ultralaser

There's just so much I don't know about Tolkien's work

i posted this old as balls gifset ten years ago today

Happy anniversary old as balls gifset

@meme-conservation

We are pleased to note the continued survival of this meme to the point that it, too, is Old As Balls

'The Lord Of The Rings' by Frank Frazetta.

Cover art from the limited edition 'Frazetta's The Lord Of The Rings' art portfolio, published in 1975.

So I’ve been re-skimming some LotR in between looking for new books to read and Boromir mentions his brother like, three times in the Council of Elrond. And I realize it’s dramatic foreshadowing shit, but consider (modern au apparently) Boromir who just talks about his brother all the time and has so many pictures:

“Hobbits like poetry? My brother won a poetry contest in third grade!!! You know who’d love to hear more about Dwarves? My brother. Gosh, I can’t wait until we all get to Minas Tirith so I can show you all the best things about my city and you can meet my brother.”

–

“Yeah, I’ve seen Boromir, he’s a great dude,” says Eomer, “but I hear he talks about his brother a lot?”

–

“How do I know you’ve actually met my brother?” asks Faramir. “And how do you know who I am?”

“… I have seen probably a hundred pictures of you and heard the stories behind all of them,” says Frodo.

“Ah,” says Faramir, resigned. “Yeah, okay, you’ve met him.”

canon boromir has a small scroll he keeps on him with a commissioned portrait of his brother. he spends a great deal of his free time pulling it out to remind himself - and everyone else - what he’s fighting for.

when faramir dramatically reveals himself to the halflings in the wild, frodo is super nervous but sam just cocks his head to the side and looks at him like he’s got three ears. when the halflings are unhooded in the cave frodo searches all around for an exit, but sam just looks at faramir again with the same vague look in his eyes. when questioned, sam replies ‘you don’t look quite like your portrait anymore. the beard, i expect. do you still have the scar on your chin from the banquet?’ faramir silently curses his older brother.

when gandalf appears before him in minas tirith, the old wizard surruptitiously looks at some bit of parchment in his hand, then back at faramir, then at the halfling, then shrugs. ‘third time is the charm, i suppose’ says the old wizard to his companion, who replies 'no this is him. i told you, he has his brother’s eyes.’ faramir should have grown used to this recognition in the eyes of strangers by now, but somehow has not.

faramir lays bleeding on the ground in osgiliath. an orc shuffles up and makes to spear him, then stops, looks sideways at him. the orc taps another larger orc, points. the larger orc goes wide-eyed. soon a dozen orcs are standing over him, years long veterans of the border skirmishes and the siege of the divided city, two armies separated by a narrow band of water. the smallest orc produces a rough charcoal sketch from somewhere and smiles. 'i thought he’d be taller.’ the last thing faramir thinks as the orcs gently strap him back onto his saddle is that he can’t believe this isn’t a dream but it doesn’t actually surprise him at all.

when faramir wakes up in the house of healing he finds aragorn, smoking pipeweed and looking at him with an odd fondness. aragorn produces a scroll from his tunic and smirks. 'you look exactly like your portrait, little faroe. a bit older, i suppose, but you’re all children to me.’ faramir groans and curses his brother and goes back to sleep.

he awakens to find eowyn sitting in a wicker chair, looking at the scroll and at him. 'lord aragorn was wrong. there’s something in you that wasn’t there yet when this was made. you are more…’ she blushes and turns away. faramir quietly thanks his brother’s foresight and produces the locket he wears, with a miniature portrait of his brother and his parents. he looks at eowyn again and realizes he is going to need another locket.

the lady arwen bumps into faramir while prepping for the coronation ceremony and takes one look at him and says 'oh of course.’ she pulls back his hair and touches the scar on his ear from where boromir got a little carried away their first sword lesson, and smiles. faramir knows boromir was in rivendell for at most a day and likely talked to arwen for just a few minutes at a formal dinner. this is not even unusual.

faramir sits awkwardly, eowyn at his side biting her lip not to laugh, as a panoply of the fellowship all compete to recreate boromir’s beloved portrait of young faramir from memory. legolas’s is a perfect recreation of the original, aragorn’s has surprisingly clear lines but renders him too young. gimli has given him a rich beard, gandalf has produced one of smoke. the four hobbits share a large scroll and have finished a lovely range of miniatures, and have continued to fill the page with vignettes of embarassing stories from faramir’s childhood. faramir misses his brother terribly.

