how to fuck vampires in a God Honoring Way

other people's excellent hcs about this very idea have been floating around for ages! but I'll take a stab (note that these are all in some au where preserving their anonymity no longer matters)

esme - has a facebok, a pinterest (recipes, art, architecture) and a pretty lowkey instagram, sort of like your aunt's. it's mostly pictures of her kids and garden with the occasional exquisite art piece or handicraft thrown in with some casual boomer-speak caption like "threw this together today..." [it's an incredibly detailed bronze sculpture of da vinci's vitruvian man]

emmett - it's a common fanon hc that he and the pack would be very into making Jackass-style tiktoks and I agree. no notes except that he's also a twitch streamer duh

bella - has a Book Twitter, a goodreads, and an aesthetic/literary tumblr devoted mainly to moodboards of bronte novels and light/dark academia

rosalie - has been banned from twitter since 2014. charity IG influencer whose page is 90% selfies/collabs with alice and 10% emmett. thriving finsta. has never once used an emoji

alice - twitter where she roasts celebrity fashion choices + IG full of ootd/aesthetic/travel pics and very occasionally a photo of jasper or bella attempting to hide from the camera

jasper - has a private instagram and twitter he never uses except to like alice's pictures/tweets (and, on exactly one occasion, to catfish ben shap*ro)

carlisle - "so I connected with Mr. Webber on Linkedin the other day"

edward - crypto bro

this is exactly correct

lol anon I love that scenario. feels so accurate that a) jasper is definitely The Mediator in a lot of disputes and b) he definitely has Rules about who he is allowed to influence and when and rosalie is the one calling him out if he dares to Cheat

like, jasper and alice probably had that conversation early on in their relationship, and then when they showed up at the cullens' place, there was probably some kind of group discussion about who's comfortable having their emotions tweaked and in what circumstances vs who categorically refuses help (rosalie.)

but even rosalie gets curious, and she has bad days, and I bet eventually she caved and asked/allowed jasper to influence her. I think she would hate the idea of him softening her anger in any way (forbidden!), but might like to be artificially lifted out of her sadness on occasion (especially if she feels like she's hurting emmett.)

but she also dislikes the idea of "cheating" at anything, or changing herself to be more palatable to others, so I think it's very rare that she requests jasper's help that way. as for the rest of the family:

edward - absolutely not, he wants to stew in abject misery forever. he is a foul loathsome damnèd being who doesn't DESERVE to feel joy

esme - sometimes requests an emotion boost! she's all right with dwelling on sad memories, but she doesn't want to get bogged down feeling depressed about things she can't change—she'd rather find the energy to keep moving forward and appreciate what she has

carlisle - doesn't really need much help, and is a bit of an emotional purist who, like rosalie, doesn't want to "cheat." lowkey wishes he had jasper's power for himself, though—he'd like to understand other people's feelings better

alice - jasper is Allowed to use his gift on her under certain circumstances (cheering up, removing anxiety, and sometimes during sex.) they also have a more general understanding that he can try his luck at other random times, because she has a better sense than the others of when he is/isn't using his gift and will simply say no if she doesn't want him to

emmett - "yeah dude go nuts just don't make me horny in the middle of algebra II or whatever"

lmao no but you’re absolutely right anon

I feel like the answer there is sort of…yes and no?

on the one hand, like you said, it’s probably easier to resist humans in everyday settings if you can just chug one down later as an afternoon snack. you can probably resist getting up in the middle of gym class to drain suzy johnson like a capri sun if you tell yourself you’ll just kill her later, in private.

but on the other hand, if you have zero practice resisting human blood, then once it’s actually been spilled, I’m guessing you have NO ability to resist whatsoever. like, when bella gets a papercut in NM, all of the cullens but jasper do a pretty decent job resisting, and removing themselves from the situation. 

but if human bella had gotten a papercut around peter and charlotte, or benjamin and siobhan…nope. they’d just kill her, because however nice they are, none of them have ever tried to resist human blood.

take victoria, who has every reason to want to resist bella’s blood in eclipse—her life literally depends on it. and yet she still goes into Vampire Feeding Frenzy Mode because she can’t help it. if she’d been a vegetarian vampire, she would have had a much better chance of keeping her cool and focusing on the fight.

not ticklish: bella, esme

a normal amount of ticklish: alice, rose, jasper

extremely ticklish, don’t even breathe on me I’m gonna die: emmett, carlisle

edward and rosalie are the reason competitions of any kind are strictly banned in the cullen house…it’s participation trophies only for these snowflakes

and I know it doesn’t work with canon timelines, but consider:

 edbella spend halloween together while bella is still human. she decides she wants to carve a pumpkin and thus begins the most harrowing hour of edward’s life as he watches bella jerk an enormous knife haphazardly through the pumpkin, coming this close to slicing off an appendage several times

bella: you know technically I’d be safer doing this if you weren’t here

edward:

tbh the internal clash of child vs adult qualities in physically young but centuries old vampires is one of the most FASCINATING things about the series to me, I adore hcing about it and whiny teen punk Jane is an amazing concept I will love until the day I die

ok ok here goes. hc #1 has to do with this new moon quote:

see that? every thought. so when he touched alice’s hand, I think aro got all her human memories, including the memories of her bond with her creator.

