I love you samosas. I love you empanadas. I love you pasties. I love you dumplings. I love you pirozhkis. I love you savory food in a convenient little carb purse.

If you have some leftover Brie from your fancy cheese party or whatever you should put it on toast with some strawberry preserves.

You’ll feel bacchanalian levels of pleasure and indulgence if you do this, trust me. Even more so if it’s on fresh bread.

Also if you eat those little babybell cheese things, put some honey or fruit preserves on it to microdose on this same feeling.

do this with white stilton and blueberries to unlock secret flavours and feelings

I’ll keep that in mind the next time I’m in the cheese section

If you have soft goat cheese or just cream cheese, try a creole influenced thing where you mix marmalade and horseradish in equal portions and put that over your block of cheese, serve with hot bread or toast or crackers and if ya nasty get a little wine

You’re all falling for my trap and giving me even more wonderful new cheese ideas please never stop

None of you like my spaghetti sauce but my hash browns are amazing

elaborate on how you make hash browns pretty please

#i mean this in the nicest way possible. what the fuck.

NO THIS ONE IS NORMAL. YOU CANNOT TELL ME THIS RECIPE ISN'T NORMAL.

it's normal until the peas derin what the FUCK--

Why does this website hate peas so much

autism website. peas are The Worst texture-wise

They're my favourite taste and texture, sometimes I'll eat just a bowl of them with butter and salt

BUTTER AND SALT

I can't tell if you approve or disapprove

#now I like peas but#peas shouldnt be in hash browns#it should just be#smooth in the centre and crunchy outside

No se that's the brilliance of this recipe, because they are fried it makes them crunchy on the outside, at least the parts at the edges.

This reads more like a vegan hamburger than anything else

Excuse me I was VERY clear about the 1 or 2 egg.

Clearly it's a vegetarian hamburger recipe :P

Y'all are gonna love this then. I eat Frozen peas. Straight out the freezer. My favourite meal as a kid is vinegared steak, chips and a side bowl of frozen peas.

That's the ideal flavour profile right there. Perfection. Assuming there is also salt.

[image description: a printed out flyer with the picture of a sleeping grey tabby cat on it. It has text on it that reads:

Muffin disclaimer

So you’ve ordered a muffin! We hope you’re up for a challenge.

Our wobbly tabby cat Bea REALLY likes muffins so there are a few things to be aware of if you have a muffin in the cat area.

- She WILL climb you to try and get your muffin - She is not very good at climbing so she will claw her way up your body - It WILL hurt - She WILL NOT give up - She may try to eat the muffin right out of your mouth - She is not allowed to eat muffins

You may pick her up / move her away if needed and if you’re really struggling, come and talk to us and we will help. No matter how much she wants to, it is still very important that you don’t let her eat any muffin as it will make her sick.

Good luck and we hope you enjoy your muffin experience!

She may look sweet and innocent but we promise you she’s not

/end image description]

Bea the muffin thief has come upon my timeline again and I am obliged to reblog.

Happy anniversary to the time I ordered a burrito from taco bell and instead they gave me like 100$ worth of THC vape cartridges.

THE YEAR IS 2021 and I am on my way home from a VERY long day at my new job as a school photographer. Its 5:30, I have driven an hour and a half just to get home and all I want is a beefy five layer burrito and to go to bed early.

I go through the drive through at the taco bell. This is the same taco bell that, three years prior, asked us how many sauces we wanted. My roommate responded with "we'd like to get lost in the sauce."

To which he said "lost in the sauce. Ok boss!"

And gave us an entire brown bag full of sauce packets that we are still working through to this day.

So our conclusion is that this store is operated by stoners, which is on par for a taco bell.

But anyhow, 2021, all I want is a burrito.

Pull up in the drive thru, order burrito. Compliment the cashier's nails, take the bag without checking, drive off.

I get home. I carry the bag all the way to the kitchen and set it down. The sound it makes is not the sound of a beefy five layer burrito. It rattles.

I realize now that something is wrong.

I look inside.

I find this:

Which I realize now in 2022 after hanging out with potheads that this is considerably more than 100$ of THC products but that's unimportant. I sit there for a few moments and just kind of stare at them asking myself

WHY does this KEEP HAPPENING to me?

Girlfriend comes in and sees this.

"Did someone pay you in smokeables again?"

"No, this is the new beefy 5 layer burrito from taco bell. Obviously."

I could keep them, but what would I DO with them? I didnt know any smokers at the time that I could sell them to. You cant really... pawn THC products in my state because it's a consumable and uhhhh... possession of such products is probably illegal? Fucking I dont know, if there's a law about it everyone seems to be ignoring it.

And I cannot stress this enough: I dont smoke! And yet people keep handing me these things for some reason.

But more importantly: it is now 6:00, I am starving, and I did not get my burrito. So i make a decision and i grab the bag of vape carts and I go back to get the food I ordered.

I go inside and stand at the counter. I quietly tell the cashier that I ordered a beefy five layer burrito, and I got this instead. I lift the bag. I gently drop the bag. It makes the very non beefy burrito rattle sound.

