Racing Turtles

PeterMJ enemies to lovers OnlyFans au, is that anything. With secret identity shenanigans, of course. MJ is the #2 top seller on OnlyFans because of course she is, and she would be #1 if it weren’t for that sonofabitch Spiderman (freelance photography doesn’t make a lot of money, okay, and rent in NYC only ever gets worse). His work isn’t even compellingly sexy, it’s swinging-through-the-air butt shots that ride the infinite popularity wave of being a smart-mouthed twink in spandex! MJ is going to destroy him, and, incidentally, she thinks her boyfriend/sometimes photographer Peter could be more supportive of her in this.

The Amazing Spider-Man #122 (1973) by Gerry Conway, Gil Kane, John Romita, T. Mortellaro, Art Simek, and Andy Yanchus

The Spectacular Spider-Man #200 (1993) by J.M. DeMatteis, Sal Buscema, Joe Rosen, and Bob Sharen

I understand the appeal of wanting every adult hero to instinctively adopt teenage Peter Parker, but can it really beat the hilarity of acknowledging that at 15 Peter was 5'10", unusually buff, went by a moniker with Man in it, wore a creepy full face mask, and had a tightly guarded secret identity and probably a Queens accent thick enough to have come out of a jello mold, and adult heroes reasonably responded to him by going, “Wow, this grown man is an immature asshole for no reason.”

Way funnier to me than adult heroes finding out Peter is a teenager and becoming Concerned is the idea of adult heroes Retroactively finding out Peter Was a teenager because he admits to being like. 22 and they’re like “Hang on you’ve been doing this for like. Seven years.” and he’s like “Haha crazy right? Anyway it’s too late for you to yell at me about that because the statue of limitations on that lecture ran out when I turned 18”

YEAH this trope is instantly more tolerable if it’s fully adult Peter being like, *listen up whippersnappers because I’ve been around the block voice* “I’m thirty, and—” and Tony Stark, who vaguely assumed Spider-Man is maybe two years older than him because he just has that energy and hasn’t reassessed this for four presidential terms, is like, *drunkenly doing math* “You’re how many”

Okay but…them trying to talk about Old People Stuff with him, not realizing that he wasn’t alive to remember xyz thing happening, never used xyz technology bc he didn’t exist yet, not expecting him to agree with the fact that some ppl were saying songs they grew up to were oldies, etc

The thing about Peter Parker is that he was raised by senior citizens the way other heroes are raised by wolves. He has the body of an Olympic gymnast and the soul of a malcontented geriatric. This likely contributed to the perpetuation of the accidental ruse.

It’s when he channels Aunt May so hard he makes it sound like he was personally and immediately affected by McCarthyism that the time traveler fringe theory starts really picking up bets.

@blackkatmagic @north-peach

I agree here, but Parker is ALSO canonically a science and technology nerd. Peter ALSO likes to talk, because he’s nervous, and snarky banter is how he copes, but he tries to avoid any sort of identifying information, creating a situation where he just kind of mirrors whoever he’s talking to, and nobody can agree what age he is. (Marvel characters barely have canonical ages, so I’m making this up) Tony Stark (Late 30/ Early 40s), Comic book ages are fake) has had heated arguments with spider-man about the Starkphone’s latest specs, while also complained loudly about Oscorp, is convinced that Spider-Man is a 30 something engineer, is similarly convinced that Spider-Man probably works for him, and keeps trying to drop hints that like “You know, I respect you, you don’t have to hide from me because I’m your bosses’ bosses’ boss”. Hawkeye (Early 30s) Human Disaster/Secret Agent has reminisced with Spider-Man about being a human disaster, is convinced that Peter Parker is, like, 28 at the youngest. He knows Spider-Man doesn’t collect a SHIELD paycheck or anything, so his mental image is a pretty accurate take on most Adult Spider-Man versions. Brilliant kid struggling to make rent on a studio apartment in Manhattan.  Black Widow (Age ???), Professional Spy actually clocks Spider-Man as a Teenager pretty reliably, but doesn’t believe her own assessment, because this is America. American kids play basketball and worry about Prom, they don’t do this stuff. I mean, yeah, it’s possible, since he has powers and such, but no, he CAN’T Be as young. She refuses to believe it.  Captain America (Mentally late 20s, chronologically almost 100 years old) has no idea what kids are like these days. But he’s been studying 20th century history, and Spider-Man has mentioned an Aunt he’s close with who lived through some specific events. Assuming that this “Aunt” is, like, 20-30 years older than her nephew, instead of 40+ years, he believes that Spider-Man is solidly in his 30s.  Bruce Banner (40s): Is convinced Spider-Man is also an Adult, but for opposite reasons. In Bruce Banners mind, Kids are rude, and Spider-Man has always been very polite to him, therefore, an Adult, although perhaps a youngish one. With his knowledge of Science, Banner imagines Spider-Man as a PHD student.  Thor (Age ???? But quite old) Knows that Spider-Man is an adolescent. How old are adolescent humans? 42? That sounds about right. Spider-Man is a 42 year old adolescent who lives with his Aunt. That aunt, who Thor has picked up is quite wise and venerable, is probably somewhere around 500 years old? 

