What?

okay I’ll say it nicer:

australia was colonised according to the myth of terra nullius (or empty land). ever since the very early days of colonialism, the land has been framed as something untameable and unliveable. this has justified acts of violence against the first peoples here, in that they are seen as non-people. it has justified the destruction of sacred land in the goal of making australia look more european. (an example: our capital city contains a man-made lake that is now nothing better than a fetid carp pond. it’s disgusting and unnatural). basically, the idea of “taming australia’ has justified endless harm

“everything in australia is weird and dangerous” is not just some silly meme phrase, it is something that arcs back to the very beginning of white settlers laying claim to ‘australia’. and personally I am very sick of seeing it thrown around like it means nothing

In 1975, North Korean ambassador to Australia crashed his official Mercedes-Benz while drunk driving. Knocking on the door of the nearest house looking for help, the ambassador was aghast to find the door opened by none other than the South Korean ambassador.

Having immediately fled the scene on foot, the next morning the North Koreans visited a local Mercedes dealer in an attempt to buy a replacement car. This did not go well however as - after picking a car - the North Koreans were told they would have to wait a few weeks for a delivery, as the display car had already been bought by the South Korean ambassador. There was much screaming.

Days later, without telling anyone, the North Koreans abruptly abandoned their embassy and fled back to Pyongyang.

Sources [1], [2], [3]

It is claimed diplomatic relations were then completely severed only a year later when a tree was chopped down in the Korean DMZ, using an axe which North Korea claimed had the label "Made in Australia" on it. Only years later was it revealed to have been mistranslated, and actually read "Made in Austria".

After almost 30 years of diplomatic catfighting, North Korea reopened their Australian embassy in 2002. Only a year later Korean officials were busted importing $120 million worth of heroin under the guise of a Mercedes-Benz import-export business.

North Korea attempted to reopen the embassy AGAIN in 2013, with the CIA strongly urging Australia to accept, however the Australian government politely declined the offer this time.

If you're in Australia you'll already know this, but for our international readers, basically the whole of Australia ground to a halt today because one of our two mobile/internet networks - Optus - just completely shat its dacks for about 9 hours, taking out the country's phones, internet and banking.

The funniest part though, is that apparently when the national broadcaster tried to reach out to find out what was going on - they discovered the quite forseeable problem that everyone at Optus used Optus for their phone and internet, so there was basically no way for their company to contact anyone inside or outside the company to work out what was going on or to try and fix it.

What a country.

Brought to you by the country that couldn't do the 2016 census because the website crashed on census night after they received an "unexpected DDoS attack" that turned out to be the population of Australia trying to fill out the census.

King Charles will not appear on new Australia $5 note

In a sensational decision, the Reserve Bank will dump King Charles III from the bill, saying it was time for a “new design that honors the culture and history of First Australians.”

A portrait of the late Queen Elizabeth II appears on the current design of the five dollar note.

The Queen's death last year reignited debates about Australia's future as a constitutional monarchy.

new fav wikipedia page

#Humans will pack-bond with goddamn anything up to and including weather formations

Humans: Isn’t it charming and quaint how our ancestors gave spirits and personalities and godhoods to everything around them. Their primitive, unenlightened eyes must have seen things so differently to us, wise in their own way.

Also humans: That cloud group is named Hector and he likes to hang out at the beach for half of the year.

Every summer I forget how much I fucking love spiders I’ve drunk one every day this week

Drinking spiders??!

You put ice cream in a glass and pour soft drink over it. It creates a thick layer of delicious foam on top of a sweet, creamy drink with ice cream in it.

And yes I did attempt to get a picture by googling “Australia spider” like a fucking moron.

I think that’s called a float in the states. Although we usually plop the icecream into the glass after the soda. Similar effect though.

We wouldn’t be able to call it that because the word is way too easy to confuse with a floater, which is a meat pie floating in a bowl of pea soup. It is every bit as delicious as a spider though. I should get some pies and pea soup.

I would like to announce that this is not a standard Australian food, it’s exclusively a South Australian one and the rest of Australia is just as appalled as the rest of the world.

It’s not our fault that the rest of Australia is incorrect about food.

#WE HAVE SPIDERS IN AOTEAROA and they serve CUNT#im gonna steal ice cream from work this weekend and make spiders with it. i will steal the fizzy from work also#i fucking hate my boss 

Living your best life I see

“average person eats 3 spiders a year" factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in South Australia and BADLY misinterpreted our survey question,,

Bro they're flying the Aboriginal flag at half mast outside my work... Because the queen of England died...

Anyway, colonial propaganda aside, here's the statement made by Warlpiri elder Ned Jampijinpa Hargraves

Second statement Ned Jampijinpa Hargraves made responding to criticism he got for being disrespectful to the queen

Tjukulpa: Owners of land/lore, Kurrawari: Custom

“you know how stuffs just places”

from what i know of Big Birds, this is a common occurrence

I think this prof that Americans could’ve won the Emu war

 *deep breath*

*let it out*

*start my daily affirmation*

I am refusing to engage. I will not engage. People are allowed to be wrong on the internet, even about their predicted efficacy in the emu war.

IF you can spare the spoons, please tell me about the emu war. I have not been paying attention and saw it as a joke but apparently it’s a real thing and I am now very curious.

The cliff notes:

- Awhile ago, Australia wanted to cull the emu population. This sort of thing happens a lot. Colonising Australia involved trying to recreate England in one of the most unique large-scale ecologies and climates in the world, which was largely unsuccessful, and ever since, Australian land management has been a plate spinning act. The responsibility and necessity of these culls is... variable. Some of them are a good idea, some of them are a terrible idea.

