Racing Turtles

gun to my head if I had to write a story about Two-Face the premise would be that Harvey's totally reformed, 100% in the clear, genuinely 0 interest in crime or murder, so he goes back to practicing law. but Two-Face is still there and ALSO practicing law so Harvey is like this upstanding lawyer working pro bono for various charities and nonprofits and what have you and then Two-Face is like a sleezy ambulance chaser taking out HUGE obnoxious billboards all over Gotham and recording the worst local commercials you have EVER seen. they share an office and work on alternating days. the POV character of this miniseries is the shared secretary who has to keep both of their schedules straight and the climax involves Harvey and Two-Face somehow legally being allowed to represent two different people who are suing each other

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Dick Grayson:

Source

THIS. This IS Dick Grayson! And I can completely see him having a page and posting these videos and in the end is one with Bruce, who just looks so tired, the looking at the camera meme

“Dick, can you please just walk normally for once?”

Dick: “No.”

i looked this guy up and he is a circus acrobat and oldest of like 7 lol 

extremely Big Dick Grayson energy 

Dick grayson is the king of pointless acrobatics and you cannot convince me otherwise

I fully believe that sometimes dick is just walking and suddenly does a fucking flip outta nowhere cause “he felt like it” adhd be like that, this man can somehow always find the most complicated way of doing things just so he can somehow do acrobatics while doing it, the thing that dude in the video did where he took his sock off while doing a flip? That’s just how dick takes his socks off normally. There is a fucking puddle on the way? Welp better do a fucking flip over it, meanwhile jason is just at his side sidestepping the tiny miniscule puddle and going “why can’t this family be fucking normal for ONCE”

The best cover for Bruce Wayne would be dumb carefree playboy who is also Instagram Optimistic, everyday he’s posting a selfie of his smiling at his breakfast with a caption like “it’s a waffle day! #goodvibesingotham #grateful” or a picture of a sunrise with a caption that’s just “wow #blessed” 

Bruce Wayne ending up as Gotham’s favoured son because he may be an idiot, but he’s a cheerful idiot, and he donates tons to charity and genuinely loves Gotham and actually, truthfully does put a lot back into the city. And his instagram is a bright ray of sunshine, and honestly there are a lot of people in the city who get surprisingly defensive of their Dumb Carefree Playboy because, okay, sure, every month or so Bruce Wayne falls off a yacht or sleeps with a reporter or whatever. The man clearly never met a healthy coping skill even once in his life.

But as far as news regarding Gotham’s prominent citizens go, Bruce’s ‘scandals’ are so normal that it’s downright refreshing. When a headline has ‘Bruce Wayne’ in the title, you know you’re either going to read some Celebrity Gossip level non-drama, or else something to do with a charity. Maybe he’s been kidnapped again, but that’s only happened a few times. Bruce Wayne news is like the Gotham equivalent to special reports about dogs who rescue their owners from drowning, or raccoons who’ve figured out how to get past the new self-locking garbage can lids.

And there’s something weirdly reassuring about following his twitter. Like, if Bruce Wayne is tweeting about a really neat old tree he just saw, things must at least be sort of alright.

(Meanwhile, Bruce’s social media persona is 100% him flanderizing Clark.)

what if Happy Bruce is kind of a little bit real.

like, it started out as a distraction to keep the media away from batman. but being so dour all the time is exhausting, and he has serious Issues and isn’t really working on them. having this one little outlet where he can just step away from the weight of the world and be happy for a second is a kind of therapy. he needs it.

then there comes a time when he can’t access the internet for a while. he’s trapped in some other dimension or something. but he keeps queueing up these posts, even the ones he knows he’ll have to delete because they’d give something away, because he just. doesn’t feel right if he doesn’t do it.