It’s bizarre, isn’t it?

When I was writing him, he was always sort of twenty-three, maybe twenty-four in my head. Yet… not. And also: married. (shrug)

Oh well.

Texts From Superheroes

(whispers) stupid sexy parker

misc marvel from the patreon

I think you’re gonna be a bad teacher.

he could remember that long password but not what any given electronic is called

Remembering the password is *useful*, rememebring the name of Goobers isn’t inherently so.

fair

the bit of animation where peter throws the monitor behind them as they run is basically my favorite thing

he got that password by watching a mirrored reflection of her hands, through a grate in the ceiling.

but still has to peck at the letters with single fingers

#listen the inherent core of any Spider-Man is a blend of hyper-competence and absolute chaotic disaster energy #this is just the middle-aged disaster version instead of the teenager disaster version (via @galwednesday)

scott lang, completely misunderstanding peter parker’s power: hey if u want man we could get tiny and just like hang out, i don’t know if you’ve ever been in a lego castle but it’s pretty sweet

peter parker: u have no idea how much physical pain having to turn this offer down is causing me but,

Scott Lang, upon realizing Peter Parker can’t shrink: oh okay no biggee, we’ll just make the LEGO castle big

Peter, ready to cry from joy: do you like Star Wars? Because I have a replica… and my friend Ned and I got it to fly…

Scott Lang, a mechanical engineer and nerd: kid you are my people

Tony, calling peter: …and may I know WHY THE HELL IS SHIELD CALLING ME ABOUT A LIFE-SIZED DEATH STAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT?!

Peter: we didn’t want it to crush any buildings so we brought it out here!

Tony: THATS N O T MY POINT!!!

#and then Tony wonders when the hell HE became the responsible one#and promptly abandons his responsibilities#and jumps in his armor#to go zoom around the life size death star#pretending he’s Luke doing the trench run (via)

It got better!

I was gonna SAY, Tony would fly out there, look at the thing, and go…. No, this isn’t life size. Impressive though. Okay, bugs, put on these helmets, we’re taking this into orbit and doing this at 1:1 scale.

Sam: Barnes is gonna make an awesome Chewbacca.

Bucky: -.-

Guardians arriving back in Earth orbit for a visit: Rocket : When the **** did Earth get another moon? Peter Qull (with an indescribable look on his face, but knowing his entire life has built to this moment): That’s no moon!

what if the teenage mutant ninja turtles exist in the mcu but they’re just really good at staying under the radar and criminals are too embarrassed to admit they got beat up by some guys in “turtle costumes” so they blame daredevil. peter parker worked as a pizza delivery boy for a while and brought like eight pizzas to a man hole cover but thought nothing of it bc nyc

peter parker: i once was one minute late delivering pizza and the dude was like “forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza” 

clint barton: oh cool u met one of the tmnt 

literally everyone: who 

clint: am i the only one in this goddamn city who knows about the crimefighting turtles that live in the sewers 

(they all think clint is playing an elaborate prank on them, especially when he shows them a photo of four guys wearing what are ‘very obviously halloween costumes’)

