I just wanna be where I’m suppose to be. But I just can’t find my place.

Starting Over

I haven’t been on here in like a year, been going through a lot of ups and downs (i’m sure no one is reading this but it makes me feel like i’m talking to someone haha) Moved out of a crappy situation that I was in, been living with my amazing boyfriend since January. Things have been going great in that department. 

Unfortunately I haven’t been very motivated in the whole health and wellness thing... thanks to the rona and gyms being closed, I didn’t have motivation to do anything and I was eating whatever I want. My gym has been open for a little over a week. I’ve been going pretty regularly. Although I still wasn’t eating that great. My birthday was Sunday, so in my mind I was like “it’s my birthday I can be fat if I want to.” But now i’ve come to a realization, I’m 27 years old and I’ve really done nothing with my life. I’m in a dead end job and I’m just about as insecure with my body as I was when I was 18. I’m going to start taking my nutrition and fitness more seriously. I’ve bought planners in the past that I never ended up using so I’m going to start tracking my calorie intake and workouts with that. I’d like to keep updated on here just to help keep me accountable. It would be nice to meet people on here that are also interested in the same thing. I don’t have many people in my real world that I can talk to. I have a hard time opening up about this stuff in person. I’ve touched on it with my boyfriend and he’s very supportive, I just feel like I’ve told him many times about “being serious about my diet” and I always end up falling off. So I kind of want it to be like a surprise for him, plus he deserves a hot girlfriend haha.

I’d also like to start venturing into new hobbies/interests. I don’t really do much in my spare time.. it’s honestly kind of depressing. lol But I think that will help with my mental stability. My end goal would be to be able to get out of the dead end job i’m in. I’m pretty content with what I’m doing now, but it’s certainly not what I want to be doing 10 years from now. So maybe this could help open doors for me elsewhere.

Anyway.. coming to an end of a rant. It feels really good to get off my chest! Not really sure how to end this so i’m just gonna stop here haha 

Will I always be this lonely?

My whole life, I’ve never had a true best friend. The last couple years I haven’t had any friends. I lost the few friends I did have thanks to a toxic relationship I was in over a year ago. I’ve always been depressed, insecure and just unhappy with myself. This past year I’ve been working on rebuilding myself. I met an amazing man who makes me so happy and is everything I could want in a guy and I’ve started a fitness journey that has made me feel so good about myself, it’s actually how I met my incredible boyfriend. You’d think I’d be happy, right? Well the sadness is still there. I still feel alone, if anything more alone than ever. People I thought were my friends do nothing but act fake to my face and talk shit behind my back. Unfortunately because of the paycheck I can’t get away from that environment. I have literally nobody I can go to. I feel like I could drop dead and nobody would care. I’m so tired of crying every night because of how sad I am. This sounds so pathetic but all I want is a close friend. Someone that I can go shopping with, drive around and do nothing with, just someone I can talk to. Yes I have a great boyfriend, our work schedules seem to clash and I can’t see him a whole lot besides going to the gym and hanging out a couple times a week. I don’t want to seem like that clingy/controlling girlfriend. I like to let him have a life and not be too much in his business, which isn’t a problem at all. I just wish I could have my own life. I’m just so tired of crying.