ultralaser

continuing the endless series of realizing how poorly the star wars saga treated leia, it occurs to me suddenly that seeing luke, the son he only found out about a couple years ago, be tortured by palpatine is finally enough to break vader’s dark side conditioning

but finding out he also has a daughter five minutes earlier elicits NO REACTION

there is no version of anakin from the clone wars + prequels who spends twenty years as darth vader, finds out his child by padme survived! and is alive! and is being trained by obi-wan and yoda! and slowly starts scheming against palpatine’s will to turn his son, keep him alive, and overthrow the emperor

but when he finds out padme also had a second child, their daughter, who he has been manipulated by palpatine into nearly killing himself over and over, and who will now take luke’s place as the sith apprentice, leaving luke surplus to requirements and expendable, his response is just, ‘oh, neat’

????

prequel!anakin would discover leia is his daughter and IMMEDIATELY turn around and cut emperor palpatine’s fucking head off, take palpatine’s own lightsaber off of him and straight up execute him dooku style

like at this point per canon, he thinks he killed ahsoka, he thinks he’s about to kill luke, he knows he killed obi-wan and padme, every jedi, alderaan, and thouands more. his own third child that he is about to send to their death - or worse, to share his fate? that would break him more than all his own actual past sins

anyways so akin to ‘the incestuous realization of han solo’ and 'leia fucked luke and han the night bfore the medal ceremomy’, the only reading of vader’s turn that now makes sense for anakin as we know him is that he spends five minutes working out that palpatine knew about luke AND leia the whole time, and just runs up on him and yeets him into the fucking infinite abyss

how did luke and leia react when the research team leia had tasked with going through the imperial and republic archives to identify imperial war criminals and secret rebellion sympathizers, as she tried to rebuild the republic and the navy from the ashes of both, with luke spending a lot of time in her office on coruscant going through bits of recovered jedi archives, sends up some random clerk with a copy they found of darth vader’s fucking marriage certificate “yeah so darth vader was apparently this big deal war hero jedi, and he secretly got married to a senator, and it was a huge scandal in all the society papers on coruscant but it took aaages for anyone to make the connection, and so anyways also here is your birth mother’s parents home address on naboo and these are all your naberrie cousins” luke strongly considers chsnging his name to naberrie on the spot, while leia merely adds it to her increasingly long official register. leia organa-solo-skywalker-naberrie-amidala, princess of alderaan and naboo, general of the rebellion, senator of the old republic and the new, and now also apparently the proud auntie of like a dozen babies at some kind of perfectly normal family reunion where LUKE AND LEIA SKYWALKER showed up all ‘hey cuz, funny story’ and it’s only //then// they find out emperor god damn palpatine is from their fucking hometown grandma naberrie all 'yeah he was mean to dogs, i never liked him, lousy senator too’ and grandpa naberrie pipes in with 'i voted for the other guy, and he was a protocol droid’

hahaha whaaaat i don’t remember writing this but i love it

au where padme lives and raises her two children thinking that anakin died on mustafar and works behind the scenes in the rebellion

and anakin/vader thinks that he killed padme

and they both think the other is dead and vader hates the shadowy leader of the rebellion and padme hates the emperor’s black-suited attack dog

i just have a lot of ideas about this idk

this is the parent trap. this is the parent trap with luke and leia

I need them stuck together in a caved-in ancient temple somewhere and having a near-screaming argument and Padme referencing something specific to her past that Anakin was there for in the process of making a point and Vader getting mad at thinking himself mocked and just Will Not Stand for anybody bringing Padme Amidala into the argument and

Padme just

fucking takes her mask off and throws it at him and says she’ll use herself in her own arguments all she fucking well wants and it bounces off his face and she figures she’s gonna die and she’s totally not prepared for the second-in-command of the entire Empire to just fall on his knees at her feet.

I don’t even know what to follow this up with and I think neither do they.

vader - use any means neccessary, but i want them alive. (points to boba fett) //no disintegrations//.

boba fett - …

vader - //no// disintegrations, //boba fett//.

boba fett - …

vader (literally tapping on fett’s helmet) - ALIVE. //no disintegrations, boba fett//.

boba fett - …if you’re sure that’s what you want

vader (lifts boba fett off the ground with the force) - I AM BEING VERY PRECISE HERE.

boba fett - that was one time.

vader (picks up 4-lom and breaks him over his knee) - IT WAS EVERY TIME. EVERY TIME. YOU HAVE ALWAYS HAD ONE JOB.

boba fett - i just like to be thorough.

