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I'm using that as my excuse for being single from now on.

The Curious Case of Napoleon’s penis.

France’s most famous emperor liked to get around, and its believed that he suffered from both syphilis and gonorrhea. So, after his death, the doctor performing his autopsy noticed it  looked a little strange and decided to cut it off. Unfortunately this skilled practitioner failed to put it in some formaldehyde, and it was already, um, a bit shrivelled when he sold it illegally to a Corsican priest (Corsica was Napoleon’s native province, so I guess the priest was just a really big fan).

After the priest’s death, Napoleon’s family jewels stayed within his family, until it finally found its way to America in the early 20th century. Then it was purchased, ironically, by an American Urologist (a penis doctor, FYI). The now inch and half artifact was then put on display, where it was compared to a wrinkled piece of beef jerky.

The penis’ current owner was very protective of his prize, so took it off display because he thought people were making fun of it, and locked it in a trunk, allowing no one to see it. There it stayed for many years, while its owner was off collecting other morbid artifacts (like the leather seat cushions from the car Kennedy was shot in), until he died.

Just recently, his daughter discovered it in the trunk, resting on cotton in a little wooden box. Last thing I heard, she’s not selling it, but has received offers for up to $100,000. And not to long ago, a lock of Napoleon’s hair sold for $15,000.

I wonder if Napoleon knows his body parts have become hot commodities.

The “penis’ current owner” was John K. Lattimer, whom I’m starting to find very, very creepy. This Dr Lattimer was also present at the Nuremberg trials, and talked to many prominent Nazis including Hermann Göring and Rudolf Hess. AND HE HAS WEIRD NAZI MEMORABILIA, e.g., HITLER’S LOOFAH, HERMANN’S UNDERWEAR & CORSET, HITLER’S PLUSH DOG….

Only on tumblr you can read about stuff like this

Don’t forget that he also had Lincoln’s bloody collar and Nicholas Murray Butler’s prostate.

What would historical figures without weird collectors prying into their private objects?

I say like I wouldn't do this if I had money.

The clitoris: nature’s tiny dick

I have a feeling that this will be one of those things I reblog right before my parents decide to check up on my blog.

Duck and cover, sweethearts, Grendel is feminist-ing again!

Why do we have the concept of "virginity"? I'll tell you! Agriculture.

Essentially, virginity meant jack shit when people were transient. If you're moving around a lot, hunting and gathering, you don't really "do" material goods. You don't own land, you don't own much more than you can carry, so inheritance isn't really a thing.

But once you start settling down, you plant a farm and that land becomes yours because it's your food growing there. You have a stable residence and you have things to keep that you don't have to lug around everywhere, and you know what? You want your kids to have some of this, to continue your legacy.

Only... how do you know that it's YOUR kids? Say you're a man - the woman you've partnered with, no matter how much you love each other... she could sleep with other guys. She could then get pregnant with their children. It doesn't matter so much when kids are raised communally by a traveling band, but if it's just your household relying on you for the food you're working so hard to provide, you don't want to have to feed mouths you didn't put here, suddenly-male-and-monotheistic-god damn it! And you certainly don't want to pass your hard earned lands along to somebody else's kid.

But how are you going to ensure that your wife is having YOUR kids? Make sure you're the only person she ever has sex with, of course.

Well, shit, how do you do that? By attaching a meaning to having sexual intercourse for the first time. By stigmatizing sex before marriage. Yah - that'll work!

And, over time women become commodified as baby factories, virginity becomes a thing, and we have long-lasting repercussions because there was no such thing as Ye Old Maury.

This can be backed up by modern hunter-gatherer bands that have no words in their languages for "virginity" and place no life-changing meaning on sex.

tl;dr - agriculture was vital for the advancement of human society but boy howdy did it fuck up a lot of shit.

But, fuck that shit because we are in the modern era, women don't deserve to be exchanged on the goods market, and virginity doesn't have to mean anything you don't want it to. Fuck slut-shaming.

Iron chastity belt, Europe, 1501-1600

Red velvet lining gives some comfort for the wearer of this hinged, metal chastity belt. The heavy belt is locked with a key. It is thought chastity belts were invented in the Middle Ages to prevent women having sexual intercourse. However, recent arguments suggest they are nothing more than Victorian myths. Documentation connected with this object claims it may date from the 1500s, but more likely it was made in the 1800s.

Venetian chastity belt on display in the Doge’s palace. (Claimed to be 16th–17th century.)

A chastity belt is a locking item of clothing designed to prevent sexual intercourse. They may be used to protect the wearer from rape or temptation. Some devices have been designed with additional features to prevent masturbation. Chastity belts have been created for males and females, ostensibly for the purpose of chastity.

According to modern myths the chastity belt was used as an anti-temptation device during the Crusades. When the knight left for the Holy Lands on the Crusades, his Lady would wear a chastity belt to preserve her faithfulness to him. However, there is no credible evidence that chastity belts existed before the 15th century (more than one hundred years after the last Crusade), and their main period of apparent use falls within the Renaissance rather than the Middle Ages.

In any case, Renaissance chastity belts were said to have had padded linings (to prevent large areas of metal from coming into direct prolonged contact with the skin), and these had to be changed fairly frequently, so that such belts were not practical for uninterrupted long-term wear. Uninterrupted long-term wear could have caused genitourinary infection, abrasive wounds, sepsis and eventual death.

via

To Serve and Protect: Historical Contraceptives

Casanova also used sheepskin (read: intestine) condoms. Those are still available today, mostly for people with latex allergies. But they have small holes so they aren’t as effective, especially not against STDs, so be aware.

….As for the rest of these, just because they USED to do it does NOT mean you ought to. Tadpoles in mercury and bees? Really? Really? Where did you ever come up with that?!