Hey you mentioned the book ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ at some point in the past few days. I just wanted to thank you! It’s a very good book, and is helping me untangle some bad coping mechanisms I’ve been falling back into lately that were just making hard life things harder. Also I am crying a lot, but in a good way.
Questions I couldn’t ask myself at the beginning of my deconversion because it would have been too overwhelming and painful:
There are a lot of things I know just not to talk about (meetings, child training, etc.) Who is protected by my silence?
Are the people I trust most also the source of the most pain and negativity in my life? Why do I still trust them more than the people who don’t hurt me, who I enjoy being around?
Why are things so much better when I’m not at home?
What if there isn’t actually an apocalypse coming? What if I’m actually going to live a normal life with a job and school and friends and stuff? What if all my apocalypse training that I thought was so valuable is actually something I’ll never use, and I missed out on learning skills useful for the life I’ll actually be living: like math and video games and parking meters?
What if I don’t believe God is good?
What if I do believe God is good, when I know the Bible very well and am fully aware that God did terrible things to innocent people-to kids and babies-what kind of person would that make me, to still follow this God and to tell others that he’s the very definition of love and goodness?
What if I want to date a girl? Why is dating a girl a sin, when it would hurt literally no one and would make both of us really happy?
Why are my non christian friends kinder to me and nicer to be around than my Christian friends? Why are they more dependable, less judgemental?
Why does the language outsiders use to describe my life seem so much harsher than insider language? Why do the words I use not seem to convey what actually happened, to outsiders?
Why is kindness wrong so often? Why do I have to stop myself from feeling empathy in order to do what I believe is right so much? Why can’t I just squeeze my friend’s hand and tell her I love her and she’s going to be okay when she tells me she’s getting an abortion? Why do I have to tell her about other options, why does it feel like I’m pushing her away when I’m doing everything I’ve been told a thousand times will save her and will be loving?
If my parents love me so much, why can’t I just call to say hi? Why don’t they ever call me just to say hi? Why can’t I tell them about my life without causing serious repercussions? Why is everything so formal and why do I always end up in tears and confused when I go home, but I can just hang out with friends and laugh about memes even on bad days?
Why is it so beautiful on the outside? Why don’t I want to go home? Why such instant fear when I see people I know from church, from the mission board, from my family?
Why does my dad’s name on my phone, or his footsteps on the stairs, or his truck tires on the driveway, fill me with dread when I say all the time that he’s a great dad and I love him so much?
Why is witnessing so hard, why do I have to force myself to do it? Why does it feel like I’m intruding on people’s personal lives, when I think it’s such a good thing for them? Why isn’t being a missionary nice?
This is the kind of thing I dealt with after leaving that I didn’t know anyone else did, because I never met or talked to anyone else who had left outside my own family.
It didn't occur to me that the catholicism i grew up with was a cult until read your blog. Thanks
[Standard reminder to all readers: I can in no way diagnose whatever specific group anonymous internet strangers are from with “Cult” because I have likely never studied or even interacted with those groups and also I’m a non-qualified person on the internet and also the word “cult” is complicated and not always helpful, to say the least.]
I wish you every thing you need to heal and grow and be okay, anon! 💙💙💙💙
"Perfection and power are overrated. I think you were very wise to choose happiness and love." The character Iroh says that to Aang in Avatar the Last Airbender. I want you to hear that as well, this coming from a person who is currently in a high-demand group. You don't know how much your blog has helped me. I wish you a happy and fulfilling life ahead, whoever you are. <3
🫂🫂🫂🫂
Kind words like these have helped me more than I can explain. I wish you a happy and fulfilling life too! <3
Hi um, I just wanted to say that I read your blog and I am so much rooting for you, anonymous person on the internet. I get really happy when you post about something like, reading books for fun. I’m halfway across the world but I’m sitting here reading that and smiling and thinking: good for her! Enjoy things! I’m so glad you get to do that now! Also, maybe you already thought of this or it doesn’t work for you but for me, showering with the lights out can be a relief when I don’t have the spoons for yet another battle that day. And: Tonke Dragt has written some incredible books. Love!
hey so my mom got entangled with these people and it’s starting to seem more and more culty. i kinda got dragged into it too but once they started calling me my deadname and say how beautiful i was before my transition (my mom gave them acess to this) and how they’re really only trying to make me love myself truly it kinda irked me and i had to distance myself. but how can i help her? my dad tried to call her back to reality so now she’s divorcing him and went away to a “spiritual temple” to live with those people
It is very difficult to have a loved one join an abusive group like that. I don’t know how best to help, other than to just let her know she’s loved and to try, in your conversations, to bring her attention to the positive connections and memories she has with her life outside the group. I’m not a professional counselor or anything, if you are struggling I would highly recommend therapy (it’s helped me a lot.)