Has this been done yet? Because I love you Elrond but wtf. [Screencap credit]

little spoon!Leg for @loveandslander

I love the concept of elf-sleep and true-sleep. What if elves just fuckin………conk out for 18 hours and wake up forgetting what year it is when they true-sleep

hot take all elves ugly-sleep

Because we know that Legolas went days without sleep feelin’ spry as ever, I see this and I raise you 48 hours when they true-sleep

@what-your-elf-eyes-see Not only am I into this, I’m obsessed with this. What if the reason why elves don’t really like to true-sleep is because they’re basically comatose and it makes them super vulnerable?

It takes him a minute to get started back up again, he’ll get there.

Just realized how much better the Lord of the Rings movies would have been if they’d had occasional scenes showing gimli fireman carrying a sleeping legolas through increasingly hectic events.

Concept: Sam finds out elves can die of sadness, gets very concerned, starts doing his best to make sure Mr Legolas is happy all the time just in case

This causes a terrible dilemma when Legolas expresses that he’d prefer not to be addressed as Mr Legolas and Sam doesn’t want to risk upsetting him but also that goes against everything he knows.

‘Mr Highness Greenleaf sir’

Mr Greenleaf, sir? Mr Green? Mr Leaf?

*Legolas and Gimli fighting, as usual* 

Sam: Stop! STOP! You leave Mr L- Elf alone, Mr Gimli!

Legolas: Why, thank you, Sam. You see, Gimli? Your dwarven rudeness has even upset Sam-

Sam, sobbing: He can’t take such a talking to, Mr Gimli! He’s such a sensitive soul. Much more of that and he’ll be dead by morn!

Legolas: 

Aragorn: Sam, don’t worry. it takes a lot more sorrow than that to kill an elf

Sam: but these are really sad times

Aragorn: excuse me

Sam: we’re all very upset all the time because of the quest. what if something small is what pushes him over the edge

Aragorn: it doesn’t work like that-

Legolas, genuinely panicked: what if it works like that??

Aragorn: I’m sure it doesn’t

Legolas: he had a point I AM very upset all the time

Gandalf: Legolas I assure you no elf has ever died like that

Legolas: NOT YET THEY HAVEN’T

Legolas & Sam: *both panicking*

@thegirlinthemagicalbluebox

LEGOLAS (sadly) - A lament for Gandalf...

MERRY - What do they say about him?

LEGOLAS - I have not the heart to tell you. For me, the grief is still too near.

SAM - (sweating profusely)

Years ago I saw a Lord of the Rings display at Barnes and Noble that included a Hallmark-style greeting card with Frodo on the front and inside text that read: “We set out to save the Shire, Sam. And it has been saved. But not for me.”

And I have been thinking about that card ever since, desperately wishing I had bought it, and wondering what the fuck kind of occasion would warrant a card featuring that sentiment.

weirdly enough, i have actually been the recipient of that exact card. it was a birthday card from someone who knew i loved lotr but didn’t really know much about the actual movie, but i feel like she should’ve been clued into the ‘wtf’ vibe from the incredibly agonized face frodo is making on the front of the card. 

If you still have that card… I would do anything to see a photo of it. You can cover up the personalized message, but I really, really, really want to see proof that this card existed and was not the product of my overactive imagination.

@glumshoe I FOUND IT!!

I’d forgotten just how close to death Frodo looks on the front, not to mention Sam’s agonized face and the very odd stylistic choice of including the Ring inscription and the Eye of Sauron in the background. who the hell is the target audience for this?

it's not you, it's the eternal unhealing wound i suffered from the poisoned blade of the lord of the nazgul, and the compounding trauma to my frail body from carrying the one ring of sauron for so long

So I’ve been re-skimming some LotR in between looking for new books to read and Boromir mentions his brother like, three times in the Council of Elrond. And I realize it’s dramatic foreshadowing shit, but consider (modern au apparently) Boromir who just talks about his brother all the time and has so many pictures:

“Hobbits like poetry? My brother won a poetry contest in third grade!!! You know who’d love to hear more about Dwarves? My brother. Gosh, I can’t wait until we all get to Minas Tirith so I can show you all the best things about my city and you can meet my brother.”

–

“Yeah, I’ve seen Boromir, he’s a great dude,” says Eomer, “but I hear he talks about his brother a lot?”

–

“How do I know you’ve actually met my brother?” asks Faramir. “And how do you know who I am?”

“… I have seen probably a hundred pictures of you and heard the stories behind all of them,” says Frodo.