vader (throws ig-88 into a wall of monitors, the wall explodes, sending glass all over the bridge and bridge crew) - REMEMBER WHEN MACE WINDU CUT OFF YOUR FATHER’S HEAD? THAT WAS THOROUGH. DISINTEGRATING AN INTELLIGENCE ASSET IS JUST POOR RESOURCE MANAGEMENT.

boba fett - …as you wish.

vader (smooths his robes, puts 4-loms torso awkwardly back on top of his legs, takes a deep breath) - i just don’t know why you even would, when i specifically ask you, every time, not to.

boba fett - …

vader - …

boba fett - i can’t help it if i’m the best.

vader (beating boba fett with ig-88) - ONE. DAMN. THING. I. ASK. YOU. TO. DO. ONE.

boba fett - …no promises.

vader (collapses into a chair) - fine then, just do your best. god, i liked him better when he was nine.

au where padme lives and raises her two children thinking that anakin died on mustafar and works behind the scenes in the rebellion

and anakin/vader thinks that he killed padme

and they both think the other is dead and vader hates the shadowy leader of the rebellion and padme hates the emperor’s black-suited attack dog

i just have a lot of ideas about this idk

this is the parent trap. this is the parent trap with luke and leia

I need them stuck together in a caved-in ancient temple somewhere and having a near-screaming argument and Padme referencing something specific to her past that Anakin was there for in the process of making a point and Vader getting mad at thinking himself mocked and just Will Not Stand for anybody bringing Padme Amidala into the argument and

Padme just

fucking takes her mask off and throws it at him and says she’ll use herself in her own arguments all she fucking well wants and it bounces off his face and she figures she’s gonna die and she’s totally not prepared for the second-in-command of the entire Empire to just fall on his knees at her feet.

I don’t even know what to follow this up with and I think neither do they.

anakin becomes char aznable

Personally, I don’t really see anything wrong with giving Luke to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. What else was Obi-Wan gonna do? (He pretty much raised Anakin and look how that turned out, he’s not gonna risk Round 2.) (He could have given both kiddos to Bail and Breha Organa, actually. Luke and Leia Organa is a cool as heck AU.)

I like Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. As much as people like to say Luke really is Padme’s son, he didn’t get those morals from her. (Keeping in mind I have read no comics or novelizations, and not seen the Clone Wars TV show) It’s pretty clear that Luke’s iron spine and goodness and refusal to abandon his friends come from his upbringing. Owen and Beru Lars are kinda the Ma and Pa Kent of the Star Wars universe. 

And they are Luke’s family. Owen is Shmi’s stepson. Owen and Beru probably knew Anakin’s mother for years. It’s a neat circle, and in some ways it has the feelings of an apology, for Obi-Wan to bring Luke back to his family on Tatooine in the same way that Qui-Gon took Anakin. Obi-Wan can’t undo what’s been done, and he can’t start over, but he can give Luke what the Jedi denied Anakin: a loving family and normal upbringing. 

Tatooine is Darth Vader’s home planet? Yeah, sure, but did Anakin ever go back to Tatooine? (Probably once or twice, I’m guessing, in the comics at least.) Darth Vader hates that place. Bad memories. Damn sand would fuck up his suit. He’d burn it all down and then the Hutts are gonna be pissed. And how many people actually know that Darth Vader is Anakin Skywalker? Like, about five? (Bail, Obi-Wan, Yoda, R2-D2, and Ahsoka?) Dude is not exactly getting invites to school reunions and the weddings of childhood friends, is all I’m saying. 

Even if Darth Vader ever went back to Tatooine, Tatooine is a big place. The Lars Farm is in the middle of nowhere and Obi-Wan is hanging out left of the funky rock five miles past nowhere. Anakin met his stepbrother once in the entire film trilogy and idk if they even exchanged words, much less space e-mail addresses. I kind of doubt that Uncle Owen and Darth Vader are sending each other Life Day e-cards. (That’s really funny, actually.) 

Anyway, the point of this rant is that I want you to imagine new parents Owen and Beru Lars caring for toddler Luke, it’s just after Life Day, and someone rings the doorbell. Owen Lars opens up to Darth Vader holding a fruit basket, because he didn’t know what else to do for Life Day and spontaneously decided to visit distant family rather than mope in his Evil Castle again. 

(Everything Obi-Wan hoped would never happen, just… happening.)

Owen, after introductions, panicking, “Uh… the suit is… new.” 

