I drew the BNHA oc that I've been dreaming about for years instead of working on the stuff I should be doing... shhhhh..... I tried to make her look as close to the style of the anime as possible to make it feel like she really exists in that world~ I'd love to talk about her with you! I'll probably draw little comics about her in the future~ I'd love to have your ocs interact with her in them!
Hello everyone! An update on my Instagram Live for my event month!
I’ll be starting the live this upcoming Saturday (August 14th 2021) at 8:00pm EST!
I’d really appreciate it if you guys would come as me questions~ I haven’t quite decided what I’m going to do yet— maybe I’ll try painting something traditionally? 😅 I haven’t done that in years.
Anywho, I hope you’ll all come keep me company!
You can follow me on Instagram at WorldWide.BT7
Summary: Before they make the decision to love you, they deserve to know (maybe not everything, but most of it)
Tags: discussions of past abuse, themes of abandonment, betrayal, cursing, hurt/comfort, spanking, BDSM scenes, m x m sexual content, threesome, dom/sub undertones, references to alpha/alpha phobia, Dom! Namjoon, Dom! jimin, Sub! Hobi, mentioned domdrop, talk of suicidal thoughts, brief suicidal ideation,
W/c: 10.1k
A/n: this chapter has given me problems editing it and ugh- i think maybe i just got so frustrated making it make sense. this chapter goes about 1/3 angsty discussion, 1/3 spanky spanky, and then 1/3 BIG ANGST. As many of you know my computer recently broke, here is a link to the donation page to help me write more and keep producing fanfiction!
~-~
Part 11: Before I love you *sneak peak*
Namjoon needs to know- needs to know how bad he’s fucked up. If the possibility of you joining his pack is firmly out of reach or if he should still try. Namjoon is good at one thing; and thats learning from his mistakes, this time- he asks you.
“Are you angry?” He doesn’t need to ask if you’re sad- figures by now that’s a given.
It takes you a second to unstick your jaw, the peanut buttery feeling is still there but honestly- you’d feel like shit anyway, no matter if you spoke or not. Your voice is rough, crackly. Something in your throat wounded. If Seokjin heard it he’d instantly make you a cup of tea.
“I would love to say I’m not hurt Namjoon, but the truth is I am.”
“He didn’t mean it- you know he was just frustrated with us- not you.” Yoongi winces, running his hands through the hair on the back of his neck.
“Joonie-“ Yoongi tries to interrupt but you silence him with a look.
“I don’t know if I believe that Namjoon, But thanks for trying. You’re a good pack alpha to them if it makes you feel any better; that’s what I think of you.”
“I could be a good pack alpha to you too.”
“Fuck- Joonie” Yoongi starts, but you turn on your heals, furious eyes filled with angry tears. Stepping toe to toe with him. Namjoon has the good grace to step back, you glare up at him, a foot shorter but miles scarier than the pack alpha in front of you.
“Don’t promise something you can’t give, Namjoon.” You jab your finger at his chest once, your finger bouncing against the hidden muscle there.
“Don’t do what Yoongi did- don’t promise me your heart when it’s not even yours to give anymore.”
》Pairing: Yoongi x Original Character
》Genre(s): [Fluff] [Angst] [Hybrid!AU] [Webtoon]
》Rating: T
》 Warnings: Insane Cuteness, Mentions of Violence
》A/N: Phew! How's everyone doing! I hope you're well! We're coming up on the most anticipated part of the story: the charity gala! Everyone will be dressed like royalty and the climax of the story will be revealed! From this point on, you'll be getting a better understanding about how this Hybrid!Universe works, and not all of it is kind~ We're officially half-way done with "Black or White"!
[SUMMARY] Learning the reality of life as a hybrid brutally has left a certain Tiger Hybrid beaten and bitter. However, as full of cruelty the world can be, it is also full of love, and it is impossible for this broken hybrid to avoid the unique kindness of a bold woman…
》Pairing: Yoongi x Original Character
》Genre(s): [Fluff] [Angst] [Hybrid!AU] [Webtoon]
》Rating: T
》 Warnings: Insane Cuteness, Mentions of Violence
》A/N: Well, this was supposed to go up yesterday, but I had too many images, so I had to improvise LOL It was up on Webtoon on time though~ I found a cropping tool that lets me keep the high-quality of my images for that platform, so that makes my life easier! I recorded the speedpaint for the Milestone Event-- I just have to record the audio for it now and throw it all together. Some big news coming in that video~
[SUMMARY] Learning the reality of life as a hybrid brutally has left a certain Tiger Hybrid beaten and bitter. However, as full of cruelty the world can be, it is also full of love, and it is impossible for this broken hybrid to avoid the unique kindness of a bold woman…
》Genre(s): [Fluff] [Angst] [Hybrid!AU] [Webtoon]
》Rating: T
》 Warnings: Insane Cuteness, Mentions of Violence
》A/N: Well… we can all agree that I suck at updating… The weird thing is, the longer I go without updating, the more guilty I feel, and the more afraid I am to post because I feel like you guys will be mad? Plus I have a thousand other things I’m working on… the other BTS themed project I’m currently working on is called “Yoonji and the Six Wonders.” It’s based off of RUN BTS episode 11 where Yoongi transforms into Yoonji and the six other member try to woo him~ The whole thing is a comedy/crack with slight romance buuuut I think you guys will like it when it comes out! I know I’m always gone, but please remember that I love you guys! Social media just stresses me out like crazy~
[SUMMARY] Learning the reality of life as a hybrid brutally has left a certain Tiger Hybrid beaten and bitter. However, as full of cruelty the world can be, it is also full of love, and it is impossible for this broken hybrid to avoid the unique kindness of a bold woman…
》Genre(s): [Fluff] [Angst] [Hybrid!AU] [Webtoon]
》Rating: T
》 Warnings: Insane Cuteness, Mentions of Violence
》A/N: Hah… hahaha…… haaaaa…. I SWEAR I DIDN’T MEAN TO LEAVE FOR SO LONG. Shit happened and… my joy in life kinda got sucked out of my lungs? I don’t know how to describe it… It was a burn-out, and not at the same time? Ugh… Just a very weird, very stressful time… But, on the bright side, this is the fastest I’ve finished a chapter of the Hybrid!AU series since I was updating “Crinkle” weekly~ I’m rooting for this awkward couple LOL
[SUMMARY] Learning the reality of life as a hybrid brutally has left a certain Tiger Hybrid beaten and bitter. However, as full of cruelty the world can be, it is also full of love, and it is impossible for this broken hybrid to avoid the unique kindness of a bold woman…
》Pairing: Yoongi x Original Character
》Genre(s): [Fluff] [Angst] [Hybrid!AU] [Webtoon]
》Rating: T
》 Warnings: Insane Cuteness, Mentions of Violence
》A/N: ASDFGHJKL– DON’T HATE ME FOR TAKING SO LONG! But it’s up no, so, it’s okay, right??? I have so many projects that I’m working on right now that nothing seems to be getting done but I promise there is SO MUCH upcoming content from me! Not all of it is BTS, but I hope you’ll love it anyway!
[SUMMARY] Learning the reality of life as a hybrid brutally has left a certain Tiger Hybrid beaten and bitter. However, as full of cruelty the world can be, it is also full of love, and it is impossible for this broken hybrid to avoid the unique kindness of a bold woman…
(Will be found on a seperate post because Tumblr is being… well, Tumblr, and telling me my post is too long.)
》Pairing: Yoongi x Original Character
》Genre(s): [Fluff] [Angst] [Hybrid!AU] [Webtoon]
》Rating: T
》 Warnings: Insane Cuteness, Mentions of Violence
》A/N: IT’S BEEN TOO LONG! And honestly I can’t believe I finally got this done… but here it is! Chapter 2 of “Black or White!” Thank you so much for sticking with me guys… I feel like I’ve let you down by making you wait so long for this… I’m not sure when the third chapter will be out, but please enjoy this until then!
[SUMMARY] Learning the reality of life as a hybrid brutally has left a certain Tiger Hybrid beaten and bitter. However, as full of cruelty the world can be, it is also full of love, and it is impossible for this broken hybrid to avoid the unique kindness of a bold woman…
If you’d like to be added, please comment on the official “Black or White” Tag List! I’m sorry if I couldn’t tag you!
》Pairing: Yoongi x Original Character
》Genre(s): [Fluff] [Angst] [Hybrid!AU] [Webtoon]
》Rating: T
》 Warnings: Insane Cuteness, Mentions of Violence
》A/N: So after a WEEK– IT’S UP! Finally got all the tags up! If I was unable to tag you, you’re in the second grouping of usernames. Phew– I didn;t count all of you, but if my calculations are correct there’s definitely over 200 people there! Thank you so much guys! I can’t believe the tag list for this comic is so long for just the first chapter!!
[SUMMARY] Learning the reality of life as a hybrid brutally has left a certain Tiger Hybrid beaten and bitter. However, as full of cruelty the world can be, it is also full of love, and it is impossible for this broken hybrid to avoid the unique kindness of a bold woman…
If you’d like to be added, please comment on the official “Black or White” Tag List!
