he said the thing!

CAPTAIN MISURN — "This is the one." The captain lapses into customary silence. Interrogations are *your* job, lieutenant.

CHILCHUCK — "Make it quick, yeah?" The half-foot is several drinks deep, an adventurer's preferred state. "I don't make a habit of talking to Canaries."

ELECTROCHEMISTRY — I'll have what he's having.

CHILCHUCK — He waits like a pin for your first raking pass.

YOU — "What do you know about necromancy?"

CHILCHUCK — "Necromancy? You mean the forbidden arts? Dark magic? Officer, why in the hell would I know *anything* about that?"

DRAMA [Challenging: Success] — My liege. 'Tis not just spirits on his breath. Smell it: the savory scent of a *lie.*

EMPATHY [Legendary: Success] — There's a sorrow he's trying to hide.

YOU — "She's gone, isn't she?"

CHILCHUCK — "What are you…?" His eyes widen - it's just a flicker. He shakes it away. "What are you saying, officer?"

EMPATHY — It's there. Deep in there.

YOU — Wait, how do I know this?

INLAND EMPIRE — You ask from the bottom of a hole. You already know this.

EMPATHY — A pain you've borne for an age of men, alone. It's there, fresh, in the tiny mirrors of his eyes. He feels it, too.

YOU — "She's gone… and she took the kids."

CHILCHUCK — He scowls. "You know what? Officer, this interview is over. Any further questions will have to go through a guild representative."

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Medium: Success] — His hands shake around the stein. A liability for a locksmith.

AUTHORITY — Bingo.

New task: Call her.

CG: SOLLUX, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

TA: what are you talkiing about

CG: HERE, COME LOOK AT MY HUSKTOP.

GA: Oh You Are Playing The Ball That Bounces A Semi Random Number Of Times On Its Way To Inevitable Oblivion But Which May In Passing Strike A Red Pin And Score You A Point

GA: I Got Bored With That Game Pretty Quickly

GA: I Mean The Title Sort Of Undermines It

CG: YEAH I’M PLAYING IT, WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO IN THIS PLACE?

CG: BUT WHY IS SOLLUX IN IT?

TA: ii’m iin every game

TA: hackiing iin at the dii2triibutiion bulb every tiime new game grub2 were beiing bred wa2 the only way to pa22 the tiime waiitiing for the world to end

GA: Yes Hes Something Of A Gaming Personality On Alternia

GA: How Did You Not Know This

GA: I Know You Played Moon Of Warcraft

TA: yeah ii wa2 the fiinal bo22

TA: and ii wa2 the voiice of the collector2 iin grub effect 2

TA: waiit kk ii2 thii2 the furthe2t you’ve ever got iin a game

CG: NO

CG: YES

CG: SHUT UP.

CG: I DIDN’T HAVE THE PLENTIFUL FREE TIME YOU APPARENTLY HAD BACK ON OUR BELOVED HOME PLANET.

GA: I Know That To Be Untrue

GA: Once You Told Me You Were Tasting The Expired Food At The Back Of Your Thermal Hull In The Hope That You Might Have An Allergic Reaction And Pass Some Time Shaking And Vomiting

GA: Which Is Incidentally Why I Started Talking To You More On Trollian

GA: I Didnt Want You To Be Killed By Grub Jerky Before You Were Six Sweeps Old

Texts From Superheroes

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YOUNG WOMAN - Actually, detective, I'm a woman.

EMPATHY [Easy: Success] - She says it so insistently, as if arguing with you. You may have upset her.

COMPOSURE [Formidable: Failure] - You feel a pit in your stomach. You did something wrong, but you don't know what.

LOGIC [Trivial: Success] - Her way of dressing, the feminine name, yet deep voice - it should have been clear to you sooner. She's transgender.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Formidable: Success] - Almost imperceptible, the lieutenant anxiously twitches his eyebrow.

DAMAGED MORALE - 1

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Trivial: Success] - A transgender person is someone who does not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. Oftentimes they will dress conforming to their desired gender roles, change their names, and seek medical intervention to, "transition."

