I had to use my walker chair all day today, indoors and out (usually I can handle the short stretches of standing and walking in my apartment), and I'm so glad I have it. Between my walker and help from my wife, I was able to eat, bathe, prepare myself a meal, go for a short walk, and water my patio garden.

So hooray for mobility aids! I still have moments where I feel weirdly guilty, like I'm faking it because I don't need it all the time, but I'm so glad to have it for days like today.

Everyone loves to compare fighting cancer (and other major illnesses) to fighting a battle, but I don’t think that’s quite right.

Cancer is an invasive enemy, to be sure, but it isn’t one I met on a battlefield. Cancer’s troops came to my town and ransacked my home. I wasn’t armed and ready for a fight when the battle started, I was in my bed and afraid.

Then the army of doctors came and told me they were allies and that together we could defeat cancer. I agreed, thinking that yes, now I could fight back and get revenge on the menace that had attacked me.

Instead I learned that my allies’ only plan was to burn my house down and poison my well so the invaders would feel unwelcome and wouldn’t have anything left to take.

It worked. The invasion ended and I was cured. But I can no longer think about the future without wondering what will burn my life to the ground next.

So when people congratulate me on beating cancer, it’s hard to look at the ruins of my old life and think of its destruction as a victory. I may have survived cancer, but I didn’t beat it.

I hate hate hate my internalized ableism. I'm chronically ill and disabled. I had an exhausting week and was Active every day this week, even though I've been having a rough time with mental health stuff. I intentionally made no plans to go out or get anything done today because I'm exhausted and I need to catch up on some rest. I ended up being slightly active anyway and went with @just-opal-things on the bus to work. Then I came home, ate lunch, and rested. I talked to my sister on the phone for a long time, I had a nice long distance movie night with @sahraylia, and overall it was a good day that went as planned. And fucking yet. Here I sit feeling frustrated and like I accomplished nothing. Logically I know my day was exactly the day I tried to have, and that I needed probably an even more laidback day than I gave myself, but I keep thinking of things that still need to be done. It's bullshit.

Wow... Having had a Major Illness™ and being chronically ill in several ways is weird and sucky, but like... One of the things thst's the hardest to fight is not one-upping people. Like, I so seldom feel that my relevant experience is appropriate to share when people are talking about medical stuff because I don't want to seem melodramatic and most of my stories are kind of horrific.

These stupid clickbait ads on tumblr need to stop heavily implying that peripheral celebrities like Sam Huntington and Jennifer Coolidge are dead when they're definitely alive. I mean, it's not as bad as the ads that try to make me think I have cancer, but still. Shut up.

My delightful wife @just-opal-things got me this t-shirt because Deadpool is my absolute fave.

My sports bra gave me neck spasms, so I spent a lot of time lounging and waiting to feel better today. (they/them)