The cashier knows by sound what is in the bag. Her eyes go wide.

"I'm not mad," I tell her. "I dont want anyone in trouble. I'm just very hungry and would like the food I ordered."

She very quietly takes the bag beneath the counter and produces six coupons for a free taco. "We'll get your order to you in a moment, thank you for your patience."

I am... containing my urge to burst out in laughter because this urban legend stuff. This is 'tumblr will call this fake' material. This is 'that happened to my friends cousin' kind of story material and I'm just... waiting for my burrito.

The manager on duty approaches me and says:

"I understand you received something uhh.. other than your order." She thinks I'm gonna tell corporate. This shit is too funny for corporate. I am not telling corporate.

"I dont want anyone in trouble," I repeated. "I'd just like to make sure it gets back to its owner and make sure I get the burrito I ordered."

"Right. Right. Right away."

She gives me six more free taco coupons.

It is deathly quiet back there and I am trying so hard not to laugh at the absurdity of all of this. Like... how did I get here? What happened back there to lead me to this awkward situation? What farcical theater piece am I now a minor character in? Will I exit left persued by a bear?

The cashier returns with a bag. "Once again, I'm REALLY sorry."

I take the bag. I check it this time.

This is indeed a burrito.

"No need, all is well."

I leave with my burrito, twelve free taco coupons, and the sense that I just created chaos for an hour.

Well, looks like this one is gonna escape containment.

all food is "guilt free" to me because i love foods and treats and snacks and drinks forever and ever amen

Cooking protip: there are a lot of vegetables that you can use to bulk out a meal by adding as much as you like! But chilli peppers are not one of them!

derin what happened

I think that question is adequately answered by my cooking protip

nope, not even close.

we're hellsitians, we need everything spelled out in excruciating, anatomically correct, unforgiving, mindnumbingly exact, hot, fancy-ass corn-speckled & pea-ridden detail.

spill all the deets coward please, derin.

ALL of them????

If it helps it was a small harvest, I am a terrible gardener

cc: @petermorwood (re: the situation in the kitchen's front window)

One time I was working as a waiter at a burger joint where the fries were tossed in salt and coriander and as I was bringing food over to the table for these two huge beefy guys one of them asks what the green stuff is so I go "it's coriander" and his friend goes very seriously "he can't have coriander" and I'm thinking shit ok maybe he's allergic and guy 1 starts pulling up his sleeve to show me something and I'm thinking shit shit shit he's probably breaking out in hives rn and it's my fault but he just shows me his arm and he has this huge cursive font tattoo that just says "I fucking hate coriander"

I definitely make spaghetti sauce extremely wrong but I'm not going to stop

Chop 1 onion and put it in a pot.

Add 1 or 2 cans of diced tomatoes. Whatever makes the ratio of onion look right.

Add a ridiculous amount of frozen peas. Peas should make up a notable portion of this sauce.

Add frozen corn also if you wanna be real fancy. If I have bacon, I'll add that too, but I very rarely have bacon.

Cook on HIGH.

While sauce is cooking, grab the nearest bottle of mixed spices that isn't obviously for desserts. Add some. How much? I dunno, enough that you feel like you've added seasoning so it's technically cooking. (For me this is most often a mix called Moroccan, but it could be anything. I've reorganised my kitchen recently so tonight it was something called Pizza Topping.)

If you happen to have green herbs lying around, add those too. Whatever you have on hand that's green.

Let the sauce boil on HIGH until all the water is gone. Stir occasionally so the saucepan will be easier to clean later. Serve on cooked spaghetti noodles with no cheese.

Today I added a new step called "while the sauce is cooking, duck out for 15 seconds to post about spaghetti sauce on Tumblr, then get distracted and forget you are cooking." This adds a novel Extremely Burnt edge to the flavour profile.

I am not Italian, or of Italian descent by *any* stretch of the imagination.

I am also not one of those "cooking purists", who believes that everything must be done in a specific/ traditional way (unless you are making a cooking video with the title "how to make x" in which case if you don't specify mid video that your way is not traditional god help you).

I am a firm believer in "If it tastes good, then it is correct for you".

Except in this case.

This hurts every cooking bone in my body. The latent ancestors in my soul. The judgmental elf in my brain just bit a cyanide capsule.

Why? The spices. Using a different spice mix every time, based on what is ready at hand just ... hurts.

Absolurl I deranged, Derin. Food crimes.

I don't know what sweating the onions means

It means. It means you cook em a little in a pan with a bit of oil first.

A pan? How many dishes do you want me to have to wash here?

I mean you can also do it in the same pot you're making the spaghetti sauce in! The important thing is the onions get a little cooked before the wet stuff goes in, so they're not so wet and limp and boiled....

Honestly this depends entirely on whether I remember to chop an onion first or I find the can opener for the tomatoes first. The ingredients go in in whatever order they go in.

Derin who hurt you

A pack of wild chefs herded my mother off a cliff

Theres probably a hit out on you for this

What kind of stupid idiot would waste money assassinating someone who's so clearly going to accidentally poison themself for free at some point

Men, boys, and eggs of my acquaintance, I cannot stress this enough:

Nobody worth being with will ever judge you based on your deli sandwich choices.