Hello everyone! So, as some of you may know, I've reached a new milestone here on Tumblr! Yaaay! I wanted to hold an event or do a special project for you all to commemorate it, however, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wanted to do more-- not just for Tumblr, but for those who support me on Instagram and WEBTOON.
Therefore, I have planned quite the little celebration for all you've done for me!
First of all, the event will last the entire month of August 2021. Why August? Well... I need some time to get all my goodies prepared for you, and since I'm also working hard on two webtoons also, I needed a little bit of extra time.
Now, why and entire month? Well, there's honestly just too much to try and squeeze into anything smaller honestly! Shall we take a peek at what's to come?
I'll give you all more information on the giveaway and other events in the coming days, so please look forward to it! Keep your eyes peeled for the merch designs!
Love you all!
One of the goodies to come in August during the milestone event is a Patreon Exclusive NSFW “Black or White” chapter! I’m a little embarrassed to draw it, but a NSFW chapter would fit in really well... it’s kind of and alternative/additional scene to the final chapter?
It’s gonna be steamy and soft at the same time 🤭😏🥵 Look forward to it! 💕
stop telling your teenage daughters who say they don’t want kids that they’ll change their mind
reblog the shit outta this
I haven’t been a teenager in over a decade. Mind has yet to change on the subject.
So please, please stop telling girls (or really kids at all, but especially girls) that they will change their minds. Please don’t tell them that meeting ‘the right guy’ will make them suddenly feel broody, that their potential future husband’s desire to have children will make her reconsider and see things his way. For one, a couple should have had that conversation and decided if it was a deal breaker, LONG before they got hitched. For another, it’s her body that gets to grow and birth another human being- her husband’s desire to be a father doesn’t supercede her autonomy.
Please, let girls make their own choices? Girls are forced to mature too fast as it is and are bombarded from all sides with SHOULD (you SHOULD be a size 2, you SHOULD wear this dress, you SHOULD have a boyfriend to be a normal teen, you SHOULD always smile), they don’t need another judgement from someone who hasn’t walked a mile in their particular shoes. Respect teenage girls and their ability to look at the world, themselves, their situation, and their future, and make an important choice.
*gets off soap box, slides it back under the sofa, lets out a sigh*
Thanks for attending my TED talk. G'night.
And also? Even if she does change her mind later in life? Why are you disregarding her opinion now because that opinion might change later?
If your daughter says she doesn’t want kids, if you act all condescending and completely ignore her, that isn’t going to make her more likely to have kids! If she gets older and decides she wants kids, she might be hesitant to actually have kids because she doesn’t want to hear I told you so or because the way you disregard her opinions has permanently tainted the idea of having kids.
But if your daughter says she doesn’t want kids and you say “Okay, sounds good,” she’ll know that she has your support for her future and if she later says “Actually, I do want kids,” she’ll know that you’ll be just as happy and supportive, and therefore more willing and more enthusiastic about the prospect of having kids.
Or maybe she’ll still think “No, I don’t want kids,” but now she won’t resent you for not believing her when she voices her opinions.
Yes, opinions can sometimes change. No, that doesn’t give you the right to disregard anyone’s opinion now.
Ah, this issue is quite familiar to me—
Since I was a teenager I had always said I didn’t want children— there was nothing appealing about it to me. Having to constantly supervise another living being does not add into how I want to spend my time and it’s a huge, lifelong commitment that would actively interfere with my goals. I just don’t have that biological urge to procreate.
Yet every time I say I don’t want children, whomever I was talking to— parents, grandparents, relatives, even strangers— all said the exact line stated above:
“You’ll change your mind later.”
Some try to appeal to me by stating “When I was your age, I didn’t want kids either.” Others continue on with the “When you meet the right man” bit.
I’ve been saying I didn’t want kids since I was 12 years old. I’m now 28. I’ve been married for three years. And the idea of having children is even LESS appealing to me than when I was younger— Unfortunately for my husband, who does want kids. That’s a problem for another time though.
What is a problem is how utterly insignificant I feel when people tell me I will change my mind— are my goals not important? Is the lifestyle I want for myself taboo? Is the value of my life marked by the children I will mother? Is there something wrong with me as a woman since I don’t want children?
To an extent, I can understand my parents wanting me to have kids— they want grandchildren, and they want for me the happiness that they felt with having me and my brother and children.
However there seems to be this expectation that, as a woman, I will be a mother and that I will WANT to be a mother. That one day baby-fever will hit and from that moment on I’ll want kids— that my maternal instincts will override my desires to travel, to be a successful artist, to live a quiet yet fulfilling life, and that I will happily put everything on the back-burner to have a child.
I don’t dislike children. I like playing with them and I love hearing people talk about how much they adore their kids. I just never imagined a future for myself that included them, and having people disregard my wishes makes me feel like I’m letting them down by wanting it.
I’m sure it affects many others similarly— the pressure to have children.
Chapter one is up everyone! Please let me know what you think of it I hope you’ll show it lots of love and support! 🥰
CHAPTER 2 OF “CASTLES IN THE AIR” IS LIVE!
I hope you guys will read it and let me know what you think! 💜💜💜💜
[MEETING YOU SERIES] Sometimes the world creates the strangest coincidences— on a day where hoods are pulled up and eyes are cast down, your gaze meets a familiar stranger’s. In that fleeting moment, you thought perhaps you were dreaming; it had been no different from any other day…
Illustration for my upcoming Namjoon x Reader fic~ It… ended up being a much longer story than anticipated, so I hope you all will enjoy it when it’s released! You can check out some of my BTS fic recommendations if you’re interested in some good reads~
》Pairing: Namjoon x Reader
》Genre(s): [Fluff] [Reality] [Slow-Burn] [OneShot]
》Words: 13,338
》Rating: T
》 Warnings: Minimal Cursing
》A/N: Ah, my debut fic! I attempted writing fics before, but it never turned out quite right, so I hope that this will be received well~ It… turned out much longer than I originally anticipated… I’d like to say that it’ll be the longest in the [MEETING YOU] series, but I can’t promise anything. I always get carried away! I wanted to start with Joonie because… well, honestly it saddens me at the lack of Namjoon writings… Plus this was based off of a dream I had, and also written for a friend~ There’s lots of meaning for me in this story, so please read it well!
[SUMMARY] Sometimes the world creates the strangest coincidences— on a day where hoods are pulled up and eyes are cast down, your gaze meets a familiar stranger’s. In that fleeting moment, you thought perhaps you were dreaming; it had been no different from any other day…
For the first time since arriving in Seoul, you woke up without the blaring of your alarm. You preferred this— the natural awakening of your body rather than the jarring coercion of loud ringing frightening your senses to alertness. Today, the sun did not shine cheerfully through your window, nor did the birds chirp their happy songs through the air. No, today there was the gentle patter of rain against the glass at the foot of your bed, more than likely what had woken you up from your slumber.
You loved the rain normally— it was calming and it made the rest of the world smell sweet if only for a moment. But as you sat up, pushing your comforter from your body, you are painfully aware that you do not have a vehicle, and therefore must walk to work in the chilling rain. With a sigh, you tenderly step onto your bitter floor, jumping a bit at the feeling of it against your warm feet. You only pause for a moment though before you’re up and preparing for your day.
You had gotten your license to teach English overseas six months ago and we’re happy to accept a job in the heart of South Korea in Seoul. It had been your top choice after all, you most certainly weren’t going to turn it down. You had been living here for a little under a month now and w still in the process of adapting to life here.
At first, it was difficult— between jet lag and homesickness it had been rough getting settled. But when you began your job two weeks ago it had gotten a bit easier. You were able to connect with some of your coworkers, a few of them being from America or Canada. You were still not all that proficient at speaking Korean, so talking to your Korean coworkers was a struggle; plus you were still relatively new, so you figured they weren’t quite sure what to do with you yet.
So, you mostly kept to yourself, regarding your coworkers with respect when you passed them in the halls and promising ‘next time’ when you were invited out for drinks after work. You knew you should probably accept, make friends and all that, but you were still getting used to your new routine and couldn’t quite seem to shake the exhaustion that slipped over you at the end of every day.
Today seemed like an exception though, as you cheerily tugged your pants on, mouthing the words to “COFFEE” by BTS as it played in the background through your stereo system. You have always been a fan. Since 2014? Maybe even since their debut, you couldn’t be sure. You’ve loved them for as long as your memory would allow, and they were a large reason as to why you wanted to teach English in Seoul— not because you expected to meet them necessarily; but because they had introduced you to such a beautiful language and culture that you would have otherwise written off.
The Korean language was truly beautiful, you couldn’t deny. And their culture was so similar yet so different for that of the U.S. that it had intrigued you the moment you became exposed. You wanted to be a part of it— the culture. You wanted to know the language that so enraptured you. It was a struggle, yes, but you were willing to put forth the effort for the culture you had become so ensnared with. The sacrifice was easy.
