HEAVENBREAKER
Commissioned illustration for Sara Wolf's (Insta: @ authorsarawolf; Twitter: @ Sara_Wolf1) upcoming book, Heavenbreaker! Thanks so much for being an awesome client <3
If you'd like to reach out with questions about a commission, email [email protected] 🫵
On mission
Y/N: *taking out a knife* every room can become a panic room if you give just a fucking minute...
Soap: I'm scared LT... LT?
Ghost: I'm horny.
Not my brain expanding into my OcReader Lore just because.
Based on my first OPLA older menxfemreader headcanons and more elaborate here.
Mysterious crew of thieves and intel dealers. They are a legend even among pirates. Nobody can find them unless they want to.
Last earl of a noble family, sailed away in his youth to discover the secrets of the world. Became besties with Gold Roger in their youth and was his main informant.
He totally refused to deal with weapons or slavery which gained him the disdain of many who long to discover his secret trading routes to sail through the Blues and the Grand Line, even the New World, so fast and without losses.
Two Hakis bearer and secret Devil Fruit user. Miru Miru Fruit. Has the ability to create illusions, change his and other things’ appearances. And his secret for his swift sailings. He can disguise or hide things as big as a fleet to cross through every territory, even the Calm Belts. An illusion of his can last until 48 hours when the object or person is at a far distance from him.
There had been only one sight of the Phantom Captain by the Government 20-something years ago, and they just got the image of a dark figure with a cape and white mask, hence his current surprisingly low bounty of 150.000.000 for a man of his reputation, the rest are rumors. He chooses his acquaintances carefully and knows none of them would betray him or sell him out.
As the Phantom Captain, it's rumored he's the only one who had sailed the entire of the Grand Line, aside from Gold Roger, and knew the location of the One Piece but truthfully, that's the only secret Roger kept from him. And Eriksson respected the old troll's last wish of letting it be.
After Roger's execution, Eriksson claimed his forgotten title and an island of the Grand Line as his dukedom to establish a very legal trading business.
Hates to be considered a pirate but since he uses his alter ego to have deals with the Revolutionaries and pirates of his liking, it was inevitable to be targeted by the Government as such.
Mostly neutral, doesn't have any open alliance with any world power, aside from being a noble. If he likes someone, he will help them by giving information or stealing it.
He knows a change is necessary in the world and has been preparing for it.
Eriksson's wife and original Phantom Captain. Eriksson sailed away with her in their youth as her First Officer to pursue the world's secrets.
All Hakis bearer. That one sighting of the Phantom Captain? It was her, disguised. Had a brief but intense encounter with an Admiral and came out with severe burns in half of her body, disabling her from keep sailing.
Currently manages the affairs of their dukedom while her husband keeps her pirate legacy.
First Officer of the Phantom Pirates until 8 years ago. Expert infiltrator and knife wielder. Two Hakis user. May be one of the fastest persons in the world without being a Devil Fruit User.
Got your alias 11-ish years ago, after an infiltration for information in a Marine Base gone wrong at the last minute. You decided to be the bait while your crewmates escaped with the intel. You managed to lure your pursuers enough time and almost unseen, but left behind one of your knives with rose carvings. Got you a bounty quite high of 80.000.000 for a first and only sight of you, earning you the title of Ghost Rose.
It was after the sudden and suspicious demise of your family that you went into hiding in the East Blue with your little niece.
Son of Eriksson and Christina. Expert in deviations and navigator. At first, he didn't feel a proper earl for his parents' legacy, prefering to let you take the place of First Officer. But after some years, and a lot of coaching from you, he gained confidence in himself as a leader and was ready to take the mantle as his father's second when you had to go into hiding with your niece.
Crewmember expert in deviations. Talented brewer and perfumer.
Crewmember expert in infiltration and disguises.
.
.
.
OP made the post unrebloggable but said it's fine to screenshot and I'm in love with this
Aliens have captured you, and placed you in one of their nature preserves. However, they have sorely miscalculated on two issues: The amount of calories needed to keep a persistence predator sated, and the lethality/brutality of a hangry human.
first alien scientist in hover car: i don’t understand, all these creatures thrived together in the original environment, why is it eating them to extinction here?
second alien scientist: maybe we should add more crayfish? it ate the whole population in one sitting, that was kind of a surprise.
me, without looking up from scraping a caribou hide: i can hear you, assholes.
alien scientists: (staring)
me: yeah, i learned your language. you keep sitting there talking about me like i can’t hear you, that’s gonna happen.
first scientist: fascinating. we knew you were arguably sentient, but… (making notes)
second scientist: why are you eating everything? your food requirement in your home environment was less than half this.
me: i didn’t have to catch it myself, you idiots! you yoinked me out of the middle of a camping trip! i bought all that food at a store! i bought my CLOTHES at a store. i bought my BEDDING at a store. I DID NOT HAVE TO KILL MY OWN TENT.
me, finally looking up, shaking a flint knife at them: what the hell kind of scientists could go to earth and not notice the dominant species lives in cities? did you just swoop by in a hurry and grab everything out of the park without looking?
scientists: (silence)
me: … oh my god.
scientists: we’re grad students.