RHETORIC [Medium: Success] - Just as Mazov dared to challenge the established order of capitalism, so too do others challenge the order of things such as sex and gender.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Trivial: Success] - IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE WE'VE FELT THE TOUCH OF A WOMAN. WHO CARES IF SHE USED TO BE A MAN? HAVE SEX WITH HER NOW! ITS WHAT A REAL MAN WOULD DO!

EMPATHY - [Trivial: Success] - Don't do that. It's clear now, you upset her for accidentally calling her a man. Just apologize.

COMPOSURE [Medium: Failure] - Profusely.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Success] - It's important to be a good ally.

DRAMA [Medium: Success] - Make a real show of it, sire!

CHECK FAILURE

YOU - You try and come up with the words to convey your apology to the young woman, but you come up blank. It's hard to fit, "transgender" into iambic pentameter, as it turns out.

DRAMA - I'm sorry, sire. I have failed you.

KIM KITSURAGI - "Detective? You've been standing there for a whole minute. Are you okay?"

ESPIRIT DE CORPS - Shit, the lieutenant is onto us. We have to say something soon, or we could lose him.

COMPOSURE [Trivial: Success] - Don't worry, we can still salvage this. Anyone have any ideas?

VOLITION [Heroic: Failure] - Let me handle this.

You - "I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. I'm such a fucking failure. Do you want me to kill myself?"

tumblr rudely deleted the ask i made this in response to, so this one goes out to the anon who suggested a tweet about the original lyctors exploring each other's bodies. brilliant concept thank you 🫡

AITA for trying to eat my landlord's fancy takeout?

So my [523 F] sisters [498 F/492 F]and I are fully stay-at-home, and our landlord [530 M] brings us most of our groceries. Now things have been tight recently and so we only have grocery runs about once a month, and last night was one of these. Our house has a pretty clearly delineated men's half and women's half, so when we saw the food [21M] in our rooms we assumed it had been left there for us. But then our landlord burst in with our groceries and started screaming and shouting and getting really violent about the idea that we would touch his special treat after he'd forbidden it and just carrying on and told us to get out (this was our room, keep in mind). And I guess I had known that he had ordered fancy takeout, but it wasn't like it was labeled or anything, and it's not like there wasn't plenty to go around. His reaction just seemed really uncalled for. AITA?

You are the assholes and you know it.

Hi, Landlord here [590 M] who thinks the story could use a little extra context. Like the fact that all three of the abovementioned tenants were fully aware that the food was not just a special treat, but THE Special Treat.

Which they knew. Because I told them about it repeatedly. I told them explicitly not to even look at this Special Treat until I was done with him.

If that seems hyperbolic, understand that he was an imported good I’d been waiting on for just the right occasion. We’re talking Wagyu beef levels of quality. I am currently following a time-honored preparation method of seasoning his psyche with assorted traumas for maximum flavor at the time of consumption.

And, shocker for the audience, I was always planning to share the Special Treat with these three bottomless pits who, I’ll note, do get fresh groceries from me--I bring in goddamn veal every couple weeks!--including the inciting date above. How would you react if you came home from the market with an armful of dinner only to find the people you told. Explicitly. Not to Touch the Special Treat Yet (emphasis on YET). About to jump and drink him dry before you even got a taste after all your hard work of priming and preparation?

It should also be mentioned that I have been fasting for ages while making sure my tenants are fed. I have to make the grocery trips because, as you can probably guess, they have the self control of mosquitoes at a blood drive and would inhale the whole countryside if I didn’t play caterer. 

Needless to say, yes, I blew up at them. 

And also yes, they still got their goddamn groceries while I went hungry again, because I was/am not finished with menacing the Special Treat to peak flavorful misery. 

All I wanted was to enjoy the art of perfecting the Special Treat’s torment for the rest of the prep time, get first taste, and then share it with my tenants. Though part of me is feeling almost petty enough to just box the Special Treat up with me and head out on holiday out of spite at this point. 

"Wagyu Beef" ugh you're SO pretentious. "All my food has to come from England now, boo hoo it all has to be properly ~~seasoned~~" meanwhile just tossing us the barest scraps

Don't let this guy fool you playing "oh poor me" just because he's on another of his stupid fad diets. He is the biggest teaboo I swear. AND he tries to make us help him practice his sentences for his big vacation WHICH I may add we are NOT invited on!

