For more Palestinian poems -- Arab Lit & Arab Lit Quarterly (who are also on here @ arablit) have produced and are updating a resource of Palestinian writers and the work they have produced called "Palestinian Poems with & for the Now" mostly written in the last four months.
My chronic pain doctor suggested I exercise more
I asked him “how?”
He looked confused. Said I should try a bit every day
I said “not when, how?” I asked what exercises I should do
He suggested half a dozen options that had all been explicitly banned by other doctors. I’m not allowed to run. I’m not allowed to bike. I’m not allowed to use my rowing machine or my punching bag.
I walk my dog whenever I have the energy and when it doesn’t hurt too much
What else can I do?
He told me I should exercise more
And then he changed the subject.
Next time a doctor tells me that, I'm asking "how?"
the first thing I did in my journey out of bed was kind of an accidental win. I bought a weighted blanket when I didn’t even have a gp because my other one left the area just before the pandemic hit, and didn’t give me any suggestions where to go when I was struggling a lot with brain fog; so I was without support or painkillers for a year.
it’s pale pink and fluffy. lighter than the one the company recommended for my age and size, and it’s still very heavy for me. the way all of the beads pull in such an unwieldy fashion can make it difficult to pull onto the bed. I could only handle half an hour at a time at the beginning.
but slowly, completely by accident, it actually helped. especially my core muscles and thighs from turning over in bed. I was just feeling anxious. I had no room in my head for thoughts of exercise. but I actually put on a scant bit of muscle. it was crazy
the second bit of exercise I started doing was to get out of bed and sit in a chair by the window instead of laying in bed.
the third, wearing clothes. showering a little more often. putting two braids in my hair instead of one.
then doing laundry
then learning to cook again, because brain fog had robbed me of most of what I knew.
and of course cooking meant more and better food, which gave me more energy and helped my body get a bit stronger
in there were stretches. I had no room in my head for videos or books so I did the three I could still remember from back when I saw a good physio years ago. I could only do three repeats at first, not even the five that was a recommended set.
all of that helped me get strong enough to make it to sit through a two day course at the pain clinic, and thankfully they weren’t like OP’s doctor, they were adamant that pacing is vital to any improvement if you have chronic pain. pushing too far too fast is the enemy. low and slow. persistence. is key
it was crazy to sit in that chair with my blanket and a pillow to hold onto so I could lean on it, and prop myself up, because a lot of what they said I’d kind of worked out. but they were scientists and doctors who had all experienced chronic pain and so they had the terminology and were able to piece it together
and most of all they vindicated my own course that I’d stepped on by accident.
and finally when my new gp asked me every month whether I’d thought about taking some walks I was able to say ‘I believe I’ll get there, but not yet. and the pain climic agree with me.’
and I did get there. I don’t walk as much as she would like but honestly I don’t think she’ll ever be happy lmao
the thing most doctors, even many chronic illness specialists and chronic pain specialists fail to account for is that the activity you’re already doing is important (vital, even, because personal maintenance and living life is very important!) and it’s already exercise and strain and very energy consumptive. it counts! and also they greatly underestimate the incredible value of seriously seriously small, tiny, incremental steps that can actually account for massive improvement over time for the chronically ill—if we’re allowed to pace ourselves properly, for, like…ever and not just a certain period of time
I don’t know your pain, I don’t know your body. but I recommend that you sit down and think about—or perhaps actually just take note over the course of your days and weeks, what activity you’re already doing. maybe at first you’ll only notice when something makes you hurt, but take note of it. because that matters*. and you can build off of that. slowly slowly slowly.
you’re a persistence predator. we walk slower, we do everything slower; and many of us will never get to a place where the average physio will approve of our condition.
but fuck them. we can build muscle; I’ve seen it. we can gain small amounts of improvement without undoing all of the good work we put in. but we have to be patient, and persistent, and we have to be cautious and we have to be brave
*I do feel the need to add that I also learned how to arrange my day so that some activities hurt less. and I learned over the course of a year —and really i’m still learning—to see my days in fifteen minute to half hour increments because I have to consider PEM as well. stretches have to happen if I sit in the chair too long. especially if I’m on my computer. a very short walk is best if I’ve been out and sitting at tables because that puts so much strain on my back. it takes spoons and it’s really tempting to think it’s too much but I generally find the pain the next day if I don’t takes more spoons than if I do. most activities at home are done in fifteen minute on thirty minute off shifts. when I say slow I mean slow
that’s not always possible. I don’t have kids, and just sent the cat I was living with to another home with someone who could bend without crying all the time. I have time and space to set that pace and not everyone can. life can be complicated.
