psst hi im alive

hi its me just popping in after like a fucking decade to say that life is significantly worse, my mental health is at an all time low, and basically im hanging on by a thread and would welcome a premature death. 

I don’t know what else to do. 

I have such good friends and I wish that fact meant more to me. 

and the shit thing is I could totally tell him how I’ve been having these feely feelings for him - I’m actually really good at telling people that kind of shit and I don’t get nervous about doing it, and doing it usually makes me feel hella better, even if the feelings aren’t returned. 

But even though it would make me feel better I’m p sure it would just make things worse for this dude, so like. 

Nope. 

just

god I feel so fucking useless right now lmao. 

What good am I, even. 

i just want to fucking cry but I don’t want to do it alone but I don’t want to do it with just anybody, either. 

Why can’t I find solace in myself anymore. 

Or maybe I never could, but

why does it suddenly hurt THIS much. 

Why can’t someone else be strong for me this time lmao. 

Why do I always have to do it on my fucking own. 

Help.

I don’t really post here anymore. 

Everything is bad and feels heavy and gray and thick. 

I only log back into this blog to peep how one particular person is doing. It’s weird because it’s somebody I hella crushed on from afar (a-very-far) and idk, I never said anything because there’d be literal no point in saying anything - in fact, there’d be like... a negative amount of points in saying anything. 

But it just sucks so much because I kind of really love the dude in a way that isn’t quite romantic - because let’s be real, I never got to know him well enough to love him like that - but I just. Think he’s hella fantastic and special and sometimes I think about how content I’d probably feel to just chill with him and listen to him talk about stuff and things. 

But like. Idk, man. Idfk. Everything feels so bad in life right now. 

I’m doing the best that I can, and a lot of people would even say that I’m doing hella great - way better than some people are able to manage - but no one is allowing me to be proud of my successes. There is a whole One Thing right now that I’m not doing so great at, and nobody will let me forget it. 

It just feels like such utter shit, to know that I can be doing as well as I’m doing and still have it mean absolutely nothing to the people who have control over my life and my future - parents, professors, (potential) employers...

And I just. 

I want to find solace in the things that I’m great at - I want to think about what a bomb-ass writer I am and be proud of the fact that I could probably make something of myself in that field if I ever got the chance. I wanna be proud that even though I’m doing abysmally in math, I’m still trying as hard as I fucking can, and NO ONE can tell me that I’m not. I have an A average in music history and in piano skills, which are both classes that I failed the first time because they were so hard for me. 

So like... goddamn, I have so much to be proud of right now. 

And I’ve had to sacrifice so much practice time on violin in order to accomplish this. And I fucking KNOW that it isn’t ideal, but it is what it motherfucking is, and if I could do both at the same time, don’t these pieces of shit think I WOULD? For three and a half years now I’ve let my academics rot on the back-burner for the sake of practicing 5+ hours a day. I let that shit be more important than anything else, and now look where I am: Having to graduate an entire year late (possibly even more) because I had to focus more on playing than on studying. 

And now, in my last year, I make the decision for myself that it’s time to start doing what I need to do to get my fucking degree and get OUT, and everyone is angry at me for not prioritizing my instrument anymore. 

I’m not fucking sorry. 

I’m NOT fucking sorry and I resent that they are taking away my ability to feel proud of how far I’ve come in academics. 

So like...

I just wish that if I can’t be allowed to find solace in myself, that I could at least find it in someone who means a lot to me and to whom I mean a lot. Idk. The sort of someone who would just fuckin stay on the phone with me all night or force themselves to stay awake on skype so I wouldn’t have to be alone just hating myself into the early morning hours. 

Like idk. 

I just wanna be told that where I’m at is okay. And I wanna be told that with my shoulder blades against his chest and his lips by my ear and I want the goddamn luxury of letting someone else hold me together for a change. 

I’m feeling so fragile. 

And I get like this, and I think about this fucking dude, and god fucking damn, I wish it wasn’t so hopeless and useless.  

oops

Judging a woman for who she chooses to sleep with will never ever ever be a feminist action. :D

Like idk if you're gonna have the gall to appropriate AAVE, at least have the decency to use it tastefully. 

I don't usually join in on shitstorms but I'm still dying with laughter over the fact that AIA apparently never responded to the message I sent her calling out her constant appropriation and butchering of AAVE. 

Lmao.