stop telling your teenage daughters who say they don’t want kids that they’ll change their mind
reblog the shit outta this
I haven’t been a teenager in over a decade. Mind has yet to change on the subject.
- At 14, I told my guidance counselor that I didn’t want kids. He chuckled, patted me on the back, and informed me that when I got a little older, and I was with a guy, I would change my mind.
- At 16, my grandmother nearly had a heart attack because of her three granddaughters, myself and the youngest agreed we didn’t want to uave babies. Ever.
- At 17, my father asked about my life plan. I told him: graduate high school, get my college degree, do some traveling and writing, go for this particular job I wanted, retired around X age, take month-long vacations to places I wanted to spend time in, etc. He asked, “What about a husband? Children? Normal things a girl is supposed to think about?” My response- a husband if a man came along that could share an adventure with me, kids were a No Go. He assured me I would ‘grow up’ qnd change my mind.
- At 19, I shocked my former babysitter who had known me since I was a toddler, when I confirmed the rumour she’d heard that I didn’t want kids. She patted my mom’s arm and reassured her in a sweet voice that, “Don’t worry, girls say a lot of silly things before they meet the right fella, and wise up. She’ll give you grand babies”
- At 22, I was talking to a college professor who chuckled at my making a comment about how, “thank goodness I’m never going to have to worry about juggling child rearing eith marriage, work, and life”, then she realized I was serious. She asked if I was alright, thinking I could-not (not didn’t-want) kids. I told her the truth, could have but didn’t want to. She was aghast, then told me that I’d change my mind when my husband wanted some kids.
- Well, I’m over 30, still have absolutely no desire to give birth, adopt, raise, or have much of anything to do with children. I don’t hate children, I don’t think people who have them are crazy (more power to you, to create and/or care for another person), and I don’t think it’s impossible to have a life AND have children. I recognized at an early age that I don’t have that biological imperative to procreate, I don’t have the patience to deal with children (something that has shown very little improvement as I’ve gotten older, in fact it might be getting worse), and I don’t feel my life is incomplete without creating another life- I am good with living my own and doing my best to enrich the lives of those I care about (I try my best to be a good friend, to be a good sister, good daughter, good pet-owner, and a good person in general).
So please, please stop telling girls (or really kids at all, but especially girls) that they will change their minds. Please don’t tell them that meeting ‘the right guy’ will make them suddenly feel broody, that their potential future husband’s desire to have children will make her reconsider and see things his way. For one, a couple should have had that conversation and decided if it was a deal breaker, LONG before they got hitched. For another, it’s her body that gets to grow and birth another human being- her husband’s desire to be a father doesn’t supercede her autonomy.
Please, let girls make their own choices? Girls are forced to mature too fast as it is and are bombarded from all sides with SHOULD (you SHOULD be a size 2, you SHOULD wear this dress, you SHOULD have a boyfriend to be a normal teen, you SHOULD always smile), they don’t need another judgement from someone who hasn’t walked a mile in their particular shoes. Respect teenage girls and their ability to look at the world, themselves, their situation, and their future, and make an important choice.
*gets off soap box, slides it back under the sofa, lets out a sigh*
Thanks for attending my TED talk. G'night.
And also? Even if she does change her mind later in life? Why are you disregarding her opinion now because that opinion might change later?
If your daughter says she doesn’t want kids, if you act all condescending and completely ignore her, that isn’t going to make her more likely to have kids! If she gets older and decides she wants kids, she might be hesitant to actually have kids because she doesn’t want to hear I told you so or because the way you disregard her opinions has permanently tainted the idea of having kids.
But if your daughter says she doesn’t want kids and you say “Okay, sounds good,” she’ll know that she has your support for her future and if she later says “Actually, I do want kids,” she’ll know that you’ll be just as happy and supportive, and therefore more willing and more enthusiastic about the prospect of having kids.
Or maybe she’ll still think “No, I don’t want kids,” but now she won’t resent you for not believing her when she voices her opinions.
Yes, opinions can sometimes change. No, that doesn’t give you the right to disregard anyone’s opinion now.
Ah, this issue is quite familiar to me—
Since I was a teenager I had always said I didn’t want children— there was nothing appealing about it to me. Having to constantly supervise another living being does not add into how I want to spend my time and it’s a huge, lifelong commitment that would actively interfere with my goals. I just don’t have that biological urge to procreate.
Yet every time I say I don’t want children, whomever I was talking to— parents, grandparents, relatives, even strangers— all said the exact line stated above:
“You’ll change your mind later.”
Some try to appeal to me by stating “When I was your age, I didn’t want kids either.” Others continue on with the “When you meet the right man” bit.
I’ve been saying I didn’t want kids since I was 12 years old. I’m now 28. I’ve been married for three years. And the idea of having children is even LESS appealing to me than when I was younger— Unfortunately for my husband, who does want kids. That’s a problem for another time though.
What is a problem is how utterly insignificant I feel when people tell me I will change my mind— are my goals not important? Is the lifestyle I want for myself taboo? Is the value of my life marked by the children I will mother? Is there something wrong with me as a woman since I don’t want children?
To an extent, I can understand my parents wanting me to have kids— they want grandchildren, and they want for me the happiness that they felt with having me and my brother and children.
However there seems to be this expectation that, as a woman, I will be a mother and that I will WANT to be a mother. That one day baby-fever will hit and from that moment on I’ll want kids— that my maternal instincts will override my desires to travel, to be a successful artist, to live a quiet yet fulfilling life, and that I will happily put everything on the back-burner to have a child.
I don’t dislike children. I like playing with them and I love hearing people talk about how much they adore their kids. I just never imagined a future for myself that included them, and having people disregard my wishes makes me feel like I’m letting them down by wanting it.
I’m sure it affects many others similarly— the pressure to have children.