Racing Turtles

demisexuality can be so hard to explain because it’s misconstrued as you just wanting to trust the other person before you have sex with them. and I get why the misconception happens. But demisexuality differs in that there isn’t sexual attraction at all before that bond forms.

I think what people have difficulty with is the idea that there are people out there who aren’t experiencing sexual attraction at all until a certain point, if ever, because we’re taught that sex, libido, and sexual attraction are all the same, both in and out of queer spaces.

And when you’re learning about asexuality and demisexuality, you may learn that people have romantic and aesthetic attraction separately from sexual attraction, and that sexual and romantic attraction aren’t necessarily intertwined, and that may challenge your worldview on sex.

But “I trust you enough to have sex with you” isn’t the same as “I’m not sexually attracted to anyone but you, and the reason I’m sexually attracted to you now after we’ve established this close bond is literally because of the bond of trust we’ve been able to form”.

It’s easy to see how those can get conflated. On the surface, if you’re unfamiliar with asexuality, they may sound the same. But it’s important to acknowledge the difference between “no sex until I trust you” and “no sexual attraction unless I trust you and maybe not even then”.

Demisexuality is housed under the asexuality spectrum. It’s part of the gray area between being allosexual and asexual. It’s part of why the definition for asexuality includes “little to no sexual attraction”. It’s a mostly asexual experience with an asterisk.

While being demisexual may have impacts on a persons sexual activity, even demisexuals have a varied relationship to the act of participating in sex. Libido and sexual attraction are not always intertwined either, which can make telling the difference tricky.

I think of sexual attraction as libido that has a compass. Since I rarely ever experience sexual attraction, but do have libido, it’s noticeable for me when that libido actually has a direction to go, rather than being a floating, nebulous, independent thing.

Remember, not everyone is demisexual. There’s a difference between waiting to have sex and not having sexual attraction at all until a certain point. This also inherently ties demisexuality to romantic attraction and relationships, and not all demisexuals are alloromantic.

But if you read what demisexuality is and think “everyone is like that” or “that’s just being a woman”, you either 1) are demisexual 2) don’t understand what it is or 3) both. And it’s okay to not know. Just as long as you’re willing to try to learn.

closing statement from an article about being intersex & the possible connection of gender expression and sexuality in intersex individuals, published in The Gay Liberator,

what companies who sell you anti aging stuff don't want you to know is that if you're chill about aging, your perception of attractiveness changes as you get older. there is no "wall" where you suddenly become ugly and unfuckable because in my experience what actually happens is you get into your thirties and suddenly realize that people in their thirties are hot as fuck and the "flaws" that the beauty industry wants you to panic about are a feature not a bug, and based on the std statistics in nursing homes I don't really expect that trajectory to change.

How To Draw A Horse by Emma Hunsinger in this week’s New Yorker magazine.

Sometimes wild attraction shit happens when you learn to separate masc/fem from man/woman. I’ve known queer women find the femininity in a man attractive. I’ve known gay men get so hot and bothered by the masculinity of a woman.

There was once a guy who was not really my type but then he did drag and was suddenly wildly attractive to me. And since I’m bisexual it doesn’t give me a crisis when someone is suddenly hot to me in an unconventional way. I used to think this was particularly a bi experience.

Then I’ve met plenty of gay men and lesbians who are also chill about that sort of thing. Sometimes life is like that “oops made out with a twink in Brighton who turned out to be a lesbian who thought I was a lesbian” and sometimes it’s like “hey, I’m not normally into men but this guy has got something hot going on.”

it annoys me when sapphic women see an attractive woman and are like “i’m no better than a man 😳😔” like BABE you are allowed to see an attractive woman and want to fuck her!!! free yourself from the cottagecore PG13 narrative of sapphic attraction, look at her with lust in your heart!!!

#also men wanting to have sex with women is not disrespectful either! what’s disrespectful is crossing boundaries on purpose

I truly hate how the cinematic critique concept of the "male gaze" has been taken and fully bastardized into a progressive puritanical idea that privately feeling sexual attraction to someone is sinful

Wish y'all wouldn't only talk about fem bi men in jokes about getting pegged :/

If your first reaction to seeing a gnc man partnered with an equally gnc woman is to go "I just know the sexual roles are reversed 😏" I just think that's a weird jump to make and I don't know if regressive is the word but it's definitely uncreative.

I keep thinking about how I know a lot of masc bi guys. And I've known "bicurious" femme gay men who literally couldn't unpack their gendered attraction to women because they were so ingrained that being fem was uniquely gay trait. So then, yes, I do think it's weird to then see videos of fem bi men existing with their girlfriends and either hearing "is he hiding something 🤔" or "She MUST top" It's very very weird that that's the only interaction y'all have.

I talk about lgbt men every chance that I get to because you have got to understand the ways in which male identity is erased. If patriarchy can convince you all that being fem equals bottoming, being submissive and otherwise womanly, and/or that being butch means being dominant, topping, and otherwise taking on a defined patriarchal role, none of you are doing work in your downtime to unlearn gender roles and how femme and butch are terms that subvert them, not reinforce. 🤦🏾‍♀️

I'm embarrassed sometimes honestly.

Reblog this version!

I don’t know who needs to be told this but fantasizing about somebody doesn’t require their consent. Masturbating to the thought of somebody doesn’t require their consent. What requires their consent is to talk about or doing sexual acts with them. You are not “fetishizing real people”, you’re experiencing benign sexual attraction, something every non-ace person does. Looking at a stranger and wanting to fuck them is okay and normal. As long as you’re not externalizing those fantasies towards that person without their consent you’re not doing anything wrong, and don’t let any neo-puritan make you feel wrong or sinful about it

Seriously though: it is totally fine to look at someone and go “wow they are hot I would love to have sex with them”; this is completely harmless. 

Where things go wrong is thinking that this desire on your part means anything about them, about who they are, about what they are, about what they owe you, and about how you get to behave towards them. 

Thinking “holy fuck she’s hot” and even going home and getting off to it is harmless! 

Believing there is any connection between the fact that you think she’s hot and how she needs to behave? Not harmless. 

Your attraction creates no obligation on their part and no rights on yours. 

But the inside of your head is yours! And your THOUGHTS do not require anyone’s consent. 

Just don’t TELL them that you’ve fantasized about them because that’s creepy to say

Right: that’s part of what’s meant about “don’t externalize” and “how you get to behave.”