and then he just…decided not to mention it. filed the info away for future use. (he’s hoping he can use it as an incentive to tempt her to join the volturi someday. “come to the dark side…we have cookies your memories”)

and it’s not a super detailed backstory, but hc #2 has to do with alice’s creator’s gift. I imagine he was some kind of healer in his human life, and his vampire gift was the ability to take away pain. when he bites alice and is about to go to his death, he decides his final gift to her will be to ease the pain of her transformation, so he turns his gift Up To Eleven and uses it on her, then leaves.

but he’d never used his gift at that intensity before, and instead of just taking away her physical pain and stopping there, it takes away all of her painful memories, which is—you guessed it—all of them. (even happy memories of her family and her creator are painful in hindsight because of her family’s rejection and her creator’s sacrifice. the gift is like a tumblr algorithm only it flags everything as BAD PAIN instead of “this post has been marked Explicit”)

I go back and forth on whether I see alice’s creator as a doctor or groundskeeper/hired help type figure, but I lean toward the second thing. First because I want carlisle to be Unique And Special, and second because I think if you eat humans you have to move around a lot to avoid suspicion so it’s tough to hold more visible jobs.

I kind of imagine him like saoirse ronan’s character in byzantium: the kind of human-eating vampire who specifically looks for people he can mercy-kill, prey he can put out of their misery. the poor conditions in asylums (malnutrition, disease, etc) led to high death rates, so it would make sense for him to “hunt” there.

I think edward has a much farther range than most vampires. He can hear thoughts for miles, whereas for most others, the range seems to be either a) 0 inches, they need touch (aro, kate, resume) or else like…seeing/hearing distance (I think jane, who needs visual contact, is probably an “average” range.)

jasper’s gift is interesting, in that we’re told no information about his range at all. in the hotel in AZ in twilight, bella goes into the next room to avoid its effects, but it seems like she’s still in range, he’s just respecting her wish for privacy/not to be influenced.

in fic/fanon, people seem to give his gift the same characteristic as edward’s and alice’s, where familiar people are easier to find/feel from a distance. that’s kind of how I see it. I imagine that any farther than immediate seeing/hearing distance, emotions all blur together and it’s tough to sort out which are whose, except when it comes to close friends and family. for example, I imagine he could stand a block from the hospital and tell you how carlisle’s feeling, but no one else.

but actually that’s a bad idea definitely do not allow jasper near any hospitals lmao

ok folks i’m about to start swinging writing five paragraph essays you’ve been warned

so this is a really interesting question! first I have to talk about whether she’d even want kids, which to me has slightly different answers in canon vs au situations.

and s/o to @pathokinessis for swapping hcs with me about this ages ago!

yes, I have seen that one! I like it. My favorite horror!cullens thing is that other post where instead of glittering in the sun, they turn into scary, ugly versions of themselves in proportion with their Sins a la Dorian Gray (hell yeah HELL YEAH)

crying blood’s cool. very 2000s anime vibes. it could be extra ominous if it made them thirsty, like how human crying makes you dehydrated. don’t piss off a vampire, but also don’t make a vampire sad…

eta: here’s the one anon referenced, thanks @demidorkon!

funnily enough, I don’t think either of them uses “baby”—that’s 100% emmett and rose’s thing. I think alice sometimes gets “darlin’” and jasper very occasionally hears “my love” but for the most part they just use each other’s names.

the “jazz” thing, though. I think that is so wild. like just imagine, for a second, that you’re jasper. it’s 1948 and you are a 104-year-old vampire with a body count in the thousands and for the entire century + of your existence, people—even the ones you were closest to—have addressed you with respect and formality, using “sir” or your rank or your full name, and then out of the blue this beautiful undead hobbit angel you met in a random fucking diner just suddenly addresses you, a tortured and brooding former mass murderer, 

as 

“jazz.” 

oh, for sure. but I think they’re very good at picking their battles.

alice is a sneaky lil hoe who rarely ever starts an argument unless she knows she can win it. Take this passage from eclipse where bella wants to be changed in order to up the numbers for the fight with victoria’s army, for example:

while edward stiffens up and seems about to Start Some Shit, alice keeps her cool and just. decisively destroys bella’s argument with logic. boom, drama averted.

granted, there are times when alice insists on arguing with bella or edward about frivolous stuff, and those she usually wins by wearing them down. but when it comes to big deal arguments, she didn’t come to fucking play. she’s a results-oriented person.

and jasper, for his part, is the kind of person who doesn’t sweat the small stuff at all. being a literal empath also puts him in a fairly unique position, allowing him to feel alice’s emotions when they argue and therefore have a better understanding of where she’s coming from than most people would. on the flip side, I don’t think alice’s guilt tripping ever works on him the way it does on bella, because he can 100% tell when she’s faking it.

in midnight sun, edward tells us that alice and jasper “know each other’s every mood as well as their own,” so I think they’re able to see arguments coming from a mile away, and sort of meet each other halfway most of the time. 

in conclusion, they don’t argue argue very often, but when they do it’s usually over something incredibly serious and not at all clear-cut, and then the rest of the cullens know to hold onto their fucking hats