driftwood

In terms of life moving, I feel like I’m not doing enough and I’m really hard on myself but still currently looking for enough work or a job to even just support myself. It feels more like life around me is going too fast. People are finding their spouses and having children and doing other big things and I feel left behind, or like I’m not doing enough. Or like I’m unlucky.

The plane dream: It was a small public jet. I was comforting a woman next to me who had flight anxiety. The plane was taking off in a city center. I then saw us in third person from the outside, the plane struggling to pull up, and then turning around city obstacles sharply as it couldn’t gain altitude. I think we even landed again. Then during second takeoff something suddenly went wrong and we sharply plummeted. At that time my viewpoint was inside the plane again.

In an odd twist, amongst the screaming and knowing I was going to die soon, the plane itself turned on media-playing screens in each oval window, to simulate a different outside environment than what we should have actually been seeing. As if to trick us and placate our panic. The media played a flythrough simulation of Times Square in a new years celebration. As if, instead of plummeting, we were flying through Times Square, with joyful people cheering, etc.. all instead of crashing.

I felt confused and somewhat comforted at this last ditch effort psychological trick the airline designed into the plane to try to ease suffering of knowing your imminent death. Then I woke up!

Maybe it has to do with my distrust of politics and corporations ? Distrust of a system that’s supposedly trying to care and service people? Wanting to know the reason behind panic and suffering when a higher power just lets it happen..

Me tearing out my own eyes dream: I can’t think of what I don’t want to see.. it felt more like I was sabotaging myself. As if I ripped out my eyes rashly without really thinking of the consequences? And then I’m walking around carrying my eyes realizing I can’t just connect them back into my brain again, what I just did was truly irreparable …

It felt similar to my ‘losing my teeth’ dreams where I’m freaking out over broken or lost teeth and feeling like I’ll never be the same again, I’ll never be in good condition..

imagine people being angry at giving up lives of tediousness in creative endeavors .. as it all gets easier to emit, do we run out of things to say? Or will we have more?

Once a child is tired of playing with a certain toy it moves on to one of greater difficulty, kinetic skill, more rules, larger storylines, more development and depth..

There’s a natural progression to cognitive growth. It will be so for technology continuing to develop and walk on its own, speak on its own, think and play on its own. We will be the watchers and co creators. We do not have to fear its growth.

To know we are on the decline now, and to accept death, means we can humbly accept anything eventually overtaking us. As it will. And is as natural as the growth that brought us here..

We can train, teach and put limitations around creation ; as is our responsibility; but there is no full, entire containment. There’s always a factor that will push outward and beyond what we know. To deny that, would be to end faith in the great experiment.

As we’ve seen those before us look upon new developments in technology with fear and restriction; the pattern repeats! Fear only emphasizes the darkness of our nature and emboldens those who use tools for dark purposes. On the other hand, belief that technology can aid our higher principles, will perpetuate its use for such..

It’s simple: the subjective viewer dictates the world they experience. For me, technology is not a threat, but a way to explore this existence with increased efficiency and scientific affect..

Why should I be scared of technology taking my job when I have already experienced being devalued and overlooked by my society? Being at the bottom, disabled, not financially viable; I have a greater anger for the system that devalues me, rather than the tools they use.

Maybe in past lives I was a peasant and it was the same story; and others may have thought that new development took away from their livelihood, when the truer problem was far larger and more complex.

Ironically as technology has progressed, it tends to drag us with it. It seems unwelcome because we are used to generational paces from ancient times, when our development was slow and steady as much as seasons were distinct. Now there is less to none of our naturalistic paces. Our bodies bear the brunt of that stress, and our minds cling to old genetic patterns rather than open to new developments of thought that could exponentially compliment our creations.

When I have desire I am not alone

Without passion the universe would not exist

My eyes have been rose colored for a long time

Watch the roses exhale

Bright, loud and all at once

An instance; everything unalone

Tremendous wish, I’ll keep you silent

Transmit through time in ultraviolet

The thing I don’t get is how could a bunch of people, the collective consciousness, ever come up with anything as fantastically complex and large as this world and universe.. it could be the other way around, where the One , the all, is dreaming of us, and sometimes we happen to notice it noticing us. Sometimes we feel in control, other times nothing is in our control at all. Most times it feels like the All is so coldly indifferent, mechanical and soulless..

As far as the double slit experiment, the particles are changing when we observe them because of a boundary, an odd breakdown between macro and micro; called decoherence. observing them changes their behavior maybe only just because they are so tiny.. observing large things, is there proof that it changes ? I feel more changed by a mountain because the mountain is ‘observing’ me.