but
you can exercise. you just need to vastly vastly change what the word exercise movement activity mean for you.
anyway I hope that helps
big pain day today so I’m feeling very bitey esp about doctors
I suffer from chronic pain and hypermobility which means I have some permanent soft tissue damage from doing sports like karate and gymnastics while hypermobile, which makes exercise difficult. As a result, and because I'm working full time which takes up all my spoons and have literally no movement the entire day except for going to the kitchen for a coffee or to the bathroom, I've been experiencing some nasty muscle atrophy.
I can physically feel myself lose all my muscle tone, and I've taken to doing full range squats every time I take milk out of the fridge or put it back, and carrying water buckets to water the animals that are just barely a bit uncomfortable to carry and eating as much protein as I can, just so I don't end up completely immobile. It didn't feel like enough, so I looked up exercises to prevent muscle atrophy, and it took reading through 14 listings to find good, sound, evidence based advice for people actually dealing with degenerative conditions and chronic pain.
The advice? Aerobics. Seriously mild aerobic exercise is what's recommended to maintain muscle tone and manage pain. Stretching too if your body allows it but mostly just basic aerobics. Like grab a beginner zumba video, follow along within your limits, and do that until you have some sweat and are out of breath. If you feel dizzy you should breathe deeper, and if you're unable to speak a full sentence you've overdone it.
Seriously I'm not even kidding the advice is "do light aerobic exercise until you have some perspiration and are comfortably out of breath" and you do that every other day, less at first if you're very sore after a session, until you can build up to 30 minutes of light to medium intensity aerobic exercise every other day.
The reason aerobics is suggested is because it improves cardiovascular fitness, but it also improves mobility and muscle strength. Every other article I read through suggested hiit or weight training, and I knew that wasn't possible for me because of my hypermobility and accumulated injuries. Aerobics? I can do that! That's easy and fun! And it prevents muscle loss, helps stabalize your posture by training deeper muscles and your core muscles, and also improves cardiovascular fitness which can have a positive influence on chronic pain and even mental illness.
And because the article gave a hard and clear limit, light perspiration and comfortably out of breath but still able to speak a full sentence, it's easy to monitor whether I've over or underdone it. They also say that if your muscles are sore for more than a day that you overdid it, and if the poke test hurts too. Literally if you poke your thigh and it hurts like a bitch you did too much too fast. Like it can be sore but you should still be able to move around comfortably and if you walk into something not want to collapse in pain.
This is completely different from everything I've ever been taught about exercise and it took me very much by surprise. They also suggest yoga for those capable for more core stability, but it's something you have to work up to. Light weight training is an option, but it has to be at that sweet spot where you can do 10 to 15 repetitions without shaking or jerking. If you're doing that your weight is too heavy. If you can comfortably do 20 reps or more your weight is too light. Remember we're not only not in the type of peak physical condition that weight lifters are in, we're also not trying to build a huge bulk of muscle in a short amount of time. We're just trying to gain and maintain enough muscle mass to be more physically supported and less prone to injury to decrease our pain.
And some additional info I learned years ago is your heart rate can increase however much it does, but if you're dizzy, experiencing chest pains, or getting a bounding pulse (which is where you feel your pulse throughout your entire body) then stop immediately. It also won't at first but ideally you should be able to get back to a resting heart rate after exercise in 5 to 15 minutes. If it takes longer you overdid it. The shorter the recovery time the fitter your heart is.
In the paraphrased words of Alexis Nicole, Happy exercising, don't die!
Just a bunch of Useful websites - Updated for 2023
Removed/checked all links to make sure everything is working (03/03/23). Hope they help!
Sejda - Free online PDF editor.
Supercook - Have ingredients but no idea what to make? Put them in here and it’ll give you recipe ideas.
