tw: rape.

So I have no one to talk to, and no one to talk to about this, because I feel like I brought it upon myself. It’s been making me sick to my stomach every day, because I know I caused it.

I was at a friend’s party a couple months ago, and we were doing regular college student things. Playing beer pong, taking shots, listening to music, and just in general having a good time. It was a good party, and everyone was kind. It was what happened after hours that has shaken me to my core. There was a man that I met through a friend a while back. He was significantly older than me, but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t be friends right? We had been bothering me for months about hanging out. I knew he had a little crush on me, but I didn’t mind it. I didn’t think it would end like this. Around 2am when things started to settle down I told him that he could come over, we could talk, and he would go home. I was so unbelievably wrong. He came to the house, and since everyone was asleep, we went to talk in the room I was sleeping in that night. My friend’s brothers room. The walls were a deep purple and his bearded dragon sat in a beautifully decorated tank on the desk. We talked normally. Carried on regular conversation about life and how we had been doing, and then he gets closer. I don’t mind, because I thought it was all in innocence. Then I felt his lips on my shoulder. I froze in fear, and all I said was “please don’t”. I was piss drunk and raped by a strange man in my friends home. I invited him there. I took him to the room it happened in. I hate myself for not fighting back harder, but I hardly knew what was going on. When I realized what was happening it was already too late. I am so sick with myself. I am fucking disgusted and I cannot believe I let that happen. Why didn’t I say anything? Why didn’t I tell someone? Did he hear me saying “no”, “please don’t”? Is it my fault this happened? Am I the one to blame?