Take care of yourself!! It’s important. I wish you peace and stability. 💚💚💚
The quote “I used to just be not good enough, now I’m not good at all” kinda hits a bit of the apostate experience... so hard to convince myself I’m good without god sometimes :(
You’re made of good, made of gold, my friend.
You aren’t evil because you left.
You are real and capable of good and wonderful things.
idk who else tovtell this to but ive kept it bottled up and never told it tovanyone even after years of therapy. tw csa -- i only remembered my abuse like 8 yrs ago in my late teens and ive grappled w what exactly it all was. i have no one to confirm anything that happened outside my own memories. ive just called it a p*do ring since the memories surfaced but there was always some underlying ritual vibes and it specifically alligned w a folk religion in my rural area and i think it could have had cult tendencies but i really dont know. i have no way of knowing besides what i remember and thats not a whole hell of a lot. i dont think my memories will ever truly be validated or proven. i feel like the whole situation was already so unbelievable if i said it was a cult too everyone who believed me before would give up entirely on me ao i just keep that aspect to myself but i want to share with someone so im sharing it w u. idk if it would be ok to tell u any specifics it scares me a lot but i want to. i dont want to upset u tho... u seem like a rlly good person sorry for this long message
Implausible trauma kids unite! 🤝
Having fractured memories is not fun at all. I’m glad you have therapy! I wish you all the things you need to heal and to grow. If you’re looking for any kind of professional advice or support, I’m not the person for that (I have no professional training.)
But I CAN say that no one should ever have abused you, and you deserve to find peace.
I always feel kind of bad for saying "I'm a cult survivor" because the cult I was in worked very differently to how people think of them as? I was allowed to watch most normal TV, it was just heavily moderated by parents. I was allowed to go to a school with non-cult children after the age of 11, I just wasn't allowed to listen to their "anti-religious propaganda" or hang out with any of them after school. I was allowed to read most normal books, I was just told that they were all written from a heavily religious perspective (Harry Potter was allowed, for example, but I had to read it through the lens of "Chosen Son defeats Devil"). There was physical punishment, but I wasn't starved or forced to do physical labour.
I was allowed to do a lot of things normal kids were allowed to do, just with a heavily moderated and specific lens through which to look at the world. But the fact that I wasn't forced to only consume cult media or only read the Bible or only go to school with other cult members etc. makes me feel like it ""wasn't enough of a cult"" for me to say I survived one.
Cults are one type of abusive group, there are other types too! If you feel the term “cult” doesn’t seem like it fits your experience, that’s okay and it doesn’t necessarily mean you weren’t part of an abusive group and definitely doesn’t mean that whatever pain or damage you experienced wasn’t real.
Leaving a “lens” of intense religious perspective is common in most scenarios of deconversion, regardless of whether or not the person was in a cult. Many abusive parents are influenced by groups and religious leaders, and that can make it difficult to separate out who was responsible for the abuse in retrospect.
I am continually frustrated by the lack of more precise (or just more) words for these things, as I research and talk to people. There are definitely a lot of elements in cults, that are crucial to how they operate, which are not present in a lot of stories of people who experienced similar pain.
It’s okay if your story is complicated.
It’s okay if you identify with parts of the experiences people who left cults describe, and not with others. Abuse occurs in many different settings. Religion exists in many different settings. Isolation takes many forms.
I’m sorry for whatever hurt you’ve gone through, you deserve peace, you deserve to heal. 🫂
This is why it’s nice to talk to other people who have left.
Its good to be accepted. It’s good when people get your jokes. It’s nice to not have to explain how it all went down before you can just talk about your life. It’s nice to be with people who are growing in some of the same ways. It helps you feel less alien.
Talking about my parents is weird. I... I love them, obviously, but their relationship is unhealthy, from the bottom to the top.
My mom was 13 and my dad was 17 when they started dating. That’s fucked up, right? How do I cope with that?
Yeah, I know they were raised in the cult and thought it was okay, I know my dad was and still is being abused, but.
GOD this is so fucked up.
I’m sorry things feel so weird. I don’t have any way to help, but if you feel alone just know you’re definitely not the only one in this type of situation. And it’s fucking hard to process this kind of thing. Hang in there 💜
Honestly I think my dad spanking me in the past and threatening it currently is why I flinch when he goes to hug me or give me any other form of physical affection
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