zenosanalytic reblogged
my friend had A Thought on facebook and I thought you all should see it
(snicker)
zenosanalytic reblogged
Anonymous asked:
Hi! I love your re-tellings so much! can you re-tell my favourite norse myth? it's the one about Sleipnir *grins*
I have a confession to make here. I was supposed to do this one back in May, but real life took over and it did not occur. However, it has totally occurred now. Look at it occurring right here.
If you don’t want to read a poorly retold tale about the perils of freelance masonry, press J on your keyboard to skip it now, as this is a long post. Facts and whatnot under the Read More, as usual!
Why I can’t watch War Horse
OK, so. This story is set right at the start, when all theworlds are new and the Æsir have just built Valhalla and Justin Bieber hasn’tcompleted his metamorphosis from tiny tween poptart to unthinkable eldritchmonstrosity. It’s a long time ago, that’s what I’m saying. Anyway, one day, theÆsir are just hanging around, doing stuff that Æsir like to do on their daysoff, like getting drunk and eating meat and braiding each other’s hair, whenthis huge dude just walks right up to them and clears his throat. The Æsir arelike “who even are you? This is our super special hall of alcohol and rawanimal flesh, you can’t just waltz in here like someone’s maiden auntie. IfThor were here, he’d totally go upside your head with his super special hammer, but luckily for you, he’s off fighting trolls, so we’ll just probably kill you with axes and shit.”
At that, the dude raises his hands in surrender and he’s like “yo guys, I’m not a frost giant. That isthe absolute last thing that I am. If you were to make a list of 10 things thatI am, ‘frost giant’ would not even be anywhere near that list. It wouldprobably be on a list called something like ’10 things I am definitely not,100%’. But hey, I’ll forgive the insult, because I’m selling and you’re buying,and what I am selling is a building opportunity, and that is also what you arebuying” and the Æsir are like “that was a very confusing sales pitch, couldyou maybe elaborate further and possibly include some salient details, likeyour rates and your certificate of incorporation and maybe what you’re actuallytalking about” and the builder guy is all “well, what I am talking about is agiant wall” and the Æsir are like “oh my us, we fucking love giant walls,please lubricate our godly ears with more of your sweet honey tales” and thebuilder puffs up his impressive chest and says “I will elaborate fully in justa few moments, but firstly can I just check something? Did you say that Thorwasn’t here?” and the Æsir do one big synchronised nod and they’re all “he’s off killing trolls, which is probably a euphemism for killing frost giants and also trolls” and the builder is like“sweet, in that case, let me make you an offer that you can’t refuse, or at thevery least an offer that you can absolutely refuse but that you would regret refusinguntil your dying day”.
So, the builder launches into this amazing sales pitch, witha flow chart and a graph and some stickers in the shape of smiley faces andstars, and at the end of it, he summarises his pitch by saying “so, inconclusion, I am offering to build you a very big wall in order to keep outtrolls and frost giants and double glazing salesman, and all I’m asking for inreturn is the sun and the moon and also Freyja” and the Æsir are like “this isa very reasonable offer, we’ll consider it” and Freyja is like “hang on, can wemaybe negotiate his rates, this seems a bit steep to me” and the Æsir are all “Freyja,with all due respect, you know absolutely nothing about the economy” and Freyjasays “no, but seriously, can we maybe just talk about this for a moment,because I don’t think we’re getting a very good deal here, there must be acompetitive market for wall building” and the Æsir are about to silence heragain when Loki stands up. He raises his hands benevolently and he’s all “guys,I’m the best at negotiation here – I think we can all appreciate the time Imanaged to negotiate Thor into wearing a dress” and the others are like “whendid that happen?” and he’s all “well, technically it hasn’t happened yet, butmythological canon means that the people hearing this story are probablyalready aware of it, so let’s gloss over that aspect and just assume that I’mgreat” and the Æsir just agree, because honestly it’s easier that way.
Loki walks up to the builder and folds his arms, doing hisbest impression of Lord Sugar before he got all weird and started ranting onTwitter about Piers Morgan and popular East London-based BBC soap operas, and says “we agree to your rates, but we’re goingto impose some conditions, and if you don’t meet both of them, you won’t get anypayment but we’ll still get to keep the wall. Firstly, you have to complete thework in a single winter, which might sound a bit like a fool’s errand, butremember that this is a Norse myth and it’s basically always winter, so if youthink about it, we’re being exceptionally generous. Secondly, you’re notallowed to have any man to help you. Not one single solitary man. Zero men.None at all. Is that clear?” and the builder bites his lip for a moment andasks “so, let me get this straight. I’m not allowed a man to help me?” and Lokinarrows his eyes and says “no, not even one” and the builder is like “no man atall? Absolutely 0% of a man? Man to the power of zero, minus one?” and Loki is like “yes,I thought I was very clear on that point if I’m honest” and the builder is like“so I can totally get my magic horse to help me?” and Loki says “ah. Well, youtotally diddled me on that one. Ha, I feel embarrassed now. I guess this momentwill come back to haunt me in horrendous fashion. Well, we’ve agreed, so it looks like you can have yourmagic horse, then. Wow, this is going in my diary” and the builder is like “ace,I’ll get to work right away, Freyja is going to look so good on my mantelpiece”and he goes off to begin his work.
A few months go past, and eventually the winter begins todraw to a close. The wall is nearly finished, because the builder’s horse,Svadilfari, turns out to be absolutely incredible. Like, the builder is quitegood – he’s particularly skilled at doing those little cornices that really addan air of sophistication to the even the most functional architecture – but Svadilfari is just somethingelse. He can lift the weight of ten normal horses, pull twenty carts at once,and his masonry is just a textbook example of the craft. By the last week ofwinter, the wall is hundreds of feet high and absolutely unassailable, andthere’s only a tiny gap left to be completed. Obviously, the Æsir are kind ofpissed off about this, having grown kind of attached to the sun and the moonand also Freyja, and so they decide to hold a meeting.