- We didn’t know much about emus yet. For some reason, it was decided to make this a military operation, rather than the usual methods of a farming/fishing operation or biowarfare (we get desperate sometimes). Australia deployed a few soldiers with machine guns and “declared war”, kind of like America’s War on Terror and War on Drugs.

- Due to some quirks in their biology and behaviour, emus turned out to be strangely immune to machine gun fire. These dudes would roll up with these infantry-destroying weapons, let loose, and kill like, three emus while a hundred got away.

- Compared to the efficiency of a usual cull, this is embarrassing.

- Australia spent an absurd amount of money on the ‘emu war’ and just wasn’t getting decent returns on the investment. The project was declared unsuccessful and terminated. We ‘surrendered’ to the emus.

- Now foreigners make fun of us for losing a war to birds.

- We deserve it. There are sensible ways to manage a cull and none of them involve the unrestrained use of machine guns.

Witty Street Art

Sydney-based street artist Michael Pederson’s creates quirky street art that is so subtle that it’s easy to walk past it without even knowing it’s there. He encourages people to take a closer look at their streets and neighbourhoods, and second guess some signs. “I think we travel through urban space without really seeing it most of the time,” Pederson told CityLab. “I like the idea of interfering with the overly familiar background blur … Ideally with something a passerby might see out of the corner of an eye.”

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How we feeling, my fellow Australians?

January 26 1988 - Burnum Burnum plants the Aboriginal flag at the cliffs of Dover, claiming England for the Aboriginal peoples of Australia, exactly 200 years after Arthur Phillip claimed Australia for the British. [video] The full Burnum Burnum Declaration:

SYDNEY’S NEW YEAR EVE FIREWORKS 2022

I feel like this would be a slippery slope towards making it illegal for people to choose to not vote.

that’s already how it is in australia

That’s just so fucked up. :( Do certain medical conditions exempt you?

?????? why is it be fucked up to have compulsory voting? that’s the way it is in most democratic countries? it’s a part of being a citizen, like paying taxes and obeying speed limits? the fine for not voting is only like $50 and because of the compulsory voting law, our country bends over backwards to make it accessible: it’s always on a weekend, lasts most of the day, and is set up at schools and community centers so there’s one within easy reach of almost everybody. you can also mail your ballot or vote early if you’ll be out of the country on the day. like, IT’S EASY TO VOTE, and the penalty isn’t even that ridiculous. i don’t understand why the usa doesn’t have this, except obviously it would make it harder to literally stop minorities from voting.

I think we Americans tend to forget that a lot of other countries don’t actively work to make it harder to vote.

Adding to this here, in Australia you don’t have to vote. Or, more precisely, there’s no way they can tell if you ruined your ballot. You have to turn up, get your name marked off, but you can put a line through the ballot if you don’t think any of the candidates are worth voting for. Or do this: 

Or this: 

Or this: 

You have get your name crossed off (if you don’t want to wear the fine), but you don’t have to make your vote counted if you’re opposed to it. 

And it is so, so easy to vote. Stuck at work or on holidays? That’s fine. Do a postal vote.  Stuck in hospital? That’s fine. They’ll go to you. Stuck in an old people’s home and can’t get around? Again, they’ll go to you. It’s amazing to me that it’s so hard for so many Americans to actually vote. If you make it compulsory, than at least the government is obligated to provide you with the means to vote. 

And look, I get it. Sometimes I don’t want to vote either. But I suck it up, I walk three minutes down the street, and I hope that this year they’re selling lamingtons again. Oh, and I buy a democracy sausage, which, even if all the candidates suck, makes the effort of turning up pretty worthwhile. 

ALSO, you can see even on the fucked up ballots that you NUMBER CANDIDATES IN ORDER OF PREFERENCE. There’s no need to calculate whether I would be throwing away my vote on the candidate that I most agree with if they’re not from a major party. I can say, I want that independent person to get in, but if not them, give me Big Party A, and if not them, that minor party person is still better that Big Party B, and I’m not giving any preference to the Lunatic Fringe Party.

Our system certainly has some issues still, but I can show up to somewhere nearby, line up for a few minutes (if at all), vote exactly in line with my values (on paper, leaving a paper trail that can be recounted), and then buy a sausage and some home made cupcakes on my way out.

A country’s voting system matters a hell of a lot and every citizen deserves one that makes it easy to vote and results in a government that is representational and accountable.

And by the way, one time I had a bad asthma flare-up on Election Day and didn’t make it to my polling station. I got my fine in the mail, I filled out the form explaining why I couldn’t vote, no more fine. I would rather have, you know, expressed my preference for who should run my country, but they were cool with the fact that I couldn’t do it that day.

“oh no, what if people actually have to participate in picking the government officials who will impact their lives” jesus christ

Automatic voter registration is what happens here in Canada. Before elections, every single person that’s eligible to vote gets a letter from Elections Canada informing them exactly where their polling station is, and when you can go vote. On election day you just go to your polling station, turn in the registration slip thing that was in the letter, and you get a ballot. Fill it in, throw in the box, done.

That’s how every single federal and provincial election works. The whole process has never taken me longer than fifteen minutes, including the walk there and back (tho my polling place is literally in sight of my house, so the walk isn’t much). I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone having to wait more than half an hour or so to vote, and that’s just during the rush when everyone’s getting off work and stopping to vote before heading home.

I think it helps that politicians have like, no influence over the decisions made by Elections Canada, so nobody can fuck around to try and skew election results; it’s all run by a neutral party.

Roger Explosion: Secret Agent is a series written, produced, directed by and starring David McGhan. It’s the thrilling, exciting and sexy adventures of Australia’s top secret agent, as he defends the world and its creatures against Bhutto, his arch nemesis. He’ll fight for justice, and when necessary, kill.

::ONLY TO BE VIEWED PRIOR TO COMMITTING SEPPUKU::