so concentrated it gets physical embodiment as viscous dark liquid envelops his broken body, every relatively intact bone and every bone chip, big or tiny, — his whole being, progressively getting hold of the soul as well, one the guardian was never supposed to have in the first place.
Aghast, Dream acts without thinking, blindly following his heart, and desperately hugs his brother tighter, seeking warmth, solace... love. When Nightmare returns the embrace, Dream can’t help a sigh, half relieved, half surprised at such trust. It makes him feel in a very certain way like something is growing inside of him until it blooms, and it then grows even more, overwhelming him. That feeling, Dream easily realises, is grim determination to live up to Nightmare’s trust, and never betray it at any cost, and only make it stronger.
The brothers are all too focused on their newfound (perhaps, well forgotten old?..) closeness they both need so much, and utterly stunned by such an unexpected outcome, for the curse within one remains, yet both are alive, and neither is going to kill the other. How can it be?
They don’t hear the hurried steps or the knives clanking. The sharp wave of negativity is what’s impossible to miss or ignore. As the twins’ attention snaps back to the world around them, Cross’ hard voice suddenly rings out all too close, so much closer than it’s supposed to be. “Don’t you dare,” he says, and there’s a warning and a threat in his words.
Dream opens his eye socket and lets Nightmare go, regardless of how much he wants to stay like this, if only a little longer. What he sees is Cross’ back right in front of them, barely two steps away. His huge knife is nowhere to be seen, but fortunately, Killer seems unarmed as well. How long are they standing like that? Has Killer put his weapon away willingly, or has Cross managed to disarm him in a fight? Dream looks around yet doesn’t see the glint of metal anywhere. Apparently, this one was resolved without violence. Something tells him that’s a good sign.
Oh, stars. What is he even thinking about?
But if his thoughts weren’t focused on all those unimportant little things, the only one left would keep banging in his head, This can’t be happening. It is impossible. Impossible. Impossible. This thought is almost as heavy and viscous as the negativity covering Dream’s body, and it hurts just as much, and fear has its cold claws deep in his soul, and everything is just too much. Unbearable. Dream wants to scream and cannot make a sound. Only breathe. Only watch as Killer and Cross stand in front of each other, both tense and not intending to give up.
Nothing happens, but that doesn’t last long. Nightmare’s the one to take a step forward. “Killer. That’s enough,” he says.
Brother’s firm voice finally helps Dream return to reality. Panic goes away, and old yet bright memories take its place. A long time ago, Nightmare used a somewhat similar tone to soothe Dream when thunderstorms came, so confident and proud, but never unreachable. On the contrary, so close and familiar. Loving. So much time has passed, so many challenges and hardship and pain, yet some things stay the same. Dream sees and feels that so vividly, only for a moment, but that is suddenly enough to give him the strength to wipe the tears. Which makes it easier to see the trembling of Nightmare’s hands, although hidden subtly behind his back. Dream just knows better, notices how his brother holds himself tight, as if his life depended on it. He’s scared, too. The realisation lifts part of the weight off Dream’s shoulders. There are no more tears. Nothing to wipe.
Killer chooses this very same moment to raise his arms at a deliberately slow pace and make a few steps forward, stopping right beside Cross, who turns around to face the twins. Only now Dream can see how unnaturally calm his face is. He’s closed himself off and put on a mask. Not that it helps much, for Dream feels Cross’ bewilderment and dread as clearly as his own, feels how they dangerously verge on despair. But every second Cross is all too aware that shattered hopes and dreams would make the curse stronger and weaken Dream, and that hyper-awareness must be the only thing keeping him together.
Well, to be fair, he’s also overfilled with determination. That extraordinary force would never let his soul drown in despair, even if hope vanished without a trace.
Dream truly is so, so lucky.
He’s fallen into the stream of chaotic thoughts and emotions not only his own but also the others’, and thus, when Nightmare starts talking once again, Dream doesn’t realise it right away. This time it’s Cross’ attentive gaze that breaks him out of trance, worried and nonetheless warm. Yes, despite everything, the warmth is still there.
