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2.22 All Hell Breaks Loose: Part II

Why me? Out of all the sick people, why save me? Well, like I said before, the Lord guides me. I looked into your heart and you just stood out from all the rest. What did you see in my heart? A young man with an important purpose, a job to do, and it isn’t finished. SUPERNATURAL, 1.12 "Faith"

It’s just wild to me that so many people are obsessed with their fanon version of dean when canon dean is soooo much more fascinating than anything they could come up. He loves so much it aches, it’s a horrible, soul destroying love that consumes everything it touches, even whomever it happens to glaze. He’s the ultimate weapon. He carved himself into whatever he thought was needed of him, and he tries carving his loved ones into whatever he thinks they should be. He carved into souls in hell, just like he carved into his own soul his entire life but can never handle when anyone else does the carving for very long, and once he gets back from hell, he carves his loved ones into what he wants them to be. He only tortured people who deserved it, right? He is judge, jury, and executioner and he WILL fix things, because he is Right. He doesn’t realize how deeply he is Loved in turn because no one is able to Love the way he does, a love that carves and slices into your soul until you have no choice but to attempt to mold yourself into what he needs of you. And god have mercy on you if you fight back.

The agony is the entire point of it all. Every love that dean has ever known feels horribly impersonal because no one can ever live up to his impossible standards. He has no idea that he is Known, and he has no idea that he doesn’t Know anyone. He is unbelievably vulnerable, he wears everything on his sleeve that, for all his remarks to the contrary, Sam hides. He does not know how easy he is to read, and he does not know that no one will ever truly be enough for him. There is Sammy. There is not Sam. Dean doesn’t know who sam is.

Dean is Michael’s sword, he’s John’s good soldier, he’s Alastair’s protege, he’s everything and he’s nothing. He sees John’s personalized abuse of Sam as a deeper love that he has never known, because his own abuse was so IMpersonal because he acquiesced. He acquiesced to john and he acquiesced to Alastair and he will never be made vulnerable again.

Maybe it’s just me, but THAT character is infinitely more interesting than the sanitized, watered-down version of himself he has become in this fandom.

Past season five, any redemption arc for him has lost interest for me. Season five tried that, and at least in swan song, they did it well. Late seasons dean cannot truly recover from all the damage he has done, and that’s what makes him utterly fascinating. I don’t WANT him to get better. In fact, I want him to be WORSE.

Maybe the story I’m interested in hearing is just different from what most want to tell. But I dunno. Maybe I’m just not interested in turning dean into a watered-down version of Sam. I already have Sam for that.

stabbed in the back

4.14 / 2.22 / ten of swords by david palumbo, for the heavy metal tarot cards series

3x10 // 5x01

1x22 // 2x01

"The truth is, I can relate." ↳ 10.13 - HALT & CATCH FIRE

The Tomb of Galahad

*S8 trials Sam

Listen, you think you can have that normal life that you want so bad, but you can't. I'm sorry. It's all gonna go rotten. You are gonna die, and your children will be cursed.

While I weep—while I weep! O God! Can I not grasp  Them with a tighter clasp? O God! Can I not save One from the pitiless wave?

She's lying. [...] She's fine, Ben. She's fine. She's gonna be just fine.