zenosanalytic reblogged
hey girl are you gold and mercury. because. AuHg
don't be funnier than me on my own post
zenosanalytic reblogged
thanks I hate it
You Got a Friend In Horse
YOU DO NOT HAVE A FRIEND IN HORSE
You have many friends in horse!
YOU HAVE MANY NOT FRIENDS IN HORSE
zenosanalytic reblogged
I feel like a Christian arts and crafts store engaging with ISIS in a Mesopotamian tablet smuggling ring should be more than a one-day story.
Hobby Lobby’s Hammurabi robbing hobby
yellowjuice
I can’t believe you’ve done this
zenosanalytic reblogged
Oh, oh, this reminds me of the only known bilingual palindrome:
Anger? ‘Tis safe never. Bar it! Use love.
Spell that backward and you get:
Evoles ut ira breve nefas sit; regna!
Which is Latin for:
Rise up, in order that your anger may be but a brief madness; control it!
Whenever I see stuff like this I wonder how people even come up with it.
zenosanalytic reblogged
Anonymous asked:
can u draw a dragon
zenosanalytic reblogged
you gotta be dunkin my donuts
macotaco1
you gotta be huttin my pizza
redscout
you gotta be mackin my donalds, man
youre really innin’ my outs here, buddy. youre fivein my guys.
teroknortailor
ya whitin my castle. ya dairyin my queen. ya steakin my shake.
lazerwitcharoonie
But are you belling my taco
savingthrcw
you’re expressing my panda
tkdancer
you’re starring my bucks here bud
u rly krispin my kremes my dude
sharkbait-tumbles
You’re really carling my junior here bucko
lelophant
wendys
I just want to point out that most of these sound a lot more like ironically inept sexual innuendo than expressions of disbelief u__u
zenosanalytic reblogged
julius caesar lives to a ripe old age
julius geezer
julius caesar gets a cold
julius sneezer
julius caesar starts a rock band
julius weezer
julius caesar is a ladies’ man
julius please her
bailxrganas
julius caesar rents apartments
julius leaser
julius caesar makes fun of other senators
julius teaser
yer fired
julius caesar begs not to be fired
julius please, sir
zenosanalytic reblogged
This is probably going to get me some odd looks, but this makes me think about Jane Austen!
It’s so funny, but so deeply dependent on this specific moment in time, in 2016, when Adele is all over the damned radio, and nobody (in this really specific cultural sphere) needs context for the joke, and part of the joke is that nobody needs context for the joke.
There’s a bit in Pride and Prejudice where Elizabeth and Caroline are walking on the grounds at Netherfield, and they bump into Darcy and Mrs. Hurst. Caroline, who’s trying really hard to get Darcy to put a ring on it, immediately attaches herself to his free arm, leaving Lizzie kinda awkwardly stranded, since the path in the garden is only wide enough for three. Darcy’s embarrassed by this blatant rudeness, and tries to say, “Hey, let’s go walk someplace else, where we can all fit,” but Lizzie, who thinks they’re all a bunch of boring losers and wants an excuse to ditch them, retorts, “You are charmingly group’d, and appear to uncommon advantage. The picturesque would be spoilt by admitting a fourth.”
The year Austen wrote P&P, everybody was obsessed with this guy named William Gilpin and his ideas about art and nature appreciation. “Picturesque” was the word used to describe ideal landscapes, and by ideal Gilpin et al literally meant things like “that hill is adorned with the correct number of cows.” Three is a pleasing number for cows on hillsides (and otters on otterslides!); four is gauche.
And that example was so well known that that is certainly what Lizzie was alluding to, and all four characters, and most of Austen’s educated readership, would have known it. Lizzie just called them a bunch of cows and ran off.
This is why Jane Austen is my favourite.
Tumblr, you are my other favourite.
This has been a post.
zenosanalytic reblogged
Anonymous asked:
"or pronounced the same as ‘sh’, as in ‘machine’." Sharon, immortal ferryman of the dead
It had only been a week, thought Hades. One sodding week. And really, wasn’t that just the kicker? He’d had the gall - no, the audacity - to take one whole week off work, and this was what he got in return. Seven days of sunning himself in the Bahamas, trying to take his mind off the constant wails of the dead, and this was the price. A golden tan that would be the envy of Zeus and Aphrodite for weeks to come, and this.
The woman cleared her throat, shifting her weight in the boat so that it rocked on the river Styx in an ominous manner.
“That’ll be one coin, love,” she said, disinterestedly inspecting what looked like a broken gemstone on one of her pink nails.
“Right,” said Hades, “there’s a problem with that. Two, actually.”
The woman sighed, pushing a hand through pristine platinum hair in agitation. “Look, if you don’t have the fee, then - ”
“No, it’s not that,” Hades interrupted. “It’s - look, can I speak to Persephone about this?”