They nod to each other almost simultaneously, trying to do it subtly, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter if Nightmare or Killer notice their quiet exchange. Right now, it’s nowhere near the top of their priorities.
The words don’t make sense at first, yet Dream feels the urge to follow Nightmare’s voice, to lean closer in a desperate, futile attempt to fill the void inside. He... He missed his big brother so much. And at the moment, Nightmare somehow looks just like his old self. Even better, for he’s become grown-up... and so very strong.
The thought concludes everything, letting Dream focus on the conversation. Nightmare’s words are obviously an answer, not just a statement. Cross was silent, Dream would have captured the sound of his voice otherwise, no matter how deep in thought he was lost. That leaves Killer. What could he have asked? What do they do next? Then again, it’s not like there are any more important questions at hand. Only those that can wait.
Cross makes the last step forward, standing now right beside Dream, so strong and devoted, always ready to be relied on; Nightmare, in turn, steps away, although not toward Killer, who intently watches their every movement while barely moving, himself. All of this seems too much like a weird improvised dance full of awkwardness and tension, and that almost makes Dream laugh. Cough is the only sound he’s able to make. Cross gives him a worried look, so Dream shakes his head wordlessly. Everything’s alright, as much as possible in the utter chaos of their messed up lives.
“How are you feeling?” Nightmare asks. His voice is even and his expression is calm, yet Dream is certain his brother’s hands are still shaking, although hidden well behind his back.
He doesn’t get the chance to answer. Killer jumps in, “How do we know when we wouldn’t be able to trust him anymore?”
Nightmare’s gaze becomes remorseful, he furrows his brows, and even his single eye-light seems darker. He answers, weighing each and every word, “I was in Dream’s position almost all my life. I reckon, if anybody can see that line, it must be me.”
Dream’s fists clench. His brother has become so much better at pretending he’s perfectly alright and has everything under control, good enough that even Dream almost falls for that.
Almost, though. Dream is rather certain he knows better even after all those years apart. Years they spent fighting for Dream’s life — one brother tried to end it and another did all he could to keep it, — and yet the true Nightmare was still somewhere in there, deep-deep inside. Fighting for his own life, apparently, since the negativity hadn’t devastated him completely. Hadn’t ruined him either, it seems, at least not in the ways that would truly make a difference. Still, who knows how much damage is irreversible...
Nightmare is strong. So very strong. Dream wants to be proud of him, so much it hurts, only positive emotions harm him as well. Nowhere to run from this pain, no magical switch to turn it off, nothing to soothe it. Whatever he chooses, the consequences are the same. Dream tells about exactly that, as honestly as he can, “Positivity makes me weaker. It hurts.” After all, untruthfulness cannot do any good, and they need all the good they can get. It’s past time they learn that lesson. Start grasping the idea.
Nightmare frowns in response, and his grim expression makes Dream think. Was brother suffering like I am now? Maybe, it was easier for him, because he’s made of negativity as well... Perhaps, he was enduring agony so much worse, for a thousand reasons or for no reason at all.
Dream’s soul feels a bit heavier with an odd combination of compassion and fear. The darkness pushes and presses on, immediately spotting the weakness, using it to its advantage. It really would be so much simpler if Dream didn’t have any emotions in the first place.
“And negativity?” Nightmare asks in a heedful manner, like talking to a child. Or a bomb, utterly unpredictable, without a timer or any other sign of when, how, or why it would explode.
Dream really doesn’t want to answer that question. Why does Nightmare repeatedly drive him into a corner? Lies won’t lead him anywhere, but the truth is just unbearable. And it feels like it’ll get even more real, more powerful as soon as Dream says it out loud. Why does Nightmare do this to him?
No. It’s so easy to get lost in negative thoughts, it’s so tempting to make up the blame and place it on others, on himself, on the whole world. That’s why Dream takes a deep breath.