“roasted iguana for supper again. i think i’m getting good at this! #cooking #barbecue #alfredwouldbeproud”

As with all Batman headcanon’s I’ve seen on this site. This is 100% accurate. Granted it was before the advent of Social media where it was in the comics, but there was a time where the general attitude towards Bruce Wayne was that while he was as irresponsible as any other person with more money then sense, he tended to throw his money at things like the GCPD Widows and Orphans fund, or that woman who ran a free clinic out of the old apartment complex at Crime Alley, or buying new state-of-the-art diagnostic machinery for Gotham General Hospital to add to the Doctor Thomas and Martha Wayne Memorial Clinic, in the Martha Wayne Wing of the Doctor Thomas Wayne Memorial building on the Martha and Doctor Thomas Wayne Memorial Plaza. Then when there was a scandal the headlines read things like “Bruce Wayne gets drunk at college frat party, accidentally pays off tuition for 36 students thinking it was bail money.” Or “Bruce Wayne spotted handing car keys and $100 bill to notorious crime boss Oswald ‘The Penguin’ Cobblepot. Claims he thought Penguin was Valet.”

Bruce Wayne as the Keanu Reeves of Gotham. I dig it.

confirmed

#IsBruceWayneBatman: a social media au | Part I

I mean yeah this is exactly what would happen.

Batman has gone to great lengths to create the persona of “Bruce Wayne, upper class twit who could never be Batman.”

If Batman walked into the middle of Gotham Square and pulled off his mask and yelled “I, Bruce Wayne, am Batman!” The Headline would be “Bruce Wayne gets drunk at costume party, driven home by Commissioner James Gordon.”

And on that ride home:

Gordon: You are such a piece of shit you know that right? One of these days that’s not gonna work.

Bruce: *With the biggest shit eating grin ever* I know Jim, but it never stops being funny.

Gordon: So…. out of curiosity, how much money did Ollie lose to you this time?

Bruce: A gentleman never tells Jim, besides, its not about the money, its about the satisfaction of being right….. and the look on his face.

Gordon: Nice.

and you just know Alfred has a veritable host of “embarrassing early morning bruce” pics and video raring to go, like after a “skiing accident” to cover up a particularly nasty bat-injury in the line of duty

“I’m fine Alfred.”

“If you are, then prove it by putting on your socksies by your self.”

(source is Harley Quinn season 2, episode 5, but I can see this as part of Dave Willis’ “Happy Bruce” headcanon

I think the villain reactions would be priceless as well.

Two Face: Look I was friends with Bruce for years. He’s a nice guy, but doesn’t have the brains God gave a fiddler crab. He’s not Batman.

Riddler: I can confirm this. I took him and his board of directors hostage once. He tried to write me a check and got the check wrong. Four. Times. He had to ask his guy Lucius Fox to do it. It was just plain awkward for everyone involved.

Poison Ivy: Bruce is what we in the business call a Himbo, great to look at, a real sweetheart, but not much going on upstairs. I guarantee he’s not Batman.

Penguin: I’ve had Bruce Wayne as a guest at the Iceberg lounge before. Nice guy, excellent tipper, complete and utter moron. If he’s Batman I’ll eat my umbrella.

Joker: What? Oh yea of course Bruce Wayne is Batman. I mean obviously right?

Rest of the villains:……

Joker: Wait, you mean you guys didn’t know? I figured it out like the first day.

Penguin: You…. you’re joking right.

Joker: Penguin you will KNOW when I am joking. Seriously. No one else figured it out. No one. Just me. You guys are dumbasses.

Riddler: *Pinches bridge of nose* Okay…. so if Bruce Wayne is Batman, and you KNEW this the whole time, why not just KILL BRUCE WAYNE?

Joker: *As serious as a heart attack* because I’m not fighting Bruce Wayne, I’m fighting Batman. Obviously.

Riddler: Goddammit I hate you so much Joker. So fucking much. I can literally taste how much I hate you.