I need this as a film.
The aliens submit their research on the human species, and their captive human (having learned to read their language because students cannot keep paperwork in order) Submits their own counter-critique of their study from having lived it.
The human subject is also granted a degree. It is not honorary.
HEARTSTEEL - PARANOIA Music Video Bloopers
alright guys remember to give your vampire a bath occasionally as good as he looks covered in blood it's not exactly good for his skin or anything
bonus: sleeve paws
I’m in love with him
HE’S LITERALLY SO SILLY WHAT A FUCKING MENACE 💗💗
My medieval and ancient ancestors watching me trying to charge my laptop and connect to WiFi: Ah, yes, she must feed her magic mirror on the telluric current and summon the spirits of knowledge from the aether.
My ancestors watching me proceed to doomscroll on Twitter: Alas! She is beguiled by the cruel babblings of the demons within the mirror; soon she will descend into melancholy from the things she has witnessed.
i read Never Stale and im not normal anymore :)
"Amapola" , sleep, death, peace and rebirth
Birthday gift for my beloved @artgbitzy
Well out of the blue I just remembered today the time I accidentally joined the cast of a production of The Princess Bride….in the middle of the production.
And you’re gonna just leave us there
I mean, if you guys wanna hear the story, it is a pretty fun one
Okay, so this is what happened,
Some years ago (6? 7 years ago, I think?) there was a pirate exhibit at the state museum. We had actual artifacts from the Queen Anne’s Revenge, creepy wax dummies, historical costumes etc, it was awesome.
I was really into Pirates of the Caribbean at the time, because I played the mmorpg with some high school friends of mine (and some of their parents sometimes, who also got addicted to it), so of course when they announced “Pirate Night at the Museum”, in which visitors were encouraged to dress up, I was over the moon. So I’m there with my friends, my parents, and my sisters, running around the exhibits after the museum is technically closed.
They replaced the creepy wax dummies with people in costume at this point, and it was pretty epic.
The highlight of the night would be a showing of The Princess Bride. The movie would play on the big screen while actors would be on a stage below, acting the whole thing out word for word and shot for shot as it happened. Any audience members who knew lines were encouraged to shout them out as they heard them.
Here’s the thing. My parents love that movie. Like you don’t understand they were quoting it to us in its entirety when we were still in highchairs. I could reenact the battle of wits scene before I ever actually watched it. So my family sits in the front row, behind the railing, quoting everything right along with the actors and film.
And then comes the part in the Pit of Despair with the Albino. And the cast didn’t have anyone on the stage with Wesley. I don’t know if the Albino couldn’t make it that night, or if they’d never cast him, but it was really weird to see Wesley just lying on the stage awkwardly while the Albino is supposed to be treating his injuries.
I started twitching. My mom and sister look at me and they’re like “do it.” And one of the ushers is like “you know the part? do it”
So I launch over the railing, run up onto the stage, and take over from there, doing my best impression of the character. Being that I was a 5′2″ blonde girl in a corset and puffy sleeves, Wesley had some trouble keeping a straight face.
Then they got to the scene with Humperdink telling the guard to clear out the Thieves’ Forest, and…they didn’t have the guard either. So my twin sister up in the audience is like “hang on, I got this” and then she launches over the railing to make sure Humperdink isn’t just sitting awkwardly talking to thin air.
This meant that yes, I got bopped on the noggin by Fezzik, and yes, my sister got to do the “Give us the key.” “What key?” “Fezzik, tear his arms off.” “Oh, you mean this key!”
They made up stay on stage and take a bow with the cast when it was over, it was hilarious. Then the next year, since they still had the exhibit, the museum called my sister and was like, “So….that was super fun last year. Do you and your sister want to be audience plants and do it again this year?”
The answer, naturally, was heck yes. Since we had new volunteers playing Count Rugen and Inigo this time, this also led to my sister actually choreographing their fight scene herself. Which was awesome.
