and the whale's not gone

the first person to turn an apple to sauce... what hubris. no other fruit gets this treatment. well, except for the wretched tomato. but that's a punishment, because the tomato is morally corrupt.

man, I tell you what, being in a place financially where the budget has room for an impulsive little treat now and then really teaches you something about who you are. I did not know I loved art as much as I apparently do. But now I often see an incredible piece of art on tumblr and reflexively go "DO YOU HAVE AN INPRNT SHOP" and a couple weeks later, the art is on my wall. It brings me sincerely so much joy???? I have a lot of trauma around money and I really hate spending it -- except apparently when it comes to buying art??? Buying art is a purchase experience containing nothing but joy and happiness. Pure dopamine.

(tho i will say.... artists.... plz..... for my sake.... consider standard frame sizes 🥲🥲🥲 Sometimes having to buy a frame is more expensive than the artwork, and that feels wrong)

If you see a piece of art on tumblr that you love and you've got room in your budget, get a print of it! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS EXPERIENCE *SLAPS*, Y'ALL. It is not like making other purchases, and I would not have believed that that was true until I started doing it regularly.

"my sexual fantasy is forcing adrien de gerlache to work a 10 hour retail shift on black friday"

huber0203

> be me

> the smallest most pathetic sopping wet knight in Camelot

> enjoying a nye party at uncle artie’s

> dude walks in and he’s green for some reason

> not worried about it just thought he was doing a bit

> asks to play a Yule game where someone strikes him with an axe and he gets to do it back next year

> mfw

> uncle art goes to accept the challenge

> I say fuck it and volunteer because I’m not doing anything with my life anyway

> chop the green guy’s clean head off

> he picks his head up and laughs

> says I have to meet him at some chapel so he can do thing to me next year

> I piss myself

> he lets me keep the axe so that’s nice

> what do I doooo guys

> 10 months pass

> set out to find the chapel I’m supposed to meet this guy at

> bring my sickkkk new axe

> ladies love my sick new axe. get lots of play

> fight beasts and highway men and things for 7 weeks straight

> eventually end up at this huge castle in the middle of nowhere

> turns out it belongs to this extremely sexy guy and his extremely sexy wife

> says his name is bert and he knows where the chapel I’m supposed to be at is

> weird old lady in the castle freaking me out

> guy says I can stay at his place until my beheading appointment and I get a poly vibe from him and his wife so I ignore the old lady

> guy says he’s going to go hunting everyday and give me whatever he hunts if I give him whatever I was gifted in the castle

> first morning his wife tries to fuck me immediately but I don’t know if they have an open relationship or not so I turn her down

> get a kiss instead

> that evening he gives me a deer and I give him a kiss

> next morning she tries to get in my pants again. we kiss twice.

> that evening he gives me a boar and I give him 2 kisses

> the next morning his missus tries to give me a gold ring I say no bc gold isn’t my color tbh

> she offers me a green sash that’s enchanted so the wearer can’t be harmed while wearing it

> mfw I realize this could keep me from being beheaded

> take the sash

> she kisses me 3 times and leaves

> bert gives me a fox that night and I kiss him 3 times

> leave for the chapel the next day wearing the sash

> the green guy is there and he’s sharpening another axe

> mfw

> where does this guy keep getting axes?

> get down on the chopping block to have my head cut off

> he swings. I flinch

> he calls me a little whiny baby

> he swings again. doesn’t hit me

> hate this guy

> he swings a third time and it only cuts me a little

> he starts laughing

> turns out he was bert just fucking with me the whole time using magic

> the old lady in the castle was my aunt morgan who made him do this bullshit so she could make fun of us knights

> tells me he cut my neck a little because I lied about the stash

> earth shattering sex with the green man commences

> return to Camelot wearing the stupid green sash. the other knights tell me I have to wear my fucktrophy green sash forever.

> goddamnit

> photo of the sopping wet meow meow for reference

I think more people should just be ok with being single

I love this site

He’s being cleaned, not just pet, but judging by that big contented rumble you can hear, he’s quite enjoying it!