Realistically, a household the size of Wayne Manor needs more than just a butler, and while Bruce might imagine he can keep his proclivities secret from his own domestic staff, Alfred certainly harbours no such illusions. I've gotta wonder what the orientation lecture he's worked out looks like. Like, of course they're going to be extensively vetted before they ever set foot on the premises, but at some point during the onboarding process the subject of the Batcave has gotta come up – I just wanna know how Alfred broaches that.

serious answer: it’s the sex dungeon, and everyone knows it’s the sex dungeon, and alfred is extremely good at getting across the point, in his Very Proper Butler Accent, that domestic staff don’t get to go anywhere near the sex dungeon EVEN WITH an airtight nda contract because someone at some point tried to leak pics to the gossip mags and alfred had to murder them and it was annoying. alfred takes care of the sex dungeon himself. if you find a secret passage on accident you stop and immediately go tell alfred, so he can close the security hole, because if you follow the secret passage yourself and end up in the sex dungeon, he murders you. also if you ever so much as say the words ‘sex dungeon’ he murders you.

funny answer: everyone knows the batcave is underneath the sex dungeon because everyone knows bruce wayne is batman’s sugar daddy.

Oh my god, though, because if 'it's a sex dungeon' is the implied cover story there is a 100 percent certainty that Bruce 'contingency-awareness' Wayne has built a sex dungeon down there

Like, the clock leads to a tunnel that leads to the sex dungeon and in the back of the sex dungeon behind the leather pommel horse and the rack of whips is a secret door leading to the batcave. Please take a moment to imagine with me the first time Bruce takes Clark down to the cave through the house.

"It's the sex dungeon."

THEN WHY DOES HE KEEP TAKING HIS KIDS DOWN THERE, ALFIE?

Why do they always come out covered in cuts and bruises and the occasional broken bone, Alfie?

he's not taking the teenage boys INTO the sex dungeon he's desperately trying to keep them OUT of the sex dungeon because they're TEENAGE BOYS and they keep treating the place like a jungle gym you can jerk off on which is, technically, what it is, but it's not for rowdy greasy disrespectful teenagers who keep sneaking their friends in to play with the swings and whatnot.

every now and then bruce is overheard complaining on the phone to selina or clark that dick tied EVERYTHING into a bow or jason thought it would be funny to mix up the lubes or that tim somehow managed to bolt the flogging bench to the ceiling, yeah, the twelve foot high ceiling, yeah, the 18th century walnut bench, the kid weighs as much as three apples and comes up to bruce's elbow, how did he do this.

and he's not even doing a bit. these things actually happened. alfred bakes you your favorite cookies if you can wreck the sex room without bruce catching you in the act. it gives him a mystery to solve indoors for a change.

Selina Kyle would dump his ass in minutes..

Despite what you may have heard Bruce Wayne is not, in fact, a furry.

He is, however, very opinionated.

i am unironically obsessed with adam west batman not only trying to be a good dad to robin, but actually succeeding. also love robin's insane energy levels and his ability to go from seething bloodlust to manic glee in record time. i think any superman worth his S would fit right into the family ^_^

10 year old Dick Grayson fresh off the circus and kidnapped by the joker 2 weeks into being Robin: can you juggle? can you do a backflip? can you do balloon animals? my favorites are the giraffes. can you make me a balloon giraffe? what about a flower? my friend Bobo the Clown used to make them for me. do you know Bobo? did you actually go to clown school? what company did you travel with? have you ever worked a rodeo? did you-

Joker calling Batman: come get him Immediately.

Oh he thinks he's so funny

Thanks for your participation! Results will be announced soon! And remember to check the expiration date on your Wayne Enterprises-Provided Scarecrow Anti-venom Inhaler.

gun to my head if I had to write a story about Two-Face the premise would be that Harvey's totally reformed, 100% in the clear, genuinely 0 interest in crime or murder, so he goes back to practicing law. but Two-Face is still there and ALSO practicing law so Harvey is like this upstanding lawyer working pro bono for various charities and nonprofits and what have you and then Two-Face is like a sleezy ambulance chaser taking out HUGE obnoxious billboards all over Gotham and recording the worst local commercials you have EVER seen. they share an office and work on alternating days. the POV character of this miniseries is the shared secretary who has to keep both of their schedules straight and the climax involves Harvey and Two-Face somehow legally being allowed to represent two different people who are suing each other

I know what you're thinking and yes of course they impersonate each other to fuck with each other's cases. it's a running gag that Harvey, somehow, can never do the Two-Face voice right.

Poison Ivy!! Like from Batman??