Your playlist continued with features such as Zico, GOT7, and BIGBANG gracing your ears, but you had an aching for Bangtan this day, and you found yourself skipping any other artist to listen to their genius, moving to their beats and symphonies like it was your oxygen. You couldn’t explain it, the effect their music had on you. But it made you feel… at peace. Like no matter what else happened around you, this world you had created between BTS and yourself would always be there, waiting for you should things in reality get too much to bear. You loved it, this sanctuary.
You slipped on the matching blazer to your ensemble and hastily made your way to the kitchen to prepare breakfast— a simple berry smoothie with some toast. Simple it may be, but you were thankful to have just that. Money had been tight since moving to Seoul and, as much as you knew it would happen ahead of time, it was impacting the groceries you were able to buy. Rice, frozen fruits, and veggies were your accumulative diet for the last month. You couldn’t complain though— you were in Seoul. There wasn’t much more you could ask for if you were being honest.
After drinking your smoothie and scarfing down your piece of buttered toast you popped in your headphones to begin your commute to the school you worked at, not daring to step foot outside on your long trek without music. On a rainy day such as this, you chose your mellow playlist— consisting of songs such as “House of Cards” by BTS, “Body” by Mino, and “I” by Taeyeon. You had just recently added the entire “mono” playlist by RM, and it was the perfect music for a day such as this. You found yourself putting “forever rain” on repeat as you made your way down the path next to the Han River.
It wasn’t a bad way to get to work, you mused— seeing as you could’ve been forced to take a crowded bus through the city to get to your destination. Walking next to the river was cleansing as you made your way to the strenuous environment of your job. You were able to prepare your mind and soul before walking into what you knew was a class of young adults that really were not interested in you whatsoever.
The rain was light enough that you didn’t feel the need to bring an umbrella, but you still pulled the hood of your jacket over your head to try to salvage what little you did to your hair. You still kept your head up, peering at the uninhabited paths before you. Perhaps it was American confidence that kept your head high— you’ve noticed that it was customary to keep one’s gaze to the ground when walking in public here in Korea. There were some habits you just couldn’t shake.
The sound of the rain was just enough to drown out the sounds of the city, leaving you with only your music and the static noise of the rainfall. As wet as you were, you were at peace, happily making your way down the path next to the river, glancing at said body of water every once in a while, to soak in the sight of it swollen and angry against its banks.
After one particularly long stare you shifted your gaze back to the path before you, catching movement from your peripheral. Another figure stalked casually in front of you, hands in his pockets and sweatshirt hood pulled over a baseball cap. You could faintly see dark hair sticking out from beneath the cap, but there were no other distinguishing features visible from your viewpoint, as he also had a mask covering the bottom half of his face.
He was tall, you noticed— a full head taller than you at the very least, and a bit taller than you expected the average Korean man to be. He had a certain presence about him, as if he were born to stand out as he desperately tried to disappear into his surroundings. It was strange, you thought; why you would be so focused on a man dressed so plainly.
As you got closer you began to notice the shape of his face, round but narrow at the same time— clearly someone thin with a larger frame. His damp sweatpants clung to the swell of his thighs, displaying that he was fit and toned with lean muscle mass. You quickly pulled your eyes back to his covered face, not wanting to linger too long on his built lower half.
Now only feet away, you could see past the bill of his hat where the bridge of his nose laid, still mostly covered by the face mask he wore, but still more features than you were previously able to view, and you suddenly found yourself wishing to make eye contact with him, if only to nod in awareness at his presence instead of simply awkwardly passing each other as if you were former friends who were no longer on speaking terms. With this in mind, you continued to keep your gaze locked on the skin visible between his hat and his mask, hoping he’ll pick his head up in time for you to acknowledge him.
As if hearing your thoughts, before the last moment of passing you he looked up, eyes locking with yours and you stared meaningfully at his eyes. There was something… oddly familiar about them. Something you couldn’t quite place. Was he a student of yours? A coworker? You know you’ve seen those eyes somewhere before… but where? You scanned the rest of his face in urgency, trying to find the clue that pieced the puzzle together in your memory. And at the slight raise of his eyebrows you found it— you did know those eyes. You had seen them many times, but never in person, never right before you.
Your heart rate picked up in realization, and you’re sure your face showed it too as you watched his eyes widen a fraction more. He knew that you realized who he was, and he seemed… uncomfortable with that idea. Luckily for him, you weren’t one to gush or make a scene— even when it came to one of the biggest celebrities in the world. And as you tried to calm your raging heart, you nodded towards him, acknowledging his presence, and giving a silent promise to not reveal his identity, even though there were no other eyes to witness him strolling about.
The two of you never broke eye contact, and with only a moment of delay to ponder your gesture, he too was nodding back, a silent thank you for keeping his identity clandestine.
This moment between you two lasted mere seconds, but an eternity etched into your memory. It was almost like a dream— who, really, could say that they came into contact with one of their favorite artists of all time and had an intimate, wordless conversation with them? It was too good to be true. You had to have been mistaken. It couldn’t have been him… but you knew those eyes… those legs… that walk… that aura. Everything about him was exactly how you’d expected it to be when you imagined what it would be like to see him in person as you watched him on a screen. And the look of slight panic on his slightly exposed face when you assumed it was him was almost more than enough confirmation… No, no… you couldn’t assume. But… what if it really had been him…
Had you really just walked by Kim Namjoon?
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
You arrived at work with a mystified look on your face, walking to your desk with seemingly no purpose. Your coworkers watched you curiously, as it was the first time you had arrived with an unfocused glaze in your eyes. You tried to make a point to be focused on your tasks immediately as you walked through the doors of the school building, but today you couldn’t think much about school. You had a certain member of Bangtan on the brain.
Your coworker, and probably the person you considered your closest friend in Korea, Erin, approached you with caution. “Y/N…” she began, “…you, uh, you feelin’ alright?” She questioned with true concern. You blinked and looked up at her, broken out of your own world.
“Huh?” Was your only reply. She quirked an eyebrow at you.
“You good? You didn’t even say hi when you walked in…” she stuck her thumb over her shoulder, gesturing towards the door. Your eyes flickered to the doorway before resting on her gaze once more. You blinked a few more times before replying,
“Oh, uh, yeah…” you stated unconvincingly, awkwardly looking back at the bag you brought with you as you began pulling out binders and notebooks. “I thought I saw…” you paused again, rethinking your next statement. The reason Erin and you had become such good friends was because you had seen her Hoseok phone case and asked her about her love for BTS. You bonded immediately through the group and she became the easiest person for you to talk to, however she was quite passionate about the Kpop scene. If you told her you thought you saw Namjoon…. “Never mind. It’s nothing; I’m just being an air-head today.” You laughed, tossing your bag beneath your desk.
She continued to stare at you for a moment before shrugging and plopping down at her desk next to you. “Alright… but if you need to talk to someone, you can always come to me, you know that right?” She picked up a mug from her desk and took a sip of what you could only assume to be coffee. You smiled at her— she had a very forward personality, but she had s kind soul, and for that you were thankful. Without her, you would probably never have found a semblance of ‘home.’
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
The rest of your work week had gone by without incident, but you found yourself constantly dwelling on the “what if’s” of your encounter a few days before. Now it was Friday, and as you walked to work, as you had every other day this week, you wondered if you would run into the mysterious figure in the baseball cap and face mask. You hoped to get a better look at him this time if by chance you did, but you knew that there were slim odds of encountering him a second time if he were who you thought him to be. If it had been, with his busy schedule, it was probably a rare moment in time where he hadn’t been required to go to the studio. Still, you hoped for it— to be the only one who walked past him knowing his identity, keeping that secret safe within the confines of your heart— you couldn’t have written a better fan-fiction yourself. Just the thought of it made your heart flutter.
Ah… but… perhaps you were getting ahead of yourself. It wasn’t as if you were completely sure it was him in the first place, and you couldn’t forget that you hadn’t actually spoken to him— as much as your silent conversation had left an impact on you, he had probably forgotten all about you at this point.
You tried to shake the ridiculous swell of hope rising in your chest, walking forward with purpose as you reviewed the lesson plan you had created for the day in your head.
There were many other people present on the path next to the Han River this morning; the sun had finally broken and dried the puddles of the rain storm from the other day. Joggers, cyclists, and other commuters passed you now and then, never making eye contact with you as he had that day. Perhaps it had been an oddity, since it had only been the two of you on the path that day. Or, perhaps, it really had been a dream. It had happened so fast, you only remembered the moment of your eyes meeting with precise accuracy, as you would when waking from a dream. The rest had become a blur in your mind, no matter how hard you concentrated on the details.
You found yourself lost in thought as you unknowingly caught up with a figure that had been walking in front of you. It wasn’t until you were nearly right on top of him that you realized there was another presence there. You jolted out of your trance just in time to about flat-tiring the poor man, but not with enough grace that you didn’t manage to trip over your own feet.
“Shit—” you cursed under your breath, reaching out to grasp something to center you once more. Unfortunately for the individual in front of you, he was the only thing around to brace yourself on, and your small hand fisted into the back of his sweatshirt, tugging it down a bit. You could feel him freeze immediately, and for a moment, only for a moment, you were thankful he didn’t keep walking. And then you were nearly too embarrassed to speak. You released him once you had your bearings and began stuttering like a fool.