“Ah,” says Faramir, resigned. “Yeah, okay, you’ve met him.”

canon boromir has a small scroll he keeps on him with a commissioned portrait of his brother. he spends a great deal of his free time pulling it out to remind himself - and everyone else - what he’s fighting for.

when faramir dramatically reveals himself to the halflings in the wild, frodo is super nervous but sam just cocks his head to the side and looks at him like he’s got three ears. when the halflings are unhooded in the cave frodo searches all around for an exit, but sam just looks at faramir again with the same vague look in his eyes. when questioned, sam replies ‘you don’t look quite like your portrait anymore. the beard, i expect. do you still have the scar on your chin from the banquet?’ faramir silently curses his older brother.

when gandalf appears before him in minas tirith, the old wizard surruptitiously looks at some bit of parchment in his hand, then back at faramir, then at the halfling, then shrugs. ‘third time is the charm, i suppose’ says the old wizard to his companion, who replies 'no this is him. i told you, he has his brother’s eyes.’ faramir should have grown used to this recognition in the eyes of strangers by now, but somehow has not.

faramir lays bleeding on the ground in osgiliath. an orc shuffles up and makes to spear him, then stops, looks sideways at him. the orc taps another larger orc, points. the larger orc goes wide-eyed. soon a dozen orcs are standing over him, years long veterans of the border skirmishes and the siege of the divided city, two armies separated by a narrow band of water. the smallest orc produces a rough charcoal sketch from somewhere and smiles. 'i thought he’d be taller.’ the last thing faramir thinks as the orcs gently strap him back onto his saddle is that he can’t believe this isn’t a dream but it doesn’t actually surprise him at all.

when faramir wakes up in the house of healing he finds aragorn, smoking pipeweed and looking at him with an odd fondness. aragorn produces a scroll from his tunic and smirks. 'you look exactly like your portrait, little faroe. a bit older, i suppose, but you’re all children to me.’ faramir groans and curses his brother and goes back to sleep.

he awakens to find eowyn sitting in a wicker chair, looking at the scroll and at him. 'lord aragorn was wrong. there’s something in you that wasn’t there yet when this was made. you are more…’ she blushes and turns away. faramir quietly thanks his brother’s foresight and produces the locket he wears, with a miniature portrait of his brother and his parents. he looks at eowyn again and realizes he is going to need another locket.

the lady arwen bumps into faramir while prepping for the coronation ceremony and takes one look at him and says 'oh of course.’ she pulls back his hair and touches the scar on his ear from where boromir got a little carried away their first sword lesson, and smiles. faramir knows boromir was in rivendell for at most a day and likely talked to arwen for just a few minutes at a formal dinner. this is not even unusual.

faramir sits awkwardly, eowyn at his side biting her lip not to laugh, as a panoply of the fellowship all compete to recreate boromir’s beloved portrait of young faramir from memory. legolas’s is a perfect recreation of the original, aragorn’s has surprisingly clear lines but renders him too young. gimli has given him a rich beard, gandalf has produced one of smoke. the four hobbits share a large scroll and have finished a lovely range of miniatures, and have continued to fill the page with vignettes of embarassing stories from faramir’s childhood. faramir misses his brother terribly.

@smokeyloki

shit i forgot all about this one

ultralaser:

bringing this back

Merry: confused awe

Frodo: confused awe

Sam: confused awe

Pippin: finally i’m getting the respect i deserve from these peasants 

so accurate i am choking on my carrot. this is making me giggle harder than it should. I love Pippin so much.

I don’t think there will come time when I’m not reblogging this. Sorry guys. 

no no no you guys don’t understand, Pippin is someone really important in the Shire! The books don’t talk about it a lot, and the movies won’t touch that stuff with a bargepole, but Pippin will be inheriting land rights to about a quarter of the Shire. He’s second in line to becoming military leader of all Hobbits. His dad is currently in charge of that stuff, but he’s completely aware of it, and educated for it, and that’s why he’s such an over privileged little shit in the books.

I thought it was a shame the movies didn’t talk about class differences in the Shire. Also puts M&P stealing food in an uglier light.

To be fair, at the time of the Party, Pippin would have been 12, which puts it back into a more acceptable light.  And they’re stealing food from Bilbo, a wealthy and eccentric family member, which again makes things a bit different.

But yes, when they call Pippin Ernil i Perrianath - Prince of the Halflings - they are actually completely spot on.

And when Pippin tells Bergil “my father farms the land around Tuckborough” he’s deliberately downplaying his class so that he can greet the boy as an equal rather than a superior.  It’s Pippin’s most adult moment in the series.  Bergil is engaging in a status contest which Pippin can totally win - but instead chooses not to compete.  Pippin is a gilded and spoiled lordling in the Shire, but he becomes a Man of Gondor.

