As I Write

The Princess Bride is such a funny book to read after ONLY seeing the movie. Like Goldman made up a fake author from a fake country and proceeded to write the book as an abridged version of what the fake author wrote... and then he proceeds to add in notes to the "abridged version" mentioning all the boring world building stuff he skipped because it was boring.

Like shout out to William Goldman, man really did make an entire book that is just "the cool scenes you thought of in your head" and then made up a fake author to abridge so he doesn't have to connect them.

And it slaps

I used to work at a used bookstore, and had a group of three teenage boys come in wanting the "Unabridged Version" of Princess Bride.

They would not believe that it was a narrative device and the unabridged version didn't exist. Said no author would credit someone else for their own writing, that was ridiculous, and was there a guy who knew about fantasy they could talk to?

I grabbed a coworker and left him to deal with it. Heard him explaining the concept of a pen name as I walked away.

the unabridged princess bride 🤝goncharov

fictitious works of media that sound very interesting but can never exist in a way that lives up to the expectations built by their nonexistence

yes it is

The world would be so much better if people would just unironically write stuff like this. I’m tired of books that Take Themselves Seriously

Years and years ago, I read a book on cryptography that I picked up because it looked interesting--and it was!

But there was a side anecdote in there that stayed with me for more general purposes.

The author was describing a cryptography class that they had taken back in college where the professor was demonstrating the process of "reversibility", which is a principle that most codes depend on. Specifically, it should be easy to encode, and very hard to decode without the key--it is hard to reverse the process.

So he had an example code that he used for his class to demonstrate this, a variation on the Book Code, where the encoded text would be a series of phone numbers.

The key to the code was that phone books are sorted alphabetically, so you could encode the text easily--picking phone numbers from the appropriate alphabetical sections to use ahead of time would be easy. But since phone books were sorted alphabetically, not numerically, it would be nearly impossible to reverse the code without exhaustively searching the phone book for each string of numbers and seeing what name it was tied to.

Nowadays, defeating this would be child's play, given computerized databases, but back in the 80s and 90s, this would have been a good code... at least, until one of the students raised their hand and asked, "Why not just call the phone numbers and ask who lives there?"

The professor apparently was dumbfounded.

He had never considered that question. As a result, his cipher, which seemed to be nearly unbreakable to him, had such an obvious flaw, because he was the sort of person who could never coldcall someone to ask that sort of thing!

In the crypto book, the author went on to use this story as an example of why security systems should not be tested by the designer (because of course the security system is ready for everything they thought of, by definition), but for me, as a writer, it stuck with me for a different reason.

It's worth talking out your story plot with other people just to see if there's a "Why not just call the phone numbers?" obvious plot hole that you've missed, because of your singular perspective as a person. Especially if you're writing the sort of plot where you have people trying to outsmart each other.

#this has wrapped back around to reaching someone who cares about security more than writing#like this kind of thing is EVERYWHERE#anyways @op drop the title

@demo-ness, here you go:

i want to coin a phrase that's the opposite of writer's block. call it the muse's fire hydrant. thirty thousand story ideas are being beamed directly into your brain and if you don't write them all at once you will die.

yknow what i mean?

@blackkatmagic

nearly all libraries have a ghost, but medical libraries frequently have a ghost and a skeleton

i’ve been reminded that most people don’t know about the ghost

‘ghost reading’ means collecting usage stats for books which are used within the library, without being checked out (which would automatically generate usage data).

This is often done by checking out the book to a dummy user account belonging to The Library Ghost before it’s reshelved. (After being returned ofc. Ghosts read very fast.)

Due to ghost reading, most libraries ask that you do not return books to the shelves yourself, even if you’re confident of where they go - there will instead be somewhere they’ll ask you to leave them (or just leave them out on a surface somewhere) so they can be collected and ghost read.

I knew about leaving books out after you read them, but I didn't know about the ghost account thing! Thank you for explaining that 👍

Certified Library Post

no you see this is my emotional support rewrite of chapter 1

My sister actually had vampire who keeps going back to medical schools over and over and over again. Every time he completes it he adds a ‘Dr.’ to his title. Right now he’s ‘Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Vampire’.

without the knowledge of ocs this implies that she owned a vampire. like kept one as a pet

Nah she just sponsored hi student visa

Here's a legal PSA:

If you've committed a crime and a detective gathers everyone involved in the room, especially if he's not actually a detective and is instead a novelist, puzzle-setter, psychic, fake psychic, dog, chess grandmaster, etc. ...

YOU SHOULD NOT CONFESS.

Every year, hundreds of people are put away by non-traditional "detectives" who have either inserted themselves into the case or are working with the police in a dubiously legal capacity as advisor. In 99% of these cases, the murderer gives a full confession even though the evidence against them is circumstantial at best and often requires a long just-so story which can only guess at motive.