Still Tasty - Trying the above but unsure about whether that sauce in the fridge is still edible? Check here first.
Archive.ph - Paywall bypass. Like 12ft below but appears to work far better and across more sites in my testing. I’d recommend trying this one first as I had more success with it.
12ft – Hate paywalls? Try this site out.
Where Is This - Want to know where a picture was taken, this site can help.
TOS/DR - Terms of service, didn’t read. Gives you a summary of terms of service plus gives each site a privacy rating.
OneLook - Reverse dictionary for when you know the description of the word but can’t for the life of you remember the actual word.
My Abandonware - Brilliant site for free, legal games. Has games from 1978 up to present day across pc and console. You’ll be surprised by some of the games on there, some absolute gems.
Project Gutenberg – Always ends up on these type of lists and for very good reason. All works that are copyright free in one place.
Ninite – New PC? Install all of your programs in one go with no bloat or unnecessary crap.
PatchMyPC - Alternative to ninite with over 300 app options to keep upto date. Free for home users.
Unchecky – Tired of software trying to install additional unwanted programs? This will stop it completely by unchecking the necessary boxes when you install.
Sci-Hub – Research papers galore! Check here before shelling out money. And if it’s not here, try the next link in our list.
LibGen – Lots of free PDFs relate primarily to the sciences.
Zotero – A free and easy to use program to collect, organize, cite and share research.
Car Complaints – Buying a used car? Check out what other owners of the same model have to say about it first.
CamelCamelCamel – Check the historical prices of items on Amazon and set alerts for when prices drop.
Have I Been Pawned – Still the king when it comes to checking if your online accounts have been released in a data breach. Also able to sign up for email alerts if you’ve ever a victim of a breach.
I Have No TV - A collection of documentaries for you to while away the time. Completely free.
Radio Garden – Think Google Earth but wherever you zoom, you get the radio station of that place.
Just The Recipe – Paste in the url and get just the recipe as a result. No life story or adverts.
Tineye – An Amazing reverse image search tool.
My 90s TV – Simulates 90’s TV using YouTube videos. Also has My80sTV, My70sTV, My60sTV and for the younger ones out there, My00sTV. Lose yourself in nostalgia.
Foto Forensics – Free image analysis tools.
Old Games Download – A repository of games from the 90’s and early 2000’s. Get your fix of nostalgia here.
Online OCR – Convert pictures of text into actual text and output it in the format you need.
Remove Background – An amazingly quick and accurate way to remove backgrounds from your pictures.
Twoseven – Allows you to sync videos from providers such as Netflix, Youtube, Disney+ etc and watch them with your friends. Ad free and also has the ability to do real time video and text chat.
Terms of Service, Didn’t Read – Get a quick summary of Terms of service plus a privacy rating.
Coolors – Struggling to get a good combination of colors? This site will generate color palettes for you.
This To That – Need to glue two things together? This’ll help.
Photopea – A free online alternative to Adobe Photoshop. Does everything in your browser.
BitWarden – Free open source password manager.
Just Beam It - Peer to peer file transfer. Drop the file in on one end, click create link and send to whoever. Leave your pc on that page while they download. Because of how it works there are no file limits. It’s genuinely amazing. Best file transfer system I have ever used.
Atlas Obscura – Travelling to a new place? Find out the hidden treasures you should go to with Atlas Obscura.
ID Ransomware – Ever get ransomware on your computer? Use this to see if the virus infecting your pc has been cracked yet or not. Potentially saving you money. You can also sign up for email notifications if your particular problem hasn’t been cracked yet.
Way Back Machine – The Internet Archive is a non-profit library of millions of free books, movies, software, music, websites and loads more.
Rome2Rio – Directions from anywhere to anywhere by bus, train, plane, car and ferry.
Splitter – Seperate different audio tracks audio. Allowing you to split out music from the words for example.
myNoise – Gives you beautiful noises to match your mood. Increase your productivity, calm down and need help sleeping? All here for you.
DeepL – Best language translation tool on the web.
Forvo – Alternatively, if you need to hear a local speaking a word, this is the site for you.
Ok I love this???