Yeah, to add a bit of unnecessary trivia/level of preciseness, Frodo is the oldest of the four; he was born in 2968, was (obviously) 33 at the time of the Party, and so he’s 51 here. Sam’s second-oldest; born in 2980, he was 21 when Bilbo left and is 39 at this point. Merry’s two years younger than Sam, making him 18 or 19 in 3001, when the Party took place, and Pippin was born in 2990, so he was actually 10 or 11 during the Party, and during this scene they’re ~37 and ~29, respectively.

So yeah, Pippin’s the youngest by a lot. Plus, taking hobbit aging into account, he really is still in the equivalent of his teens; remember the Party was half to celebrate Frodo’s coming-of-age at 33, and Pippin’s around twenty years younger than Frodo. 

This fucked me up. I didn’t read the books and in the movie it was shown like Frodo took off with the ring like 2 days after Bilbo’s gone away, but it was 17 years after that. OMFG.

Also worth noting that “Merry and Pippin stealing food” isn’t in the book - raiding Farmer Maggot’s fields, specifically the mushrooms, is something Frodo used to do when he was a kid, before his parents died and he moved to Hobbiton to live with Bilbo. Frodo’s still afraid of Maggot’s guard dogs, but the farmer himself is sympathetic and helpful when he finds Frodo & Co. cutting through his field.

And this is specifically invoked in the books at the Council of Elrond, where Elrond argues against Pippin in particular going, because  he is so young. He’s okay with Merry going but wants to keep Pippin in Rivendell. Elrond has serious misgivings against sending an early-teenager off to face the Shadow, and given what happens to Pippin in The Two Towers, he was not wrong.

@cyrefinns

@the-books-we-travel

This is just so great. I just–I can’t.

Merry is also a prince of sorts - his father is Master of Buckland, which is the semi-autonomous boundary community between the Brandywine river and the Old Forest (never, alas, discussed in the movies). Merry and Pippin are friends in the books in part because they’re of relatively equal status and in part because they’re cousins (like all nobs, Shire nobs mostly marry each other).

However, the books also clearly make Merry the Responsible One, even though he’s only been a full adult for four years. (Think early 20s in human terms.) Merry buys and prepares the house at Crickhollow. Merry figures out the secret of the ring before Bilbo even gives it to Frodo, but Merry keeps Bilbo’s secret. Merry convinces Sam to spy on Frodo. Merry explains that they’re all joining Frodo on the Quest, whether Frodo wants them to or not. Merry cautions about the Old Forest and doesn’t go down to drink in the taproom at the Prancing Pony.

So in the books, Merry isn’t Pippin’s partner in pranks - instead, Merry and Pippin spend all their time together on the Quest because Merry’s looking after his younger cousin. Can you imagine what his mother would say if he came home without Pippin? Merry can, and that’s why he takes some pretty absurd personal risks during the books to make sure that doesn’t happen. Like, he literally rides into battle on the back of someone else’s horse, in disguise, because Pippin is probably somewhere in that battle.

Merry is 99%* common sense unless Pippin is involved, and then he is 100% save/rescue/protect/support Pippin. The character growth and maturation we see in Merry in the movies isn’t in the books; instead he has almost the exact opposite arc of becoming an extreme risk-taker, driven by his protective instincts.

(*The other 1% stabbed a ringwraith in the calf that one time, but we can argue that this was due to a natural expansion of Merry’s protective instincts toward Eowyn, with whom he’d bonded quite a lot recently, and toward Theoden, who he deeply respected as being kind of like his dad.)

bonus kleenex moment:

when pippin finds merry stumbling half-blind and sick through the streets of Minas Tirith after killing the Ringwraith, he tells Merry “Poor old fellow! I’ll look after you,” half-carries him to the healing halls, and is worried sick about him until he can finally get Aragorn in to give him medicine.

It’s the first time in the story that Pippin  has looked after Merry, instead of the other way around.

It shows that Pippin has grown up, that he can protect the people who always protected him.

One of the ballsiest things Tolkien ever did was write 473k words about some hobbits called frodo, sam, merry, and pippin and then write in the appendices that their names are actually maura, ban, kali, and razal. 

cs lewis - (complains abt the hobbit names not being fantastic enough for mister three entire ass made up elven languages)

jolkien tolkien (about to invent the retcon) - oh havent you heard

not to sound 14 again but sam/frodo and gimli/legolas are the only valid lotr ships bc they would piss tolkien off so fucking much

jolkien rolkien rolkien tolkien, sobbing: but dont you care about their epic friendships

me (wise): theyre gay sir. you wrote them gay

the people tagging this with aragorn/boromir are the most valid people alive and in the secret ending to lotr which i just created they both survive and get married and retire from public life to farm goats and eowyn marries arwen while faramir rules gondor

When I tell you I snorted!

All great suggestions 

This post gets better every time I see it

"you shall not fucking pass!"