YOU SAID DILDO AND MATT COHEN IN THE SAME SENTENCE, THE TWO CORRELATED TO EACH OTHER AND I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS please, and thank you

arialerendeair answered:

OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY

SO. There’s this short/pilot episode that Matt Cohen was involved in, called Hard Crime. It’s a spoof on like, a mix of CSI Miami and a few other crime shows and it’s fucking brilliant in how gloriously irreverent it is.

ANYWAYS.

So, Matt is the main character, and one of the things that the main character (whose name I do not remember which is a crime, but it means I have to watch it again, which is an AWESOME thing), does/gets…is that when there is crime nearby, he gets a Crime Boner.

I shit you not, a large portion of this whole thing has uber-gruff Matt Cohen (scruff and all) wandering around with a GIANT. BONER.

It is the funniest thing you have ever fucking seen in your life. NOW. Moving the plot along, there’s this whole scene where Matt confronts the police chief/mayor person and he says he’s the only person who can catch the dastardly evil person who wants to take over a very specific part of California. (We’re talking like, specific COUNTY.)

So, following the Crime Boner of Hardness - they track down the villain, who is none other than a dastardly evil Richard Speight Jr.

There’s a bomb, and a plot to take over this piece of California, and a very bad guy, so Matt Cohen saunters up with the Crime Boner, and there’s cursing over how accurate it is…and then.

AND THEN.

TRUE GLORY HAPPENS.

The Crime Boner becomes a machine gun. All the bad guys are killed by it (including Richard, who fucking LAUGHED when I asked him how it felt to be killed by the Crime Boner in Hard Crime. He went on to explain that he didn’t remember it well, but that the whole idea had been Matt’s plan and baby and idea and fuck, he was just enthusing talking about it and it was GREAT), however, there’s still the bomb.

So, what does Matt Cohen’s character, with the machine gun Crime Boner do? Well, of course he has to defuse it.

BY FUCKING IT.

I shit you not, now knowing that the Crime Boner is a giant flesh-colored dildo, watching Matt Cohen fuck that bomb into deactivation is pretty much the best thing EVER.

So, fast forward to MinnCon, I’ve got Matt signing a few things for me and I mention Hard Crime and he starts laughing and I ask my questions (”In Hard Crime, what was the Crime Boner made out of it, if it wasn’t, you know, real.”) and explains that it was a giant, flesh-colored dildo, precisely 18-inches, and it was most definitely NOT REAL and he’s laughing his way through this explanation while the handler looks at me in horror and the person behind me is trying not to laugh.

Oh god, I manage to tell Matt that he has made my convention with the answer to this question, and walk away happily with my autographs.

And that, THAT, Letzi, is the story behind Matt Cohen, an 18-inch flesh colored dildo (that is apparently a strap on, because I have no idea how else he could have kept the thing in place), and Hard Crime.

THANK YOU.

TO FULLY ILLUSTRATE HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS IS, HAVE THE FOLLOWING TWO PICTURES.

AND. JUST. WITH THE ABOVE KNOWLEDGE. ENJOY THIS INSTAGRAM POST.

OKAY THERE WE GO.

whitmerule

omg THE CRIME BONER STORY

i’m betting you made their con with that question too. :P

#matt cohen #richard speight jr #spn cons #crime boner #hard crime #nsfw

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soupernabturel

undergroundwater2

Playing Fuck ~~Jensen~~-marry-kill

whitmerule

i think you mean 'gangbang'

#rpf #sort of #jensen ackles #rob benedict #matt cohen #richard speight jr #spn cons

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puppycastiel

Richard’s speech about Misha

Richard: What fame and money did to Misha Collins was enable him to start one of the most powerful charitable organizations that any actor has ever started, fueled by fanbases gathered just behind somebody’s efforts. And Misha Collins has taken a role on a CW show that not everybody knows and changed lives globally with his efforts and with his magnanimous spirit.

He’s an example to everybody, a wonderful man. I’m so pissed off that he had that happen to him, because it’s not right, but what it shows you is, you know, shit happens - even to good people. But I want you to know - because you’re not gonna get to see him on a stage this time but you will another time - that he is a wonderful man with a wonderful spirit, and we are lucky to have him in this world and he is an example not only to me but to my children and to you and to your children. He is an excellent human being. We’re lucky to have him. […] I know he wishes he were here with you.

Matt: I also think, that being said, Rich. The a-holes that participated in that awful attack on Misha. Look out, you m-n-effers, something’s gonna rain down on you.

