ultralaser

I’m going to rewrite the harry potter series and it’s going to be called Hermione Granger and The Glorious Glock where she gets a gun and shoots voldemort through the skull and then everyone is free to continue their education in peace. It’ll be 3.5 pages long. 

they’re in Great Britain where in the world is an 11-year-old black girl going to get a gun

the store

Britain isn’t America. You can’t just walk into a random supermarket and buy a ton of guns. In fact, a gun is several hundred pounds each due to you needing to have a separate license for each one. Then you also need to have it where no one could accidentally find it and if anyone apart from you knows where the gun is, you lose your license and gun. I think it has to be locked up in a position no one will ever find it in.

Pretty much, an eleven year old kid is not gonna get a gun in Britain.

she goes to a wizard school with a three headed dog in the broom closet.

Hermoine isn’t black???

Yes she is, page 1 line one of Hermione Granger and the Glorious Glock reads “Hermione Granger took her black ass to school” nice try racist. 

thinking always about hermione granger and the glorious glock

good lord

YEAH I GOT NOTHING

i don’t understand a single sentence in this and i’m ok with that

I haven’t stopped saying “it’s called quantum jumping, babe”

I would genuinely like to know who to blame for making these children so disconnected from the concept of imagination that they think the simpler explanation for what they’re doing is that they’re projecting their consciousness into one of infinite realities where fictional characters are real.

topical :/

WHY IS IT TOPICAL

Me shouting at my rash ointment

great post everyone

over here fkn w h e e z i n g at "draco malfoy tulpa"

Ignoring everything else it's just bizarre that the new hp game is advertising you can own a little slave. Who fucking wants that. Genuinely

Never mind we found the target demographic

GODDAMNIT

honestly, why does jkr think harry “ptsd” potter is gonna immediately settle down in to a long term relationship with someone he’s known since he was 12 and it’s all going to work out perfectly fine and he’s not going to be restless and unhappy and irritable which are all traits we have seen of him. let ginny realize she’s into luna lovegood and let harry have several years of living in a cottage in the woods away from everything so he can find peace again and then let harry become, ding ding ding, a professor at hogwarts because he’s better at teaching than anything else and him wanting to be an auror at fifteen is like wanting to be a firefighter as a kid

it’s like him wanting to be a firefighter bc fire killed his parents and then for many many years he fights fires without proper firefighter training and then fire literally kills him and when he comes back many more of his friends have been killed by fire literally every parental figure in his life except the weasley’s has been killed by fire and jk rowling decided that, instead of him deciding to do what he does best (TEACH, as proven in book 5) and helping to arm children in the fight against fire he’s gonna continue on doing it singlehandedly. he would die of exhaustion

Every Adult In “Harry Potter” Let Us Down At Some Point And That’s Important a 900 page dissertation by me

And that includes Joanne Kathleen Rowling a tear stained afterword by me

Hagrid Is The Exception a rebuttal by me

The Time Hagrid Told Voldemort How to Take Out Something Protecting an Object that Grants Immortality When He Was Drunk and Other Well-Meaning Fuck Ups a lengthy chapter

You’re Absolutely Right a retraction

How dare you assume Molly Weasley has done anything wrong ever

That Time Molly Yelled At The Twins And Ron For Saving Harry From Abuse And Starvation, Thus Likely Communicating To The Abused Kid In Her Presence That His Welfare Was Less Important Than Not Borrowing The Car, That Time Molly Was Utterly Condescending About How Harry Is A Child And Doesn’t Deserve To Know Anything In A Way That Probably Heightened His Determination To Prove Otherwise, That Time Molly Said The Twins Put Together Aren’t As Good As Any Of Their Brothers Over OWL Results That They Worked Hard On And Were Proud Of, That Time Molly Forcibly Cut Her Adult Son’s Hair Right Before His Wedding, That Time Molly Spent A Year Being Mean And Rejectful Toward Her Son’s Fiancee, That Time Molly Sent Hermione A Deliberate “Fuck You” Present For Easter Because She Believed A False Story Written In Witch Weekly Without Making Any Attempt To Ask The People Actually Involved, Those Times She Made Her Youngest Son’s Christmas Sweaters His Least Favorite Color, And Every Time She Belittled Her Husband’s Hobby, The Twins’ Interests, And Bill’s Appearance Because She Couldn’t Be Bothered To Understand Or Value Or Even Be Kind About Them a detailed reminder that no one’s perfect and sometimes what one person doesn’t mind or see hits another person hard

