WILLOW IS VERY GOOD AND ALSO VERY GAY

dork prince is flash thompson from the mcu, very nice, but also knight girl is erin kellyman aka karli on falcon and the winter soldier, aka ENFYS NEST

which i just realized means she already knew warwick davis bc they had a bunch of scenes together in SOLO

man she's just having the best career arc you can imagine, going from one beloved disney property to the next. good for her. put her in tron 3.0 next

#that bottom gif is killing me #bitch does it look like i’ve heard of the milennium falcon #i’m old as dicks #and got this bitch ass farmer hick motherfucker next to me #i will slap you and your big ass dog into both fucking suns so help me god han

Obi-wan: fuck no, son. Do we look like we get the cable televisions out this far? Unless that is your CB handle, you don’t exist in this world.

I CUT OFF DARTH VADER’S ARMS AND LEGS DO I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT PARSECS NO NO I DON’T

everything you need to know about inflation vs stagnating wages since the 70s is that in star wars: episode iv - a new hope (1977) obi wan kenobi offers to pay han seventeen thousand credits to ferry team luke to alderaan and han ‘cool dude’ solo turns to chewie and LOSES HIS SHIT bc 17k will solve //all of their problems// and pay all of their debts to the hutts

meanwhile in SOLO: a star wars story (2018), which is set canonically 5-10 years earlier, han does the kessel run job to pay a debt of like THIRTY MILLION credits

and it is implied that jabba is a bigger deal than the crimson dawn guys he was in deep with which means if solo two + three happen han is going to retroactively end up in 1977 owing jabba like seventeen **billion** credits or some nonsense number like that

tldr han is a millennial now

solo a star wars story spoilers from toy fair

here is a non-spoilery 3.75″ lando with some guy who probably doesn’t matter but looks neat

meanwhile several of the other toys shown (probably) give away plot details, so here they are behind a cut

[ cut removed bc it’s out now ]

okay so first off here is a 2 pack of hank and chewie in chains covered in mud, is this han freeing chewie and earning that old wookie life debt, probably yeah

and here is the ‘kessel run’ falcon, which a, guess who’s gonna make the kessel run in under 12 parsecs in this film, that’s right, lando

and then b, notice all the blast off panels with crappy regular old falcon underneath, as well as the (maybe even supposed to be detachable) extra bit between the nose forks

does this mean the falcon is brand new when it first appears and then it gets just fucking trashed over the course of the movie as the shiny hull plating is slowly blasted away, never to be replaced, such that when the falcon appears in a new hope everyone who knows anything about the yt-1300 freighter or just spaceships generally turns to han and says ‘hey, you know it’s not supposed to look like that, right?’

or, more delightfully, was the falcon already vintage garbage at the time of the kessel run, and all that shiny plating is just paint and gloss to fake their way into some kind of scam, such as entering the ‘kessel run’ as a respectable racing pilot, oops it was an illegally modified piece of shit bc hank, lando, dany, other characters they’re not promoting as heavily, and haymitch are all fucking liars

the movie managed to actually best my predictions. fifteen mimutes after meeting, han and chewie are sharing a shower to wash all that mud off, and the falcon looks like that in SOLO vs the way it looks for the next thirty years bc lando likes nice things.

(the dude with the keys is more of a character than i expected but idk what his name is bc he's not important. who is important but hasnt had any toys released yet is L3, and all of qiras toys are based on her one scene from the prologue, except one lego mini figure that comes with the at hauler.)

100% certain han and lando once got married for a scam and forgot to have it annulled so they were technically married for several years and one day lando comes in and goes “real quick: are we solo-calrissian or calrissian-solo? also, i want a divorce” and han is like baby no where did i go wrong we can still fix this

@unpretty‘s tags are legit, as always.

#ostensibly it was for a scam but we all know the truth#they forget to get divorced until han is getting married again#do you think polyamorous marriage is legal in star wars#it has to be right#so han is accidentally married to like three people#and leia is kind of annoyed by this so he goes to lando#who doesn’t understand the problem because legally speaking he is married to a city-state#he solves a lot of problems by marrying them#he also creates a lot of problems but those are for future lando#not current lando who is currently explaining that he has built a complex tax scheme on his marriages#and his marriage to han is loadbearing#do you have any idea what this would do to his tax deductions han#it would destroy them#han hasn’t paid space taxes in years but it turns out he’s lando’s dependent and lando has actually been collecting a refund this whole time#han is offended and wants his refunds but lando is like no fuck you#if you did your own space taxes you’d be paying twice what i’m getting

Okay but if Han is neither living with Lando nor having <%50 of his supporting costs covered by Lando he wouldn’t be a dependent? Also spouses aren’t dependents, they are spouses, they get a personal exemption.