If this happens to you, stay quiet, do not attempt to defend yourself or talk your way out of it, only say "I want a lawyer".

Now if you find yourself being investigated by a boy genius, magician's assistant, anthropologist, classics scholar, or philosopher, it's likely that refusing to talk to the police (or investigator with no legal authority) is merely the end of the second act, and by the end of the third act they will have you dead to rights.

YOU SHOULD STILL NOT CONFESS.

Make them take it to court. Force the eccentric detective and his straight-laced police partner to take the stand and explain their methods to a jury of your peers. Have your lawyer look at the chain of custody on the evidence, especially if you believe it to have been handled by someone who has only bumbled into detective work through their natural charm and/or unique set of skills and outsider perspective that come in handy more often than they should.

Know your rights. Don't let eccentric detectives put you away.

"you're the writer, you control how the story goes" no not really. i wrote the first sentence and then my characters said "WE WILL TAKE IT FROM HERE" and promptly swerved into an electrical fence.

If you're a writer you're supposed to write a lot of bullshit. It's part of the gig. You have to write a lot of absolute garbage in order to get to the good bits. Every once in a while you'll be like "Oh, I wish I hadn't wasted all that time writing bullshit," but that's dumb. That's exactly the same as an Olympic runner being like "Oh, I wish I hadn't wasted all that time running all those practice laps"

Some libraries can even get you hooked up with social workers and local aid programs. The important thing is investigating what YOUR library can do for YOU.

I do have a piece of writing advice, actually.

See, the first time I grew parsnips, I fucked it up good. I hadn't seen parsnips sprouting before, right, and in my eagerness I was keeping a close eye on the row. And every time I saw some intruding grass coming up, I twitched it right out, and went back to anticipating the germination of my parsnips.

But it turns out parsnips take a bit longer than anything else I'd ever grown to distinguish themselves visually. It's just the two little split leaves, almost identical to a newly seeded bit of kentucky bluegrass when they first come up, and they take a good bit to establish themselves and spread out flat before the main stem with its first distinctive scallopy leaf gets going.

I didn't get any parsnips, not that year, because I'd weeded them all out as soon as they showed their faces, with my 'ugh no that's grass' twitchy horticulture finger.

The next year, having in retrospect come to suspect what had happened, I left the row alone and didn't weed anything until all the sprouts coming up had all had a bit to set in and show their colors, and I've grown lots of parsnips since. They're kind of a slow crop, not a huge return, but I like them and watching them grow and digging them up, and their papery little seeds in the second year, if you don't harvest one either on purpose or because you misjudged the frost, so it's worth it.

Anyway, whenever I see someone stuck and struggling with their writing who's gotten into that frustration loop of typing a few words, rejecting them, backspacing, and starting again, I find myself thinking, you gotta stop weeding your parsnips, man.

reading this post be like

Just the essentials!

Music credit: "Cinema Blockbuster Trailer 7" by Sascha Ende Link: https://filmmusic.io/en/song/329-cinema-blockbuster-trailer-7 License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license (CC BY 4.0)

[Video Description: A 26 second video. Orchestral, cinematic music plays. Text reads The library is on fire! Grab the most important things!

A librarian at her computer spins around in her chair in slow motion, a look of horror on her face. Video cuts between various librarians frantically rescuing items. Each scene is labeled with the item:

The South Shore Posters: A librarian completely obscured by a framed South Shore Line poster she is carrying backs out of a room.

The hand chair: A librarian hauls away a large red plastic chair shaped like a hand.

Patron holds: A librarian shovels patron holds off the holds shelf onto a cart.

Benny the library skeleton: A librarian princess-carrying a large skeleton dressed in an oversized t-shirt frantically looks around for an exit before dashing away

@tayloralisonswift

Fact: The earliest reliably dated use of the phrase “fucked up” appears in the court records of a US Navy court-martial case from 1863; the way the phrase is used suggests that its meaning was already well known at the time, but this is the first known printed record of it that we can confidently put a date to.

Additional fact: Bram Stoker’s Dracula is set in 1897.

Conclusion: It would not anachronistic for your Dracula fanfic to have a character describe the Count as a fucked up old man.

official linguistics post

This is why we don’t have Quincey’s diary

No offense but I think some of you would be a lot happier writing a fictional atlas or encyclopedia instead of a narrative story

Concur! Go forth and write your Dragonology and your Guidebook to Fairyland! Write a traveler's diary of a setting! These are fun and legitimate things to do!

I love books that are literally just this!

The most sure sign that someone doesn’t know much about poetry is when they insist that poetry has to rhyme.

And the most sure sign that someone is a little too pretentious about poetry is when they say that they hate rhyming poetry.