Richard: And I want to say, on that same point, that a lesser man would have stayed home based on vanity. And he’s here doing photos with a busted face because he loves you and he sees what you do. […] He is not letting you down because he cares that much. That’s the kind of man he is. That’s why he’s gonna come back to see you tomorrow. Because he rules. An exceptional man.

I wanted to transcribe this because it’s supportive and beautiful and links to videos and audio may not work for everyone. I tried my best but there are a couple of places where the words are muffled by distance and cheers, so I ask for your understanding on that. ♥

1940sdeancas

This was the speech that everyone gave a standing ovation to. Glad someone transcribed it for everyone else to see. :)

whitmerule

wtf someone actually followed through on the threats and ATTACKED Misha? when was this?

rosemoonweaver

this was a response to something that happened at minncon in 2015. Misha was attacked then and no one in the cast was happy about it. If I recall correctly j2 went out to try and find the person who did it but never found them. Misha is fine now and, lord willing, he will continue to be fine.

whitmerule

Yeeeep. Thank you. I never heard about that! I suppose this is circulating again now because of the threats at Seacon. It’s a lovely response from Richard and Matt anyway!

strangegalaxyhopper

Misha was mugged at night leaving some bar/restaurant. It had nothing to do with the covention, it happened the night before. J2 never tried to go out and find the guys who mugged him, they just said that they’d like to bump into them the next night. Misha had a busted lip and some bruising on his face. His panel was canceled and Misha said that Vicki wanted him to go home, but he stayed for the photo ops and M&G, where he said that he was fine.

whitmerule

Thank you for the clarification!

#misha collins #hate #violence #assault #richard speight jr #matt cohen

whitmerule

Matt Cohen, you sneaky thing.

(Although with slightly shaggier hair, a few more lines around the eyes than last time, he is a more believable young Jeff Morgan.)

#season 11 spoilers #11x04 #matt cohen #john winchester

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thewinchester-boys

valiantcastiel

Supernatural and drinking games

#misha collins #spn cons #sebastian roche #matt cohen #alcohol #spn drinking games

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microcomets

pastelandblood

Matt Cohen (Creation TV Exclusive Interview) SPN LV CON 2014

whitmerule

what can you do when it's a misha collins

#misha collins #matt cohen

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smallwind

2014 5/24 SPN JIBcon 5-D2 Matt Cohen and Jason Manns Panel

(X)

whitmerule

... I'm not sure I want to ask.

#matt cohen #jason mann #jibcon

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kittykate90

drawsshits-inactive

Matt Cohen stripping for charity at DC Con, 2014

Bless the shit out of this post

#what #spn cons #matt cohen #misha collins #rob benedict #sebastian roche #richard speight jr

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sizzlebutt

Matt arguing that Cockles means Cohen/Ackles and NOT Collins/Ackles aka one of the most hilarious things I have ever seen

whitmerule

Matt's going to have Misha and his witty sarcasm and his trenchcoat ANY WAY HE WANTS.

#misha collins #matt cohen #richard speight jr #cockles #chicon

whitmerule

Rob, Richard, and Matt on breaking the law - plus random salaciousness from Sebastian

Fan: Hi, I was wondering - with all your doing the convention circuit, have you guys ever got in trouble - at a hotel, or something?

Richard: This is going to be a disappointing question, because the truth is - no!

Rob: The jumping in the fountain in Rome wasn’t -

Richard: No, Robbie has broken the law several times - and this is what’s interesting, is people - a lot of people think of Rob as the sweet one, the nice one.

Rob makes a squeaky noise of objection.

Richard: So cute! So tea-tiny you just wanna take him home! (Rob squeaks.) You just want one in the house!

Rob: I just get excited sometimes! I’m not like a mean or violent drunk -

Richard: No, no, when you violate the law you’re doing it with a gleeful innocence.

Rob: It’s true!

Richard: But you break the law, and typically it’s in Rome.

Rob (all woeful and protesting and it honestly is pretty damn cute): I didn’t know that you couldn’t jump in that fountain! I was so happy!

Richard: He’s like, “How am I supposed to know that the city of Rome doesn’t want me to desecrate one of their oldest monuments? What am I, a mindreader?”

Rob: I didn’t pee on it or anything.

Richard: Oh, jeez. So, we haven’t done anything to a hotel room.

Rob: How about last night? There’s Matt - possibly things went on in his hotel room -

Richard: Oh, well. Matt has this, you know - Matt ransacked his own room and is blaming fate.