The woman frowned and folded her arms. Her bangles jingled as she did so. “No coin, no voyage across the Styx into the realm of the dead,” she said. “I can call Persephone, but I don’t think she’ll appreciate it, to be honest. She’s got an appointment.”
Hades inhaled, counted to five, and exhaled again. He could see his breath in the cold underground air. “An appointment.”
“Yes,” the woman affirmed, nodding. “Something to do with her husband coming home, wanting to surprise him with some new hairstyle. I hear he’s been basking in warmer climes, left her to do all the housekeeping and then some. It’s all right for some, innit?”
Hades cleared his throat. “Yes, well,” he said, abashed. “He does have quite a busy job, I think. He hasn’t taken time off in about four centuries.”
“I don’t even get a lunch break,” the woman countered, pursing her lips, which, Hades noticed, were painted a rather odd shade of frosted pink. “The dead wait for no man. Or woman. Or sandwich and a little sit down, apparently.”
“That’s terribly unfortunate,” Hades agreed. “But you see, the person who usually does your job - and where is he, by the way? - he doesn’t actually need to eat.”
The woman frowned. “We can’t all be Kate Moss.”
“I don’t even know who that is,” Hades sighed. “But I really do need to speak to Persephone, because I don’t have any money on me at all. I don’t carry change.”
The woman nodded sympathetically. “See,” she said, “I’ve been hassling Persephone to get one of those card machines. Contactless payment, that’s the best thing really, but just a normal credit card thing would be fine. No-one carries cash any more, do they? Not unless they need to scratch off the little bit on a scratch card, and honestly, I think that’s a dying market and all. It’s all online, innit?”
Hades blinked. The woman stared up at him, waiting for an answer to what Hades was only now realising was a genuine question.
“Yes,” he offered meekly, and the woman beamed.
“See, I knew I was onto something,” she said. She gestured towards the front of the boat, which sagged somewhat sadly forwards with the shift in weight. “It could go there, you see? Then, all the people could queue up and it would be a much more efficient process.” She hummed. “I’m wasted as a psychopomp, honestly. Customer service was always my forté. That and nail art.”
Again, the wait. The eager stare. Hades thought about death.
“Yes,” he repeated.
The woman grinned again, apparently delighted. Then, pretending to stealthily look around, she leaned closer to Hades, and began speaking in a stage whisper.
“Look,” she said. “The boss won’t like this much, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right?”
“Technically correct,” agreed Hades, because it was.
“So,” the woman continued, “I’ll let you across this time, free of charge, on the condition that if you’re ever saved from this realm by one of those do-gooder hero types, you pay the fee twice on your return. Deal?”
“Deal,” said Hades, “although I have to warn you that it’s very unlikely that any hero will ever try and save me.”
“You never know,” the woman said, steering the boat closer to the shore so that Hades could step on board. “We get all sorts rescued from down here. Just two days ago, I managed to stop this pair of teenagers. Trying to keep their love eternal, they said. Bollocks to that, I said. No love is eternal. Just ask my friend Janet, I said; she was married twice. Love of her life, Jason was, until he fucked off to Malaga with bloody Helen, of all people. Pete wasn’t much better. Treated her like a princess, he did, until she lost her job at the insurance agency and - ”
“I think we’re here,” said Hades politely as the boat drew closer towards the shore of the opposite bank, and the woman stopped.
“You’re right,” she said. “We are. Time flies, doesn’t it?”
“In temporally disconnected otherworlds, generally,” Hades said, and stepped out of the boat and straight into Persephone.
“Hello dear,” she said, giving him a peck on the cheek, once she had disentangled her poncho from his kilt. “Did you have a nice time?”
“Your hair is green,” Hades replied, and Persephone grinned, making Hades’ heart flutter like he was an extra in Teen Wolf.
“Do you like it?” she asked.
“I am going to show you exactly how much I like it,” Hades replied, thinking of the tub of cream cheese hidden under his bed, “as soon as you tell me where the Hades Charon has got to.”
“Oh,” said Persephone, frowning. “I gave him the week off. He hasn’t had a day off in four hundred years, you see, so I said he could take that trip to Atlantis that he’s always wanted to take. I didn’t tell him that Google Maps seemed to suggest that he might have a hard time finding a Travel Lodge there, or at least one without an excessively large indoor swimming pool.”
“I love you immeasurably,” said Hades, “but who is this woman?”
“Sharon,” said the woman, doing a dainty little finger wave. “Hiya.”
“Oh,” said Hades. “That name can’t be a coincidence. Are you related to Charon, by any chance? Great niece? Great great great granddaughter? Aunt?”
“I just picked her because I thought it was funny, to be honest,” said Persephone.
“I worked really hard on my CV,” protested Sharon.
“She doesn’t even get lunch breaks,” said Hades.
“I haven’t had a day off in five and a half months,” said Persephone.
“I quit,” said Sharon. "I’m leaving this boat here and I’m going back to the salon. I got a coffee break there, at least. All this psychopomp stuff is doing my nut in.”