Then breathes out, ever so slowly.
“Negativity steadily kills me.” His voice falters, but he continues. “At least I think so.”
Nightmare closes his sockets. Cross quivers like he’s been hit and leans a little closer to Dream, and even Killer swallows — not loudly, but there is still only deserted silent space around, so no sound conceals what’s happening, no movement distracts them, nothing is in their way.
Quite possibly, it’s for the best. Dream’s got enough chaos in his own head.
Cross opens his mouth to speak, but no words come. Apparently, because Nightmare raises an open hand — a gesture even Dream is familiar with, one demanding silence. Killer obviously obeys, but so does Cross, without a second of hesitance. Interesting how something never changed, even though Cross has been by Dream’s side for a long time. Some little habits that just stayed there. Does Cross even realise that? Perhaps not...
Nonetheless, he’s great at what he does. Protecting and supporting. Warmth and pride take over Dream’s soul, so light and gentle; they quickly become agony, burning and freezing at the same time, and Dream can only hope his expression doesn’t give the sharp pain away. Although he’s always been bad at lying, or even keeping things secret.
It does get worse as time passes. How much does he have left?
In any case... Here and now, Dream’s with his brother, and they are talking. He’s got this chance. If his death, not immediate but inevitable, is the price...
As soon as he meets Nightmare’s serious, hard gaze, he realises he didn’t end that thought. Somehow, it relieves a tiny bit of the pressure.
“Think carefully and answer this truthfully. Have you talked to a voice? Have you responded?”
Well, that’s unexpected. Out of nowhere, dare he say. And if Cross and Killer’s reactions are anything to go by, it’s not just Dream who is missing something. Both their companions keep straight faces, but Dream doesn’t need any telling signs to tell how a person feels. Regardless of his own desires and preferences, he just knows.
At the moment the three of them are equally bewildered.
“A... voice? What are you talking about? What voice?”
“A male voice,” clarifies Nightmare firmly and moves closer to Dream once again. It’s almost funny how similar Killer and Cross are in their tension, readiness to attack — to protect — if needed, and their motives are not identical but the same in nature. It seems both twins have found someone to rely on, someone who’d stand by them.
That train of thought makes Dream anxious in a way that drags him down, crushes his head, and clenches his soul. Anxiety that verges on horror.
Since the beginning, they were alone.
Nightmare carefully, gently takes Dream’s hands in his. His bare fingers are as delicate and fragile as Dream’s own, hidden under layers of gloves and gloop. A mere second before touching he hesitates, although so briefly it must go unnoticed by anybody but the twins. Dream does notice.
So, Nightmare trusts him yet stays wary.
“Please, brother, it’s important,” Nightmare continues. “He could manipulate you. Humiliation and invalidation, flattery, blackmail, he’d use everything. When you held the black apple, was there someone else in your head? Is there now?”
So, so long ago, when Nightmare talked in such a serious manner, Dream couldn’t help chuckling. No matter how much he tried, his laughter broke free. If Nightmare ever got offended or upset, he didn’t show it — instead he used to shake his head fondly and asked to not be so careless. Many centuries passed, and even now Dream feels the urge to chuckle. Only it’s different; this time, he couldn’t make a single strangled sound, even if he wanted to.
Oh, how much he wants to.
Then, that tiny bit of positive emotions is carried away, forcefully changed into fatigue and pain, so sharp it makes him want to fall and bend and to never get up. Dream is so very tired. So much effort just to stand on feet, and Nightmare’s weird questions don’t help at all. Still, he responds, clear uncertainty in his tone, “I... don’t know?..” Sounds half-questioningly, so Dream coughs, making a pause, then proceeds. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”
Nightmare lets Dream’s hands go, and Dream really cannot deny the desire — almost need — to reach out and make their contact last a moment longer, please, please...
Since when are his preferences and needs are of any importance?
Therefore, Dream lets the moment go, his hands hanging by either side like a dead weight. What’s the point if Dream can’t even touch his brother without being afraid? How long will it take him to lose control? To... die?