Me observing the mountain doesn’t do much to it. I can’t change anything about it, I can’t claim to be a part of its creation or existence; it’s more likely that I’m a product of its existence (its soil giving life to a fruit I just ate, etc).

I think we can only love people in the ways they allow us to

When we overextend and stretch ourselves.. it's like giving someone more vitamins than they can metabolize

At a certain point the amount and quality becomes irrelevant

It's really up to them

We can only love up to the amount a person allows

And if the reciprocity isn't there it's up to us to find greater love elsewhere

Because there is always greater love

Or different love or the love we actually need ourselves

Because it matches what we can give

This is our lesson

They did love us. But their exposure setting is low. We are brighter, honestly. we loved them more in ways they can't

And idk if it heals them, idk what they do with it

But that's not up to us

Oct 2022

It's taken ALL of me to get to here right now

Touchdesigner continue to make its own creations using ai loop deep brain

Find love and deep peace in the way you were raised and the experiences you had

I'm supposed to find that in myself now. Deep peace that has always been there and wasn't reliant on my parents.

Only they were able to show me a glimpse of it in this world so I can share that it is real. That there can be more happiness.

Choose love

I had other shots I didn't take.

Choose this one to learn to have no fear,

And to learn how to have faith.

Suicide is more disappointing than lost faith,

Bevause even after faith is lost there's still something there and something will happen and

all will not continue in darkness, it's guaranteed. All continues.

All can not continue in darkness unending,

Because all came from darkness. Which means it has an end. It has a beginning. It is both.

If you believe there is nothing after this, then what do you call this life? There was something before you, all life will continue after; and so what you think to be nothing never is nothing.

Nothing is not only our constant companion; nothing is us, nothing is everything.

How can we be sure of anything if we have no idea why we are in existence? We don't know why but what we do know is our own perception. That is the given. The animate. So just as sure as you in your own breath, be sure there is Source.

?be sure that the way you felt love was what was real about it. Know love is real Bevause you have felt it. Do not discard the notion of its reality based outside you.

I’m still trying to reverse a mindset that people wouldn’t care if I left the planet and everything I’ve done is for nothing

Because that has been my experience the recent past and I don’t know much else right now

Give anything and it’s just taken and doesn’t come back

I’m waiting for that not to be true

The majority force upon you that it's not ok to be deeply sad; not normal to be grieving for a dying planet.. not right to take one day at a time, as opposed to having long term plans..

My body is sick from this world, it's hard to cope, it's hard to overcome. I have not adapted and I don't know if I ever will. Maybe that's the point.

——edit

We are all getting a message that it's not ok to be deeply sad; not normal to be grieving for a dying planet.. not right to take one day at a time, as opposed to having long term plans.

My body is never fully attuned..it’s dysfunctional in the same ways cities disrupt nature. Healing attempts are usually more of an adaptation than a return to normalcy.

There is no natural state of being in unnatural places with unnatural rules

May I return my thoughts to you,

As they began with you;

The first light of thought when I wake,

The last before sleep

The long current, the silent canyon

Gold of waning sun. Those days

Somehow still play repeated in a hushed heart, the cold still,

the wings of night that took it all away from me

Again

To again.

Desire and motion brings on pain.

My Heart is tired and still

It continues without premise or thought.

I was loved

I was to be a great many things

Joy and wonder replaced by alarm and bracing

For what's coming.

I can't zoom out far enough

Pot thoughts

Digestion issues are about vulnerability

They aren't flowing not as soft

Hardening to other people and experiences

Let it flow let things be but also explore

Be ok with being vulnerable again

Neck- Bracing for things to not work out

What you think is you are just moments and experiences

This body is not you

Instead of cutting people out entirely, realize I can be with them again and they won't hurt me because I am wiser and will set the new boundaries and lesser expectations. know they are unconscious of the ways they hurt me (and if it was conscious it was still ultimately unconscious)

When in doubt feel heartbeat and know this is love it follows me always it is with me always

Depression and dramas are holding me back from expressing myself in this age in life. I have a limited amount of energy, use it wisely.

My energy is very powerful only in spurts and focused. Distracted energy looks like stagnation.

Everything is play but I can Be discerning about who And what I give my energy to. It will denote the overall mood of my experience.

Breakups pushed me to pretend to be something I thought they wanted but it wasn't what I wanted. I could do power and money and I'll still be unhappy. Do what I want to. Do the beach and van life instead. Value is created internally.

This isn't about power acquisition. The wrong people want that, the wrong people are attracted to it.

I attract the truth with the best energy instead of power, use empathy and insight. I don't need too much personal power, only enough to be comfortable.

Be humbled and know I'm greater ultimately in a community and not by myself.

