flights of fancy

saw a graffiti that said “mina” with some hearts drawn around it today… jonathan harker lives

therapist: cunt dracula is not real and cannot fuck you.

cunt dracula:

[jojo pose] count dracula. [different jojo pose] nice to meet you. [jojo walk cycle] alexa, turn down the music! [the obnoxious music doesn't change volume] mr harker

I’m sat drunk in the beer garden of a rock bar and some chick is happily explaining that “So Jonathan Harker goes to this castle in Transylvania and he doesn’t know he’s in Dracula, right” to a guy who seems totally enthralled and I wish them nothing but the best

therapist: cunt dracula is not real and cannot fuck you.

cunt dracula:

[jojo pose] count dracula. [different jojo pose] nice to meet you. [jojo walk cycle] alexa, turn down the music! [the obnoxious music doesn't change volume] mr harker

Cuntula

The speed that Jonathan just accepts Count Dracula can climb walls is so funny to me.

First time: HOLY SHIT HE'S LIKE A LIZARD THIS IS INSANE MY MIND IS MELTING HE'S NOT HUMAN WHAT HORRIBLE ABOMINATION IS MY CAPTOR???!!!

Second time: Cunt Dracy doin his lizard shit again fml

Dracula voice: I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for my lawyer, his wife, his wife’s girlfriend, his wife’s girlfriend’s fiancé and their extra boyfriends the Cowboy and the doctor and the doctor’s thesis advisor who knows how to kill vampires for some reason!

jonathan harker on may 12th: i witnessed with abject terror as the count descended the sheer stone wall of the castle face first as a lizard would. the unmitigated horror of the spectacle haunts my waking hours like an inescapable nightmare. this man or this thing shall surely be my undoing.

jonathan harker on may 15th: saw the old bastard do the crawling trick again and honestly fuck him it's not even that impressive i don't even care anymore i hope he falls.

Happy Lizard Fashion Day to those who celebrate.

It is November of 1893. You have just killed a vampire. Exhausted and worn, you close your eyes and rest.

You wake up. It is May of 1893. You are on a train en route to Transylvania. Your diary says you have had queer dreams lately.

You try to believe it.

(An old woman puts a rosary in your hands. You accept it without question.)

You are a guest in a castle you have never been in before (you recognize every hallway and know without trying that every door is locked). Your host is a man you have never met before (you killed him you killed him you killed him he had turned to dust and there was blood on the snow).

One morning you cut yourself while shaving.

There is nobody behind you in the pocket mirror’s reflection.

You turn fast, and the razor is like a Kukri knife in your hand.

I cannot wait to hear about the travels that my good friend Jonathan Harker is about to embark upon, I hope his time abroad is delightful and definitely nothing bad is going to happen to him at all.

Dracula voice: I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for my lawyer, his wife, his wife’s girlfriend, his wife’s girlfriend’s fiancé and their extra boyfriends the Cowboy and the doctor and the doctor’s thesis advisor who knows how to kill vampires for some reason!

Tune into Re: Dracula in a week's time to hear the count not get away with it.

I am currently absolutely losing it listen.

I took out from the library the Spanish translation of Dracula, because what better thing to do after reading Dracula than reread it in my language. I flipped to today's note, because curious. And then I got to the Holmward line, and I died.

The OG: "[...] which we could all look back on without despair, for Godalming and Seward are both happily married."

The more natural (in Stoker's heterosexual meaning) translation: "...que ahora podemos rememorar sin desesperación, porque tanto Godalming como Seward están felizmente casados." (Empathizes each one, separately, are happily married.)

The absolute Gigachad of a translation I read: "...que ahora podemos rememorar sin desesperación, porque Godalming y Seward se han casado, y son felices." (Literally just. Art and Seward got married and are happy. There is literally no way to read this heterosexually unless you have the world's thickest Straight glasses.)

Anyway I hope translator Francisco Torres Oliver has all the bitches he wants of any gender he likes them.

Glad to see it’s not just Supernatural that gets gayer in Spanish

HOLMWARD CONFIRMED IN THE SPANISH DUB

Am i the asshole for throwing away garlic flowers?

So for context, my (50f) daughter (19f) has been a little sick, so the guy she rejected and his dutch professor (both doctors) come over frequently to check on her and make sure she's ok. Recently the dutch guy brought my daughter some flowers, which i thought was a nice gesture, but this morning i walked into her room and there were garlic flowers Everywhere. I mean door, windows, fireplace, absolutely everywhere, and everything was closed too, which made the whole room stink of garlic. I, of course, removed the flowers and opened the windows because i thought fresh air would be good for my daughter, but when i told the doctors, the older one looked on the verge of tears and then proceeded to go to the kitchen, close the door and violently sob. I thought i was doing the right thing but the professor was so sad afterwards that i started to feel bad. Is this a dutch thing? Or was i the AH?

NTA. The doctor was clearly unhinged and there's no medical treatment that actually requires garlic. I say, fire the doctor and if you can't, make sure to remove the garlic every night, even if he insists this is part of a treatment. There is a pattern of doctors trying 'out of the box' treatments when really it's just a way to scam people out of their money. Honestly, some fresh air sounds like it would do your daughter some good.

Garlic is no treatment. Any doctor could confirm this.

(source in links)

#OF COURSE drac is on reddit #he posts a story in r/nosleep about a girl who never runs out of blood and tastes like three different people #and everyone is like how clever writing this from the pov of the monster!!! #and hes like monster??? im TERRIFIED ive killed this chick like four times already and shes still alive!!!

Defeating Dracula is a lot more paperwork than the movies make it out to be.

The other thing I have realized in my efforts today is that not only do Dracula and Mina have similar tastes in women, and men, they seem to have similar tastes in everything. Architecture. Trains. Everything. It's uncanny

Mina, languishing:

Mina has a seething hatred of Dracula for the absolute pettiest of reasons but she is being So Brave About It but then she reads the diary and is like OH THANK GOD we have to kill him.

This is definitely because of Lucy's murder and Jonathan's imprisonment and not because he bought the last model train set she was eyeing for her collection. Definitely.

Mina, firing new holes in Dracula: This is for Jonathan! -bang- This is for Lucy! -bang- And this is for the limited edition single run gold-trim Central Pacific 'Jupiter' UP No. 119 - American Type model!

Dracula, spitting blood: It rolls so smooth on the tracks. Not that you'd know.

Mina, eyes blazing, barrel to his head: Play with it in Hell. -bang-