“S-s-sorry! Ah! No— uh—" your brain scrambled to remember the Korean word for ‘I’m Sorry’ as he turned to look at you. Just as you were able to peer at his face you blurted out what you hoped to be the right phrase. “미안해…요…” you trailed off as you saw that familiar stranger’s eyes, looking at you, wider than before, and your voice caught in your throat in panic. Only one thought coursed through your otherwise blank mind: ‘Oh dear God…’
You’d done it this time— your absent-mindedness had just caused you to embarrass yourself on an unimaginable scale; you had just grabbed the back of, who you believed to be, Kim Namjoon. Fear freezing you at the imminent doom you currently faced, your heart felt as if it were going to burst within your chest and your stomach twisted uncomfortably. Why fate would be so cruel to you was beyond your understanding and you suddenly had an overwhelming need to flee as his gaze burned down on you, not in anger, but in a similar look of awe. Legs tense and shaking, you manage, somehow, to take a step back away from the figure, somewhere in your mind realizing that remaining any longer in this awkward state would subsequently cause a scene and you didn’t want to draw attention to the idol who simply only wanted to blend in at this moment.
You straightened yourself, trying to look relaxed (and surely failing), before giving a slight bow, murmuring another ‘sorry,’ before taking a step around him to continue on your way. His gazed followed you as you passed him slowly, eyes trained on your heated, red face— a furious blush that you were certain had moved over your ears and down your neck. You dared a peek up to make eye contact with him again, nodding as you had the other day. He blinked as if the small gesture had broken a spell before nodding back, then quickly turning on his heel and pulling his cap further over his face, walking in the opposite direction he had been going before you had nearly run into him.
It was a chilly day, yet you found yourself sweating profusely, and even as you left the path that paralleled the Han River to cross the street leading into the city, you couldn’t calm your raging heard that hammered almost painfully behind your ribs. You could hear the blood rushing through your ears— had that really just happened? And why were you reacting like this when you weren’t even completely sure that it was the RM that you saw twice now? As much as your brain tried to reason with you, your heart betrayed all logic; somewhere in your soul you were painfully aware of those eyes. Eyes that you knew well, despite never bearing witness to them in real life.
Being a fan of BTS, it seemed, was never a casual affair. Their intense presence on the internet made them impossible to avoid, and, soon into your rise as an ARMY, every time you logged onto any sort of social media you were (pleasantly) bombarded with their faces. As an international fan originally, you were used to only being graced by them through screens— a sad reality that all international fans were forced to live at some point in time. But you were glad to appreciate them in whatever method you were provided, even if it meant never seeing them in person.
As a result, you had become overly familiar with their faces, but as it was the general downfall for most of the fandom, you weren’t exceedingly embarrassed. You had never expected to meet them anyway, so there had never been any harm intended. You had no delusions about someday falling in love and dating the world-wide idols, and, as nice as it was to daydream of an impossible scenario such as that, you did not pine after them with romantic affections— they were your idol group to love and support with respect. Plain and simple.
Still, the sudden meeting of the leader of your beloved group had your heart racing in a way that you could not have prepared for, and you wondered if somewhere along the lines your love for them had become deeper than you could have ever imagined. You cursed at your over-emotional tendencies as you forced your feet to move faster towards your destination.
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Erin was yet again staring at you with interest. You had walked into work frazzled-looking; your cheeks painted in pink, breath coming out in small gasps, and a distant look in your eyes that screamed distress, but in what way your friend could not tell. The rest of your coworkers were oblivious to our state until you slumped down against your desk, hands on your head and foot tapping relentlessly as your eyes remained unfocused. Unable to continue watching you, Erin rolled over to you in her office chair and raised an eyebrow.
“Alright, what’s up?” She said, leaning her elbow against the arm of the chair and perching her chin in her hand. “This is the second time this week you’ve wandered in looking freaked out, what’s going on? It’s like you saw a ghost.” You internally laughed at the comment— it felt like you had seen a ghost. There was no rational explanation for either meeting you had with the man currently consuming your thoughts. You sighed and leaned back in your seat, hands falling to your lap.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you…” Not that you were particularly willing to let slip that you had run into Kim Namjoon twice yet; you felt like you should keep his secret walks along the Han River to yourself for the time being. You still weren’t one-hundred percent sure it was him for one, and on the other hand if it really was him, you would feel responsible if he were to get swarmed by fans while he was trying to relax should you tell anyone.
At your response, Erin merely shrugged and began scooching back over to her own desk. “If you say so. But if it starts getting worse, tell me, alright? You’re starting to freak me out…” She mumbled, beginning to type on her computer once more. You gave another heavy sigh, before turning your computer on as well to begin working. As you began reviewing your lesson plan for the day, you felt the corners of your lips begin to turn up.
As stressed out about your encounter this morning as you were, you were also irrepressibly ecstatic. And this underlying happiness had your heart beating in a different, more pleasant way. How many fans could say that they’ve met their idol casually on the streets not once, but twice? What’s more, you felt incredibly fortunate to have been aware that it was, in fact, an intimate moment in his life. A moment where he was no longer RM of BTS, but just Kim Namjoon, walking alongside the Han River in Seoul with his thoughts. How often does he get the opportunity to do that, you wondered? He was always in the public eye— always the leader, the speaker, the face of the most well-known Korean boy group in the world. How many rare few moments in his musical career has he gotten to be “Kim Namjoon,” and you had witnessed two of them. You felt entirely blessed for those moments.
You realized that you had a sort of obligation to keep those moments to yourself now. Who were you to ruin the time Namjoon had to just be Namjoon? You glanced at Erin thoughtfully. She’d be pissed for sure if she ever found out you kept this from her, and you would be punished for it in one form or another (she’d most likely begin by screaming animatedly at you and hitting your arm repeatedly to get her point across before making you buy her dinner). You shrugged defeatedly, accepting this fate should she ever find out. You wanted these secret moments to stay secrets for a while longer.
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You had spent the entire day on Saturday writing lesson plans for the upcoming school week cooped up in your apartment. Erin had tried to convince you to go out and get drinks with her and your other coworkers, but you still weren’t feeling particularly social yet and resigned to staying in that night and mindlessly watching some drama with a takeout dinner. Thankfully you had been able to figure out how to set up English captions on your television, even if they weren’t entirely the most accurate. Not that you were truly paying attention— You really only wanted background noise to your constant daydreaming of the peculiar instances where you found yourself face-to-face with someone you only ever dreamed of seeing in person. You went to bed that night feeling excited for the upcoming week, hoping that you would have another opportunity to see the masked man with the intense, familiar eyes.
Your Sunday morning was the same as all the others that you had spent in Korea. Coffee before nibbling on a slightly fancier breakfast of yogurt, fruit, and granola, then some light exercise in the comfort of your own living room. Gyms in Korea were outrageously expensive for your tight budget, so even if you would have liked to go, you simply could not afford it. After stretching you got dressed and prepared yourself for a quick trip to the grocery store to buy essentials that you had run out of over the course of the week, which meant another walk along the Han River. You had never been so excited to buy groceries in your life.
You grabbed your empty backpack and keys and skipped out the door, more pep in your step than you’ve had in months. You knew being hopeful would probably leave you disappointed in the end, but you couldn’t help it. You wanted to see him again, even if you would only simply nod in his direction as you had the first encounter the two of you had. Rationally, you tried to calm yourself,
‘Don’t get too excited; you may not see him ever again,’ you reasoned, ‘there’s no excuse to get upset if you don’t see him.’ Still, you knew you’d be disappointed.
The trip to the store was without incident as you walked along the river glancing about at the faces that surrounded you, looking for those familiar eyes among them. They hadn’t been there of course, as you guessed, and you lost a bit of your vigor on your way home. You had bought simple things like vegetables, apples, coffee, ramyeon, and a small jar of peanut butter, all of which you put in your backpack save the apples. It was getting close to lunch time and you weren’t sure if you’d be able to make it back to your apartment.
Thus far on your way home, you haven’t had much better luck finding those eyes. Thankfully, your hunger was a small distraction from the disappointment swelling in your chest. You knew better than to expect things, but who wouldn’t become hopeful when a wistful encounter turned into something seemingly more than just chance? You sighed and opened the plastic bag holding your apples, digging through it to find a piece of fruit that seemed appealing to you at that moment. As you pulled one out, your clumsiness got the better of you as you nearly dropped it.
“Shit—” You say as you fumble with your damned lunch, barely saving it before it becomes a bruised mess on the ground. You grumbled under your breath as you lift it to your mouth to take a large bite, and as you do so, you happen to flick your eyes over to a figure sitting on a bench on the side of the road. And you’re met with those eyes again. You pause mid-bite to openly stare, realizing he had just seen you struggling with a piece of fruit. He stared back at you with recognition clear in his eyes and a hint of… amusement? You look away, taking in the large mouthful of apple with a bit of struggle and chew quickly before swallowing. Once you’re no longer impaired with apple in your face, you look over again, pink faced and awkward as you adjust the plastic bag in your hands. He has yet to take his eyes off of you and you feel as if your body is on fire.