Oh yeah, he told us not to look at the Special Treat. That part's true. It's so true that we haven't been allowed out of our part of the house for two weeks! Well guess what genius - we didn't know what the Special Treat looked like! Wow, another one of your brilliant plans perfectly effected.

"I was always going to share" oh really? Were you? Because it sounded to me like backtracking once we caught you. "Oh don't worry babe you can have my leftovers after I leave the country." HOW EXTREMELY GENEROUS OF YOU.

But you know what? You're right, you're right. ITA for assuming you would do something nice for us for a change.

ETA: you know he hasn't even changed the draperies in here, like, ever? Everything's moth eaten and we don't even have curtains. But when he's got visitors suddenly it's the best of everything. He's been feeding that guy every day and we don't even get a nibble? And it's like this for everything. I hope he gets hit by one of those fancy English trains he's obsessed with

First, excuse the hell out of me for hitting on a hobby other than ‘ooh hoo hoo, I do nothing but eat and complain through the centuries!’ 

Second, you’re not idiots. Do you really expect me to believe that you couldn’t connect the dots between ‘Hey, stay away from the Special Treat’ and ‘Oh hey, look at this Special Treat-looking morsel! That was very clearly not hand-delivered to us like all our other groceries! Guess it’s completely unrelated and we shouldn’t wait to find out more before pouncing on it!’?

Third, WE HAVE BEEN SHARING THIS BUILDING FOR HALF A MILLENNIUM. I HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF THE PARTS USED BY MYSELF AND/OR MY GUESTS/FUTURE MEALS THE ENTIRE TIME. ME. BY MYSELF. ONE GUY. Oh no, your rooms are looking dowdy and moth-eaten? Oh dear. Whyever could that be? It’s almost like the people who use them, exclusively, haven’t been doing shit to join in on the upkeep. You would think four (4) supernaturally endowed people un-living in the same castle could keep the whole thing looking nice through basic effort. You’d think! But no, apparently! It’s all down to one guy because the rest can’t be bothered!

Fourth, oh, I haven’t done anything nice for you for a change? Nothing?? Let me get out my little glass harmonica so I can play a sad song as grating as you sound. What part of You Get to Share the Special Treat (who could have been all just for me whether you saw him or not!) did you not hear? All I want--after starving myself, after preparing him to be something Special for Us--is the courtesy of getting the first draught from the finished product. That’s it. That is literally it. 

You three are the type of people who’d complain about a winemaker getting the first glass from his barrel. ffs

Fifth, and I can’t believe this needs repeating: You are complaining about ‘getting scraps’ (read: fresh local goods, like clockwork) when I have had. Literally. Nothing. For so long I can’t even say if it’s been months or years. Maybe act your age and grow some patience when it comes to appreciating (someone else’s) cuisine for once. 

But hey, it’ll all be moot in a month, won’t it? The whole greedy gaggle of you will get him once I’m done--IF I’m feeling forgiving, which is very much up in the air now--and I’ll be heading out to England, and then you’ll be free to let the rest of the castle fall to shambles and glut yourself on the neighbors to your hearts’ content. 

Try not to pick the Carpathians dry. 

...

Hi. Um. Special Treat [21 M] speaking. 

Can someone please send the authorities and a locksmith to Castle Dra

CONNECTION LOST

🐈 clan-confessions  Follow

i'll never say this publicly but honestly i think tigerstar had some valid ideas about having one big clan. obviously he was super wrong with all the violence and force, but one big clan could solve a lot of issues. No more border patrol fighting, more food for everyone during leaf-bare season, no drama involving cross-clan mates, etc etc. a lot of deaths could be avoided if we all took care of one another instead of fighting all the time

🌠 fishluvr76  Follow

ok are we all going to ignore that anon is siding with a literal DICTATOR??? :/

🌸 sweet-tooth  Follow

That's not what they meant and you KNOW it. They brought up some valid points about preserving lives, and denounced Tigerstar's actions as much too violent. Starclan above, no cat can have an opinion these days...