At the meeting, Freyja is all “so, are you guys regrettingnot driving a harder bargain yet?” and the Æsir are like “we are absolutelyblameless in this, it was Loki who said he could use the horse” and Loki says “infairness, it was all a matter of semantics. It could have happened to anydevious trickster god” and the Æsir are like “we could probably make a punhere about scapegoats and horses, but instead we’re just going to tell you thatit’s up to you to make sure that he doesn’t finish that damn wall” and Lokiasks “what exactly will happen if he finishes the wall?” and Freyja is like “Iwill personally strangle you myself with my bare hands after my unfortunatewedding, because a lifetime in jail is preferable to being married to that man”and Loki is all “fine, I’ll fix it, as per usual. Trickster god? More like fixter god, am I right?” and before thegods can deservedly beat him into a bloody pulp for that pun, he scampers off.
Back at the wall, the builder and the horse are working at aleisurely pace, just trading jokes about Game of Thrones and Stardust and otherwall-based pop culture texts, when suddenly Svadilfari catches the scent ofsome sweet lady horse pheromones. He turns around, dropping an entire load ofmasonry as he does so, only to see an absolutely goddamn beautiful lady horsestanding right behind him. Now, I feel kind of weird describing a horse asbeautiful, but you know those pictures of animals that are floating around theinternet with comments like ‘this horse is more beautiful than me’ and ‘thiscat has eyes like fucking limpid pools’ and ‘where did that chicken get itshighlighter from, because that glow is gorgeous’?Just apply those appreciative comments to your mental image of this horse.Being a horse, Svadilfari’s appreciation of this fine equine specimen is much less ‘ifI were a horse, I would want to be that one’ and more ‘I am a horse, and I wantto mount that one’, and so he chases right after her, leaving the builder alonewith a pile of cracked masonry, and he doesn’t come back.
A week passes, and the builder is still struggling to finishthe last section of the wall when winter finally ends. The Æsir rush over tohim just as he’s putting in one of the last stones, and they say “right, winteris over and there’s still a fucking huge gaping hole in our wall” and thebuilder blanches and he’s like “it’s not a hole, it’s a feature window” and theÆsir are like “but you promised it would be an impregnable wall, which seemsincompatible with feature windows” and the builder is like “well, I was goingto fill it with stone just now to make it a secure feature window” and theÆsir are all “so what you’re saying is that you were going to put a stone inthat hole” and the builder is like “yes” and the Æsir are like “so you were going to finish building the wall, essentially” and the builder slumps his shoulders and says “in a nutshell, yes”and the Æsir say triumphantly “just so that we’re on the same page here, are you saying that you haven’t finished putting stones into the holes needed to be filled in order to complete the impenetrable wall?” and this isapparently the catalyst for the builder to fly into an absolutely stupendousrage. He starts screaming and swearing like Freyja on a Friday night, andsuddenly Loki has a brainwave. He leans over to Freyja and says “did this manever show us his General Business License?” and Freyja shakes her head, andLoki is like “what about his certificate of VAT incorporation?” and Freyjashrugs, and Loki says “not even his IRS form W-9?” and Freyja whispers “literallynothing, now can you stop talking? I’m trying to get some tips on how to have aterrifying temper tantrum, you just can’t read about this shit” and Loki is like “listen, I have very good reason tobelieve that this man is not a builder at all, but is actually a frost giant.”
As soon as Loki has said those words, a huge roar begins torumble over the mountains, and like a distant cousin at the rattling of yourgrandmother’s purse, Thor suddenly appears. He glares the Æsir, eyes flashingand voice booming, and he’s all “did someone say ‘frost giant’?” and Lokipoints at the builder and says “I said it, but I was directing it at this fellowhere, so maybe you could stop looking at me like I’ve done something terrible,even if that is generally the case, and start knocking some sense into andalso maybe some organs out of him” and Thor picks up Mjolnir and does justthat.
As Thor is doing his job, the Æsir turn to Loki and they’reall “so, how did you get the builderto slow down?” and Loki shudders and he’s like “you don’t want to know” andFreyja says “I really want to know, because I owe you one and I want to knowwhat to write in your thank-you card”. Loki sighs and he’s like “let’s just saythat I horsed around” and the Æsir all blink in synchronicity, notunderstanding what the Hel Loki is talking about, and so he adds “I acted lessthan cheval-rously” and Freyja says “can you maybe explain without usinghorse-based puns” and Loki is like “look, I turned into a horse and I fuckedthe builder’s stallion, I’m not proud of it” and the Æsir are just silent fora few moments, and then Freyja is like “did you at any point consider juststealing the builder’s horse instead” and Loki is all “you don’t know me, you don’t know what I’m about” andFreyja is like “you could have just led it away with a sugar cube” and Lokisays “I am a Trickster god, just trust me on this one” and Freyja says “I amnot writing you a thank-you card any more, but I will absolutely write you a recommendation for some serious therapy” and they all leave Loki to ruminateabout his sins to the stirring ballad of Thor’s battle cries.
So, the Æsir have a brand spanking new wall which they gotfor free, and the whole thing is essentially a parable for the dangers ofconducting freelance business in an unstable economic environment. But that’snot the end of the story, because a few months later, Loki gives birth to the offspringof Svadilfari in the form of a splendid eight-legged horse named Sleipnir, whoOdin takes one look at and decides to use as his own noble steed, becausenothing gives you bragging rights at the stable quite like being able to say “thishorse is my own grandson in Marvel canon”.
