Sequel to The Last Time. TS Verse.
Castiel stared out the window of his new apartment, feeling incredibly alone.
He loved the building and his new home. He loved the neighbourhood, he even liked his neighbors. But when he signed his lease, he had been imagning sharing the place with Dean.
His phone rang and Dean’s face appeared on the screen. He let it go to voicemail.
He remembered the first time Dean came to him. They were juniors in college, Castiel had been in love with his best friend for years, and one night Dean kissed him. Castiel had been elated. Dean had wanted him, had given him his first kiss, his first hickies, had undressed him and taken everything. Then he told Castiel that it was just between them.
Since that day, Castiel had been allowing Dean to break his heart, to use him and his body because he needed Dean to want him. For five years his world revolved around him while Dean never gave him the time of day. Dean was everything and Castiel was nothing.
His phone rang again and Castiel turned it off. If he spoke to Dean, he would give in. He fall back into the rutine of being a dirty little secret.
He took a shower, reveling in the heat and pressure of the water. His old apartment had awful water pressure and the water got cold after five minutes. His old apartment was awful all around. Dean would have loved this place.
Castiel turned off the water and wrapped a towel around his waist. He went to his bedroom and opened the drawer he’d put his t-shirts in. Dean’s old college football shirt was on top of the others. Castiel picked up and put it to his nose. His scent lingered in the fabric.
He put the shirt on and curled up on his bed, suddenly cold. Tears gathered in his eyes and ran down his face.
He was alone. He had told Dean to choose and he chose Lisa. Of course he chose Lisa. She was beautiful and he didn’t have to hide her. Castiel was an easy lay that got too clingy and had lost his appeal.
He wondered if Dean missed him or if he was just calling because he felt bad. Maybe he wanted his things back. Castiel didn’t know if he could do that. He didn’t know if he could let go of all those years.
Nights helping Dean study for tests and never being invited to the celebrations after he passed. Days spents waiting for him to call or text. All the times that he needed someone and Dean was too busy. Spending three hours sitting at resturant that he hated, waiting Dean to show or text him or call to say that he was on his way or that he was sorry.
But he wasn’t sorry. He never loved Castiel and he never would. Cas was just fooling himself to think that he did.
Dean liked him, yes. Cared about him enough to sit with him at the hospital when his brother was in a car accident and Castiel was inconsoleable. They were friends, Dean was Castiel’s best and only friend, but that was all they were. Castiel never stood a chance.
Castiel rolled over and wrapped his arms around his spare pilliow. The pillow that would have been Dean’s if he’d ever spent the night. He closed his eyes and wished for sleep.
The days passed slowly. Even the books and regular patrons at the library couldn’t bring Castiel out of his dull haze.
He had to clear out his voicemail once a day because Dean kept calling. He’d even called Gabriel to check on him. Castiel didn’t want to talk to anyone right now, though. He wanted to be alone. Eventually, he knew he’d have to answer.
He was sitting on his couch, reading, when he finally faced it. It was the end of his first week in his new place and celebrating his own mini-victory of not giving in to Dean. Dean called then, as if Castiel’s own traitorous thought brought him foreward. He picked up his phone, thumb hovering over the ignore button.
Castiel took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and answered.
“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said, hoping his voice didn’t shake.
“Cas,” Dean sounded releived. “Jesus, I didn’t know where you were. Are you okay?”
No. “I’m fine.”
“Cas, I need to talk to you. I need to see you.” Castiel bit his lip.
Meeting was a bad idea. He couldn’t say no to Dean, he’d never been able. But he missed him. He missed him so much it hurt. He just needed to see him one more time.
“I can meet you for coffee.”
“Awesome. When and where?”
They made plans to meet the next day at a small cafe near the library where Castiel worked. Castiel hung up before Dean could say anything else. He took a deep breath and fought back the tears he felt building up.
He was stronger than that. He had to be.
Taylor songs I listened to/were requested: Last Kiss, Sad Beautiful Tragic, My cure, the moment i knew, the story of us, if this was a movie, teardrops on my guitar, perfectly good heart