Discovered today that the Riddler is called the Sphinx in French???

I don’t know what to make of this, it makes sense though but???

I’m not going to put this on the post itself, but I stared at this for like ten minutes wondering why it made my brain fritz before realizing it’s because it seems appropriate on the surface, but it’s kind of…the other way around?

Which is freaking weird given the general impressions these characters leave. If you were asked to sort them as the Emotion Boy and the Manly Man, the instinctive choice seems obvious. But their respective responses to negative emotions are, uh.

Jason: *fires a semiautomatic into the air* NOW THAT YOU HAVE LISTENED TO MY TWELVE POINT ESSAY ABOUT WHY I HAVE A GRUDGE AGAINST YOU, Jason: I will assign you three very specific tasks to get back in my good graces. Jason: They’re impossible. I hope you like ‘Scarborough Fair’.

Dick: *stops acting fine exactly long enough to start a fight with a scapegoat over something more justifiable than why he’s really upset, punches them until the fight artfully destroys his shirt, then goes back to repressing and working out the rage shakes on bank robbers*

(Sometimes he can cajole himself into asking for advice from dubious sources ((Bruce when he’s being written as emotionally inept; Deathstroke???; civilians with no information about his situation)), which is at least adjacent to talking about your feelings.)

In conclusion: Alfred: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Master Dick? Dick: No. But how are you doing, Alfred? You’ve looked tired recently. Jason: I do. Alfred: We know, Master Jason. Jason: I’m mad. Alfred, looking very tired indeed: We know, Master Jason.

#you gotta corner dick to get him to talk about his shit and even then hes shifty about it #crouching on top of the fridge w his issues behind his back going IDK. HOW SHOULD I KNOW. ITS FINE #boxes his shit up and puts it on a shelf in a mental storage closet that is literally glowing its so radioactive #black sludge leaking out under the door and shit. the elephant foot is in there (deadchannelradio)

GLORIOUS tags.

idea: selina kyle as a reverse archeologist. she steals from museums and private collections and returns things to the shrines and graves where they belong. she brings a clay jaguar to monte alban and now she can talk to cats. the whip is because she’s indiana jones. batman makes half-assed attempts to stop her but it’s not like she’s wrong so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ he’s got violent crimes to deal with, what does he care if she’s stealing back smuggled relics from rich assholes. he met that guy at a party once and he was a huge asshole so fuck him. steal his toupee, too. it’s probably endangered. ‘oh no catwoman is escaping and there’s nothing we can do. robin sit back down. there’s nothing we can do. she’s taking that statue back to egypt and we have no possible recourse against this terrible nonviolent crime with a single dick victim. i am definitely really mad about this. i’ll fight her later, when you’re sleeping or at a friend’s house or something. you’ll understand when you’re older.’

i just want to state for the record that when i made this post three years ago i was unaware that catwoman’s first appearance literally ends with “oh no she’s escaping and there’s nothing we can do. robin sit back down.”

Realistically, a household the size of Wayne Manor needs more than just a butler, and while Bruce might imagine he can keep his proclivities secret from his own domestic staff, Alfred certainly harbours no such illusions. I've gotta wonder what the orientation lecture he's worked out looks like. Like, of course they're going to be extensively vetted before they ever set foot on the premises, but at some point during the onboarding process the subject of the Batcave has gotta come up – I just wanna know how Alfred broaches that.

serious answer: it’s the sex dungeon, and everyone knows it’s the sex dungeon, and alfred is extremely good at getting across the point, in his Very Proper Butler Accent, that domestic staff don’t get to go anywhere near the sex dungeon EVEN WITH an airtight nda contract because someone at some point tried to leak pics to the gossip mags and alfred had to murder them and it was annoying. alfred takes care of the sex dungeon himself. if you find a secret passage on accident you stop and immediately go tell alfred, so he can close the security hole, because if you follow the secret passage yourself and end up in the sex dungeon, he murders you. also if you ever so much as say the words ‘sex dungeon’ he murders you.

funny answer: everyone knows the batcave is underneath the sex dungeon because everyone knows bruce wayne is batman’s sugar daddy.