Matt (as Michael): Free will’s an illusion, Robbie. Uh, yeah, I destroyed my hotel room -

From the back of the room, Sebastian contributes something about “free willy”, because he is Sebastian. Matt misses it, but hears the audience reaction.

Matt: - what’d the Frenchman say?

Sebastian: FREE WILLY.

Matt: Yes. See Sebastian later this evening if you’d like to free Willy. From his mouth, not mine. Um, yeah, so -

Sebastian says something salacious about getting it “from YOUR mouth”.

Rob: That didn’t sound right.

Richard: That didn’t sound right, Robbie!

Which is patently untrue, as it sounded exactly how Sebastian meant it to sound.

Rob: “From his mouth, not yours”?

Richard: You wanna see him free Willy from his mouth?

Rob: So what we’re saying is Sebastian is going to attempt to free Willy with his own mouth.

Richard: Not mine.

Rob: Not yours.

Richard: Not mine. Quick note: if your name is Willy, get the hell out of this building right now. You’re in danger. Your safety is in danger.

#ahbl4 transcripts #sebastian roche #richard speight jr #matt cohen #rob benedict

whitmerule

Richard, Matt, and Robbie on playing other SPN characters.

Fan: What would happen if you all played each other’s characters?

Richard: The show would not have been as interesting. I can’t imagine anybody - because we get this question now and then, about who would play another character if we could, what would it be - and I’m always hesitant to answer it, because I think - the show is so well cast! Everybody does such a lovely job in their roles that I wouldn’t want to step in the shoes of you, of you, of Sebastian, wouldn’t want to take over Castiel. Those roles are just so well done by the people who do them that I... Now, from a fun standpoint, purely - I wouldn’t want to take the role from the actor, because they’re great, but just in my head would it be fun, it would have been fun to be Lucifer. I think that would’ve been neat. But Pellegrino’s a genius, so I would never take that mantle off him.

Rob: You could’ve rocked that.

Richard: No. Don’t lie, Robbie.

Matt: Come on, Rich. Stay with me, buddy.

Rob: You would have killed it and you know it!

Richard: Don’t pull that BS on me, Robbie! Not in a panel!

Matt: I don’t even like to answer this question. I mean, I would like to play any of those roles that are so beautifully written, the double character roles, you know -

Misha (suddenly from the back): My god, you guys are such kiss-asses!

Audience screams - a lot of them hadn’t noticed he was there.

Richard (over Misha shouting something else I can’t catch, though it sounds like him mocking them with ‘OH I WOULD NEVER’s): Here’s the thing - you - you would think we were absolutely kissing a ton of ass, except for the fact that we’ve already been fired.

Rob: Yeah! Really easy to say when you’ve still got a part in the show!

Misha: Yeah, you can say that, but in the green room it’s all “Hey, hey Mish, is there anything you think can do to get me -”

Richard: Sure, buddy, and you know what?

Misha (still talking, but hard to make out unmiked under the audience reaction and Richard): “... write a little letter, help me out? Maybe you [...?] I’m not sure if I’ve written too many letters to him already?”

Richard: Here’s my question, though - how many oiled-down full-body rubs are going to get you to write that letter for me? You keep saying -

Sebastian: I love that he’s talking about letters and not email. You live in [...drowned out under audience reaction, but it was a crack about him living in the Dark Ages, or equivalent.]

Rob: Sending it by horseback is not going to work.

Matt: My inkwell’s out! Can I borrow your quill?

Richard: No, seriously, would you write a letter? I mean, wouldn’t kill you.

#ahbl4 transcripts #rob benedict #richard speight jr #matt cohen #misha collins

whitmerule

Matt Cohen, Rob Benedict, and RSJ on hearing of slash fiction

Matt: Weirdest fan experience, guys?

Richard: I remember the first time somebody ever asked me about slash fiction at a panel, and I remember thinking at that moment “... Slash writes books? He’s a wonderfully gifted musician, I feel like, sure, he could write a nice crime thriller, you know. Yeah, I would read Slash’s fiction!” ... Turns out that’s not what it is, kids.

Rob: I think it depends on who you are, because my first reaction was “Can I be in one? Is this room taken? Oh, there’s a sock on the door, I’ll...” What about you, Matt? Did you -

Richard: How much slash fiction do you read? How deep into it are you?

Matt: All of it. And it does weird things to me! On the inside.

Rob: I bet it does.

