Racing Turtles

the x files is funny because at the time it was “progressive” or whatever to have the ultra-rational, levelheaded character be a woman

but it’s also a show where all the fucked up alien shit actually is real, so she’s just constantly wrong about everything

What’s funny is how often they’re both wrong. Mulder will be like “the victims all had their livers scooped clean out this is obviously the aliens escalating from cattle mutilation” and Scully will be like “don’t be silly Mulder this is clearly just a serial killer who’s really good with surgical tools” and then it turns out the actual killer is an immortal sewer man who comes out ever quarterly century to feast on human liver.

I cannot stress enough that this is literally the plot of an actual episode

i'd never read or watched iwtv but today i finally picked up the book and despite having heard like thirty years of jokes about gay vampire ex drama i was somehow unprepared for how very much it was about gay vampire ex drama

for the record, if you have never watched Farscape: it is a show about an American astronaut who gets stranded in space with a bunch of aliens. this description is technically accurate but tells you nothing about the actual experience of watching the show.

if it helps any, please consider that the main characters are, in no particular order:

a jock who’s very good at math and surprisingly good at feelings

an ex-space cop who combines the fighting-for-her-life aptitude of Ellen Ripley with the understanding-her-own-emotions aptitude of Seven of Nine

Space Javert

a big weird puppet friend with like 12 arms. you will want to hug him.

Fun Worf

“wow i wonder how she got so calm and centered, she seems very wise” “oh yeah i used to be an EXTREMELY violent anarchist and I’m holding onto my chill by my fingernails at all times”

like, what if Yoda had 0 wisdom to impart and was just a horrible little bastard man who only wanted to do crimes

alien girl on Space Rumspringa except she’s never going back because on her home planet feelings are illegal

every episode the next generation ends with like Picard sitting in his la-z-boy lecturing the alien antagonists of the week like “now you understand, as we do in the Federation, that hands are NOT for hitting” while riker nods in the background like he’s been paying any attention. and then either the alien is like “you’re right wise picard, we will now live in peace and shake hands instead of hitting each other” and the last shot is picard smiling to himself or they’re like “fuck you picard, we will never stop hitting and slapping and punching each other for that is our way” and the last shot is Picard looking pensive and disappointed

it’s all very Steven universe only there’s also like 24/7 casual workplace fucking going on in the background

cant get over the fact that the mandalorian has very little plot and is literally just sexy space cowboy single dad pedro pascal flying around doing freelancing gigs for gas money to protect his 50 year old green son who is an infant. star wars has peaked