"baptise me in hot dog water"
Hot dog water - there's a Tumblr post out there I've seen saying hot dog water is the opposite of holy water, due to the fact that a single drop of it will contaminate what it touches. I assume this was partly inspired by this allusion but who knows for sure.
Also the the idea of holy water as inhuman and cleaning vs hot dog water as the remains of feeding someone - often a child - and entirely human. It may be dirty and I do not want it on me but God hot dog water has some memories. You will not wash away my sins. They're mine. Also, anyone can make hot dog water but holy water is refined, restricted (yes anyone can make it in an emergency but lay people are restricted from it)
"you and I both know"
Unlike baptism for babies, this one is done between two people who are both aware of what is happening. The one receiving the baptism gives the orders about what they want to happen. The giver and receiver are portrayed as equals. They are equally aware of their humanity.
"the holy stuff won't take"
Ooof heartbreaking, amazing line. Raises so many questions. What does it mean when the water "takes"? What has the receiver done that makes them unfit for holy water? Or, what has the holy water done that makes it to weak to help, to be a part of your life?
The poem as a whole - I love the lack of capitalization. It adds a sort of intimacy to the poem, and the statement from the speaker. The high words "baptise" and "holy" being offset by "take" and "hot dog". Also "hot dog water" vs "holy stuff." The cadence! I would lick it.
I love the serious analysis, and I think I find it persuasive.
This also sheds a lot of light on some plot points in Scooby Doo! Mystery Incorporated.
Not to turn this into another house full of chintz, but I'mma fuck this poem on the floor.
Meter
There are two readings of the poem's meter that I immediately identify, the first is how I'd want to read it, and the second is how a normal person would probably read it, but both make the same point.
In my interpretation (left), the first line is four wholely irregular feet: an iamb into a dibrach into two trochees; The second line is two trouches into a hanging stressed syllable; And the third line is three iambs.
In the more normal interpretation(right), the first line and second line are six trochees all together plus that hanging syllable in 'knowing' which transitions the poem to iambic trimeter.
And look at the interesting result of that laid bare:
In English poetry there's a tradition, all other things being equal, that iambs are considered the sophisticated foot with trochees often being contrasted as the vulgar or common foot.
The vulgar in specificity "hot dog water" is put in trochee, while the respectably vague "the holy stuff" is afforded iambs. Without the poet having thought of the stress things the pattern actively, this incapulation of the English poetic tradition is astounding. Especially when you consider the
Chiasmus
Chiasmus is a figure of rhetorical construction, in which two pairs of ideas are laid across each other, A B B A. It's one of the more popular figures of rhetoric and if you're looking for it you'll see it everywhere.
In the most literal sense, it's about repetition; but, you can apply it more liberally to ideas, thoughts, or in this case, parts of speech:
The nouns and verb pairs in the first and third lines crossover each other. They are in chiasmus. Structurally, the inversion makes the poem feel more solid, while still furthering emphasizing the contrast between the idea of hot dog water and the holy stuff.
Opening with a command and closing with a result.
FYI to sick or disabled folks and those who assist or care for them: Simplicity patterns has a new line of adaptive sewing patterns. Designs include tops with port access, clothing with velcro closures, bags and cushions for mobility aids, bibs, chemo hats, and more.
I’m excited about these because they are the first patterns of this kind I’ve seen anywhere. And Simplicity patterns are great for beginning sewists, with very clear step by step instructions and illustrations.
Patterns can be purchased here: https://simplicity.com/simplicity/adaptive/
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my favorite domesticated animal!
Yes, adorable, but JEEZ, the skill of that driver!
What is Catatonia?
Here's the definition of what catatonia is: Catatonia is a group of symptoms that usually involve a lack of movement and communication, and also can include agitation, confusion, and restlessness. It's a symptom of schizophrenia, but people with autism, bipolar and other severe mental illnesses can also experience catatonia. Symptoms include:
- Not responding to other people or their environment
- Not speaking
- Holding their body in an unusual position
- Resisting people who try to adjust their body
- Agitation
- Repetitive, seemingly meaningless movement
- Mimicking someone else’s speech
- Mimicking someone else’s movements
There are 3 known types:
Akinetic catatonia. This is the most common. Someone with akinetic catatonia often stares blankly and won’t respond when you speak to them. If they do respond, it may only be to repeat what you said. Sometimes they sit or lie in an unusual position and won’t move.