The world’s always been so unfair to them. Why is the world so unfair to them? What did they do to deserve this?
Unaware of the thoughts tearing his twin’s mind apart (or maybe knowing them all too well?..), Nightmare brushes his right temple, yet never starts rubbing. Dream remembers how he used to do exactly that when lost in thoughts that just don’t seem to lead anywhere yet. Like a dead end. So... No answers from his brother, it seems, at least not right now.
The pause gets so long it’s awkward. Dream finds himself enveloped in overwhelming distress, his chest tight and heavy.
Cross, as if feeling something, moves closer once again, and their shoulders are touching now, and — the last blow, only in a good way, — he takes Dream’s hand, so sure and steadfast. At that moment, there is so much love between them, such a deep and strong desire to protect and support no matter what... Stunned by the intensity of their feelings, the negativity miraculously withdraws. Suddenly, Dream can exist almost freely, almost painlessly.
He lets out a breath and looks Cross in the sockets with all the gratitude in the world, squeezing his hand. Their movement seems to help Nightmare focus because he stirs and finally says, every word clear, clipped, and unexpectedly loud, “Interesting. His silence might buy us some time.” Then, he lowers his voice, as if sharing a secret, “Or it could be a sign of extreme danger.”
“How do we tell which one is true in our case?”
Faithful, resolute Cross. He understands even less than Dream, and he’s scared — scared to fail him, scared to lose him — yet he is ready to fight. And maybe it’s just Dream seeing things, but for a mere second, he sees Killer’s satisfied smile; people smile like that when something lives up to their expectations. The chances are high it’s just Dream’s imagination, for he doesn’t pay much attention to anything but his brother. Only the warmth of Cross’ hand reminds him of the world around.
Nightmare sighs and shakes his head, “I need more information.” His tone is close to guilty, apologetic. Although Dream doesn’t get the chance to comment, or react at all, since Killer chips in, deliberately nonchalant and careless, “No need to waste time chatting, then. Which way, boss?”
“No haste, Killer. A single misstep will cost us many lives, ours included. You are right, though, we do need to part ways.” Nightmare makes a pause, and all too clearly Dream sees how his he does his best to not hunch and hug himself tightly in an attempt to shrink and take less space. Yet another habit from the past. Despite his struggles, Nightmare manages to keep his voice firm and confident, “Back home, for a start. Something has gone wrong, and all of us will need all energy we can get to figure this out.”
And recover from the recent events, he doesn’t say, but Dream knows nevertheless. So does Killer, that’s for sure. Cross... Well, he definitely can take a guess.
Nightmare offers a hand, and somehow Dream shakes it with just a moment of delay. For a second he just hangs there, staring at the palm he’d thought he’d never see again. Staring at Nightmare — true Nightmare, the brother he loves so very much, then how could it be, why such cruelty?..
All too soon the touch is gone again, and Cross leads Dream to the side, ever so gently, as if a single tiny misstep would break him.
As if he’d drag the whole Multiverse down with him.
“Dream?” Nightmare calls, suddenly.
Do not hope, Dream tells himself. Don’t even turn around.
“Yeah?” he responds, weakly. It takes too much just to say this short word. It takes too much to not sob, or for his voice to not crack. Please, let him hold the tears back, at least in front of his brother. Let him be strong enough to delay the moment he falls and shudders with wails. Merely a delay, that’s all he’s asking for.
“If you ever hear that voice, please, do not answer. Or at least never agree to anything.”
What joy. This time, Dream can’t reply with one word. Pulling himself together, he forces something that remotely resembles a chuckle. “I still don’t have any idea what you’re talking about, but I promise to never react to any unfamiliar voices in my head. Stars, that sounds weird.”
Thinking about insignificant nonsense is times easier than focusing on the most important. Laughing it all off and brushing everything away is way simpler than reflecting and seeking solutions. Besides, it’s not like Dream can change anything right now.