This time, you offer him a small smile along with your typical nod, which is all you expect in return. The response you get, however, takes you by surprise. You had already started walking again when he quickly ripped his gaze from yours to look at the surroundings and you were just about to look away as well, figuring he was done with you. But at the last moment, he locked eyes with you again and slyly slipped the mask down his face, stopping your heart for more than a beat. He was more breathtaking in person than you could’ve ever imagined, and the small smile that graced his plush lips in response to the one you sent him was almost too much to handle, his dimples becoming visible from the action. The fangirl within you squealed in delight as it was finally confirmed that you had, in fact, been running into the RM, but you did your best to stay composed on the outside. You couldn’t, however, stop the gleam in your eyes and your smile spreading brightly across your face even more.
The corners of his lips twitched up a bit more at your expression and he gave you a nod as well before pulling the mask back up to cover his face once more, shoving his hands in his pockets and standing from the bench. You almost froze in your spot at the movement, but when he turned to walk in the opposite direction as you, you let out a breath you didn’t know you had been holding. Your pace had slowed a bit in the shock of it all, and you could feel your face burning from the smile that was carved into it.
It was him— and he had willingly given you his identity in the open. And that smile! You never knew smiles could be like that! And it was a smile you never thought you’d get to see. You couldn’t stop the excitement running through your veins at the recollection of his face— his dimples, his pink lips turned up into a smile, the perfect bridge of his nose… you repeated it over and over again in your mind, inscribing it into your memory forever. It was the most innocent, yet intimate moment you had ever experienced. It almost felt like he trusted you in some tiny way, and you felt blessed by this small thought.
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Your Monday had flown by in a blur of excitement, the events of the previous day keeping you on cloud nine for a full thirty-six hours. Erin was disturbed to say the least— you had looked like you were on the verge of a breakdown just the previous Friday, and now on Monday you seem to be a completely new you, filled with energy and spunk that the other woman had yet to see from you. She eyes you suspiciously the entire day, asking you what had made you so chipper on such a gloomy day such as Monday.
You wanted to tell her, you really did, but a larger part of you wanted it to stay unknown. This was a moment that you had shared with Namjoon, a moment that no one else needed to be privy to. And you were perfectly content with that, the memory becoming like your own happy pill to give you energy when you felt you were lacking.
It was the end of your workday now, and Erin still refused to let up on your blissful state, saying it was unnaturally cheerful.
“Seriously Y/N,” she pressed, “what the hell happened? Your mood swings are seriously freaking me out!” The two of you were back at your desks in the teachers’ office space, shutting down your computers and packing your things. You looked over at her and rolled your eyes, chuckling at her dramatics.
“It’s really nothing, Erin.” You told her, repeating what you had been telling her the entire day. She was a persistent one, that was for sure. But you were stubborn enough to withstand it. She let out a groan and threw her head back, crossing her arms and looking thoughtfully at the ceiling. You had just about tuned her out when she let out a loud gasp, making you jump. You turned to her to see her staring at you with wide eyes. “What?!” you asked in exasperation.
“You met someone!” She exclaimed, and you froze. Quickly, you realized she meant someone as in a ‘romantic interest’ and not the leader of world-wide idol group BTS, so you let out a sigh that turned into a relieved laugh.
“No, Erin, I didn’t meet anyone.” You shook your head and slung your backpack over your shoulder. She eyed you with a crinkle in her nose, seemingly not believing you.
“Well somethings going on with you…” she muttered, gathering her things as well. “I’ll figure it out eventually.” You laughed again as the two of you made your way out of the building. You parted ways when you turned to the sidewalk that would take you to the pathway parallel to the Han river. You said goodbye, Erin promising to figure out your secret as you wandered off with a wide smile on your face. She seemed adamant, but there was no way she could guess what actually happened. You fell asleep that night as happy as when you woke up.
The next morning, you woke to the familiar sound of rain against your window. Gradually coming out of the grogginess of sleep, you slowly smiled, remembering what had happened the last time it rained. The grey skies seemed more welcoming than they ever had before, and the rain seemed to call you out from beneath your blankets as you sprung out of bed. You threw on your favorite playlist and began to get ready for the day, singing and dancing about your apartment, not even pausing when you needed to brush your teeth. You were a ball of wonder that could not be contained, and, honestly, you couldn’t remember ever feeling this happy before in your life. And it was all because of a small smile, from a familiar stranger.
You made your way out of your apartment, still bopping to the music playing through your headphones as you made your way outside. If it wasn’t for the face that you were on your way to work and needed to keep up a professional appearance you wouldn’t have even put your hood up this time, finding it a perfectly pleasant idea to feel the rain on your face. You stepped onto the path leading you to work down the Han River and you found yourself alone on the path as you had the previous week when it was raining. Seeing this, you had little reserve when it came to humming and skipping along to the songs that played, randomly singing out the lines that you knew in English and Korean alike.
So lost in your own world, you didn’t notice that someone had come up beside you, keeping pace with your chipper steps. When you did notice though, you nearly jumped out of your skin, releasing a squeal and flailing your arms a bit in surprise. Your head whipped around and you stared wide-eyed at the man next to you, knowing immediately who it was from attire alone. You halted in your tracks, still in awe at what was happening, and after a few steps, he slowed and looked back at you, clearly amused at your antics. He continued walking, but raised an eyebrow at you, as if asking you if you were going to continue on as well. You quickly follow, wordlessly following him until you were in-step with him again. You both broke your gazes, him looking forward while you took to looking at your feet. It was silent for a moment, and you turned down the volume on your headphones so you could hear his footsteps falling next to you.
Again, your heart picked up a wild pace, violently aware of his close proximity and the fact that he was voluntarily walking beside you. You tried to walk naturally, but you found yourself having difficulty remembering how to breathe properly, let alone how you normally walk. What was happening right now? Were the two of you really walking side by side like… like friends? Your brain began getting fuzzy, but your trance was quickly broken by the sound of his deep voice—
“You recognized me right away, didn’t you?” –speaking perfect English nonetheless. You suppressed the urge to choke in response to hearing him speak, and simply snapped your head around to look at him with eyes the size to saucers. Your breath hitched as you tried to formulate a response when he spoke again, “Thanks for not… uh…” he waved his hands around a bit as if trying to describe an action as he thought of a particular word. Realization lit up his eyes as he continued. “…freaking out.” He finished, looking down at your shocked face. You saw the cloth of the face mask shift a bit and you assumed that he was smiling. You swallowed your nerves best you could to try and answer him because— dear God— Kim Namjoon was trying to have a conversation with you and you’ll be damned if the best you could do was stare at him like a deer in headlights!
“Uh, y-yeah, I mean, n-no problem.” You squeaked out with some success while managing to slide a smile onto your lips. Was it just you, or was the rain suddenly boiling hot? Like really, really hot? He gave you a small nod before releasing you from his gaze and you let out a shaky breath as you looked at the path in front of you again, trying to get your heart to beat regularly again. He gave you no opportunity to recover, however.
“So…” He started again, hesitating a bit. You looked back up at him; he wanted to talk with you more? “…you know me…” He said, as if it wasn’t an obvious fact already at this point. “…can I…” He hesitated again, looking at you briefly before shyly turning away. “…know… you…?” Holy shit— what kind of magical alternate universe was this? You blinked at him, catching onto the timid tone of his voice, as if he was uncertain of his wording or the question itself or possibly both. Either way, your face immediately flushed red. Kim Namjoon was… bashful? You couldn’t comprehend how absolutely endearing that was and it took you a little longer than you would have liked to formulate a response. You felt the energy around him tense in nervousness and you realized that you had just been staring at him silently. You responded in panic—
“I’m Y/N!” You said quickly, and you watched his shoulders relax a bit at the sound of your voice. You swallowed again, not knowing what else to say, but determined to make him feel at ease with you. And that’s when the word-vomit began; “I-I’m sorry for being so awkward. It’s just that I’m— and you’re— and— y-yeah…” You wanted to smack yourself in the face for not being able to form a proper sentence. “I j-just… never thought that… uh…” You were suddenly nauseous as you felt the embarrassment rise into your throat. ‘Shit.’ Your mouth was abruptly dry and you babbling making you cringe visibly. “I-I just w-want you to b-be comfortable…” You said in a voice barely above a whisper. You glanced back up at him to see him looking at you with a quirked eyebrow.
“Comfortable?” He repeated— not in a ‘what does this word mean’ kind of way, but in a ‘what do you mean’ kind of tone. You bit your lip in contemplation, still not fully believing that you were having an actual conversation with Kim-motherfluffing-Namjoon.
“I-I didn’t— don’t— want you to feel like you can’t come back here,” you gestured to the river with you hand, “just because I know who you are…” You chewed on your lower lip some more, feeling his gaze on you still. “J-just because you’re… well… you’re human too… so, you don’t have to worry about me.” You finally get out in spite of your scrambled thoughts. None of what you have said to him has been a proper sentence, and you’re not even speaking Korean— you’re speaking English, your native language, which you’ve been speaking your entire life. How is this single man able to erase your brain by simply walking next to you? “I won’t tell anyone you walk here.” Finally, a complete sentence. You let out a breath and smile at him.
