Oh Thranduil, your inner piemaker is showing.

one husband is having a temper tantrum while the other is reassuring him that he looks good 😂

#neverforget the time that Bella wore a full length khaki skirt to meet Edward’s family and he basically lost it because he thought she looked so sexy

the mormon really jumps out in this paragraph

“YOUR SAVIOUR IS HERE!” -Loki

not to be a history fucker on main but the whole mystery of the lost colony of roanoke is so fucking funny

governor of the colony: hey I’m gonna go back to england to get more supplies

115 colonists: okay

governor: ends up spending 3 years in england bc of a naval war with spain or some shit

governor: gets back to the colony to find everyone gone

governer: sees the word “croatoan”, the name of a native american tribe, carved into a post

croatoan tribe: has members and children with blonde hair/blue eyes, pale skin

everyone: what could have happened to the colonists of roanoke

hi! op here. I’m fucking hyperventilating

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: A Summary

- @jistring

PUT YOUR HAND IN THAT CRACK

AND YOU WONT GET IT BACK

WHEEEEN THE JAWS OPEN WIDE

AND THERE’S MORE JAWS INSIDE

WHEN IT SWIMS ON A REEF

AND HAS TWO SETS OF TEETH

WHEN IT JUMPS FROM THE MUCK

AND YOU SCREAM “WHAT THE FUCK!?”

call me a filthy Imperial if you want, but i think Ulfric Stormcloak should have stayed gagged for the entire game

you gave up your right to regret when you decided you wanted to fuck ulfric stormcloak

Are you telling me you wouldn’t want to spend a night with the High King of Skyrim, snuggling with him in his luxurious furs, a warm fire glowing in his fireplace, his breath warming your neck as his deep, sultry voice whispers sweet nothings to you all evening?

Roses are red, that much is true, but violets are purple, not fucking blue.

I have been waiting for this post all my life.

They are indeed purple, But one thing you’ve missed: The concept of “purple” Didn’t always exist.

Some cultures lack names For a color, you see. Hence good old Homer And his “wine-dark sea.”

A usage so quaint, A phrasing so old, For verses of romance Is sheer fucking gold.

So roses are red. Violets once were called blue. I’m hugely pedantic But what else is new?

My friend you’re not wrong About Homer’s wine-ey sea! Colours are a matter Of cultural contingency;

Words are in flux And meanings they drift But the word purple You’ve given short shrift.

The concept of purple, My friends, is old And refers to a pigment once precious as gold.

By crushing up molluscs From the wine-dark sea You make a dye: Imperial decree

Meant that in Rome, to wear purpura was a privilege reserved

For only the emperor!

The word ‘purple’, for clothes so fancy, Entered English By the ninth century

.

Why then are voilets Not purple in song? The dye from this mollusc, known for so long

Is almost magenta; More red than blue. The concept of purple is old, and yet new.

The dye is red, So this might be true: Roses are purple And violets are blue

.

While this song makes me merry, Tyrian purple dyes many a hue From magenta to berry And a true purple too.

But fun as it is to watch this poetic race The answer is staring you right in the face: Roses are red and violets are blue Because nothing fucking rhymes with purple.

My head hurts from laughing at this so hard

IS THAT A SHARK?

if you watch any video today it needs to be this one

I LOVE THIS NEWSCAST AND IM NOT EVEN FROM AUSTRALIA.

#like that little cage is gonna help ya

Theyre so. Honest

Like that little cage is gonna help ya.

My favourite line in the entire thing. 😂😂😂

idk why people care so much about jon snow’s dick like he probably has the least interesting dick in westeros

Most of the good D got killed off, we’re working with what we have.

Ohmigod, choked on my tea 😂

The Queen has requested that everybody with a knighthood attend a meeting at Windsor Castle. Speaking to the sizeable crowd of ageing actors and retired musicians, she explains why - The dragons are back, and she expects that every knight will do his duty.

Everyone turns and looks at Ian McKellen.

“Oh Christ,” he says. “If only Christopher Lee were still here. Then we might have a chance.”

Sir Patrick Stewart steps up to Sir Ian’s side and with a deep sigh hands him a sword; “That would be ideal, but, we are what the world has. Buck up, darling.”

Sir Ian, unsheathes the sword with a dramatic flourish. It catches the light in an heroic fashion, before he lowers to the ground.

“What is that noise?”

Her Majesty and all of the knights peer at the horizon, where a cloud of smoke is rising. A young BBC reporter rushes up and dithers as they aren’t sure on the protocol for this situation. They sort of bob generally at everyone.

“Erm, erm Dame Helen Miriam has lead the ladies of the realm, and erm, erm the dragons have retreated.”

A thick silence falls over the crowd of knights. It is broken by a single voice, that of the Queen;

“Oh jolly good. The ladies said if I distracted the chaps they would handle matters.So, now that is done, One supposes you would all like refreshments of some sort?”