He has to invite Vader in, because it’s Life Day and how exactly do you tell Darth Vader to fuck off? Then Owen and Beru have a hushed argument in the kitchen while Darth Vader is sitting awkwardly in their living room with a drink that he can’t actually drink but took to be polite. When they come out, they introduce Luke as Luke Whitesun, Beru’s late brother’s kid, which they guess makes Luke… Darth Vader’s… nephew. (They can’t hide him, Vader’s already seen this 2-3 yr old Luke and the house is COVERED in baby and kid stuff.) 

And Darth Vader just… fucking falls for it. 

And the Lars family has to spend the holidays with Uncle Darth Vader who is super keen to have a step-nephew-in-law. Beru is showing off her cross-stitching to Darth fucking Vader as Luke plays at their feet. Owen is in the kitchen sending a desperate space text to Obi-Wan, who basically has a heart attack on the spot when Owen sends a shitty stealth-pic of Darth Vader on their couch. 

Bonus points if the Lars’ don’t even move after this, because Vader left without issue and Uncle Owen afterwards was like, “It turned out fine. I don’t want to move, that’s too much hassle.” So, every major holiday, Luke gets a visit from his Uncle Darth Vader, which works out fine so long as they instigate a “Don’t Talk About Politics” rule when Luke starts getting excited about Rebellions and starts bad-mouthing the Empire (Vader making small talk at a Star Destroyer water cooler to his terrified staff: “Ugh, I’m going to have to debate my liberal 13-yr-old nephew at the dinner table again.”), and Vader even helps with the dishes and stuff, and every time Obi-Wan ages an extra year from stress. 

Guys, please, the way this continues is that the general events of the Star Wars universe continue as normal (Leia, having literally just left a space battle: “Darth Vader, the AUDACITY of attacking an innocent diplomatic vessel!”) UNTIL the stormtroopers show up at the Lars Farm. (Luke is desperately chasing down the droids he lost and properly meeting Obi-Wan Kenobi.) 

At first, it’s business as usual, y’know? Stormtroopers break down the door and interrogate the occupants and start prepping to burn the place down, and the leader is in the middle of shouting, “TELL US WHERE THE DROIDS A-” when he pauses and just… stares… at the mantlepiece. 

Because on the Lars family mantlepiece and walls are, like, a hundred family photos and roughly half of them have Darth Vader in them. There’s Darth Vader wearing a Life Day party hat at a dinner table. There’s Darth Vader holding a toddler and playing with model ships. There’s Darth Vader and a pimply thirteen year old in the stands at the Boonta Eve Classic. There is a cross-stitched pillow on the couch that says OUR FAMILY on it, consisting of a man, a woman, a boy, and Darth fucking Vader. 

Stormtrooper Grunt #1: “What… what… what the fuck.” 

Aunt Beru, who has HAD it with these guys wrecking her house, already angrily jabbing at their space phone: “I am calling Mr. Vader RIGHT NOW about this.” 

Darth Vader, excusing himself from the bridge of his Star Destroyer to take a call from his stepsister-in-law: “Beru. This isn’t a good time-” 

Beru: “Well, MAKE TIME, because your stormtroopers broke down our door and tracked SAND all over my nice clean floors and they won’t stop yelling about the droids we just bought! You better have a good explanation for this!” 

Darth Vader does not, actually, have a good explanation for this. The stormtroopers can feel his wrath from across the galaxy. It’s a work thing and he’s very sorry and he’ll make the stormtroopers fix their door, but he does really need those droids and could they hand them over, please? He’ll have the Empire compensate them. Yes, he’ll pay them back and send new droids. Yes, kicking doors down is very rude, Beru, you’re absolutely right. 

So Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru promise to pick up Luke and the droids, and hop in the spare Landspeeder to go looking for them. Owen is Not Happy to find that Obi-Wan’s given Luke a lightsaber, and Aunt Beru is Not Happy to find out that the Empire’s made some superweapon. Of course they have to get these plans to the Rebellion! Yes, she promised Vader, but he should have told her it was for such a terrible thing! Yes, Owen, they’re all going to Alderaan. 

So the Lars family runs away to Mos Eisley and get on the Millennium Falcon to Alderaan, while the stormtroopers are standing around like, “Are they… coming… back???” And Han Solo does not know what the hell is going on or what to do about the Weird Old Wizard talking about “universe-penetrating magic”, or the Grumpy Farmer who keeps trying to fix his “piece of junk” ship that excuse you does not need fixing, or the Sunny Farm Boy waving a light sword around, or the kindly old woman who is currently cross-stitching in his back seat and gossiping with Chewie like he’s not even there. 