So what really would have to be happening here is that Lando is filing for them as Married Filing Jointly. And the only way for that to make sense without having any income listed for Han is if he’s claiming that Han is a stay-at-home house husband. Which is 100% more hilarious, if you ask me.

Especially because when Han and Leia get married that doesn’t change? Leia is off running the New Republic, so Han is totally home with Ben. And every April Leia and Lando have an epic game a sabac to determine who gets Han’s personal exemption that year.

those are the rules for federal tax law in america, on earth, where only human beings can be married to a single other human being at any given time

if we are assuming that in space it is possible to be polyamorously married to various forms of alien, humanoid and otherwise, with variable lifespans and definitions of intimacy, we must also assume that the rules around the tax laws created to incentivize marriage must also be different

‘married filing jointly’ makes very little sense for situations where you are married to three people who each have their own spouses who may not be married to you, and furthermore the tax status is only necessary if what you are trying to encourage is long-term monogamous relationships (which i don’t think the empire or the republic particularly care about). and dependency rules about co-habitation do not make sense for species whose biology or culture negates the possibility of co-habitation even in closely intimate relationships (and definitely doesn’t make sense if someone’s job requires them to spend most of their time traveling through space hauling cargo, or if the government has mandated they work on another planet for some unspecified period of time)

(there is also no meaningful definition of ‘annually’ in the context of space taxes, and therefore taxation periods must be defined per-planet as lived on by the head of household)

(we must also assume that each planet has its own tax structure, and therefore what we are worried about here are republican or empirical taxes, or as they are colloquially known, ‘space taxes’, the taxes you pay to the space government as opposed to your planetary government)

in theory we could assume that the space government simply doesn’t incentivize marriage, because why would they, but that doesn’t work for fic purposes. therefore the most logical reason for the incentive is liability. in that case, each marriage would define one person as the head of household, and the other as a dependent–with the head of household being the person who is legally liable for the other’s taxes and whatnots. if a HoH also has legal access to the assets of their dependents, in order to maintain the household, this creates a set of checks and balances (as it were).

the person in a marriage defined as head of household must therefore be someone that the dependent trusts to be able to keep their shit in order, and the person defined as a dependent must be someone the head of household trusts not to totally bail on them with a bunch of federal property. who’s who therefore becomes a personal choice between the married individuals.

if we assume this stacks, then let’s say person A is married to person B, and person B is also married to person C. if person A is HoH in the first marriage, and person B is HoH in the second marriage, person A still gets access to all the assets of person C as the dependent of their dependent. this means if your husband is thinking about marrying some fucking rando, you’re incentivized to make sure everything is on the level so you don’t have some shady motherfucker with complete access to your assets, or alternately, the ability to make you legally liable for serious space crimes. this is the primary disincentive for fraud–marrying someone who wants to commit fraud is a fast track to either getting all your shit stolen or else ending up in jail for a crime you didn’t commit.

alternately, if lando is married to han, and leia is married to han, and lando and leia are both HoH, things get theoretically complicated. things can get split up according to various formulas, or one of them (leia, it’s leia) can claim more limited benefits in exchange for giving up the majority, as well as surrendering access to han’s assets or liability for his dumb horseshit (”don’t look at me, call his husband, i’m not responsible for that dingus i just have the option to be. you think i want access to his checking account? he’s got three dollars and a pack of gum in there.”). marriage in that case is more a matter of having familial access to your spouse (hospital visitation, etc).

the majority of incentives (in the form of exemptions, credits, etc) would be for the HoHs of dependents who do work the government particularly needs done, because government contractors are the ones the government is most worried about bailing off to nowhere planet with a bunch of stuff. a liability-based system makes it possible for the space government to go to their spouse like “hey… your husband took off with all our shit, pay up please”. therefore having certain kinds of dependent would alter the type of HoH someone is in order to determine what benefits they receive and what liabilities they are assumed to have taken on.

that’s the logic i used, anyway

me after tfa - finn/poe/rey

me after tlj - finn/rose/rey + poe/leia

me before rogue one - jyn/biggs cassian

me after rogue one - jyn/cassian/k2 + CHIRRUT/BAZE

me before SOLO - lando/han/chewie?

me after SOLO - in the lord and miller version, was enfys nest the daughter of woody and val, did val originally come back at the end all 'surprise i was leading the cloud riders all along also i am going to go get mon mothma and jimmy smits and start the rebellion', bc i looooved enfys in the ron howard cut just fine but val was criminally underused, and that enfys helmet reveal felt like we were supposed to recognize her, or if not us, that woody harrelson's character knew who her mother was, and maybe that's all a reach rooted in jj abrams puzzle box clue trail that isn't here, but it raises questions abt what got changed that are prolly going to take years to confirm

also chewie/freedom for his people + lando/l3

Thandie Newton attends the screening of ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ during the 71st annual Cannes Film Festival at Palais des Festivals on May 15, 2018 in Cannes, France.