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#lonely – @xmelicious on Tumblr
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Cold as Fire

@xmelicious / xmelicious.tumblr.com

Instagram: _meliciouss
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Will I always be this lonely?

My whole life, I’ve never had a true best friend. The last couple years I haven’t had any friends. I lost the few friends I did have thanks to a toxic relationship I was in over a year ago. I’ve always been depressed, insecure and just unhappy with myself. This past year I’ve been working on rebuilding myself. I met an amazing man who makes me so happy and is everything I could want in a guy and I’ve started a fitness journey that has made me feel so good about myself, it’s actually how I met my incredible boyfriend. You’d think I’d be happy, right? Well the sadness is still there. I still feel alone, if anything more alone than ever. People I thought were my friends do nothing but act fake to my face and talk shit behind my back. Unfortunately because of the paycheck I can’t get away from that environment. I have literally nobody I can go to. I feel like I could drop dead and nobody would care. I’m so tired of crying every night because of how sad I am. This sounds so pathetic but all I want is a close friend. Someone that I can go shopping with, drive around and do nothing with, just someone I can talk to. Yes I have a great boyfriend, our work schedules seem to clash and I can’t see him a whole lot besides going to the gym and hanging out a couple times a week. I don’t want to seem like that clingy/controlling girlfriend. I like to let him have a life and not be too much in his business, which isn’t a problem at all. I just wish I could have my own life. I’m just so tired of crying.

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I don't know what the hell it is I even want anymore

One minute I'm depressed about the shitty situation with my boyfriend and the next I feel like I would honestly be better on my own and want to get away. It's obvious what the right thing for me to do would be.. but at the same time it's so fucking hard to make that big of a change. Idk what to do. I wish I had more people I felt comfortable talking to.. the past few years I've lost about all my close friends and it's starting to get kind of lonely and I wish I could just rewind time before all of this...

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I'm just so broken right now idk what to do

I know what I need to do.. I need to get rid of the extra baggage that has been weighing me down for the past 2 years.. everyday I'm crying/fighting because of him and I'm just mentally exhausted. I don't have friends, my whole world practically revolves around him. Why you ask? I have no fucking idea. I love him with all my heart.. what's left of it anyway. He's done numerous things to destroy me but I still take him back. One of my biggest fears is being alone. And after having him by my side every night when I go to bed, idk if I could handle being alone. I'm afraid that if I let him go he may do something stupid and end up hurting himself, or a week later he'd be with one of the hoes he was talking to even though we were still dating. It's just looking at where I was at 2 years ago to where I'm at now.. it kills me. I was so happy, skinny had a brand new car and now I'm fat driving a mini van that's falling apart and I'm always broke. The worse part of all, no matter how much I bust my ass to always have money for us or to help him out I feel as though he's just taking advantage of me. Now don't get me wrong anytime I'm flat broke he'll find a way to help us, he'll occasionally do things to help me out. But overall, I hate to say it, but I feel like I'm wasting my time. And I'm just so scared that this is all gonna come to an end and I'm just gonna feel more alone and empty then ever.. and that just terrifies me.

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I wish I had a best friend..

I wish I had that one girl friend that I can share anything with, someone that texts me randomly throughout the day. Someone to go out and get drunk with or go smoke a blunt. But anytime anyone tries making any type of conversation with me I get all awkward and end up not replying after a while because.. well I really don't know. I just feel so lonely anymore

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I came across some pictures of me from almost 2 years ago and I broke down. I was so happy with myself here. I had finally made it to my dream weight and had confidence. All throughout school I always hated how I looked and was always so self conscious. I finally accomplished something that I never thought would happen. But then I fell in love... ever since me and my boyfriend started dating I stopped working out completely and I eat nothing but junk and fast food. I've been so depressed lately about how I've been letting myself go. I just wish I could get the motivation to be healthy again. I miss how good I felt about myself being able to put on a pair of shorts and not worrying about how huge my legs were. I just hope I can somehow get on that track again so I can be happy

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Someone be friends with me

I feel so lonely. I need someone to talk to. I have my boyfriend. But I wish I had a girl best friend that I could just feel comfortable with and talk to about anything. I know this sounds so lame. In reality I feel so awkward hanging out with people or even just talking to people. I never know how to act when I'm out with people and I feel like anything I say sounds stupid, which doesn't help with my social life. So if anyone is interested hit me up

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I don't know how to handle things anymore

I just wish i could run away and live in like a forest somewhere and not have to deal with anyone/anything. I'm just so sad. I've always been sad. I try to hide it when I'm out with people or at work and what not. But here i am lying in bed and i just can't stop thinking about how miserable i am. I've heard it before "at least you have you're health and you're not homeless." Yeah i get it, but that still doesn't change the fact that the thought of "what would happen if i were to just disappear one day" runs through my mind on a daily basis. I'm just not happy with myself, or really with anything. I've recently gained some weight that I'm not too happy with. Yeah, i was starving myself before but never in my life have i had as much confidence as i did a year ago. I feel like i can't trust my boyfriend. Anytime i ask him a question idk if he's telling the truth or just telling me what i want to hear. My work environment is also not helping out with my situation at all. I wish i had a friend that i could go to about anything or to just hangout with when I'm lonely. But i don't. Idk if I'm just that pathetic that people don't want to be friends with me or what. I feel so ridiculous posting this but its the only way to let this out. I just wish i could learn to love myself and to just be happy.

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