🌒 singlequeen7  Follow

Honestly I don't know how I feel about this... each Clan is beautifully unique and has their own traditions, which would fade away if Clans were desolved altogether. But OP makes a valid point about less violence and food scarcity. I hate the idea of sending my kits off to become Warriors, only for them to die during a stupid argument about Sunningrocks. A pile of rocks is NEVER worth a cat's life, whether they are in your Clan or not. And we have lost lives like that before.

🍄 medicinepawz  Follow

I agree! Traditions are important, but every medicine cat knows that working together saves lives. Sharing herbs can stop the spread of greencough, and sharing prey stops kits from crying from hunger. We really need a better system, because I can't cry myself to sleep another night, blaming myself for not having enough cobwebs to stop a kit from bleeding out in front of me.

🐅 lonelywarrior5346-deactivated

leave it to a woman and a medicine cat to emotionally manipulate proud warriors into giving up our PURECLAN bloodlines and Clan patriotism lolol

🍄 medicinepawz   Follow

HELLO?????

🐛 bug-enjoyer  Follow

> complains about "emotional manipulation" (it wasn't?)

> proceeds to be misogynystic AND racist in the same sentence???

> we get it babygirl, you want to fuck Tigerstar. weird ass mf.

🐈‍⬛ moondrops  Follow

"Lonelywarrior5346" is Flintstep from Riverclan btw

🌸 sweet-tooth  Follow

LMFAOOOOWAGWHQAKDHOA

🫐 berrycloud  Follow

GET HIS ASS

🌌 dorkstar  Follow

nah bc which one of you killed this dude yesterday lmfao 😭💀

🌸 sweet-tooth  follow

NO ARE YOU FR

🐛 bug-enjoyer  Follow

@ dorkstar say sike right now 😭😭

🌌 dorkstar  Follow

border patrol found him dead in a ravine 😭 yall play too much

🫐 berrycloud  Follow

when i said get his ass i did not mean like this

Welcome back to Tumblr's Poorest Wettest Saddest Littlest Meow Meow Competition! Before we announce the final verdict, let's see how our "lovely" contestants are doing backstage!

VRISKA SERKET, hailing from welcoming Homestuck, is in the blue corner! She's a TROLL, a TELEPATH, and a THIEF. She has also attained GODHOOD, and I'm informed she did nothing wrong! Just off the heels of a dramatic loss in the recent Tumblrwoman Election, she deeply resents being trapped in this narrative device!

Her attire today is plain by Earth standards, but well put-together by ALTERNIAN ones. Nevertheless, she has been known to dress up on occasion, particularly in the colors of her ANCESTOR, the Marquise Spinneret Mindfang!

She is extraordinarily determined, and extremely manipulative. She will do anything she can to make herself into the hero her story needs, consequences be damned. Her actions have made her the source of eternal, vitriolic discourse. Some believe her entirely justified, some believe her a heartless villain, and others believe everything in between; every one steadfast and passionate about their specific stance! Love her or hate her: VRISKA!!!!!!!!

HARRIER DU BOIS, also known as HARRY, sometimes referring to himself as RAPHAEL AMBROSIUS COSTEAU or THE REINCARNATION OF KRAS MAZOV, is here representing scenic Disco Elysium! He is a DETECTIVE, an ALCOHOLIC, a recent AMNESIAC, and a WASTE of ENERGY. Having just recently recovered from an attempt at drinking himself to death, we thought inviting him to compete might raise his spirits some! Unfortunately he does not seem to be totally aware of his surroundings, as he has already tried to touch himself twice on air!

His garish and mismatched clothes are STAINED with seemingly every substance a human body can produce. His face is locked in an EXPRESSION that can only induce disgust and discomfort in those who view it.

The few memories he can draw from his fractured mind paint him as violent, selfish, cruel, and pitiful. He has been trying to get over a breakup for six years, and has only partially succeeded through near-total retrograde amnesia. Worst of all, he's still somehow a decently successful cop. He has no friends and few allies on Revachol, with perhaps the sole exception of the impossibly patient and composed Lt. Kim Katsuragi. Even among his fans, you'd be hard pressed to find one who'd defend him, and ever harder pressed to find one willing to stand in the same room as him. Nevertheless, from the safe distance of fiction, let's hear it for HARRY!