Excited catatonia. With this type, the person may move around, but their movement seems pointless and impulsive. They may seem agitated, combative, or delirious, or they may mimic the movements of someone who’s trying to help them.
Malignant catatonia. This type happens when the symptoms lead to other health problems, like dangerous changes in blood pressure, body temperature, or breathing or heart rate. Someone who’s catatonic for a long time may be more likely to have problems like dehydration, blood clots, or kidney failure as a result of the symptoms. If sedatives don't work, quick action is needed in someone's life or catatonia is severe then treatments include: Anti anxiety medications, Electroconvulsive therapy.
friend texted me this and im dying. why on earth would the global south play as those fighting back against imperialism?? and the global north enjoy playing out imperialist fantasies?? i’m sure there’s no implications to this whatsoever
i don’t think we talk about the way frank utilizes costume, and specifically uniforms, enough. white pants and shirts with sharpied ø’s, the death spells striped sweaters, white standard low wage “salaryman” looks with black ties, the boiler suits, the scrubs, the hospital gown. that frank has always emphasized that he liked “bands that look like a band,” that he stated the jumpsuits were a kind of mindset, that they wore them to understand themselves as technicians, that they would go to work and work on their craft, it was a type of dedication to their artistry. that frank tends to lean towards blue collar workers, towards the unglamorous reality of everyday healthcare workers, towards the unglamorous reality of being one of their patients. that when frank wears white, there’s nothing to hide. all the dirt, all the filth, all the sweat, all the blood, his vulnerability will always be visible, apparent. i think there’s something so important there in his solo work, not only with the content of his music, but that he spent so long dressed in black, dressed in red, in colors that absorb all the filth because they needed to be bulletproof. but that frank chose white as a common thread amongst his solo work, that he would force us to confront all of it there on that canvas, all the blood in joyriding, all the confetti and cake and glitter in great party, all the filth from on stage, all the sweat and dedication, that in a way he made himself a canvas for all that passion and all the scuffs along the way.
friends an article about the mcr tour set design just dropped!!
the original set was going to have souls on earth climbing to an angel behind the band. the design direction changed for foundations. they didn’t want LED panels or video and the designers got to play around with dynamic lighting on set pieces. there is a 30 page powerpoint embedded in the article with design concepts. this is nuts
the turkey swiss on rye incident
aha, the full post. get back on my blog.
The thing about the phrase, "There are no stupid questions" is that it doesn't feel true to the person who needs to ask but it feels incredibly true to the person who can answer.
To expand on this a bit, we're surrounded by the idea of "everybody knows" and we're made to feel ashamed of our lack of knowledge. If you don't know something, it can feel like you must be an idiot to have to ask someone.
But the people who know the answer? The ones who learned it before you? They used to be where you are now. The know what it's like not to know the answer, and they know it's something that you'll struggle with if you need to learn it on your own.
Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness. Not knowing something isn't a sign of stupidity. Give the people around you the chance to share their knowledge with you and both of you will benefit as a result.
I struggle with this on a daily basis. I have since I was a little kid and I was labeled "gifted", and everyone expected me to do so well that I started being afraid to ask questions because....what if someone found out that I DON'T KNOW?!??!
I used to have this struggle, but the way I personally manage it is by asking questions all the time. Idle curiosity? Ask a question. Need help with something? Ask a question. Can't remember that thing that happened that one time with that guy- you know the one? Ask a question.
People see me as curious and engaged with the world, not stupid.
I also do the work the answer the questions that I can answer on my own. I'll look things up or check with my usual sources and then I'll reach out and ask for confirmation. This makes me seem resourceful but also careful.
Don't assume what someone else's interpretation of you is going to be. Odds are decent it's going to be more positive than your interpretation of yourself. And if they do end up thinking you're an idiot? Well, is there anything more satisfying than proving someone wrong.
Coming back to this one because one of my coworkers booked a meeting with me on Friday because they needed help figuring out what questions to ask for a project they were just starting up. They explained the project briefly, and I rattled off 15-20 questions off the top of my head and they just couldn't get over the fact that I was able to ask such good questions without even thinking about it.