With that, she stormed off, leaving a trail of muddy heel prints behind her.
As the sound of her footsteps quietened down, Hades and Persephone looked at the empty boat, bobbing morosely on the velvet waters of the Styx. Devoid of the dead or the living, it really did just look like a normal boat; wooden slats for seats, a woodworm rotted prow, one oar missing. It hardly screamed ‘vessel of the dead’.
At least, not yet.
“We should get a card machine,” said Hades.
“Oh my god, I know, right?” said Persephone.
zenosanalytic reblogged
A recent cartoon for New Scientist.
zenosanalytic reblogged
nobody on this website knows what communism is
vorematty
its the service of christian worship at which bread and wine are shared
cause-why-thehell-not
No that’s communion communism was a show on nbc about a community college
johnkeynes
you’re thinking of community. communism is a form of birth control that goes over a penis
youre thinking of a condom. communism is the travel to a place on a daily basis to go to work
threedogs
youre thinking about commute. communism is when you share/exchange ideas,information, or news with someone.
vapemom
you’re thinking of communication. communism is an electronic device used from storing and processing data.
accomplishmenthunter
you’re thinking of a computer. communism is a form of symbiosis where one organism benefits and the other has no effect.
you’re thinking of commensalism. communism is a ceremony in which degrees or diplomas are conferred on graduating students.
youre thinking of commencement. communism is the state in which something has been finished.
keelahsomethigh
You’re thinking of completion, communism is an actively deforming region when two or more tectonic plates move toward each other and collide
mandal0rian
you’re thinking of a convergent boundary, communism is the process of burning
flannelperidot
you’re thinking of combustion. communism is sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others
ceramicsun
you’re thinking of compassion. communism is any of a variety of fermented sweetened black or green tea drinks
glampersand
you’re thinking of kombucha. communism is heterodoxy, a doctrine which aims to be all-encompassing rather than orthodox
you’re thinking of catholic. Communism is an item of food or the general quality of being edible.
zenosanalytic reblogged
murdercore-powerfuneral-deactiv
I know I have said this before but you could base all the bosses in a video game off of caricatures of Theodore Roosevelt.
Theodore of the Twisting Violence
Theodore the Elephant Warrior
Theodore the Train Grappler
The Theodores Three
Theodore of Barbar
Theodore the Centaur with guns.
And the Super Columbia Dreadnought Roosevelt
zenosanalytic reblogged
I have no idea who Scalia was. Isn’t that the thing that people call themselves when they are furries but with reptiles?
sysice
You’re thinking of scalies. Scalia is a quantity that has magnitude but not direction.
You’re thinking of scalars. Scalia is an opera house in Milan.
rosalindfranklins
You’re thinking of La Scala. Scalia is is a form of thermal burn resulted from heated fluids such as boiling water or steam.
You’re thinking of scalding. Scalia are subjective internal experiences.
You’re thinking of qualia. Scalia is the region of Northern Europe consisting mainly of Norway, Sweden, and Finland.
You’re thinking of Scandinavia. Scalia is a company that makes trucks.
smitethepatriarchy
You’re thinking of Scania. Scalia is a a wizard and a Snatcher in the gang led by Fenrir Greyback in the Harry Potter universe.
foxfireicecream
You’re thinking of Scabior. Scalia was the guise assumed by Peter Pettigrew in his capacity as an Animagus,also in the Harry Potter universe.
You’re thinking of Scabbers. Scalia is a type of triangle where no two sides have the same length.
You’re thinking of Scalene. A Scalia is a method of stealing people’s valuables or money through elaborate falsehoods, deception and acting.
you’re thinking of scams. scalia is the bone that connects the humerus to the clavicle.
trizzaster
You’re thinking of scapula. Scalia is the monster from the Odyssey that ate six of his men.
You’re thinking of the Cyclops. Scalia are tools used to compare the relative weights of two objects.
You’re thinking of scales. Scalia were ancient Scandinavian composers and reciters of poems honoring heroes and their deeds.
zenosanalytic reblogged
fuck-benedict
how do u fit an elephant into a safeway bag
i-learned-it-on-youtube
I don’t know
how do u fit an elephant into a safeway bag.
fuck-benedict
u take the s out of “safe” and the f out of “way”
supernatural-who-lock
But there’s no f in way??
fuck-benedict
supernatural-who-lock
Are you freaking kidding me
IM LAUGHINH SO HARD AT WORK IN THE BACK ROOM
zenosanalytic reblogged
sxeli-deactivated20171231
the phrase “dairymongering” just popped into my head and I don’t know what it means but I like it.
sadmews
A group of cows huddle around you, mooing softly.
imnotstandingstill
I read this and got it confused with dairymandering. The process by which cows divide up land into weirdly shaped pastures in order to manipulate mooing demographics
“Dairymongering” was the basis of Prehistoric Ireland’s aristocratic economy :|