Racing Turtles

filing this boeotian figurine under "artifacts that stand outside your bedroom door at 1 am and say "i frew up""

this is so fucking funny to me. who wants to join the ancient athenian evil dining club with me

it's me boy, the medieval scribe speaking to you inside your brain. listen to me boy. draw in the margins of your notes instead of paying attention

love this egyptian figurine of a woman baking bread in the brooklyn museum. she looks exactly like me while i'm waiting for my food to be done in the microwave. truly an eternal experience

yeahhhhh sorry i havent responded to your email yet. the haruspex i hired to inspect the entrails before every email i send keeps finding weird spots in the liver. i'll get back to you as soon as the omens are propitious. sure it'll be any day now

had a dream the other day that america decided to bring back the poena cullei (death penalty where you sew someone up in a sack with a bunch of animals and then throw the sack into a river) but only for us senators and so every senate meeting just devolved into people shouting "THE SACK! THE SACK!" whenever ted cruz talked

is there anything better than an ancient greek hedgehog figurine? i think not

Not to counter, but rather bring up in equal measure, I present Ancient Egyptian Hedgehog figure: 

It’s blue… humanity really has spent thousands of years making the same goddamn shit huh

The Egyptian hedgehog is my favorite, but this one from Iran comes in at a close second.

Look at the wheels! The symmetry! The little snub nose! Somebody’s kid, you just know, was absolutely obsessed with these things and wore their parent down until finally mom or dad was like fine, FINE, I will make you a hedgehog. (A super fast hedgehog that you can race with, cause it’s on wheels.)

Since for some reason, this reblog chain doesn’t include the Greek hedgehog, here it is.

Centuries of humanity going “Look at this funny little guy.”

dionysus big naturals

hey so this is simultaneously the best and worst reply you could have ever made to my post

i think we should start using ancient mosaics as reaction images more often. sometimes nothing captures your current feeling as much as a 1st century pompeian mosaic of a skeleton awkwardly standing around with two wine jugs

when you make a bad joke and all of your friends groan

dude you should have been at the club last night it was insane. the dj was playing the lament and funeral of hector from the iliad and everyone was beating their breasts and tearing open their garments. at the end we all built up a funeral pyre in the middle of the dance floor and set it aflame. we were all feeling the inherent human connection through millennia old poetry, it was wild

i love reading classics scholarship from the early 20th century and having it inevitably start off with something insane like this

i think constantly about the fact that a lot of roman toilets have depictions of the goddess of good fortune in them to give you good luck while shitting

concept: a monster factory style video but it’s filmed from the perspective of the greek gods inventing literal monsters

hermes, looking at the hecatoncheires: okay, so, pros and cons

apollo: pros and cons. i hate the number of hands that there are

hermes: bad to look at

straight up losing my mind at the roman custom of not allowing someone who was given burial when still alive to attend sacrifices. the conflicting love and honor of being given the best burial your loved ones could provide without having your body against the exclusion of being barred from sacred rites and treated as a shade still walking the earth. going insane about this one lads.

banned from the study of late republican roman history for referring to mark antony exclusively as cleopatra's trophy husband

new favorite type of ancient artifact: ancient greek skyphoi decorated with owls who look like they've seen unspeakable horrors

Ancient owls are the best.

the ancient greeks and egyptians were so correct on this one. the world needs more hedgehog shaped vessels

they were right. more of these please