My favorite part is that this is entirely in tone for Princess Bride.
“You are not done yet”
Remember if you’re out at a store and someone says “This is a robbery” you can say “no it’s not” and then the robber will leave because theyre a robber and this is no longer a robbery .
You can not just say this without dropping the whole story
Ok so,
My dads coworker is at the front and this man comes Up and hands him a document.
The coworker took a Look at the document and while he couldn't read the things written by Hand, because he wasn't wearing his glases, he did notice the Logo of a different Bank so he's like:
"Oh, sorry sir you can't do that here! You have to go to the other Bank for this :)"
The man, visibly confused leaves, but dosen't take the document with him.
The coworker, now just as confused as the Guy actually Takes Out his glases and reads the hand written part:
This is a robbery
Can you imagine trying to rob a god damn bank and the teller just cheerfully tells you to go rob the competition instead
I worked as a bank teller for several years and a few things you should know, bank robberies happen far more frequently than you might think and they come in waves. When a bank gets robbed a notification with photos goes to all banks in the area to be on the lookout. And there are two kinds of robbery, the pass the note and the takeover (what you see in movies).
So our branch had had a big takeover robbery as well as a note one. We also had a teller that had transferred to our branch after having been through a robbery. She was sweet as apple pie, hair up to the ceiling, southern lady who had just been through multiple robberies.
A guy comes in and hands her a folded note. Her immediate thought was “this guy needs to learn you don’t hand bank tellers notes. I am just not going to read that.” So how the conversation goes:
Her: how can I help you today?
Him: I’m here to get money
Her: great *hands him a withdrawal slip*
Him: all the information is on the paper
Her: to process the transaction I need you to put it on my piece of paper
SO HE FILLS OUT A WITHDRAWAL SLIP. Meanwhile another coworker is looking at her latest robbery notification email thinking the guy at the window looks a lot like him but the teller is calm and seems to be following standard transaction.
Back at the window the teller notices his name on the withdrawal slip doesn’t match the name on the account so she asks for his ID. He once again tells her all the relevant info is on the folded note but also gives her his ID and says it is his dad’s account. She tells him he will need a check from his dad to get cash. He grabs the note and leaves.
ONE HOUR LATER
Two new robbery notifications hit our emails, both branches within a mile. It is our guy. Teller goes over to the manager and sheepishly informs them he was here and the time. Security department is notified as are local police and the FBI. The FBI comes over believing that these poor tellers had been robbed for the 3rd time in a month and take her statement. She is completely embarrassed telling them how everything went down and he kept signaling to the note and telling her to read it but she was just done.
To which this FBI agent of 40 years who has been to the scene of many bank robberies (several at this branch in recent weeks) says: Ok. Let me see if I got this right, he came in fully intending to rob you. He gave you the note and you just…refused to read it? So he left and went to the bank literally across the street, handed them the exact same note, and they just handed him five grand? Do I have that correct?”
Her: I am so embarrassed
FBI: this is best thing I have ever heard. He even handed you his ID! Holy-
Her: I feel so dumb!
FBI: don’t! This is the best thing I have ever heard. This is going to be in training courses. (He sat there giddy for at least 5 more minutes)
I have a similar story from my friend Fred, who is a great human and I like him lots.
He was working at a 7-11 that got robbed a lot, working nights. And he was bored and read though his entire contract and learned if you're shot at work you get $200,000. Also, he hated his boss and the job.
So when a guy came in to rob him at gunpoint he got excited and was able to hatch the plan he had been pondering while dealing with a Shitty Boring Job.
"Dude. Shoot me in the leg. Right here- it'll go through and not hit anything vital and I'll be able to quit this fucking job. I'll give you fifty fucking grand to shoot me in the leg then you can take everything in the register."
This ended with him chasing the weeping attempted burglar out of his store screaming "SHOOT ME YOU FUCKING COWARD I WANT THE MONEY".
One of my uncles was a branch manager at a local bank when I was a kid. His branch had the dubious honor of being one of- if not the- most robbed bank in the area. There was a bullet hole in the wall behind his desk where he'd been shot at once.
One day, this guy came in and announced he was there to rob the place. This man was smoking a cigar with one hand and had a gun in the other.
My uncle pointed at the "No Smoking" sign and told him in no uncertain terms, "Put that cigar out, or finish it outside first."
This guy, bless his heart, went back outside to finish his cigar.
My uncle locked the door behind him and waited for the cops to show up.
This is what I like to call the Bugs Bunny Deescalation Strategy
any inuyasha enjoyers out there? 👀
