I WANT TO BELIEVE!

sjs it is the 21st night of september. it is the day to remember. it is THE DAY

sjs: we're alive at the same time

sjs, I'm in a Tolkien workshop that's about Mythopoeia in Tolkien and Tolkien's literary tradition, and you have no idea how happy this makes me 🥹

this is a weird small joy but bear with me. you'll understand why I see this as a joy:

something I heard recently made me think of how learning to unmask when you're late diagnosis, and dealing with "skill regression" and all the other struggles associated to it, is like realising the life you lead was going to kill you.

it wasn't a possibility. it is a reality. it is going to kill you, because it'll demand that you always sacrifice the most authentic version of you you can be to conformity. we think the only way to protect ourselves in a world that is not made for us, is to wither away until we're nothing but wraiths of everything we once were. of everything one day we could actually become.

and you have to learn how to live again, because part of you does die with this process. you have to learn how to bury that version of yourself that is terrified of being their neurodivevergent self, and become one that is not. not because we aren't afraid still, but because fear to be doesn't get the last word.

the small joy is this: it is a quiet autumn morning with the golden, late morning light filtering through the leaves outside your apartment window, and a new breakfast you felt like trying and were successful with. the small joy is we live right by the cemetery where out past versions lie, but even if we see them out of their graves from time to time, we are not commanded by it. we live next to it. but we are not it, nor we live in it.

imagine how pretty it would be: a colourful house next to a small graveyard and next to it the most flamboyant and rampantly alive, stubbornly alive, garden you've ever seen.

the small joy is this: you died and came back and you didn't come back the same but everything you once were, and learnt from it, is now nurturing that garden.

the small joy is this: you made that garden. and it is a testament we do, in fact, get to live

Alright, math redone: we've known each other for 2,018 per August 18th, 2018 to today

it's been 2,004 days since september 2018. i've known you for almost 6 years aka 2,004 days and you fucking decided to stop hating yourself. THINGS DO HAPPEN DREAMS DO COME TRUE HOPE IS REAL, I'M NEVER FORGETTING TODAY

happy birthday. i love you now and always, you deserve the world, and i could even say that you put the boom boom into my heart. you make my soul sky-high when your loving starts, a jitterbug into my brain goes bang bang bang til my feet do the same. but somethings bugging me, something ain’t right, my best friend told me what you did last night. you left me sleeping in my bed i was dreaming but i should’ve been with you instead— WAKE ME UP

MUGOFSOUP ERA

small joys saturday!! we're alive and we are becoming all that we always needed to be, but never thought we could or would

i’m holding hands with you always