Shout out to the ten primate species, four bat species, elephant shrews, and the Cairo spiny mouse. Nobody else gets it

I do feel bad for plants in general. Like, I know they are often as vicious as animals in many ways, just slower. But, I mean, they just show up and they’re like, “I Think I Will Evolve To Eat The Sun And Also Make Oxygen And How Now Is All This.” And, like, everything fucking dies at first (totally not plants fault, btw. okay maybe it was but they didn’t mean to) but then new things evolve. And they’re like, “Fuck it, eating each other suuuucks. Let’s eat the plants which give us life.” And so we start doing that. And plants are all, “Oh Dear No, I Do Not Care At All For Being Eaten. I Will Make Myself Into Poison Sometimes.” But, y'know, stuff kept eating plants anyway so plants, ever the bro, came up with a new idea. “I Have Made A Decision About Being Eaten And You May Eat Me Friends And Here Is An Especially Tasty Bit Packed All Full of Delicious Sugars Which I Have Produced At Great Cost (What They Do Not Know Is That My Seeds Are Within And Shall Be Propagated Near And Far By Their Dung)“ But that’s not good enough for animals, no, not at all. We love the fuck out of some pomegranates but also alliums which are like, “I Have Not Decided To Go In For This Being Eaten Business. I Shall Be Very Foul Tasting And Also A Poison.” But no, sorry, onions, you fucked up. You accidentally wound up with a species that just doesn’t give up or fully comprehend the idea of things tasting “”‘bad’“’ or other concepts like not eating poison. (Sorry, plants, later we turn some of you who are not poison into a poison we consume recreationally. We really enjoy eating poison.)  Legit, alliums are deadly to, like, every other species. And we call them aromatics and throw them in everything. Peppers are the best, though. They completely got on the being eaten train. BUT ONLY BIRDS Peppers are like, “You May Eat Me, Fair Avian, For You Are Sure To Spread Me A Great Distance. But, Mammal, Take HEED. Should You Eat Me Then I Will Burn You Most Terribly.” And we were all about that. “The FUCK, burning? I love pain,” said humans, presumably. “You know, peppers, you and evolution have done a good job at burning us but I am pretty sure we could make your chemical agony even more potent. Come hang with us,” humans added to a very confused pepper just before creating the ghost chili.

Mammals both produce milk and have hair. Ergo, a coconut is a mammal.

I know you’re being facetious, but this is an actual issue with morphology-based phylogeny.

*leans over and whispers to person beside me* what are they talking about

*leans over and whispers back*  Human ability to quantify and categorize natural phenomena is sketchy at best and wildly misleading at worst

consider the coconut

this reminds me of that time Plato defined humans as “featherless bipeds” and Diogenes ran in with a plucked chicken screaming “BEHOLD A MAN!”

i love how you say “it reminds me of that time” like you were there.

listen if an immortal feels brave and supported enough to come out we should respect them

This post is a journey

Animal sizes for comparison

Moose

Grey Wolf

Maned Wolf

Sea Otter

Toucan

Grizzly Bear

Polar Bear

Stellar Sea Lion

Cow

Pig

Raven

Black Bear & Bengal Tiger

White-Tailed Deer

Buffalo

Capybara

me at half the animals on the post: “BITCH THAT’S H U G E”

if you’ve never seen one before

deer are smaller than you think

raccoons are bigger than you think

bears are smaller than you think but you were pretty close

otters are bigger than you think no even bigger than that

wolves are bigger than you think

wild cats are smaller than you think but hopefully you’ll never see one

chipmunks are smaller than you think

so are mice but you’ve seen a mouse right

you were right about the size of moose, mostly

pigs are bigger than you think

coyotes are that size

so are foxes

woops bears are bigger than you think but only that one type

this is an informational post about mammals if you know more please do tell

buffalo are bigger than you’ve ever even imagined. you’ve never seen anything that big in your life i promise

i support this post except you have no idea how big are moose

moose are fucked up big and nothing will ever prepare you for it

What??? The fuck????

I am from Canada and can verify that if your car hits a moose, your car will not survive but the moose likely will

some underappreciated mammals

african civet

fanaloka

egyptian mongoose

linsang

white tailed mongoose

coati

@viverridae

i didn’t even know these animals existed

nice

if you’ve never seen one before

deer are smaller than you think

raccoons are bigger than you think

bears are smaller than you think but you were pretty close

otters are bigger than you think no even bigger than that

wolves are bigger than you think

wild cats are smaller than you think but hopefully you’ll never see one

chipmunks are smaller than you think

so are mice but you’ve seen a mouse right

you were right about the size of moose, mostly

pigs are bigger than you think

coyotes are that size

so are foxes

woops bears are bigger than you think but only that one type

this is an informational post about mammals if you know more please do tell

buffalo are bigger than you’ve ever even imagined. you’ve never seen anything that big in your life i promise

If you’ve never seen one, I can guarantee moose are bigger than you think.

The pigmy jerboa.  Such cuteness should be illegal

(x)

this is clearly a pokemon

I mostly use my Biology minor to explain the evolutionary reasons why I kinda want to eat my laundry detergent pods

please elaborate dear friend.

They are small brightly colored soft orbs. In a savannah environment (where much of human evolution occurred) all those stimuli say “fruit, this has a lot of calories and is valuable to you.” Which is why most candy is made to look colorful and generally fruitlike, our brains are evolved to like that and take it to mean “tastes good! Very sweet!” Hence I sometimes want to eat my Tide pods (but never actually do)

As someone who did once put one of those in his mouth, where it immediately began to melt, I can confirm that they are not delicious fruit.

Hang on a minute…

Shouldn’t all mermaids be fat?

Mermaids are probably mammals, because of their visible breast tissue and horizontal tail fins.

Aquatic mammals need to have developed a thick layer of subcutaneous fat in order to survive in water. Even in a hot climate, swimming in water the whole time would require fatty insulation.

So… chubby mermaids. Yeah.

Keep reblogging this, it is making male mermaid enthusiasts angry.