Florean Fortescue Just Wanted To Sell Some Ice Cream And Help Harry With His Homework He Is The Only Adult Who Didn’t Mess Up Until Getting Killed By Voldemort, RIP an increasingly strident addendum by me

OK You’re Absolutely Right Florean Fortescue Was In Fact Perfect As Far As I’m Aware a concession by me

Charlie Weasley Just Wanted To Play With Dragons a fond reminder by me

If There Were Zero Expectations For Lockhart From The Start, Did He Technically Let Us Down? An inquiry

You’re Technically Correct, You Can’t Be Let Fown If You’re Already On The Ground an amused afterword

Fluffy is an Adult Dog a thrilling side note

did one or both of them get cast in new batman yet

a grindelwald on dvd commercial - from the creator of harry potter!

me - //voldemort//?!?!

Dumbledore, died at age 115

Horcruxes made: 0

Voldemort, died at age 71

Horcruxes made: 7

Conclusion: Voldemort was the most useless, magic dependant wizard that ever existed. He could have lived till like 200 if he just ate well and exercised, but no he had to go and split up his soul and ruin perfectly good jewellery, fucking dumbass.

this sounds like it was written by hermione granger at 1 am

He tried to use an advanced death magic spell to kill a baby. He literally doesn’t know how to do anything without magic. Just drop it out a window my dude, babies are so delicate

On the Pottermore website, J.K. Rowling explains how wizards poop. There’s an excerpt about the Chamber of Secrets that says wizards didn’t need toilets because they ‘simply relieved themselves where they stood, and vanished the evidence.’ Source Source 2

i fucking hate jk rowling so much because years and years after this franchise has ended she is still continuing trying to make it bad to the point where she said that every character in harry potter canonically shits themselves and then casts a shit vanishing spell 

fuck this is b a d

This reminds me of the hufflepuff group masturbation tweets

The what?

Just imagine you’re taking a test for potions with Snape and the guy sitting next to you just fucking shits himself the nastiest, slimiest shit of his life out of stress. And you literally have to sit there with a straight face while fuckin Todd JingleJangles cleans himself up in the dead quiet room with some stupid ass line like “vanish me poopum” and you just gotta live with the knowledge that some kid just shit himself beside you during a fucking test.

how do you delete someone elses post

I am in tears

THIS IS LITERALLY WORSE THAN THE SPECIAL EDITIONS

pottermore retweeted this as a fun trivia bit today and i got to watch as it spread across my timeline like a virus, welcome twitter to the special hell of knowing about this

GUYS, THIS IS FAKE! A few years ago Collegee Humor decided to prank the HP gandom with fake J.K.Rowling tweets about group masturbation and pooping (among other things). These tweets are easy to spot as fakes when you know that the profile picture is wrong. The creator of this joke actually feel guilty about how much it has spread.

Please stop sharing this miss-information. Yes, it’s gross. No, it’s not true.

the official pottermore twitter posted the poop bit for national trivia day yesterday, it's still the top two tweets on the confirmed account - https://mobile.twitter.com/pottermore/status/1081242428105998336

On the Pottermore website, J.K. Rowling explains how wizards poop. There’s an excerpt about the Chamber of Secrets that says wizards didn’t need toilets because they ‘simply relieved themselves where they stood, and vanished the evidence.’ Source Source 2

i fucking hate jk rowling so much because years and years after this franchise has ended she is still continuing trying to make it bad to the point where she said that every character in harry potter canonically shits themselves and then casts a shit vanishing spell 

fuck this is b a d

This reminds me of the hufflepuff group masturbation tweets

The what?

Just imagine you’re taking a test for potions with Snape and the guy sitting next to you just fucking shits himself the nastiest, slimiest shit of his life out of stress. And you literally have to sit there with a straight face while fuckin Todd JingleJangles cleans himself up in the dead quiet room with some stupid ass line like “vanish me poopum” and you just gotta live with the knowledge that some kid just shit himself beside you during a fucking test.

how do you delete someone elses post

I am in tears

THIS IS LITERALLY WORSE THAN THE SPECIAL EDITIONS

pottermore retweeted this as a fun trivia bit today and i got to watch as it spread across my timeline like a virus, welcome twitter to the special hell of knowing about this