This would be so easy to tie into the X Men through the Morlocks, too ovo ovo ovo

It frustrates me that critics/reviews have framed Peter B Parker’s unwillingness to have kids as being due to his arrested development psychologically. I keep seeing people say that he’s stuck in the glory days of his early superhero career and isn’t mentally capable of moving forward into the next chapter of his life, thus costing him his marriage with MJ.  But like? The guy’s an orphan who knew what it was like to grow up without parents. He also knew what it felt like to lose a parent figure as an adolescent. And now he has a side gig that has him basically putting his life on the line every night and putting the people he loves straight into harm’s way. Mary Jane is an adult who can choose whether or not she wants to be a part of that life, but their hypothetical child would have absolutely no choice whatsoever. 

So while he clearly didn’t handle it well with MJ and should have been more emotionally available and honest, I don’t blame the guy for being hesitant to bring a defenseless child into the path of people like Kingpin/Dock Ock/etc. And because I feel very protective of my “janky old broke hobo Spider-Man”, I don’t like that this part of his character is blamed on immaturity, rather than a reasonable fear. In this essay I will- 

in this essay you already did

Also Peter B Parker’s just generally a less successful(not necessarily less put-together) dude, with a more tenuous support network. His aunt May died early in his career as a hero, his attempts to make a living off being Spider-Man failed leaving him deep in debt, which in turn forced him to abandon his academic career, and his heroing(from what I dimly remember of the flashback sequence, so I could be wrong) seemed a tad more skin-of-the-teeth than Peter Parker’s was. MJ was basically his only connection to a non-hero life, he’d had a far rougher go of everything that Peter Parker did, and so it’d be totally natural for B Parker to be more anxious about things than his alternate, feel more overwhelmed and out-of-his-depth with life(particularly the non-hero side of it), and thus more hesitant to take a big step like starting a family, even without the added danger his being Spider-Man introduced to the people he loved. And, having lost May, too, the fear of losing MJ would be both more real and more powerful than what Peter Parker experienced making the same decision.

So yeah; definitely not a question of “immaturity” at all.

So everyone’s always talking about how crazy it was that Peter could stop Bucky’s arm. Okay, we know Peter’s ridiculously strong after the spiderbite, but I think that he may be even stronger than Steve?

Steve could not stop Bucky’s arm. Maybe it was because Bucky was in the Winter Soldier mode at the time and that increased his strength? But still, Steve is using all his strength , both hands, to push Bucky away and fails and Peter?

Peter stops Bucky seemingly effortlessly, with one hand, and it doesn’t sound like he strained to do it at all.

Furthermore, look at this scene:

Peter’s holding Steve back. Sure, they’re both straining, but Peter is still capable of holding Cap back. Yeah, Steve does break free eventually, but not because he overpowered Peter in brute strength. Steve knew in this moment, when he tried hard to break free and couldn’t, that he wouldn’t be able to win against this kid on sheer muscle power because Peter was on par or even stronger than him.

So when he dropped that container on him, Steve knew that Peter would be able to catch it and not get crushed. That kid was able to hold him back and Steve probably knew that since he himself would have been able to hold up the container ergo Peter would be, too. (still, Steve, you don’t go around dropping containers on kids, your mama raised you better than this)

TL;DR: Peter’s probably stronger than Captain America, the dude who pulled a literal helicopter out of the sky.

(and Peter lifted a collapsed house off of himself. Boy is crazy strong.)

iron man: Well kid for starters if you want to be an Avenger you’re going to need to have an actual, professional e-mail address 

peter “[email protected]” parker: but i do, mr stark

peter, standing on the ceiling at 3am t posing: vriskakin

tony, sobbing: i dont know what that fucking means

peter: well i guess this means we’re all in cahoots now, huh. cahoooooooots

dr strange: dunno why you said that word twice like that. but technically yes 

@vriska

peter parker, expressing his affection as any teen would: thor i would die for you :)

thor, gripping his shoulders with the intensity of ten thousand burning suns: i would never let that happen

peter parker, later that week: i would die for you loki

loki, looking him dead in the eye: you will.