“No. Don’t make promises. Just... do your best, alright? That will buy us some time.” Nightmare’s voice expresses none of the pain his words hold. Dream knows that for sure. After all, his brother seems to talk from experience, which possibly means he has failed once, and he’d never expect Dream to do something he couldn’t. That Dream can’t know for sure, there is no way to prove or deny his guess, but it’s there, as much as he doesn’t like it. Once again, has his opinion ever been of any importance?
Then, Nightmare orders in his firm, demanding voice, “Killer, give Cross a temporary access code to our place.” Dream doesn’t need to turn around to know his brother is starting to work on a plan already. Practically feels gears turning in that brilliant head of his. “As for you two, come there when the code almost expires. That much time should be enough.”
Dream notices how Nightmare doesn’t even think to clarify — enough for what? He likely has no idea either. Just enough.
Dream... cannot force a single word out of himself.
It hurts. He’s scared. Why would they divide?
No. No. He knows why. Because he can be dangerous. He’s got to go back to the anti-void, the only place that has nobody he could harm. Well, except for Cross. He’ll be there to look after Dream until it’s time to meet again. They’ve come through so much together, surely they’ll handle this as well.
“I got the code,” Cross informs, finally, and is Dream hearing things, or does he actually sound perplexed? Ah, never mind.
“I’ll see you again,” Nightmare states behind them as a matter of fact.
Dream tries to answer, but nothing comes. At the moment, there’s no strength left in him to form even one word. Cross comes to the aid, agreeing bluntly, “Naturally.”
Then, they come through a portal, and Cross immediately hurries to close it. Here, in relative safety, away from his brother, Dream finally lets his legs give away, falling on the knees. His whole body trembles violently in anguish and dread that are coming out as tears, Dream wails until he can’t hear himself anymore, and after that, the screams come — incoherent at first, they quickly turn into words, and words become long, long sentences filled with misery and despair. Dream isn’t really aware of what he’s saying, exactly; he just lets the pain and the words out.
At the back of his mind, there’s a feeling of somebody close by... Who?.. Who’s there to share his agony, who could hold so much compassion towards the cursed fallen guardian?..
Dream clenches his fists, ready to hit the invisible floor. What stops him is one clear, vivid sensation. There’s a ring on his finger, and the glove covers his finger just a bit too tighter under that thin line. That ring has so much more to it than just physical weight.
Oh, Cross... All this time — who knows how much that is — he’s been standing there, waiting patiently for Dream to be ready for his help and support, has he not? No, that’s a silly question. Of course, he has. It cannot be otherwise.
Dream awkwardly turns around and reaches out blindly. In an instant, he’s in a tight embrace. Tears are still burning on his cheeks, almost as much as the negativity, but now Dream has so many more sensations to focus on. They keep his mind occupied until there’s no space left for pain.
Even, deep breaths Dream does his best to adjust to. Movement of the chest, hidden under the layers of stiff yet durable clothes. Weight of the hands that hold close, tender and loving. An anchor, just for Dream.
Belatedly, he hugs Cross back.
The darkness surrounds him, penetrating his mind and soul, but... here and now, the fallen guardian isn’t alone.
The tears keep falling. Nothing is over. This, apparently, is only the beginning.
Credits
Cross © jakei95 / xtaleunderverse
Shattered!Dream © shattereddreamsau
X-tra Dark Cream © me (anfie / anfie-in-the-box)
Read it on ao3 (link to be added)
Read Russian version on ficbook (link to be added) or fanficus
Notes
I'm so x-cited! The twins and their companions, not so much.
If anybody is still lost, this story begins during the last part of Dark Cream comic. Nightmare's words are the same here and there; that should help you navigate.
The last sentences? Those are totally a reference to this. I live for references, so there's likely much more, I'm just not ready to write them all down. Maybe I'll get back to that later. We'll see.
Feel free to let me know what you think, I'd be delighted to hear you out and discuss things that aren't spoilers!
Thanks for reading, and take care 🌻
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