trying to decide if i'd rather be a tortoise or a turtle. on the one hand I prefer dry land, on the other hand turtles can breathe out of their cloacae so. it's tricky
hmm have you considered something like a snapping turtle? can live on dry land if it wants to and just go to the water for a nice splash splash
that'll work
so we have these in North Carolina and they are Menaces (note the capital M) but not in the way that you would think. no. you don’t step into a pond and go “ouchie my foot, a snapping turtle bit me.” (they’re actually very friendly in water so long as you don’t bother them). no no, these fuckers LOVE scorching hot concrete. and they’re BIG.
Most commonly you’ll see one chilling in the middle of the road like a little goomba waiting to wreck your car tire. So you gotta stop and move them which involves awkwardly lugging this flailing, hissing turtle well off the road and into the forest where you pray it will stay.
Now, I know they’re called snapping turtles, and they do snap, WHICH IN ALL DUE FAIRNESS is BAD for the person moving the turtle out of the road.
BUT.
THEY HAVE CLAWS.
Remember when I said “flailing”?
Yeah, it’s easy to avoid the beak but it is NOT easy to avoid those feet. they will fuck you up with their sword-feet.
So, my advice, as a North Carolinian, on moving snapping turtles off roads: Let someone else do it :)
And hey! If i wanted to be a turtle, i’d pick this one! no one’s messing with me!
no one.
Beautiful.
@willowbane are these things of a size where a snow shovel might be a useful implement of hazard-removal? I assume it'd have to be a real heavy-duty one, not one of the flimsy little collapsible popsicle sticks that are what most people have stashed in the back seat footwell somewhere...
*ahem*
To answer your question, here is the following:
i did some research and the research says… maybe???
while this would probably work better from a safety standpoint…
…no one in North Carolina keeps a snow shovel in their vehicle (we're southern, please forgive us). also, snapping turtles are still kinda squishy, at least their legs are, so i would be concerned about cutting the turtle while scooping it since decent snow shovels are usually made of metal and are pretty sharp.
Instead, here is a helpful guide on how to pick up a snapping turtle:
So. You have encountered a turtle…
…and it is filled with the burning rage of a thousand suns because, dear god, you, mortal flesh pod, have decided to move it from its Sunny Spot™️
Question is, how does one go about doing this?
Well, friend, first you approach the turtle from BEHIND (to avoid the beak, chase after it, etc, etc)
You’ve made it this far so now you’re going to want to pick this bad boy up.
In order to avoid walking away from this looking like you just fought with a rotating sphere of knives, pick up the turtle towards the back of its shell but in front of the hind legs:
Then, you’re going to pick the turtle up and lug it across the road in the direction it was facing/walking. They know where they’re going, they have turtle instincts. Trust the turtle instincts.
Now, it is important that you’re only picking this turtle up a few inches off the ground because 1) they are very heavy and if you drop it, you only want it falling a few inches and 2) there’s just less flailing if they can see the ground.
after awkwardly shuffle-walking to the curb, set the turtle down (gently) and watch it waddle into the undergrowth!
You did it!
Thank you for the helpful guide! This is almost completely right except for one very important thing: if you absolutely have to pick up the turtle, please make sure you do so by gripping the underside of the shell and support the body as well. As you note, snapping turtles are squishy and heavy and just gripping the top shell can put undue stress on the joints where the bottom shell joins and it can separate causing damage and pain.
Also pro tip: keep heavy leather work gloves in your car and use them. It won't stop them from biting (they can bite your finger clean off) but it will help protect against the claws and give you more confidence in your grip.
i'm STILL not over