Asking questions is a skill and the more you do it, the better you are at it. To the point that other people will ask you how they can do it too.
Why did we stop talking about the manson girl outfit? The manson girl outfit made so many of the other outfits make sense to me. I wanna talk about the manson girl outfit.
Let’s talk about more than that, though. Let’s talk about the textually feminine costumes—by which I mean the costumes that clearly and explicitly invoke femininity—that Gerard has worn on stage. Let’s talk about how all of them have referenced traditional American archetypes of female cultural and social power.
I want to offer one way of reading these outfits. Not the only way, of course. Also, I don’t mean to reach any concrete conclusions about Gerard’s gender, though I don’t think that anything I’m saying here contradicts anyone’s attempt to do so in any direction. Often I see dissections of these outfits supporting the point of Gerard’s gender non-conformity without addressing how or why he chose a specific manner of playing with gender.
To me, it’s incredibly obvious how intentional and deliberate these choices are. And I think a failure to recognize these outfits as a specific artistic choice does Gerard a disservice. Exploring the layered motivations for a specific kind of gendered expression does not preclude these costumes from being an important, interesting, and personal manifestation of gender nonconformity. In fact, I’d say it supports that interpretation even more.
Okay, all that said! As I mentioned earlier, the Manson Girl costume triggered these thoughts. I saw very little discussion of the costume at all, which I think is a shame.
[source: Trish Badger]
I know why; people struggle to talk about cults and the people involved in them. Obviously, it's a complex issue that requires nuance. Full disclosure, I am a cult survivor myself—and thus am uniquely acquainted with the complexity of victimhood and culpability for cult members from my own deconstruction journey.
But I think that Gerard intentionally chose to dress up as a female cultural symbol that embodies this uncomfortable gray area. Actually, I don’t think it’s the only one meant to evoke that frustrating moral ambiguity. The First Lady, The Nurse, The Teacher, The Cheerleader, The Devoted Follower—all of these important American archetypes symbolize feminine power, victimhood, and violence. When Gerard performs these identities on stage, he offers commentary on his own role in American society.
[sources from left to right: Laurie Fanelli; Steve Pedulla; Jess Williams; Scott Raymer]
Sophia @sendmyresignation pointed out to me that these are not just important figures within general Americana; they hold significance within rock music specifically. Rock relies on the convenient metaphor of these women at their worst. The cheerleader stands in for every girl who never saw successful men for their worth; the female teacher stands in for oppressive authority figures holding men back. The Manson Girls, too, have become a cultural icon for music to evoke. Their violent, mindless devotion to Charles Manson (and more overtly, their beliefs surrounding the Beatles and Helter-Skelter) is an obvious parallel to the crazed devotion of fans to celebrity musicians.
These representations of women are generally pretty misogynistic, as the songs that invoke them create distance between the successful male musician and the women who don’t understand them. But not here. Not right now.
Gerard, the rockstar, the cult leader, the most powerful person in the room when he’s on stage, takes these figures that are traditionally degraded by people in his position, and takes on their societal role. He’s not the president; he’s the president’s wife. He’s not the cult leader; he’s the cult leader’s devoted follower. He’s not the doctor you respect; he’s the nurse you trust. He’s not the man looking back with scorn at the popular girl who never noticed him in high school; he’s the cheerleader drowning in equal parts admiration and ire.
My Chemical Romance occupies a position within American society that allows them to wield substantial economic and social power. But every ounce of power they gain from their position in the industry further constricts them to specific roles, a specific life. And with more power comes the ability to cause real harm.
The female figures of Gerard’s costumes represent the only socially prescribed and socially approved avenues for women to obtain power. These women can’t be the politician, but they can exert influence over him as his wife. They can’t control the adult men in their lives, but they can teach children. They can’t go to medical school, but they can make many of the life-or-death decisions for their patients.
These positions—the First Lady; the Nurse; the Teacher; the Manson Girl; the rockstar—allow for violence, intentional or otherwise. In a horror context, these figures unsettle because of the blurred lines of culpability and victimhood they convey. This uncomfortable feminine danger is obvious with the Manson Girls, who committed brutal murders in the name of the abusive man who brainwashed them, but these other female archetypes exert power over others as a reaction to more abstract misogyny.
