i don’t post on this ever. but i don’t have nowhere else i can get this off. and i just need to yell into the void for a minute. and i know no one will see it here.
it’s been 3 years since we lost my dawg. and every year it get a lil harder. i ain’t ever really celebrate the 4th anyway, but it takes on a whole new meaning now. we celebrating his life. but i have such a hard time celebrating anything. it’s eating me up today more than usual. i feel so selfish. i go through these long periods of deep depression where i have days i wish i wasn’t here anymore. where i don’t even wanna push. and how can i even sit here and say that shit. when my boy was so full of life, so beloved by everyone, and they took his shit from him? i still have mine and i don’t even appreciate it half the time. i see everybody all fucked up and think maybe it shoulda been me. he’d appreciate the gift. and less people woulda been hurt. and i know he’d smack the shit out me for saying this. 3 years later. and i still can’t believe it had to be you. one of the most genuine people i ever met. you deserved so much more, that’s why we keep you alive thru us every day. i gotta try and live the way you’d want us to, the way you did. not like this. so my goal til we meet again is to appreciate what i have, block all this pain and these bad thoughts out, and be happy i’m here. not wanna be gone. want to be here. deserve to be here. watch over our steps bro. we love you. long as we here, you always will be. i just hope we make you proud.