#ahbl4 transcripts #matt cohen #richard speight jr #rob benedict

whitmerule

Rob, Richard, and Matt: The Airplane Story (AHBL4 con, Melbourne)

This is literally the first question of the panel, and it resulted in THE STORY which you may have heard about, and if you haven't, you need to read it right now.

Richard: Okay, I’m going in here right now, I’m gonna - yep - little - young lady, start us off with questions, or comments, or whatever! Here we go, hi!

Fan: Hi! Your tweet the other day about QANTAS (an Australian airline, and yes, it’s spelt in all caps), not very impressed - what are your worst flight stories?

Richard (absolutely stoked by this): HEY! That makes a GREAT segue!

Matt: Thank you for that!

Richard: Thank you! Come on, come on! (They all run to the front and start setting up the ‘stage’, thrilled that they get to tell The Story.) Robbie, we need you for this! Now listen, you two, your seats are going to be right here, I’m over here. (Two chairs on one side, another on its own facing the same direction, so that Matt and Rob are sitting on one side of the plane’s ‘aisle’ and Richard alone across the aisle from them.) So, Robbie, get in there. I’m going to have nothing to do with this, so... (At this point, this video starts - it runs for about a minute and a half.) Rob, you can take the mike, if you want.

Matt: This is the window -

Rob: I’ve got a mike! (pointing to his little lapel mike, leans backwards to talk into it)

Richard: Oh, right! (leans backwards as well to mimic Rob, then tries balancing his hand-held mike on his chest and walking around like that)

Matt (to Rob): Get in the window seat. (Matt and Rob sit down.)

Richard: Alright! (still standing up, addressing the person who asked the question) So this - your flying question, which is legitimate, there’s a lot of - I’ll give you a little backstory before we start. I don’t like to fly. (Matt and Rob shake their heads solemnly.) Matt Cohen does not like to fly. (Matt shakes his head.) Rob Benedict? Could care less. Nothing fazes him, easy-cheesy, nothing bothers Rob Benedict. I literally - I think it’s fair to say, even in the Matt-Richard combo, (to Matt) I’m a more nervous flyer than you are.

Matt: For sure.

Richard: So that - when Matt and I fly together, we’re two nervous dudes, and I’m the more nervous of the two. So, we flew all the way here together, and every time it’s bumpy I get up in the window, I take his headphones off, to say “do you think we’re going to die”... so that sets us up for flying last night. This is why your question was so apt - we were like, “I wonder if this it’ll come up,” and it comes up.

Matt: Perfect segue.

#richard speight jr #matt cohen #rob benedict #ahbl4 #ahbl4 transcripts

whitmerule

Richard and Matt at AHBL Melbourne (plus bonus Rob because he just didn't leave)

Richard: Speaking of very very smart men who work together all the time, Matt and I’ve been doing this side by side, in lock-step, for four years! (Audience begins to cheer, but -) AND STILL TODAY during the photo ops, he was like, “we really hugged her hard, hey Rob?” I’m like “... I’m Richard.” “Huh?” Still calls me Rob. Makes no sense.

Rob: Wishful thinking, maybe.

Richard (faux-astonished): That’s what you said at the time!

Rob: I was trying it again!

Richard (laughing): Just testing out for -

Rob: I mean, look at us, man - we’re kind of doppelgangers, I mean...

Richard: I know! 38 regulars... I get it! Same blazer size...

Rob: 38 short.

Richard (sympathetically): Yeah. There’s only an inch and a half difference, Robbie. But it’s an angry inch and a half.

(I will have the full transcript of the panel under the 'ahbl4 transcripts' tag once it's done!)

#ahbl4 #ahbl4 transcripts #rob benedict #richard speight jr #matt cohen

whitmerule

Matt Cohen and Richard Speight Jr at AHBL Melbourne

#R (to some people with a banner): I like your art! I’m looking at this, and it says (taking it from them and holding it up for everyone to see) “We love you Richard Speight Jr” - which is me, which is cool -

#M: Thanks for including me.

#R: - and I look for a second, though, and this art - it’s lovely art, it’s not you, it’s me - (it’s the text surrounded by two cartoonish fluffy wings, fairly rounded) I thought it was two brains. Two brains!

#M: You know, Rich -

#R: “WE LOVE YOU RICHARD SPEIGHT JR! BRAIN, BRAIN!”

#M: You know what they say - two brains don’t make a right!

#R: It’s so true, Matt. So true.

#M: ... I don’t know where I was going with that joke.

#ahbl4 #ahbl4 melbourne #ahbl4 transcripts #matt cohen #richard speight jr