Sometimes I feel so guilty when I feel depressed because there are people out there who have terminal illnesses and are still happy and just wish to be healthy . But honestly? I could give my health to someone I would because I'm miserable and wasting my pathetic existence

Life sucks and then you die

Fuck sometimes I wish I had anorexia sorry I said it there

Aptoaching my 1 year plateau anniversary makes me want to start fasting for long periods of time again . I am a fat piece of garbage

Any time I eat anything I'm not supposed to , if I have fun and go out or whatever, I am punished with weight gain.

Fuck its never worth it id rather been thin and never go out to eat again but unfortunately its one of the only things left to do, hooray for my obesity

Back here to yell into the void because I'm so fucking sad and frustrated. I just want to vent and shit without judgement. I feel judged because I am so focused on my weight loss. Like I should accept myself. No thanks i choose to change and i am sick of feeling ashamed about my goal being weight loss both for health and appearance. All I want to do is be thin for my wedding is that too much to ask ? No double chin, no stomach flab.

God i used to look like that but thought i was fat. I would fucking kill to look like that again . I've been putting in so much fucking effort with fasting/OMAD/HIIT Cardio/Weight training and im still cycling the same fucking weight since april been going back and forth between 144 to 148. I mean I'm not as fat as I used to be thank fuck. I have never told anyone my before numbers but fuck I am 5'3" and I weighed fucking 168. It was ugly and unhealthy for me. So since May 2019 I have lost 20 lbs. But that's fucking pathetic. Because im piece of shit or something no matter what o tried since APRIL 2020 I've been stuck in the cycle of back and forth . All I want to do is cry about this. And no please no one comment here with the pandemic excuse. I did overeat at the beginning and gained but then lost again and have just been stuck gaining and losing 4 lbs. Its my own personal hell. And I did gain some muscle but im still gaining and losing fat and I still visibly have a double chin and the flab on my stomach. Fuck it I am just so sick of looking like a blob. And this is what will be captured on my wedding photos. Can't fucking wait to cry about those.

If anyone actually reads this which i doubt im barely here anymore just please don't try to "comfort" me. the only thing that will make this better is weight loss. Can you suck the fat out of my body ? No ? Then you can't make me feel better ✌

Blah I've been pretty good with my new diet plan and have been making progress. Unfortunately I ate like a fat pig this weekend so I ruined all the progress I made the previous week. Lessons learned don't behave like a fat pig and ill meet my weight loss goals 🤪

Idk who even follows me on here anymore because I'm never here . This feels a little like screaming into the void which is what I need.

This year has been full of nothing but misery for me. I am profoundly unhappy with my life. I would love nothing more but to spend new years alone but no can do since I've already made commitments. Im just so sick of faking happiness.

My mental health has been ruined by the quarantine and im not being dramatic. The lack of human connection has started me on my never ending cycle of depression. And no, virtual hang outs are not the same. But who the fuck cares about my mental health because #stayhomesavelives. My life doesn't matter I guess. I used to be a really social person but after months and months of isolation I dread leaving my home. Im not a person I recognize or like anymore. Hence me not even wanting to do stuff for NYE.

And of course the night before NYE I have fucking insomnia so this should be a fun time (not).

Fuck this year and fuck my life.

Tumblr has changed and I haven't been on in months maybe a year but I've been having a rough few months. If I believed in God really I would think God hates me. But I'm just an unlucky asshole. I'm getting married next year and I should be happy but its hard when this whole year has been a shit sandwich.

I don't know who is still around but I needed to write my feelings down because I'm sick of dumping my problems on my friends.

I've been reading a lot now and it reminds of a time way back in the day when I thought I was creative and wanted to be an author and that depresses the shit out of me.

I understand the purpose of white lies but I hate them. All my friends told me I lost weight and my face thinned out. I know people are trying to protect my feelings.And sure I might have lost weight but you can barely tell because my face is just as fat as it was 20 pounds ago. I wish they had told me the truth because then seeing pictures wouldn't be this much of a depressing let down.....

I just started a new job and its rough cause I always have this intense urge to constantly prove myself. But it's even more intense now because they are paying me more money here and I just constantly feel the need to prove my worth. I guess that's better than being a slacker ???

So I haven't been on here in a while but random post time.

So I went to the gym late tonight and when I get home Kyle is asleep. I'm working from home tomorrow so I figure I'll stay up late and fold laundry which Kyle washed (god bless). So I'm just washing my face and getting into pjs. I walk out of the bathroom and down the hall and there is a BIG ASS BUG just chilling on the wall which freaks me the fuck out. So I feel so bad but I'm a big baby and I gently wake Kyle up and I'm all apologetic and say I'm sorry I'm a wimp but please kill this bug for me. He's just dont sorry I got this, kills the bug, goes back to sleep and is telling me it's fine dont worry about it in a very genuine way. Like I know this probably sounds trivial but he's just so sweet wtf????

Lmao ok killing myself now cause you said I should!!!!