Sincerely, a dude who had to watch like two dozen men pretend to find vegetarian sandwiches unthinkable in order to maintain a sense of masculinity today.

The sando gender spectrum I osmoted this weekend according to a specific type of dude:

1. Roast beef is the most masculine of sandwiches. The only sandwich it is permissible to ask for by name (we did not have roast beef as an option).

2. Ham is an acceptable substitute for roast beef. There appears to be some controversy, however, over the bread options; we only had two, croissant or ancient grains roll (gluten free). Croissant is considered slightly more manly than ancient grains UNLESS you are under 20 in which case "ancient grain" sounds badass.

3. Turkey is okay, obviously not ham but if you don't like ham it's an option as long as you don't show enthusiasm for it. Definitely has to have mayo however. Mustard is a bit much. (Initial field research indicates mayo is the manliest of condiments but we have not introduced barbecue sauce into the study yet.)

4. Chicken salad is woman food. Absolutely not acceptable unless you announce loudly that it's for your wife or that she's making you for your health.

5. Vegetarian wraps require a recoil reaction or a sheepish "oh, no, no, what meats do you have?" protest. We had the veggie wraps off to one side so vegetarians could get to them more easily, and guys would come up to the wrap boxes because there was no crowd/line, then I'd say "that's veggie wraps" and they'd stagger back.

To be clear, most of the people of all genders at the event were totally fine, this was a small and specific set of guys -- mostly older dudes and (unsurprisingly) their young sons or grandsons. Maybe 20-30 people out of the 400+ attendees. But it really was both sad and a little funny to watch them unnecessarily assert their manhood using deli meat to me, a guy in a floral shirt with neon blue hair handing out box lunches at a charity event. My indifference to your masculinity is so vast it has its own international calling code, fellas.

PEOPLE on this website don't Talk about this shit enough:

Once upon a time I worked in this little burger/coffee/ice cream shop and a lady came in one winter and asked if we had a caramel apple drink and we were like ‘well we have cider’ and she was like ‘no I don’t remember what it’s called but this place made a drink that was chai tea, apple cider, and caramel’ and Breezy offered to try and make something for her but she changed her mind and left so Breezy and I were like ‘alright let’s try this’ because we had chai tea, instant cider mix, a shit ton of caramel, instant hot water from the espresso and too much free time. 

And let me tell you it was delightful. It tastes like watching the leaves changing color and dancing in the wind. It tastes like picking out pumpkins and gourds and fresh apples at the farm up north. It tastes like witches and freedom.

I make it every year now and this year I walked in the house on the morning of October first with all the ingredients and shouted ‘FALL DRINK’ and my roommates were like ‘????’ so I made them Fall Drink and now every time they get home from work they’re like ‘Fall Drink pls?????’

Anyway I remember literally nothing else about that woman but I’m very grateful to her. 

for anyone wondering about proportions/etc here’s op’s answer from the repiles:

@gaslightgallows I feel this would be relevant to your interests. 

I don’t like caramel but I can vouch for hot chaider being amazing.

Deareat @simonalkenmayer I feel like this is relevant to your interests.

Also, I do something like this in the crock pot with the overly sweet Growers Pumpkin Apple Cider, chai spices, cloves, a bit of orange juice, and some super dry Pinot Grigio.

Mix, heat, and serve on a nippy night best spent cuddled under blankets with a book.

My friend, you have essentially backward engineered a wonderful winter drink from the Stuart period.

White sack wine, cider, spices (clove, cinnamon, nutmeg, mace, ginger) tea, sugar, and if you want it authentic, a bit of cream or whipped egg. All this is brought together in a low temperature and then stewed for a time. It can also be “pulled”, a process in which one “stirs” the concoction by using a ladle and pouring it repeatedly from high in the air. Makes it foamy and frothy. 

Serve warm.

On a cold night, this is a delightful thing. Believe it or not, we also used to make it with a stout beer instead of wine. For a darker richer flavor.

One Black Tea Bag, One Cup Apple Juice, 2tsp butter, 2tsp brown sugar, cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger to taste will also accomplish something similar (just melt the butter and brown sugar together and whisk them around a pan a bit - don’t bother making proper caramel) Make your faux-caramel then you add the apple juice and then the rest; heat it up to a boil then turn off the heat, drop the tea bag in and let it steep for 3 minutes, serve with gingersnaps.

Nothing better than tumblr recipe posts

Started making something similar last year, old cider (Irish, alcoholic), chai tea bags and a mulled cider flavour sachet (sugar, cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg mainly). You don’t need caramel because it’s already pretty sweet and lightly boozy! Great with popcorn, banshee bones or Halloween picnmix

Bein’ a vampire is actually way less sexy when you consider you must now live a life without garlic knots

I’m lactose intolerant but I still eat ice cream. I’m no pussy and neither are vampires

your so smart

Dude that was over 2 1/2 years ago why are you just now responding

Are you mad at me

when you eat ice cream at home, what do you most often eat it out of?