Racing Turtles

Look, I know facile trope inversion is for weenies, but I still really want to see a JRPG-style game where the shouty teenage boy who gives long speeches about the power of friendship is the fragile healer and the girl with the gentle piano-and-strings theme song and self-sacrificing “must save everyone” attitude is the melee tank. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable here.

I’m not even being ironic – I honestly think it would work better that way. Like, let’s put power-of-friendship boy in a position where he actually needs to rely on his friends to get anything done, rather than just talking about how they’ve inspired him while he solos the final boss. And as for Little Miss Messiah Complex, well, tell me you can’t perfectly picture how the standard tank protagonist move where you intercept a blow meant for a critically wounded party member, facetank a fucktillion points of damage, then get back up again with one hit point and a voice quip about how the baddies will have to do better than that would play out under her idiom. You can see it, right?

People in the notes are looking at the second one saying “that’s just She-Ra, that’s just–” no, it isn’t. Gentle piano-and-strings theme song, remember? It’s essential that each archetype’s stock personality remain intact, and only the role changes.

She’s sweet. She’s humble. She wears homespun dresses and grows pretty flowers in her free time. She has that vibe that says “I’m going to die halfway through the game to make my boyfriend sad”, except that doesn’t happen, because the baddies don’t have a big enough gun.

I want to see the obligatory scene where the bad guy’s army is burning down her Beloved Peasant Village™, and she’s standing between the evil commander and a group of soulful orphans, begging with tears in her eyes for him to see that there’s already been enough death – except when he callously rejects her entreaties and moves to backhand her out of the way, she catches his armoured fist mid-swing, without even the faintest tremor of effort, and in a tone of infinite patience informs him: “You misunderstand, sir: it’s not our lives I’m pleading for.”

And then she punches people until all the soldiers run away and feels conflicted about it afterwards.

dude i swear based on the demands overwatch players keep making to blizzard

it’s like almost none of them have ever played an online shooter before and just suck at them

mercy, back when i played the damn game was a fragile healer class with a shitty little pistol as a last resort defense

and they made her even shittier with every single nerf they’ve done to her

“she heals too much!!!”

she’s a healer class

that’s her primary thing

her healing is supposed to be huge and overhwhelming cause she’s supposed to stick to her teammates like glue and keep alternating healing between them

how fucking bad are you at shooters if you can’t even shoot the medic that’s literally glowing almost all the time and has the lowest possible health value you can get in overwatch

Old but still pertinent:

“2007″

my fucking god

Her problem is her ressurection ability, which should not be a thing in a competitive fps game. It is anti-skill. Also, she isnt the lowest possible health target because Tracer is AND she also has health regen after 1 second of no damage. It’s really not that simple and I hate when people just boil it down to “just kill her” like this isn’t a game where supports are probably behind at least one shield and at least one tank and is highly mobile. Not even comparable to the medic from tf2.

just

kill her

she’s a giant fuckin glowing SHOOT ME sign

it’s really that easy

especially since the medic has an ability THAT MAKES HIM AND THE TARGET INVINCIBLE and mercy ain’t in the time i played it

(but yeah i was wrong about her being the lowest health because she’s merely 2nd lowest along with unsuited d.va and s76)

Being behind a shield and a tank was also what happened with TF2. “Pocket Medics” where the Medic constantly tagged along behind the hard-to-kill Heavy were incredibly common. You know how people dealt with that?

They stealthed around behind them, or sniped them from above, or just lobbed grenades over the meatshields to hit the medic. Things that you can do in Overwatch with Sombra, Widowmaker/Ana, and Junkrat respectively.

You have the tools, so stop whining and use them. She can’t resurrect people if you kill her first.

You can nade/rocket jump over the medic/heavy pair. Scout is all about maneuvering around and taking out high value targets. Spy can close in with stealth. Now Overwatch has similar heroes. Pharah/Junkrat can fly over and blow up the Mercy. “BUT MERCY CAN FLY.” Fucking learn how to shoot with projectile weapons then. A good soldier/demoman can launch an enemy into the air and hit them mid-air since they can’t dodge as well in the air. Heroes like Tracer and Genji were made for taking out Mercy. Even if Mercy flies away, both have movement abilities made for closing distances. Sombra can just hack her so that she can’t even fly away. Reaper can flank if the enemy doesn’t notice him. You have so many options.

And my god, this isn’t Tribes. Every map in Overwatch is just chokepoint, chokepoint, chokepoint. Fuck, Overwatch doesn’t even have movement that’s as fast or fluid as TF2. Shooting at some slowing flying glowing chick is nothing compared to trying to headshot some demoman flying at you 200mph because he has the sticky jumper that lets him nade jump without damage and omg he has a sword. Or you’re playing on a server where b-hopping is allowed and my god there’s a medic solo-ubering and he’s this fast hopping invincible freak just stabbing the entire team.

I’m glad you mentioned shooting flying/aerial targets because now it gives me an excuse to post this finely aged clip:

a necromancer is just a really late healer

“you’re too late, doc, he’s…he’s already dead…”

*cracks knuckles* i didnt get my medical license revoked for nothing

winter’s coming – stand in the fire to warm up!

As a healer myself, I can 100% confirm this.