Later, after the Death Star’s been destroyed, Owen and Beru Lars are now a part of the Rebellion with Luke. Beru sends Darth Vader a piece of fabric in the Space Mail, and it’s the little cross-stitched Vader from her OUR FAMILY pillow who’s been cut out because she’s mad at him. (Except her note says DISAPPOINTED and that’s worse.) Darth Vader is more upset about this than the Emperor being mad at him for the destruction of the Death Star. 

This week’s highlight, the greatest image on the planet.

blessed post

I have decided that Darth Vader doesn’t actually rescue his son because he experiences a sudden powerful call to the Light

rather, overthrowing all his old allegiances at the absolute last moment and sacrificing his life to save his son by destroying his shrieking wizard master in a storm of lightning and blue flame is the most dramatic thing he could possibly do in that situation

and if there’s one thing truly left of Anakin Skywalker, it’s his instinctual drive to do the most dramatic thing possible at all times

This is perfect.

he could have saved luke and survived but that wouldn't have been enough

Personally, I don’t really see anything wrong with giving Luke to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. What else was Obi-Wan gonna do? (He pretty much raised Anakin and look how that turned out, he’s not gonna risk Round 2.) (He could have given both kiddos to Bail and Breha Organa, actually. Luke and Leia Organa is a cool as heck AU.)

I like Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. As much as people like to say Luke really is Padme’s son, he didn’t get those morals from her. (Keeping in mind I have read no comics or novelizations, and not seen the Clone Wars TV show) It’s pretty clear that Luke’s iron spine and goodness and refusal to abandon his friends come from his upbringing. Owen and Beru Lars are kinda the Ma and Pa Kent of the Star Wars universe. 

And they are Luke’s family. Owen is Shmi’s stepson. Owen and Beru probably knew Anakin’s mother for years. It’s a neat circle, and in some ways it has the feelings of an apology, for Obi-Wan to bring Luke back to his family on Tatooine in the same way that Qui-Gon took Anakin. Obi-Wan can’t undo what’s been done, and he can’t start over, but he can give Luke what the Jedi denied Anakin: a loving family and normal upbringing. 

Tatooine is Darth Vader’s home planet? Yeah, sure, but did Anakin ever go back to Tatooine? (Probably once or twice, I’m guessing, in the comics at least.) Darth Vader hates that place. Bad memories. Damn sand would fuck up his suit. He’d burn it all down and then the Hutts are gonna be pissed. And how many people actually know that Darth Vader is Anakin Skywalker? Like, about five? (Bail, Obi-Wan, Yoda, R2-D2, and Ahsoka?) Dude is not exactly getting invites to school reunions and the weddings of childhood friends, is all I’m saying. 

Even if Darth Vader ever went back to Tatooine, Tatooine is a big place. The Lars Farm is in the middle of nowhere and Obi-Wan is hanging out left of the funky rock five miles past nowhere. Anakin met his stepbrother once in the entire film trilogy and idk if they even exchanged words, much less space e-mail addresses. I kind of doubt that Uncle Owen and Darth Vader are sending each other Life Day e-cards. (That’s really funny, actually.) 

Anyway, the point of this rant is that I want you to imagine new parents Owen and Beru Lars caring for toddler Luke, it’s just after Life Day, and someone rings the doorbell. Owen Lars opens up to Darth Vader holding a fruit basket, because he didn’t know what else to do for Life Day and spontaneously decided to visit distant family rather than mope in his Evil Castle again. 

(Everything Obi-Wan hoped would never happen, just… happening.)

Owen, after introductions, panicking, “Uh… the suit is… new.” 

He has to invite Vader in, because it’s Life Day and how exactly do you tell Darth Vader to fuck off? Then Owen and Beru have a hushed argument in the kitchen while Darth Vader is sitting awkwardly in their living room with a drink that he can’t actually drink but took to be polite. When they come out, they introduce Luke as Luke Whitesun, Beru’s late brother’s kid, which they guess makes Luke… Darth Vader’s… nephew. (They can’t hide him, Vader’s already seen this 2-3 yr old Luke and the house is COVERED in baby and kid stuff.) 

And Darth Vader just… fucking falls for it. 

And the Lars family has to spend the holidays with Uncle Darth Vader who is super keen to have a step-nephew-in-law. Beru is showing off her cross-stitching to Darth fucking Vader as Luke plays at their feet. Owen is in the kitchen sending a desperate space text to Obi-Wan, who basically has a heart attack on the spot when Owen sends a shitty stealth-pic of Darth Vader on their couch. 

