this text post felt very farcille-core :")

i have spotify. open. right now on my computer. do you want me to blast you? do you want me to put you on blast cuz i got your history right here in the side bar take it back by jimmy buffet. nautical wheelers by jimmy buffet. jolly mon sing by jimmy buffet. STEAMER by jimmy BUFFET! treat her like a LADY by jimmy BUFFET! mañana by jimmy BUFFET! WHEN SALOME PLAYS THE DRUMS BY JAMES BUFFET. HaVaNa Daydreaming by Jimmy Buffet. what the FUCK happened to you? are you HAUNTED? are you FUCKING POSESSED??

YOU USED TO BE MY BROTHER

you: suck my dick me, an intellectual: inhale my richard

here it is! the post that started a “me, an intellectual” hell frenzy, and is officially ⭐ the worst post of 2016 ⭐

you: the worst post of 2016

me, an intellectual: modern art

Hey OP? What the FUCK does this mean?

decay exists as an extant form of life

That’s a terrifying answer, have a nice day

5 year anniversary of the miette post \o/

995 years left on mother's sentence

hey everyone its april fools. but dont worry i dont have anything planned. just going to sit here and...

I LIED !!!! GET PRANKED

POST BELOW ME GET FUCKING WET

for april fools we’re deleting this entire site sayonara you weeaboo shits

I am callde Fae

And I cavort

With man and beaste

Of evry sorte

I play goode triks

Like pulling tales

And steeling coin

And ringin bells

But wen I want

To cos reel fuss

I do not goe

I send walruus

I’m A Lesbiab

Lesbiam

Less Bien

Girls

it’s okay take ur time

have y’all seen the update? (x)

my friend left her window open in her bedroom and came back to find this

look at his self-satisfied little face, the cheeky shit

motherfucking australia

if there was a post to describe australia, this is it

wait. 

you mean to tell me this isn’t even a pet bird?

that in australia, you have wild birds that just fly from house to house with the express purpose of fucking shit up?

fucking HELL australia, what is wrong with you?

wake up australia 

That’s what birds do

They fly around and fuck shit up

Do you have some kind of mysterious nice birds in your weird foreign country

Do birds in America and England fly into your house and make the bed and tidy up the living room a little bit

It’s cold here, so they just bounce off the windows and lie there and twitch spasmodically while you look for the shovel.

Basically hurling themselves at windows is the worst thing birds do

yeah man a kookaburra literally flew into a classroom at my high school and just sat his smug ass down on top of the desk for a good 20 minutes

why has nobody mentioned the fact that in australia there are 3-4 months a year where everybody just accepts that they’re going to get attacked by magpies. It is literally called “swooping season” and these birds will fly down to peck your fucking face, and people get their eyes ripped out and shit, it’s fucking brutal.

My teacher had to go to hospital and have surgery because of swooping season. It was in the parking lot of school and all the kids would do a mad dash towards the car as the magpies tried to kill us.

no but when you’re 12 years old and riding your bike like mad on the way home from school with an icecream bucket on your head with like branches and shit sticking out if it to scare them off and none of this is considered strange

what the actual fuck australia 

I am pretty sure all of these Australia stories are a massive, globally-spanning trolling effort, and only the people who have visited the country are allowed to be in on the joke.

Nope.

Went there.

Parrots tried to take our car.

Came home IN A FUCKING HURRY.

Interesting thing about magpies - they’re not great at identifying individual humans visually, but if you make yourself identifiable in some way they’re usually open to reason. We used to have some very aggressive swoopers in our back yard - as soon as they realised that the humans *inside* the fence never bothered them and were the source of the delicious compost heap, they turned into flying black and white guard dogs who would viciously assault any passing stranger but never bothered anyone inside the yard. Several times they swooped at us when we approached from outside, then when we walked into the yard they would pull up and act incredibly apologetic like sorry ma’am I had no idea it was you I would never please don’t stop stocking the food pile.

There was another little group of magpies in the park who would attack any solo pedestrian but never bothered anyone walking a dog or pushing a pram, because apparently those were identifiable traits indicating a non-threatening human. In the spirit of inquiry, I started going out of my way to be polite to the magpies - carefully walking a wide arc around them when they were on the ground, etc - and emitting an identifiable call of ‘hello birdie’ before swooping season started. 

I spent the next ten years crossing that park at least once a day and as long as I turned at the first flutter of wings and said ‘hello birdie’ to the magpie waiting to attack as soon as my back was turned, I was fine. Every time, the magpie would stare at me for a minute and then fly off to harass some other pedestrian because apparently the magpies and I, we were cool. 

Parrots are a lot less open to negotiation, and the little bastards travel in flocks. Beware the parrots. 

Australia: the only country where it is necessary to sign a peace treaty with the birds in order to stay unmangled.

They lost a war against emus. The the magpie stories are unsurprising.

what… what happened with the emus

The Great Emu War of 1932: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emu_War

Damage prediction on pears during transportation.

bad and naughty children get put in The Pear Wiggler to atone for their crimes

ah, a classic

these posts have the same vibes imo 💯

and this tweet as well

this also

Just so you know, whenever we invent yet another fake fandom character, they inadvertently blink into existence, ill-formed and meaningless, only to be trapped within the hellish liminal space created by the zeitgeist of our collective consciousness.

listen

#talk about memes incomprehensible without context

That Ben Affleck was Adele all this time has left me amazed. Truly his greatest role.

I think Neil Gaiman is one of the only celebrities that truly understands what Tumblr users want.

amused-snorted at the post first, wondered what the hell previous commenter meant, backtracked to check op username and took it like missing a step down the stairs

A cat

English added by me :)