SO I’LL SAY WORDS I DON’T BELIEVE
atsushi nakajima x reader
atsushi writes you an apology. bsd 117/118 spoilers
inspired by bigger than the whole sky
[y/n],
its been a few days since… since it happened. i still can’t wrap my head around it. i’m all on my own now. i’m trying to hold it all together, because thats what you’d want. kyouka is with me. we’ve just been hiding out… trying to survive. trying to fix this mess.
i’m don’t want to be clingy, or annoying or useless. i want to use the strength i have now, like dazai-san would want. but i just can’t help but wonder what you’d say to me if you were still here. i can’t stop crying.
i can’t get your last words out of my head, [y/n]. even when you were attacked, you stayed strong, and brave. i wonder if you did it for me. were you secretly scared? were you in pain? did you put on a brave face just for me? i don’t know. and i wish i did. i wish i could have saved you, and everyone.
i honestly wasn’t sure what to say. i lost all my words in the aftermath. just tears. i just cried, even when kyouka eventually came to me. even now, i still can’t find the right words to say. its like everything i touch turns into sadness.
did i ever tell you what my life was like before the agency? i find myself reliving it more and more now that you’re gone. i was worthless, and i didn’t mean anything to anyone. that all changed when i joined you and everyone else. for once, i felt loved. for once, i felt purpose. for once, i could wake up and feel like i was wanted.
…i don’t know how its all over now.
i wasn’t sure what love was before i met you, [y/n]. i’m so sorry i didn’t tell you that when i could. dazai-san would tease me about it everyday. he said it was obvious i had a little crush on you. what i would give to go back to that.
and i can’t help but wonder what could have been you. you had so many dreams you talked about. things you wanted to do, to live and see. your head was filled with music and stories and wonder. and when i think of that, i wonder what could have been us. if maybe, i stood up and told you how i felt. if maybe i wasn’t such a coward. maybe we could have had everything.
i’ve got a lot to live without now that you’re gone. i just don’t know how i’ll do it. this isn’t fair. you were gone too soon. kenji was too young. junichiro never said goodbye. kunikida-san deserved more.
i won’t let him get away with this.
you were more than just a short time to me. you were bigger than the whole sky. you were my whole world while you were here. i love you.
yours,
atsushi