The nurse costume, for example, references in part the Nurse Ratched character, the heartless, sadistic caretaker of the all-male psychiatric care facility in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Even the adored Jackie Onassis, benevolent as her image is, represents a strata of American society akin to an untouchable nobility, an American aristocracy that only occasionally reached out to those below them.
Their violence cannot be separated from their victimhood. Their victimhood cannot be separated from their violence. The condition of their subjugation lends them the very power it limits.
Just as Conventional Weapons used military service as a metaphor for the predatory music industry, Gerard’s choice to wear these outfits can be read as specific commentary on his own institutional power, on his own ambivalence about his role as cultural nobility. He arguably occupies one of the highest positions in society one could achieve; yet as much as this empowers him, as much as this is the life he chose for himself, it also constricts him. It is uncontrollable. It can cause harm. Not so long ago, after all, the media demonized MCR as creating a subculture that glorified self-harm and suicide. Gerard wears the same dress and cardigan as members of a violent cult as someone who has been accused of starting a violent cult himself on multiple occasions and by no small number of people.
I think, too, that it shouldn’t be taken as a coincidence that he has chosen to perform as these specific women, these feminine figures who find power through their compliance in and performance of constrained, gendered roles. There’s something to be said about the stage, by nature a confined space, being a place where gender nonconformity can be expressed safely, where the costume can be put on and taken off, where it is expected to be put on and taken off.
It’s a distinctly feminine demonstration of horror; it’s a horror best expressed through the feminine.
Why did we stop talking about the manson girl outfit? The manson girl outfit made so many of the other outfits make sense to me. I wanna talk about the manson girl outfit.
Let’s talk about more than that, though. Let’s talk about the textually feminine costumes—by which I mean the costumes that clearly and explicitly invoke femininity—that Gerard has worn on stage. Let’s talk about how all of them have referenced traditional American archetypes of female cultural and social power.
I want to offer one way of reading these outfits. Not the only way, of course. Also, I don’t mean to reach any concrete conclusions about Gerard’s gender, though I don’t think that anything I’m saying here contradicts anyone’s attempt to do so in any direction. Often I see dissections of these outfits supporting the point of Gerard’s gender non-conformity without addressing how or why he chose a specific manner of playing with gender.
To me, it’s incredibly obvious how intentional and deliberate these choices are. And I think a failure to recognize these outfits as a specific artistic choice does Gerard a disservice. Exploring the layered motivations for a specific kind of gendered expression does not preclude these costumes from being an important, interesting, and personal manifestation of gender nonconformity. In fact, I’d say it supports that interpretation even more.
Okay, all that said! As I mentioned earlier, the Manson Girl costume triggered these thoughts. I saw very little discussion of the costume at all, which I think is a shame.
[source: Trish Badger]
I know why; people struggle to talk about cults and the people involved in them. Obviously, it's a complex issue that requires nuance. Full disclosure, I am a cult survivor myself—and thus am uniquely acquainted with the complexity of victimhood and culpability for cult members from my own deconstruction journey.
But I think that Gerard intentionally chose to dress up as a female cultural symbol that embodies this uncomfortable gray area. Actually, I don’t think it’s the only one meant to evoke that frustrating moral ambiguity. The First Lady, The Nurse, The Teacher, The Cheerleader, The Devoted Follower—all of these important American archetypes symbolize feminine power, victimhood, and violence. When Gerard performs these identities on stage, he offers commentary on his own role in American society.
[sources from left to right: Laurie Fanelli; Steve Pedulla; Jess Williams; Scott Raymer]
Sophia @sendmyresignation pointed out to me that these are not just important figures within general Americana; they hold significance within rock music specifically. Rock relies on the convenient metaphor of these women at their worst. The cheerleader stands in for every girl who never saw successful men for their worth; the female teacher stands in for oppressive authority figures holding men back. The Manson Girls, too, have become a cultural icon for music to evoke. Their violent, mindless devotion to Charles Manson (and more overtly, their beliefs surrounding the Beatles and Helter-Skelter) is an obvious parallel to the crazed devotion of fans to celebrity musicians.