In but a few moments, the doors in front of them will open, and they will be able to approach the trophy onto which we have engraved the name of the winner. 5… 4… 3… 2…

AND THE WINNER IS: VRISKAAAAAAAA SERKET!

—

Vriska: WH8T THE FUCK.

Vriska: WHAT THE F8CK!!!!!!!!

Vriska: I WON THIS????????

Vriska: You pieces of shit can't supp8rt me to win ag8inst some lanky rain8bow-drinking 8itch, 8ut 8eat one-in-fuck8ng 16777216 odds to win poorest, wettest, saddest, littlest g8ddamn meow8east?

Vriska: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

Harry: Is there something wrong with you?

Vriska: I'm not taking that from a walking dumpster, asshole!

Harry: I just mean, you seem upset. I thought you'd be celebrating your win. It’s a big accomplishment, right?

Vriska: Are you kidding?

Vriska: You thought I’d be cele8r8ing this? A vote for the most pitia8le, pathetic person in paradox space? I’m not so desper8 to fill my pity quadrant that I need to resort to CROWDFUNDING! That’s like the lowest form of 8egging!

Vriska: And I WON!!!!!!!! With this kind of competition, HOW did I get all the votes? All of them!

Harry: It was a tight race. You fought with honor.

Vriska: IT SH8ULDN’T HAVE FUCKIN8 8EEN!

Vriska: Look at you! What the fuck kind of su8juggl8or suit are you wearing? Did someone 8leed on it?

Vriska: …

Vriska: You can’t seriously think any of that is appealing.

Vriska: Your clothes look like they were dragged out of 8 different gar8age 8ins.

Vriska: You couldn’t 8e more greasy and stained if you drowned in a pail of 8rooding slurry. From the st8 of your body, you actually might have!

Vriska: Are you seriously crying right now? I might not be an expert on the human metamorphological process 8ut you definitely aren’t a pupa anymore. Shit, you look like you’re halfway dead already. Grow up, Pupa Pan!

Harry: Fuck off, fucking spidery bitch! Leave me alone!

Vriska: Wow. I don’t think I’ve seen a grown man act this pathetic 8efore. How the hell did you not win this!?!?!?!? Do you even have a single thing going for you?

Harry: I’m a pretty good fucking cop.

Vriska: There are no good cops you dum8 8itch!

Vriska: I’ve known you less than a minute and you already disgust me. I feel 8ad for the people that actually have to 8e near you.

Vriska: You deserved to win this. I don’t know how you can live like that. 8ack home you would have 8een culled sweeps ago.

Harry: Oh, God.

Vriska: OW!

Vriska: Oh no you fucking don’t!!!!!!!!

Harry: Wh-wh-what are you doing to me?

Vriska: Shut up I’m trying to f8cus!

—

Kim: Yes, Lieutenant. A fascinating dream. I’m sorry you did not win the competition.

Harry: What do you think it means, Kim? Do you think it could be some kind of message? Should I try to find that girl?

Kim: “That girl?”

Harry: Yeah! Vriska!

Kim: No, Lieutenant. I do not think you should go looking for Vriska Serket from Homestuck. Perhaps try looking for the killer in our murder case?

I’m having fun on the internet

Batman: Shazam, Status report.

Shazam: Overall, like a 7/10 day…..A nice lady gave me a hotdog and I was able to play with Tawny! The -3 points is because Green Lantern said he preferred Flash’s Lightning over mine. I don’t know why he even told me that, like it wasn’t helpful or nice? So just keep it to yourself? Anyways, it was a good day. Thanks for asking. :)

Batman: I- (sigh) I meant a physical status report.

Shazam: oh I got stabbed lol

Alfred finally returns home from the hospital and sees that there’s a new rug smack dab in the middle of the sitting room:

Alfred, heading down to the Batcave: Just a moment of peace. That’s all I ask.

—

Alfred: Bruce.

