Suicide is the most selfish act anyone can commit. Ever.

"I was thinking about how love (not just lust or codependency that commonly flood the tunes on the airways) actually involves quite a bit of faith. There's a lot of letting go involved. Two souls in love is an intricate dance of give and take. I can be a fairly solitary person from time to time. Sure, I love being with people, but I also need time alone. I guess I thrive on the poles. So this song is about the dance involved in a relationship the coming together and letting go. The song equates love with breathing - pulling in and releasing. Or a seed, for the seed to grow it has to be dropped and buried.  In our barcode media, love is often portrayed as consumption. As consumers in a commercial driven culture, we can begin to view other souls as objects, or potential cures for our deepest fears and insecurities. "Perhaps if I found the right lover I would no longer feel this deep existential despair." But of course no human soul could be the Constant Other, the face that will never go away. Only the infinite can fill that role. But the silence can be deafening. It's a fearful thing to be alone. Do you love me enough to let me go? "I can't live without you"- "I would die if you ever left me" - these are not the songs of love, these are the songs of consumption."

Jon Foreman

I've been in a daze It seems like days that I've been waiting For this dream to pass It goes so fast It seems nothing lasts I think I've lost something Stuck here with these people Wide awake, the crush of bodies in one space I feel your heart breath on my tongue I wonder where you've gone And the ever turning spinning wheel of people, places Lies I feel The restless beat of the sleepless night to come I just want to be numb I just want to be numb Hopeless these three years like smoking years I go from place to place Just endlessly and half asleep Like I'm falling alone at some endless breach I don't know where I am I don't know what I've done I just go over it and over it again and again and again I can't sleep at night  I can't breathe But If I drink tonight I'll get you off my mind And the ever present pit I feel I'm turning on some spinning wheel Of faces and the scenes I see And none of it seems real to me Just the bleary haze of the morning still to come I just want to be numb

So I did something I usually don't do -- cry for all the pain and suffering in the world. Broken hearts, broken families, broken dreams, broken spirits. There's a lot stuff that's happened in the past week and through it all, the feeling I've come away with is 'I hate how broken this old world is.' My heart has really softened up for the first time in months, and when I finally took my eyes of myself, my heart began to ache. So many people are out there that live with tremendous hurt in their lives.

Between conversations I've had with friends, family, acquaintances, and complete strangers, volunteering at church, music I've heard, movies I've watched (e.g. Remember Me, Soul Surfer, and a few others), and literature I've read - all just this past couple weeks - it just makes me anxious for heaven. Even more important, however, it makes me want to go into ministry more than ever. I'm one in nearly 7,000,000,000 people and my life is trivial... what I do for personal gain is remembered in a fraction of an iota of eternity. It's humbling, really if you think about it. But. To impact someone's life for the better, to give them hope, and to give them Eternal Hope, that's something worth living for.

Not for a minute do I wish a moment of pain in anyone's life, but I have to admit, if it wasn't for the pain, the good times wouldn't feel as good as they do. We all just want acceptance... we all just want to be loved for the screwed up individuals we all are. That's the beauty of life.

I am the line, I hold you near, There is no burden left to bear, I can see clear, You're in suspension, you know no love, There is no story left to tell, You have no wisdom to pass on, I am the soul of absolution, no man can hurt his own illusion, My hands are crippled from the pain, you are the splinter in my vein, You put your head between your hands, and understand, nothing it is, I feel the answers keep you scared, I've put the harm inside myself. I am the line, I hold you near, There is no burden left to bear, I can see clear, I am perfected, I know no void, I have no conscience to keep clear, I understand there's nothing more, You try to kid yourself with questions, pleading in time for some correction, I found you tied onto the cross, with judgement on your every thought, You know my words all mean the same, you've buried here to isolate, And in this prison in your mind, well you were born without a spine. When did you stop caring? When did you stop caring? Where did you stop caring? Where did you stop caring? All along, I've been waiting on the open invitation, Your silence shown me no relation, In the rising calm, Don't you feel alone, I'll be standing with your sorrow, Oh he's left me's gone away tomorow, And we maynever be here again, We may never be here again. Pull me up on either side, Don't leave me standing alone in the light, Pull me up on either side, Don't leave me standing alone in the light. All along, I've been waiting on the open invitation, Your silence shown me no relation, In the rising calm, Don't you feel alone, I'll be standing with your sorrow, Oh he's left me's gone away tomorow, And we maynever be here again, We may never be here again. 

Unpleasant, Self-Realizations

It's hard for me to have any sort of emotional ties to new people in my life. I'm not as open-minded as I expect other people to be. I do not follow through with most projects I start. I like a lot of things but have passion almost nothing. I'm not really as intelligent as I once thought I was - that, or I am getting dumber with time. I'm way too picky and will likely result in me being alone. I believe in self-fulfilling prophecies (see previous statement). I enjoy not doing anything way too much; I look forward to shutting everything down and avoiding doing work when I get home. My short-term memory is frequently horrible. I'm good at a lot of things, but I'm not great at anything. I care too much about what others think. I fall for girls too quickly. My efficiency in life would increase ten-fold if I were more organized. I am emotionally numb and bled dry from past friendships, relationships. I am unintentionally manipulative. I used to care about people. I base my self-worth on other's opinions of me. I am appalled by overweight people. I can be cold. Self-pity is ridiculously unattractive.