He blinks at you before he looks forward once more, also letting out a breathy sound that resembles a relieved laugh, the cloth of his mask crinkling again as if he were smiling. He fidgets with the bill of his cap as he cutely watches his feet and you feel your heart swell at the sight. You can’t stop your smile from growing into a wider, more relaxed state as you let out a light giggle. You knew he could be cute, but for him to be abashed like this in front of you… was he trying to get you to fall in love with him?
Before you knew it, you were where you needed to veer off towards the city, and you regarded the sidewalk with utter disappointment. You looked over at him, still surprised that he had walked with you all the way here. Lightly clearing your throat to get his attention, you pointed at the sidewalk as the two of you approached it.
“Ah… t-this is me— I-I mean this is the way I need to go.” You internally groaned at yourself; why couldn’t you stop stuttering? You watched as he eyed the adjacent sidewalk in front of you and then returned his gaze back to you, only to nod a bit, stuffing his hands into his pockets. You nodded back with an unsure smile, trying to find a way to will yourself away from the beautiful man that just walked with you all the way through the part of your commute next to the Han River. Your resolve to go to work was wilting quickly. “I-I…” You shifted to face him completely, getting a good look at his frame for the first time since he walked up beside you. You smiled warmly, “I’m really happy that I got to talk to you.” And you genuinely were. This small conversation that you had with him was more than you could’ve ever asked for. He let you see a bit of himself that is saved for his life outside the cameras and the lights and the cheering fans. And for him to give you that… it was a feeling indescribable. You gave him the slightest bow to show your appreciation, one last smile, and then turned around to begin the rest of your commute to work.
But with your back turned, you had been unable to see him nervously shifting on his feet and rolling his shoulders. He messed with the cap under the hood of his wet sweatshirt again, clearing his throat before quickly speaking.
“Uh—!” He started, loud enough to catch your attention as you whipped around at the sound. He stood a few feet away, looking rather uncomfortable with one hand in his pocket and the other rubbing his neck in a nervous fashion. He looked at the ground for a few seconds, “Can we… can I…” he cleared his throat again, then finally looking at you, those familiar eyes boring straight into your heart. “…can we… walk… together again…?” He sounded so uncertain, so nervous, so small, that your heart nearly burst. Did he realize what he was doing to you? From the looks of it, he clearly didn’t; he seemed just as anxious as you were. Your face picked up color again as you blinked, coming out of the trance he put you in. And you couldn’t help the smile that broke out across your face.
“Yes! Ah—” You shifted a bit in embarrassment from your outburst, glancing down at your feet before looking at him with a softer, yet no less bright, smile. “I-I’d like that.” A silence fell between you, but it was far from uncomfortable as you watched his eyes crinkle up and his mask crease from a wide smile that you knew was gracing his full lips. Again, your heart fluttered and your smile turned into a full grin that you ultimately failed to contain. You were even more unwilling to go to work now, but you knew if you didn’t then you’d end up standing in front of this perfect man grinning like a complete fool. So, against everything screaming for you to stay with him, you gave him a friendly wave, which he curtly returned, before turning and nearly bouncing away in happiness.
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When the next two days passed and your new— friend?, acquaintance?— was nowhere to be found, ‘disappointed’ was nowhere near a big enough word to describe how you felt. Not that you were expecting to see him every day, but your hopes had soared to a new altitude and was now impossible to keep in check. Kim Namjoon, the Kim Namjoon, wanted to walk with you. Although you were still uncertain as to what that included— would you also be talking? Getting to know each other? Or did he really just mean walking next to each other when you made your way to work? One thing that worked in your favor with not seeing him the last couple days was that you now had an opportunity to mentally prepare yourself for whatever these future meetings between the two of you would offer. You played scenarios in your head, acted them out in the mirror, and practiced ‘normal’ things to say to him.
You didn’t want to treat him like a celebrity— that first time the two of you spoke had caught you completely off-guard and you were a little dissatisfied in yourself. You didn’t want to play yourself as a fan talking to their idol, you wanted to be able to talk to him as just a regular person that you met along the Han River. Yes, a regular, beautiful man that made your heart want to leap from your breast. Totally normal.
And suddenly it was Friday again, and your morning routine was mundane as usual. You ate your plain breakfast, dressed in your plain work-clothes, and walked out of your plain apartment to see the usual plain road you take next to the river every day. And there, sitting on a plain bench was a not-so-plain man, dressed in jeans, a high-neck sweater, and an un-zipped hoodie while donning his usual face-mask and baseball cap. You inwardly swooned, seeing him sitting there staring out at the water.
You slowly approached, but were unsure as to what was expected of you. Do you walk right up to him? Or do you acknowledge him as you pass and let him catch up? Oh God, you didn’t prepare for this part of it! Why was something so simple so complicated in your head?! As you were caught up in your thoughts, your eyes locked on to the figure on the bench, he by chance glanced up, catching your gaze in the deep of his eyes, which were much less a stranger’s now.
At your advance, he stood from his seat on the bench to wait for you. Your face flushed in response and you sent him a smile, feeling more and more nervous the closer you got. He really was something else; he wasn’t dressed in an eye-catching fashion, or standing in an attention-grabbing way, but the space around his form had a pull about it, as if everything around him gravitated towards his being, including you. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from his, even as you strode up beside him and paused, smiling shyly. He smiled beneath his mask as well,
“Hey,” he said, his deep voice sending electricity through you and throwing your heart into overdrive. You gave a small giggle— and God you couldn’t believe you giggled in front of this man— as you shifted slightly trying to regain your composure.
“Hey,” you said back in a quieter, lighter tone. You were suddenly wrought with nerves as you tried to think of literally anything else to say to him. What happened to all of those lines you practiced in the mirror of your bathroom? Gone— your mind was a complete blank. “Ah— s-shall we…?” You wanted to crawl under a rock and disappear. However, he just nodded and gestured outwards with one of his hands, indicating that you should lead the way. You smiled gratefully and took a step forward, Namjoon following suit. For a moment the two of you walked in silence. You would have started the conversation if you were sure he wanted to talk. Or if you could fish through enough of the static in your brain to find a comment comprehensible enough to actually speak. If you had been sitting, your foot would have been going into fidget-overdrive. It was then that the man beside you cleared his throat and slipped his hands into the pockets of his hoodie.
“Um, so…” He didn’t look down at you this time, but as you peeked up at him you noticed a pink tint on the visible skin of his cheeks. “You’re American?” he asked, even though you guessed he probably already knew that you were. He must’ve asked simply… because he wanted to talk to you. Your heart stuttered and you let out a breathy laugh,
“Yeah,” Finally, a response where your voice didn’t shake. “I’m from New York.” You weren’t sure what else to say, seeing as the last time you tried to fill the silence between the two of you, you had ended up babbling incoherent nonsense, and you weren’t particularly looking to repeat the same humiliating performance. So, you put on a tight smile and shot quick glances up at him, hoping he’ll catch your hint. He bobbed his head a bit in a nod, registering your response.
“I really like New York.” He replied, then silence again. You both began to fidget at your own awkwardness and it was then that you heard a deep sigh followed by yet another grunt of his throat clearing. “Sorry…” He said, reaching up with his left hand to rub his shoulder slightly. “I wanted… to talk to you, but…” He let out a breathy chuckle. “…this is awkward, isn’t it?” He shifted his eyes to you for a split second before gazing back at the road. You didn’t know if you should feel bad, or elated that he felt the same way you did. You didn’t want it to be awkward, it’s just that you yourself was awkward and it seemed to manifest every time you tried to make a good impression. So, in light of the awkward atmosphere, you decided to play off of it, hoping some humor at your own expense would lighten the mood.
“Not as awkward as me almost falling on top of you the other day.” You cringed lightly at the memory, but let out a soft laugh and grinned through it. You began to relax when you heard him mirror your laugh and saw his face mask crinkle again. You let out a sigh of relief that turned into another laugh, finally feeling as if you’ve said something right.
“I was so… shocked,” He said, and you could hear the smile he still held on his face. “I thought a fan had grabbed me.” He shook his head as if to illustrate how unnerved he had been at the time. You smiled and bit your lip,
“Technically, a fan did grab you,” You shrugged playfully, slightly raising one of your eyebrows when you looked up at him. His deep laugh hit your ears again, more pronounced this time, and you felt your cheeks heat up and your heart skip at the sound. You couldn’t help musing on how beautiful it was.
“You’re right, you’re right,” you could see a playful glint in his eyes when he peered down at you, and you were glad to see that he was relaxing too. “But since it’s you… it’s okay.” If your face hadn’t been pink before from the sound of his laugh, it was brighter than a cherry-red Ferrari at the utterance of those words. Your heart thudded painfully against your ribs and you found yourself short of breath. Oh sweet Jesus— was he doing this on purpose? He was an idol, it was his job to know how to rile up the fans, but something about the way he stared at his feet daring only to glance at you for no more than a split second at a time made you believe that he was indeed being sincere. And you were sure you were about to have a heart attack. You exhaled a silent breath to sedate your heart’s nervous thumping before speaking again.