drax: [really bad joke]

peter parker: mr. drax? I would die for you

drax, with a pause spent determining that peter is probably joking and then a hearty guffaw: but my muscles and fighting power is several times your own! your death would be meaningless!

peter parker, in the middle of battle with no regard for his own safety: i would die for you

t'challa, who has lived with shuri long enough to know exactly what answer peter is looking for: then perish

instead of bugle mcu peter parker sells his pictures to/works for buzzfeed. all his articles about spiderman are titled like ‘Insanely Cool And Relevant Spider-Man Helps Out At Local Soup Kitchen’ and ‘Awesomely Powerful And Suave Vigilante Spider-Man Just Stopped A Crime Ring From Stealing All Of Tony Stark’s Shit’ and ‘Beloved Sweetheart And Icon Spider-Man Saved An Old Lady So She Bought Him A Churro (Pics Will Make Your Heart MELT!!) and ‘Photographic Proof That Spider-Man Is A Thousand Times Cooler Than The Queens Police Department’, stuff along those lines. He also makes Which Avenger Are You quizzes, and one time he was mad at Tony so he made a poll asking if Spider-Man or Iron Man were cooler, but he rigged it so no matter what the actual voting outcome it would always say 0% voted for Iron Man. 

‘Opinion: The Green Goblin Is A Loser And Spider-Man Could Easily End Him If He Wasn’t Such A Respectable And Peaceful Dude’

‘PROOF That Tony Stark Thinks Spider-Man Is The Greatest!!’ and it’s just a bunch of pictures that Peter completely staged and Tony clearly didn’t realize there was a camera on him. He’s smiling at the kid all proudly or whatever and Spider-Man is just fucking thumbs-uping into the camera lol

‘Devastatingly Smart And Funny Spider-Man Gets The Hulk To Calm Down With Only A Few Great Jokes!’  

‘Um, Spider-Man Just Totally Saved The Entire City From A Genetically Modified Super Villain, And We’re Living For It.’

‘Okay- We Really Need To Start Appreciating Doctor Strange’ the picture featured in the article is Spider-Man trying to get Strange to fist bump and Strange looking annoyed 

pictures of Spider-Man hanging around parades and protests and riots trying to make sure no one gets hurt

‘INCREDIBLE Spider-Man Webbed Up Falcon And The Winter Soldier Like It Was Nothing!’ 

‘Spider-Man Just Called Doc Ock A Little Bitch In The Middle Of A Fight, And It Was Iconic’ 

‘Friend To All! Spider-Man Saves An Adorable Cat From A Burning Building!’ 

‘Everyone’s Favorite Web-Slinger Just Gave A Lost Little Girl The COOLEST Ride Home!’

I can’t stop thinking about this lmao someone help me

The articles pick up some steam and start getting popular and he worries that people will suspect he’s Spider-Man because of how many pictures he gets and all the stuff he writes about himself

Instead, people start suspecting he’s got the worlds biggest crush on Spider-Man

Superhero Conspiracy Bloggers™ who also totally believe Peter has a crush on Spider-Man get wind that Peter is Tony’s intern. 

Tony thinks this is a hilarious turn of events, and as revenge for the ‘No One Likes Iron Man’ poll, he tweets out that he’s been trying to set up Peter and Spidey for months now, but “they’re both so shy!”

The internet goes wild. 

Michelle, completely aware of Peter’s identity, publishes her own article entitled: ’Spider-Man: PLEASE DATE MY BEST FRIEND’. It trends for three days and Ned has a copy of it printed out and framed.

Harry Osborn, completely unaware of the comedy in this situation, gets drunk and posts a whole angry rant on his snapchat about how Peter can do ‘SO much better’ than the vigilante wall crawler

Headcanon utterly and completely accepted!

LMAO

Also, Mantis was frickin adorable in this film. <3

Some Adorable Spoiler Free Infinity War goodness

Mantis and Drax don’t even know this meme they’re just caught up in the moment

also WHERE DID STRANGE GET THOSE SHADES

My little Spidey story :)

TOTALLY here for every single bit of this. 8)

LOOK AT ALL THE DISAPPROVING SPIDEY FACES THEY ARE GREAT.