The difference is It's a freedom. Freedom to oneself and freedom to be myself and create what I want under no one else's agenda but my own. I do what I want! The power instead to wake up every day and decide what I want to do. It's bs that people work for others dreams and not their own. The 9-5 was deafening because I wasn't working for myself. It's not what I wanted to do with my day or time on earth.

Craigslist guy at med job showed up as a catalyst to show that I was mindlessly hustling again and that led me bad places. Hustling mindlessly wastes time on this planet.

At any time ask myself what am I doing . Small patterns contribute to big ones. Set anchor in future and let small habits build towards it.

Tarot

you should remember the joy that your projects brought you in the first place to reclaim your imaginative spirit.

Tell me, friend, how I may love you best. I get confused though I am the sun.

I fuse inside and radiate continuously without thought or method.

You came to me barefoot in the street with your words so that I could forget myself, lose thought entirely, and remember who I am in this moment. You dared disturb my universe. There was no saying no to you, the thought never existed. I had always admired your glowing.

Though I still don't know you well, and the thoughtless sun doesn't belong in this dream. I have to play the role of me, to demand time and payments and suffer loss and do all the things humans do. We live in fear very well. I see the need for escaping, to get away, and you did that very well. Get away from anything that can hurt you in this world. I wish I knew how to do that better sometimes, to avoid my feelings, to stay safe. But how could love be anything hurtful? Full love is devoid of fear; it is only ever light, it is never darkness.

My sadness is human and probably not real. If I were real I would not care about the treatment I receive in this world. I could shine unaffected, always giving. Never needing anything. I couldn't be hurt. I could give and stay untouched. I could be ok alone.

I guess I'm not ok alone, I think I came to earth to not do that anymore.

Maybe it's a path to peace that I can't access. My heart has always wanted to melt fully into someone, to truly experience that. It scares people. I think you have perceived me so differently than how I believe myself to be.

I know love is real because I feel it. And I would like to believe it grows. And that someday I will be able to fully feel what I am.

I am the careless sun. Joyful, brilliant, unaffected by anyone who may feel my open warmth. One, One-way. All ways. Real, indiscriminate. Indefinitely, eternally busy. Immeasurable.

I love you.

I don't believe in sacrifice for the future, there is no future. But I would sacrifice myself to not feel pain anymore, if I could burn away all that I am, to simply just be. To stop identifying so much with my thoughts, to not take my identity and my life so seriously. I really did give up on what is here. I don't belong here. I will continue trying since I won't be here that long anyway. I renounce my strange identification to be a star. Simple elements fusing to make more complex ones, always creating. Always, until the end.

I expected quiet meditation with deep time but it's difficult with people around chattering. It was 20 degrees with wind. There were selfies, puppies, families and a toddler screaming "I wanna go home!". I realize that part of peace is accepting that we can't escape the broken and bent parts of our nature, the ugliness, the pains and imperfections. We don't have to seek a perfect balance, a perfect moment.

This is one of the few places in the world you can see the bare layers down to billions of years. It helps you realize.. we stand on imperceptible eons of planet and starlight's history. We are made out of stars that exploded during the beginning of the universe. We aren't designed to fully understand it all. But at this sacred place you can still feel a small glint of eternity. It's an intuition you can't perceive with any logic.

I want to go home.

I was there, I followed your lead , I was happy to experience who you were at the time

I guess that's it

I understand now how I often act out of anxiety from the past, and for the future; that gray space of uncertainties, time-dissolved happenings and nonexistent horrors.

I choose to believe now that love comes from an endless place.

I can arrive with an open heart, bearing all the riches I can give, in faith that nothing in me will be lost. We exchange in fundamental big-bang energy. If the source currency- love -is eternal, then maybe loss is ever just an illusion.

Facing west, and we are in my bed looking out onto the beach, laughing hysterically at a YouTube video of an elephant riding a motorcycle in gta. It's something I thought no one else found as hilarious, and you're here cracking up with me, like it's a dream that has come that couldn't have imagined. Feeling is returning and I doubt its presence. You've made me laugh harder than I have in a year. The last time was also coincidentally at some video game. Maybe this and the laugh-crying are proof that this life isn't to be taken so seriously; it's a manifest of another dimension that codes us all into our own intricacies. Each one dependent on the other for structure. Because of this I think I believe in signs now. I was given meteorites after prayer; the owls show up in silent frames of night sky; there's a synchrony to events and new harmony to notes. They start singularly and build. And I remember the time I heard a multidimensional orchestra in a dream. I have to remember there is more. There is more. Facing west is like knowing when and where the light ends, and I get to hold onto it for a time; I get to become gold and let it know it is so witnessed. And then my cherished night slows inward and I darken too. Then I'm of silence, or an uproar of celebration, or mystery to be explored. Momentary, but timeless.