When you’re a prehistoric dinosaur and it’s scritches time

brushie brushie brushie 

It really is fascinating that basically every animal on earth that has some sort of skin integument enjoys a lil scratch. I mean it makes sense but like. Humans evolved from social grooming animals and we have perfect little grooming hands and basically everything on earth with scales, fur or feathers can basically be convinced to let us give them free back scratches. Humans don’t even get anything out of it other than the satisfaction of helping out. We’re just really good at it. What a useful creature to be put on a planet full of animals who can’t reach their backs.

narrator who's terrible at social cues & describes every facial expression as "unreadable"

you've heard of unreliable narrator, here's the incompetent narrator

Happy Gandalf gets to lick a graham cracker Monday

@creatures-in-posts

This creature is licking a graham cracker. It is her favorite activity.

#is that robert reich father of sam reich game changer man

He's also the former US Secretary of Labor and served in the administrations of multiple US presidents but yes, he is the father of sam reich game changer man

#im sorry was no one gonna tell me Sam Reich Game Changer is the son of the former US Secretary of Labor#not to take away from the initial message (even though like yeah we been known)#but like that feels like information tumblr would be more forthcoming with in their praise of that show

Why do you think the dropout cast all joke about him being a nepo baby?

The reason he's the CEO of dropout is because when collegehumor was dying and the cast all wanted to keep working together and having fucking jobs, he was the only one in a mass of starving artists who could afford to buy and try to resuscitate it. That was a massive financial risk and the fact that it seems to be working is nothing short of a miracle. Everyone thank former US Secretary of Labor and general champion of worker's rights Robert Reich for raising a son with financial security.

Apropos of (almost) nothing: I'm the kind of pedant who dislikes calling tentacle porn "tentacle porn" not because I think it's aberrant but because, 98% of the time, what's being depicted are octoform arms or tendrils, not tentacles. Tentacles are defined by the clubbed ends, which are the only part that have suckers. If it's tapered and has suckers all the way down, it's an octoform arm; if it has no suckers at all, it's a tendril.

You're welcome.

This site has gotta be the weirdest way to learn things

new knowledge for me and all my fellow mobster fuckers dropped

Eh, boss. We nose you and Tony are ya know, badda boom, but I thinks ya made a typo dar.

Gawd damn it, Frankie. This is what I get for trying to type with these tentacle thumbs.

I'm as grateful for cellphones as the next person, but sometimes I think about how everyone having a phone on them at all times really did cause us to loose some things as a society. I mean - for example, kids these days will never experience their car breaking down and needing to find the nearest place with a phone they can use. They're never going to have the opportunity to tentatively approach a house only to discover that it's full of queer people having a party hosted by a transvestite to celebrate his creation of a sex homunculus, stay the night, and loose their virginity while unintentionally partaking in cannibalism. It's tragic, that kind of gay sexual awakening just doesn't happen these days because of cellphones.

I know all the posts about how to stockpile hrt come from a good place but yall. Stockpiling T on purpose is a felony and its not one i judge you for but...STOP admitting it out loud on your blogs frankly and with none of the "teehee THEORETICALLY" shoplifter blogs used to have. Im seeing people talk abt the stockpiles they already have AND their plans to share it and my guys... this website WILL give your personal info to the government if subpoenad. Idk that its LIKELY but I know itd be embarrassing as hell to go to JAIL for felony possession of controlled substance w intent to distribute bc you couldnt stop yourself from YAPPING on a fucking tumblr post and then mr hammers gave your email and login ip to the cops. I KNOW youre all not using secure enough burners and vpns and shit 4 that Cmon now

movable type printing for paper books around 1040 AD by chinese artist 山白shanbai

If you can’t find a place on your blog for Patrick Stewart in a bathtub dressed like a lobster, then your blog probably doesn’t deserve such majesty anyway.

It has returned to my dash and I cannot fight the compulsion to reblog…

the patrick lobster appears only once in a thousand years, reblog for good luck