Bruce: Hn.

Alfred: Why is there a dinosaur rug on our beautiful wooden floor?

Bruce:

Alfred: Answer me. Why is there a dinosaur rug in the sitting room?

Bruce: I like dinosaurs

Alfred: Trust me, I’m fully aware of that. Can you move it to your bedroom? We have our business meetings in the sitting room. Our investors don’t want to look at space dinosaurs.

Bruce: No.

Alfred: Bruce. You’re going to move that rug.

Bruce:

Alfred, lightly tapping Bruce with his cane: Stop that. You aren’t scary. Go move that rug right now, Bruce Wayne.

Bruce, teary-eyed: okay don’t hit me Alfred

—

Bruce, pulling the rug aside:

Alfred:

Bruce:

Alfred: Is that spray paint.

Bruce: I can’t get it off.

Alfred, rubbing his forehead:…Just put the rug back.

People keep asking where the rug is from lol

It’s here on Ruggable.

TT: How are we out of bread again? How are we possibly out of bread again? TG: dave. TT: It’s Dave. TG: ive gotten really into toast lately TG: >not even using it for sandwiches TT: You’re not even using it for sandwiches?? TG: >lids r abt to be flipped TG: LOL TG: dont greentext me TT: You ate two loaves of hot bread on your own? TG: dont make it sound like im going in dry here jesus theres a culinary finesse to it TG: the toast is but a vessel for the honey butter TG: the jams TG: the jellys TG: which are the same thing as jams TT: Jelly is a preserve, while jam is not. TG: then wat is it TT: …Not a preserve. TT: Glad to know Mr. Moneybags has preserve money and non-preserve money. And yet we’re still splitting household groceries four ways. TT: Google says jam is a “spread.” Still unclear on what a preserve is. TG: jelly’s also a spread wtf! wtf do u do w jelly if not spread it TG: sorry real quick dont wanna gloss over this dude are you implying that jelly is expensive TT: It takes months to grow fruit and even longer(?) to ferment(?) the fruit into a congealed spread. Labor-intensive foods == luxury. TG: over the fucking moon to be the one to tell you jelly costs virtually nothing TG: youre basically paying like a buck fifty for the jar and they give you the jelly for free TG: bidens america ☭ TT: Well I’m sure I wouldn’t be interested in jelly and/or jam anyway. Surely they only make it out of uninteresting fruits, like strawberries and grapes. TG: oh ho ho motherfucker doesnt even know abt marmalade TT: Dirk, off topic, but I’ve been meaning to ask where you got that hat. TT: Which hat. TT: The red one you’re wearing now, just barely covering your delightful fuzzy brown ears. TT: I don’t understand this reference. TG: paddington fucking bear

Marco: Listen before you kill us, you want to be better than Visser One, right? You want to show off how great you are? Well listen, this numbering system you’ve got going on isn’t how we do things on Earth. Rachel: Yeah, certain numbers have… ritual significance. Like 13? Very unlucky. Marco: 69? Very powerful number. Tobias: <Or 420.> Jake: 34. Cassie: No not 34.

Visser: Ah, you are trying to keep the most powerful numbers from me. I, Visser 34. Marco: I can die satisfied now. Ax: <I don’t get it.>

that theory that the Arkenstone is a Silmaril…it’s doubly implausible, but imagine if nobody knew. If the dwarves were guarded enough of their greatest treasure that…you wouldn’t even need to hide it from that many people, honestly. Mostly a few elves, and all wizards.

and then Bilbo sidles up to Gandalf like, “Thorin and all are holed up in the Mountain, but I think they’re being nuts, so I…kind of stole the Arkenstone, I think.” And (it’s been thousands of years since the light of the trees was doused save for the precious brilliance locked away in Feanor’s gems, since oaths and blood and war that raged until the skies cracked and the earth shattered, and the little people of the Shire have no memory of it at all) he pulls out a fucking Silmaril.