These representations of women are generally pretty misogynistic, as the songs that invoke them create distance between the successful male musician and the women who don’t understand them. But not here. Not right now.
Gerard, the rockstar, the cult leader, the most powerful person in the room when he’s on stage, takes these figures that are traditionally degraded by people in his position, and takes on their societal role. He’s not the president; he’s the president’s wife. He’s not the cult leader; he’s the cult leader’s devoted follower. He’s not the doctor you respect; he’s the nurse you trust. He’s not the man looking back with scorn at the popular girl who never noticed him in high school; he’s the cheerleader drowning in equal parts admiration and ire.
My Chemical Romance occupies a position within American society that allows them to wield substantial economic and social power. But every ounce of power they gain from their position in the industry further constricts them to specific roles, a specific life. And with more power comes the ability to cause real harm.
The female figures of Gerard’s costumes represent the only socially prescribed and socially approved avenues for women to obtain power. These women can’t be the politician, but they can exert influence over him as his wife. They can’t control the adult men in their lives, but they can teach children. They can’t go to medical school, but they can make many of the life-or-death decisions for their patients.
These positions—the First Lady; the Nurse; the Teacher; the Manson Girl; the rockstar—allow for violence, intentional or otherwise. In a horror context, these figures unsettle because of the blurred lines of culpability and victimhood they convey. This uncomfortable feminine danger is obvious with the Manson Girls, who committed brutal murders in the name of the abusive man who brainwashed them, but these other female archetypes exert power over others as a reaction to more abstract misogyny.
The nurse costume, for example, references in part the Nurse Ratched character, the heartless, sadistic caretaker of the all-male psychiatric care facility in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Even the adored Jackie Onassis, benevolent as her image is, represents a strata of American society akin to an untouchable nobility, an American aristocracy that only occasionally reached out to those below them.
Their violence cannot be separated from their victimhood. Their victimhood cannot be separated from their violence. The condition of their subjugation lends them the very power it limits.
Just as Conventional Weapons used military service as a metaphor for the predatory music industry, Gerard’s choice to wear these outfits can be read as specific commentary on his own institutional power, on his own ambivalence about his role as cultural nobility. He arguably occupies one of the highest positions in society one could achieve; yet as much as this empowers him, as much as this is the life he chose for himself, it also constricts him. It is uncontrollable. It can cause harm. Not so long ago, after all, the media demonized MCR as creating a subculture that glorified self-harm and suicide. Gerard wears the same dress and cardigan as members of a violent cult as someone who has been accused of starting a violent cult himself on multiple occasions and by no small number of people.
I think, too, that it shouldn’t be taken as a coincidence that he has chosen to perform as these specific women, these feminine figures who find power through their compliance in and performance of constrained, gendered roles. There’s something to be said about the stage, by nature a confined space, being a place where gender nonconformity can be expressed safely, where the costume can be put on and taken off, where it is expected to be put on and taken off.
It’s a distinctly feminine demonstration of horror; it’s a horror best expressed through the feminine.
Finally finished babey!!! Zone Runners is a ttrpg where you and your friends can run around the zones causing mayhem and helping (or maiming) all your favorite characters from the Danger Days world. You need a minimum of two players and not all of your group has to be there each time because the challenges are very modular.
I highly suggest downloading from itchio because the files will be better quality and there's a grayscale version. But I'm also putting the files here for ease of access
Don’t yell at me tumblr, there’s no nips or dicks.
Come get your Steddie fix. This took forever.
hello gerard way. love your work. why did you name your backing band The Hormones after writing an autobiographical album that only uses self-referential she/her pronouns. why did you write a verse in said album about the pain a trans woman feels after she’s misgendered. why did you give her a young daughter with the same star sign as your young daughter. why did you make your album mascot, a character you said you felt was you in another form, trans nonbinary. why did you spend the entire tour of said album talking about how much you love and support transgender kids every single night. why did you say you no longer felt like you were wearing a mask after discussing laura jane grace’s experience with dysphoria. why, during this tour, did you say you would have sought out gender-specialized therapy if you’d known about it when you were young. why did you cover sleater kinney between sets. why did you grow out your hair and turn into the prettiest little lady anyone’s ever seen once said tour was over. would you like non dairy milk for your coffee.