Bonus points if the Lars’ don’t even move after this, because Vader left without issue and Uncle Owen afterwards was like, “It turned out fine. I don’t want to move, that’s too much hassle.” So, every major holiday, Luke gets a visit from his Uncle Darth Vader, which works out fine so long as they instigate a “Don’t Talk About Politics” rule when Luke starts getting excited about Rebellions and starts bad-mouthing the Empire (Vader making small talk at a Star Destroyer water cooler to his terrified staff: “Ugh, I’m going to have to debate my liberal 13-yr-old nephew at the dinner table again.”), and Vader even helps with the dishes and stuff, and every time Obi-Wan ages an extra year from stress. 

Guys, please, the way this continues is that the general events of the Star Wars universe continue as normal (Leia, having literally just left a space battle: “Darth Vader, the AUDACITY of attacking an innocent diplomatic vessel!”) UNTIL the stormtroopers show up at the Lars Farm. (Luke is desperately chasing down the droids he lost and properly meeting Obi-Wan Kenobi.) 

At first, it’s business as usual, y’know? Stormtroopers break down the door and interrogate the occupants and start prepping to burn the place down, and the leader is in the middle of shouting, “TELL US WHERE THE DROIDS A-” when he pauses and just… stares… at the mantlepiece. 

Because on the Lars family mantlepiece and walls are, like, a hundred family photos and roughly half of them have Darth Vader in them. There’s Darth Vader wearing a Life Day party hat at a dinner table. There’s Darth Vader holding a toddler and playing with model ships. There’s Darth Vader and a pimply thirteen year old in the stands at the Boonta Eve Classic. There is a cross-stitched pillow on the couch that says OUR FAMILY on it, consisting of a man, a woman, a boy, and Darth fucking Vader. 

Stormtrooper Grunt #1: “What… what… what the fuck.” 

Aunt Beru, who has HAD it with these guys wrecking her house, already angrily jabbing at their space phone: “I am calling Mr. Vader RIGHT NOW about this.” 

Darth Vader, excusing himself from the bridge of his Star Destroyer to take a call from his stepsister-in-law: “Beru. This isn’t a good time-” 

Beru: “Well, MAKE TIME, because your stormtroopers broke down our door and tracked SAND all over my nice clean floors and they won’t stop yelling about the droids we just bought! You better have a good explanation for this!” 

Darth Vader does not, actually, have a good explanation for this. The stormtroopers can feel his wrath from across the galaxy. It’s a work thing and he’s very sorry and he’ll make the stormtroopers fix their door, but he does really need those droids and could they hand them over, please? He’ll have the Empire compensate them. Yes, he’ll pay them back and send new droids. Yes, kicking doors down is very rude, Beru, you’re absolutely right. 

So Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru promise to pick up Luke and the droids, and hop in the spare Landspeeder to go looking for them. Owen is Not Happy to find that Obi-Wan’s given Luke a lightsaber, and Aunt Beru is Not Happy to find out that the Empire’s made some superweapon. Of course they have to get these plans to the Rebellion! Yes, she promised Vader, but he should have told her it was for such a terrible thing! Yes, Owen, they’re all going to Alderaan. 

So the Lars family runs away to Mos Eisley and get on the Millennium Falcon to Alderaan, while the stormtroopers are standing around like, “Are they… coming… back???” And Han Solo does not know what the hell is going on or what to do about the Weird Old Wizard talking about “universe-penetrating magic”, or the Grumpy Farmer who keeps trying to fix his “piece of junk” ship that excuse you does not need fixing, or the Sunny Farm Boy waving a light sword around, or the kindly old woman who is currently cross-stitching in his back seat and gossiping with Chewie like he’s not even there. 

Later, after the Death Star’s been destroyed, Owen and Beru Lars are now a part of the Rebellion with Luke. Beru sends Darth Vader a piece of fabric in the Space Mail, and it’s the little cross-stitched Vader from her OUR FAMILY pillow who’s been cut out because she’s mad at him. (Except her note says DISAPPOINTED and that’s worse.) Darth Vader is more upset about this than the Emperor being mad at him for the destruction of the Death Star. 

darth vader is just the phantom of the opera in space

fucked up face. wears a cape. super dramatic all the time

First of all, how dare you…

always enters rooms to his theme music. really likes choking people. clearly owns a shit ton of strobe lights and fog machines

the Same™

I HATE THAT YOU ARE RIGHT FUCK

@phoenixavalon

@theguardianknux

okay but Vader literally turned off the lights on his chest panel to make an impression on the Rebels. That whole emerging from the darkness by the light of his saber thing? That was intentional dramatic effect. What a drama king.

Leia got away because he wasted 30 seconds scaring the crap outta those poor rebel mooks.

leave the drama queen be

peak anakin