Gandalf: *spittake*

Gandalf: *hurriedly glances at Thranduil. the king of Mirkwood’s eyes shine with curiosity and greed, but not recognition, nor the terrible lust that overtook Feanor and his sons. right, right, he was never in Thingol’s court while the jewel that Luthien and Beren took was there. we’re good. we’re good for now*

Gandalf: That’s, uh, nice, Bilbo. Put it away, would you?

Gandalf, telepathically(?): EMERGENCY RINGBEARERS ONLY CONFAB NOW

Gandalf: [mental image of a goddam Silmaril in hobbit hands, labelled “thisfuckingrockagain.jpg”]

Galadriel, who watched 95% of her family slaughter everyone within 100 miles for several thousand years over these things, including each other and themselves: no.

Elrond, who was very nearly one of those people slaughtered, and did watch most of his town be killed before he and his twin were kidnapped for a while: Absolutely Fucking Not.

Gandalf: Apparently fucking yes. The legendary Arkenstone-

Galadriel: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Elrond: Thorin Oakenshield has a Silmaril right now?

Gandalf: No, no.

Gandalf: Bilbo stole it.

Elrond: *wordless sputtering*

Gandalf: @Galadriel [information packet: BilboBagginsoftheShire.pdf]

Galadriel: Oh yes, Belladonna’s boy, you were telling me about him last winter. 

Galadriel: Btw, orc+warg army probably coming your way. Spotted it in the mirror last night. Thank goodness we dealt with Dol Goldur at least, huh?

Elrond: No fucking shit.

Gandalf @Gwaihir Windlord: hey, sorry to bother you again, I know it’s nearly mating season. but we have a situation again

Gandalf: [thisfuckingrockagain.jpg]

Gandalf: [oncomingorcwargarmy.jpg]

Gandalf: [flashbacktobadasseaglesinwarofwrathhinthint.mov]

I mean, given that Tolkien retconned “The Hobbit” so Bilbo’s little invisibility ring became an ancient piece of jewelry that controls minds and drives the mighty mad, one can at least understand why it seems plausible that the other shiny white gem that destroys empires and makes the mighty go mad with greed could be linked from his kid’s book to his gigantic early mythology in retrospect??

You know this actually explains a lot about why Gandalf didn’t immediately raise the alarm about Bilbo’s ring out of an abundance of caution. I mean, what are the odds, what are the fucking odds, that this one little hobbit stole both a Silmaril and the Ring of Power? Like, you are Gandalf the Grey and you have already dealt with the heart attack to end all heart attacks because this little innocent fool stole a world war inspiring artifact once. You still get flashbacks every time Bilbo offers to show you something and have to employ all of your angel’s serenity and thousands of years of learned composure not start giBbERinG “ pleaseletitnotbeanotherartifactpleaseletitnotbeanotherartifact”. And then. AND THEN! One day he’s like, “hey Gandalf let me show you this neat ring I found back on our journey”. And on the inside a tiny part of you is screaming “nottheoneringnottheoneringnottheonering” while a more rational part of your brain assures you it could not possibly be the one- “It’s this plain gold ring that’s very precious to me and turns me invisible!”

AND THEN YOU FUCK OFF AND SEARCH THROUGH EVERY POSSIBLE TOME YOU CAN TO PROVE IT CAN’T REALLY BE THE RING OF POWER, SAURON’S RING OF POWER, THAT RING, THE ONE RING, LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE TOME, BEFORE FINALLY FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGING THAT THIS SHIT IS REALLY HAPPENING AGAIN

Entrapta: Hello, former-king Micah.

Micah: Just my name is fine, Entrapta. Glimmer is queen now, and I’m enjoying retirement.

Entrapta: Oh, good. So, you’re an academic. Would you mind helping me with a...thought experiment?

Micah: ...yes?

Entrapta: Well. You were happily married to an ethereal, otherworldly being, correct? And Glimmer is the product of that union?

Micah: I—Well. Yes, but I don’t see what that has to do with—?

Entrapta, *taking notes*: How did you go about overcoming some of the cultural differences between the two of you? How did your relationship develop? How did the two of you broach the topic of furthering your union?

Micah: ....

Micah: Princess, with respect, I am not helping you date Lord Hordak.

Entrapta: ...is this because of the whole Beast Island thing? Wait, where are you going?