“I really am sorry about that…” As if you hadn’t already made it obvious from the profuse apologies that had left your lips at the time of the incident. You were of mostly clear mind now, so you could better express your remorse for having accidentally yanked on the back of his sweatshirt that day. “I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” You fiddled with the bottom of your shirt, trying desperately not to re-imagine that time. He laughed again, and you found yourself wishing that your days could be filled with that sound.
“It’s okay,” the smile under his mask was obvious now, and a light blush dusted at his face. “You were… your Korean was… cute.” He muttered, shrugging as if trying to act like the statement was nonchalant, but the almost unnoticeable twitching of his fingers in the pockets of his sweatshirt as he nervously picked at the inside fabric told you he understood how those words could be interpreted. And it set your body ablaze. You could feel the fire rushing through your veins as your palms began to sweat and your body tensed, trying not to show your reaction to his sudden comment.
“I-I’m not very good at Korean yet…” stammering as usual, your earlier confidence streak came to an abrupt end when the word ‘cute’ slipped through the lips of the man walking casually beside you. He looked down at you, and you’re again made aware of just how much taller he is of you.
“It’s good I know English, then, huh?” He teased, and God your heart should have stopped. How you were still breathing was beyond you and— wait, you were breathing right? As if to check your lungs, you discretely but a hand near your diaphragm, relieved to feel it shift beneath your fingers shallowly. Quickly nodding in response, you smiled at him before realizing you were at your destination to depart from the road along the Han River. Your destination where you were forced to part from Kim Namjoon. He noticed as well and slowed his pace as the two of you neared your veer-off point. You hesitantly looked at your feet and came to a stop in front of him, turning to face him in order to part. “Ah, this is where you leave…” He muttered, glancing around a bit as you nod at him. He pauses a moment before reaching up and sliding his mask off his face and under his chin, letting the elastic bands behind his ears do their job. Your voice caught in your throat at the sight of his face bared to you once more and you tried to soak in the sight of it once more. Surely someone so beautiful couldn’t be standing in front of you, smiling down at you as if you had known each other all along?
Your eyes snapped to his mouth when his tongue flitted over his lips to moisten them. Sweet Mary Mother of God, he wasn’t thinking about kissing you, was he? Why were you thinking about kissing him? He’s an idol for the love of God, there’s no way he’d kiss you! You felt panic rise in your chest, but it was immediately squelched by his soothing baritone voice. You weren’t much too surprised to find a twinge of disappointment when a kiss didn’t come, but your daydreams expected too much from reality. “I’ll… see you again?” He asked, as if he were nervous that you wouldn’t want to spend time with him once more. Your eyes lit up at the question and you sent him the brightest smile you could muster.
“Yes!” the cheer in your voice almost made you cringe, but you were pleased to see his face brighten at your answer. Ah… could he be cuter? Such an expression on such a manly face was more than you could handle and you felt your brain turn into euphoric mush at the sight. He embarrassedly looked down at his feet, trying to rein in his smile before slipping the mask back up his face to rest on the bridge of his nose. He looked back at you, his eyes still shining. You were doing no better trying to control your appearance as you laughed lightly, waving at him as you took a few steps towards the path. He pulled his hand out of his pocket to return the wave and it was then that you slowly turned around to continue your walk to work, where you knew you were going to be more than a little bit distracted.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Over the next week and a half, you saw your new, secret idol friend often on your way to work. It wasn’t every day, not that you had expected it to be, but the days where you did see him were better than the last. You would step onto the path at around 6:15am every morning and immediately look to the bench that you had found him waiting on after he had asked to walk with you. Some days it was vacant and other days there were strangers relaxing in the brisk morning air. But on the days you loved most there was a familiar figure, wearing familiar clothes, with a familiar baseball cap and face mask covering his stunning features. He would look up at you when he noticed your approach and stand, patiently waiting for you to reach his side before falling into stride with you.
He always waited for you on that bench— it had quickly become your marker on whether or not you would be graced by his presence that day. And you always hoped to see his lean figure lounging back looking out at the river or hunched forward tinkering on his phone as he awaited your appearance. It didn’t take you long to recognize the bench as the one he had been loitering on the day he saw your small skirmish with the apple, and had even brought it up in one of your conversations:
“I remember this bench,” you had said to him thoughtfully during one of your morning walks. “You got to see me nearly fist fight an apple.” You shook your head laughing, even though you were embarrassed by the ordeal still. He laughed too, remember the shocked look you had on your face as said apple hung out of your mouth.
“I remember.” A deep breath escaped his lungs. “Actually—” he started, fidgeting a bit and looked over at him with a puzzled expression. “…I was waiting for you… that day too…” He lightly cleared his throat out of awkward discomfort and his cheeks were painted over in pink. Needless to say, yours were too.
You had also mentioned to him one time that you also walked this same path Sundays when you were going to purchase your groceries for the week, and he put forth the notion that he would meet you on Sundays as well. You told him that he didn’t have to once learning that some weeks it was the only day off he was granted, but he simply shrugged, explaining that it was relaxing to be with you. You pretended to hesitantly accept his offer then, excitement growing within you as the two of you set a time and you couldn’t help but think that it sounded much like planning a date. You met on the next three Sundays at the same time.
To say that you were not just walking, but living on cloud nine was an understatement. No daydreams or fantasies could have prepared you for the events of your life in Seoul. Erin still badgered you about your constant chipper mood, demanding to know who it was that was making you so happy— you had even gone out with her and your coworkers a few times in the last couple of weeks. Only on Friday nights though; Sunday mornings were reserved and you didn’t want to have to be nursing a hangover during one of your walks with Namjoon. One night your friend had managed to get you intoxicated enough that you almost spilled your secret, but your heart was thankfully stronger than your brain that night and you had simply held out a drunken finger to her lips and shushed her, shaking your head and saying in slurred words “It’s a secret.”
That indefinitely set her off for the next week, and she constantly hounded you, trying to guess who it was. But the truth was far more unbelievable than anything the imagination could come up with, so you always simply laughed and managed to hold off her curiosity until the end of the day. It wasn’t until recently that you realized that you had already been in Korea for three months; two of which were filled with memories of walking alongside the Han River with the BTS idol.
Over the course of your meetings, you had become accustomed to the sound of his voice, his stride when he walked, and small mannerisms that made Namjoon, Namjoon, and after your initially star-struck mind had cleared enough to notice these things, you never truly felt like you were talking to an idol. He was just a man that you were slowly getting to know, and slowly falling in love with.
The moment you felt the twinge in your heart become a full-blown ache, you knew you were in trouble. Early-on in your meetings, you had made yourself promise that there would be no romantic feelings attached. You should have known better than to make empty promises to yourself. How could you not fall in love with him? Especially once you had the opportunity to learn about him yourself on a personal level— it had been inevitable.
You had to constantly remind yourself to quell your feelings for him each morning before you knew whether or not you’d be seeing him that day. You didn’t want to make him uncomfortable with obvious affections towards him. Whatever fragile friendship the two of you had created the last two months would surely be over if he caught any indication that you were interested in him as more than a friend.
There were times though that you saw a small glimmer on his face that made you wish that he felt the same towards you. Wished, hoped, that he could possibly regard you in the same way. Alas, you knew better. Any rational human being would know that Kim Namjoon is an exceptional man with exceptional talents and who deserved an exceptional woman. You, much to your chagrin, were not exceptional. You knew that you were not a good fit for the beautiful idol, no matter how much you longed to be. And even in the small moments where you see the little gleams within the dark depths of his eyes when they looked at you, your brain was quick to remind you of this fact and the disappointment set into your gut immediately.
You never let these emotions deter you from enjoying your time with Namjoon, however. Every moment with him was pure bliss and you never once found yourself dwelling over your disappointment when in his company. He was an easy fellow to talk to, to laugh with. He was witty, funny, and awkward in the most endearing ways a person could be. His personality meshed alarmingly well with yours; almost like the two of you had been destined to be friends. And you were content with that.
Today was Sunday again, and at 7:30am you made your way to the bench where you know he’d be waiting. You hummed happily, wondering what the two of you would be talking about today on your slightly longer trip to the market. You had allotted about twenty minutes of your morning before leaving your apartment to do your routine emotion-check to make sure you had the ability to mask them well enough to keep them from the man you saw sitting comfortably on the wooden bench overlooking the river. You smiled as you picked up your pace to a light jog before stopping in front of him where he was still seated. ‘Odd,’ you thought, ‘he’s usually standing before I can get to him.’ You tried not to let it bother you too much, but you had a habit of over-thinking things. You tried to push your concerns to the back of your mind, telling yourself that everyone has their off-days. Luckily it wasn’t too long after you planted yourself in front of him that he looked up at you with smiling eyes, mask crinkling in a similar fashion, and stood up.
“Ready?” He asked, to which you smiled and nodded. As the two of you turned to begin your stroll, you took a quick once-over at his attire for the day, noticing that it wasn’t his usual laid-back lounge clothes. He was in a long black sweater that reached about mid-calf and beneath it he wore a simple white tee that was tucked neatly into black ripped jeans. A statement belt adorned his hips and clearly expensive grey Timberlands gave his look a clean feel to it. His usual baseball cap was replaced by a black snapback with ‘YOUTH’ written across the bottom of the bill, leaving the only thing you recognized was the white mask covering the better part of his face. He looked good— very good. You almost pouted when you tore your gaze away from him. Still, dressed like that, was he going somewhere?
“How was your morning?” He asked, breaking you out of your thoughts. You looked up at him, trying to register the question he just asked you. Your mouth moved before your brain could come up with anything cleverer—
“Good, the usual,” You almost groaned at the simple response. It’s been two months, why were you regressing in your communication skills with him? But as you glanced back over at him, you took in his outfit again. “You’re dressed nice today,” you spoke, blushing a bit at your own compliment. “Are you going somewhere?” You blink at him with curiosity when he pauses longer than usual. He looks hesitant to answer, but gives a light sigh when he seems to realize that he can’t avoid having the conversation.
“Yeah, actually,” He started, his shoulders slumping a bit as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I… ah…” he tilted his head to the side and his brows furrowed a bit. He still hasn’t looked back at you. “…I wanted to tell you sooner, but…” Another sigh. “…we’re… I’m leaving. To America for a tour.” He finally glanced at you, the look in his eyes slightly solemn as he tried to express his melancholy about the situation. You felt your heart drop into your stomach like a rock at the thought of him leaving, and you knew that your face mirrored your distress. You tried to recover quickly by sending him a small smile.
“That’s good though, right?” You tried to cheer him up by pointing out the pros of the circumstances. “You’ll get to see your fans in America— they love you.” You almost wanted to add in ‘me too,’ but decided strongly against it. “Plus, you can do things that you can only do in the U.S.” He nodded in agreement, but he still seemed conflicted. You hummed a little, trying to come up with another positive point, but another question nagged its way to the front of your mind. “Um… how long are you going to be there?” And now you were hesitant with what you said, mirroring his uncomfortable guise and looking at the ground.
“Ah… a month…” Another rock hit your gut. Four weeks without your walking buddy? Four weeks without the person who made your heart beat erratically with adoration? Four weeks without Kim Namjoon? You tried your best to hide your distress, but knew you were failing at it when he withdrew his hand from his pocket to rub the back of his neck.
“Oh…” was all you could say. You tried to breath normally, but panic was setting into your bones and you tried to calm yourself by releasing a shaky breath. “W-when do you leave?” You almost didn’t want to hear the answer.
“This afternoon…” He gazed at you apologetically. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.” You were upset, how could you not be after finding out that he was leaving for a month in mere hours? Though to be fair, the two of you hadn’t known each other for very long. It wasn’t like he necessarily owed you an explanation, and you understood that. It was his courteous nature that made him tell you in the first place, and that same nature that lead him to feel apologetic for only telling you now. You kept your gaze to the ground, almost afraid that you’d start to tear up should you see his face. When did you become so emotionally involved with this man?
“It’s okay,” your voice was quiet, but resolved. It was okay, really— it wasn’t like he had much choice having to leave, and it probably wouldn’t have been easier for you had he told you earlier if you were being honest. You peeked up at the road in front of you, seeing where the path took you upwards on a flight of stairs towards the direction of the grocery store. This is where you left him. But this time it wasn’t for a day or two. No, today, this is where you would leave him for the next thirty days. Or more, even. Who knew when the next time the two of you would be able to see each other? Or if you’d ever see each other again?
Thinking about it was doing you no good, but you knew that the time to say goodbye was here. You chewed on your bottom lip as you worked up enough nerve to turn to him and he mirrored you, hands still in his pockets for the time being. You both stood in silence for what seemed like ages, neither one of you wanting to sat those dreaded words. As each second ticked by, you could feel yourself becoming more and more emotional and you knew you would burst into tears in front of him if you didn’t walk away soon. You looked at the ground again as you pushed pebbles around with the tip of your shoe.
“I guess…” you started, hoping that your voice wouldn’t crack or get stuck in your throat. “…have fun in the states…” You smiled at your shoes, wishing that you had the courage to send that smile to him. Wishing you had the courage to tell him that you didn’t want him to go. Wishing you had the courage to tell him those taboo feelings that squeezed at your heart this very moment. But all of those things would make his leaving harder, and with one last small surge of bravery, you took a step around him, muttering, “…I’ll see you around…” even though you knew you wouldn’t. Goodbye was just too hard to utter.
As you ascended the concrete stairs leading away from the Han River and Kim Namjoon, you didn’t see that after only mere steps, said idol stopped walking and turned back around to face the direction you were walking. You didn’t see the nervous shuffle of his feet, or the way he lifted his snapback briefly to run a hand through his dark hair in frustration. And if it weren’t for the hurried footsteps following you up the stairs, you certainly wouldn’t have seen him climbing after you.
“Y/N—” He said in a flustered tone. You whipped around to look at him, shocked to hear him so close to you. He was taller than you, but being a few steps behind you left him at eye-level, and you were able to easily peer into his brown orbs, widened slightly in panic. You were both frozen for a moment, mutually a bit shocked at his actions. After the silence dragged on for a second too long you spoke up,
“Y-yeah?” was all you managed. You heard him inhale deeply before he reached up and yanked the mask off his face to have it rest beneath his chin. He had a hint of worry in his eyes, but the over-all expression he showcased to you was serious, confident; the way you imagined he would look on stage. He had been so goofy and bashful most of the time with you until this moment, this was a new expression. And it sent heat to your core immediately.
“I…” he swallowed, “I want to see you again… keep seeing you… after I get back…” Another wave of shock numbed your body— this… did he really say that? You opened your mouth as if to reply, but you quickly shut it when you realized that no sound was produced. He continued, “Can I… meet you there again?” ‘There’— you knew he meant the bench. His bench. You continued to stare.
“Y-you…” your stuttering has seemed to come back in full force much to your disdain. “…yes…” You managed to squeak out softly. Yes, you wanted that. You wanted that more than anything. You wanted to ask him about his tour, how it went, if he had any difficulties, if he had fun. You wanted to keep learning about him, laughing with him. You wanted to keep falling in love with him, even if he never returned your feelings. “Yes; I want to see you again, too.” Your voice was firmer this time, fractionally mirroring the look on his face.
Relief washed over the concern in his eyes at hearing the response he had hoped to hear and you had been glad to give it to him. A small smile spread across your lips as the corner of his turned upwards. And you thought that you could contently stare at his smile forever, but in a split second, you were seeing stars instead.
You hadn’t seen it coming— it was too abrupt, too unexpected, and you were caught completely off guard. He had taken one quick step forward, leaning towards you in the process and catching each of your hands in his before pressing his plush lips to your cheek. Your mind reeled at the sudden and new development, and all you could focus on was the warm tingle that spread from his soft lips to your skin.
He, Kim Namjoon, was kissing you— granted, it wasn’t a kiss that could be shared between you, but it was one that he was giving, which was just as precious an act. The combination of the kiss and the way his hands gently held yours seemed to say ‘thank you’, ‘I’ll come back for you’, and ‘you are precious’. Your heart was just about to leap from your chest when he detached from your cheek; but he never let go of your hands. He stared into your eyes, abashed at his own forwardness, but his gaze was intense nonetheless. You couldn’t feel it, but you knew that your face was sporting a strawberry-esque color and a shocked expression. Your lips twitched into a smile. This was, to a degree, an affirmation of the impossible— this extraordinary man, a man of many talents, of many names, but, ultimately still, one Kim Namjoon, harbored affections towards you. To what extent, you couldn’t be sure, but this was more than you could had ever imagined possible. And you didn’t need a confession of undying love; an act as simple as this was bigger than words.
“I’ll do that properly next time…” He said, his voice deeper and smoother than it had been a moment ago and it sent chills through your body, the implication of ‘properly’ going over your head in your shocked state. “I have to go,” He said, giving your hands a light squeeze. “I’ll see you soon.” You gave little squeeze in return before he stepped back and his hands slipped from yours. He smiled at you; a pure, genuine smile, with warmth flooding his eyes before he tugged the mask back up his face and turned around to descend down the stairs. He looked back at you only once when he got to the bottom and gave you a small nod, much like the ones the two of you had exchanged in the beginning of this rather odd relationship. You smiled brightly at the gesture and nodded back, after which he gazed at you only a moment longer before turning and walking away.
You watched him leave, studying his retreating figure and recording it in your memory. You never thought it would have ended up like this, your life in Korea. Never in your wildest dreams would you have thought a situation like this possible; not for you. Yet, here you were, watching Kim Namjoon walk away after placing the most meaningful kiss to your cheek and promising a future reunion. ‘Next time…’ you thought to yourself. Ah, what would ‘next time’ hold here at Han River, Seoul?
[END]
