Healing Is Not Linear

I turn 31 on Saturday.

I remember the panic when I was turning 28. It felt like I really only began living in my mid twenties. I spent most of my teen years thinking I was going to kill myself eventually, so I never made a plan for my future.

I spent my early 20's struggling with suicidal thoughts, and I even made some genuine attempts. I really only began healing around then and it felt like it was only around 25 when I began really living.

It left me feeling sick with anxiety and sadness anytime my birthday came around because I felt like I'd lost so much time.

And I've come to realize that while I did lose years to mental illness, trauma and abuse... I still have so many years to enjoy. I can't get those back, and getting stuck on thinking about that is taking away my current time from me. I deserved better, but I can't fix that. I also deserve to enjoy my time now, and I can't do that when I'm stuck on the past.

As my birthday approaches this year, I don't feel anxiety. There's a little bit of sadness which I think is fair, but mostly I feel curiousity. I am curious for what the future holds, and I know that I can still make a beautiful life for myself.

I am so loved. I spend so much time laughing. I spend so much time doing stuff I love.

I lost time. But I don't have to continue losing time.

I hope that if you are dealing with the feelings I did about getting older because of the years you lost that you can get to a point like me. I allowed myself to grieve that loss, and I can't even fix that, but I can still enjoy my time now and I intend to.

You are a person. You are not a product. What they did to you doesn’t make you damaged goods.

There is no neat little box of what is “supposed to be traumatic”. Whether something is traumatic is about both what happened as well as the context in which it happened. Pre-existing stress, lack of coping skills, or lack of support after a negative event can make something much more traumatic to you than it would be to someone who is in a much more stable and supported point in their life. Some people are also just affected by things differently for no apparent reason.

You will find that some people go through events many would consider traumatic and don’t have any symptoms of trauma and vice versa.

I’ve been through CSA, SA, emotional abuse and a number of different traumas that people would without a doubt consider traumatic (and they were for me) and I can honestly say that I had a really traumatic experience with a spider. (Something others might not see as being traumatic). My phobia of spiders is pretty bad but one dropped down on me on my bed and that was well over two years ago, but I still have panic attacks and feel like it’s there and have flashbacks to that event. It’s so bad I can’t sleep some times because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s so bad that I’m planning to talk to a therapist about it to try and deal with it.

My point is that there’s no rules for what is “supposed” to be traumatic. If you feel traumatized, you’re absolutely valid.

This goes out to all of us who struggled in school as a result of our trauma. Maybe our grades suffered, or we were unable to make friends or whatever else. This is for those of us who got in trouble for it, or were made to feel ashamed or bad about it.

Your worth was never dependent on how well you did in school. You are worthy as you are now, and you were worthy then.

I'm so sorry that those in your life failed you. That you were taught that you were "failing" because you were struggling. That you didn't get the help you needed. You deserved so much better.

Your trauma does not define you.

You define you.

Even people whose trauma you perceive as so terrible you can barely imagine it tell themselves “it could have been worse.”

Even people with trauma that you can’t see any possible way of avoiding will blame themselves.

Beating yourself up over your trauma is an extremely common reaction.

Whatever you went through, it was hard and bad and real, and no one deserves to go through it. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel about it, whether that be sad or angry or upset or scared, or anything else.

Your feelings are valid, and it wasn’t your fault.

You’re valid if your grief and trauma doesn’t follow society’s expected timeline. You’re valid if the things people would expect to be “less bad” affect you more or for longer than the things that people consider “worse”. There’s no timeline and there’s no standardized scale of trauma.

It wasn’t your fault.

You didn’t deserve it.

It’s okay to be angry. To be bitter. It’s okay if you came out hardened from your trauma. It doesn’t make you a “bad survivor”.

And even if you genuinely believe you’re a bad survivor, being a bad survivor wouldn’t change you validity, or whether you were deserving of healing and compassion.

Some of us aren’t strong. We survived because there was no alternative. The only way through was… through.

But it’s okay if we aren’t one of the strong ones. We are still just as valuable and deserving of credit and support for surviving.

(And before anyone comes on here to tell me that I’m wrong and I’m strong, that’s not your place. I’m not strong. And I don’t say that as a bad thing. I’m okay with it and admitting it has allowed me to heal. It isn’t a moral failing to not be strong.)

To those whose trauma occurred online, your trauma is just as valid and real as anyone else. I promise. You aren’t less valid if it was online. It being online doesn’t mean it’s your fault or that you deserved it. Your trauma and feelings are real and valid. And you deserved so much better.

I find that society wants trauma survivors who are soft. Survivors who are kind. Survivors who feel they’ve come out better because of their trauma. They want this so they can validate themselves and believe in “everything happens for a reason” because it makes them feel better.

But you don’t exist to make other people feel better. If you came out bitter, and hardened, that’s okay. If you don’t believe it made you stronger, then that’s okay!

My trauma didn’t make me stronger. I’m not “better” for my trauma. I didn’t need my trauma. My trauma just hurt. And I’m not going to pretend otherwise to make others feel comfortable.

You are allowed to be angry about what happened.

You are allowed to be angry about what they did.

What they did to you wasn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve it. And they were wrong for doing it to you.

When you sit there questioning whether it was "bad" enough, that's a pretty good indicator that it was.

It's a sign that your brain is trying to protect you from the reality of what happened because admitting it was bad enough and not being in denial anymore is scary.

And it's okay if you're scared and not ready yet, but when you are, remember that no matter how bad it was, it was never your fault and you didn't deserve any of it.

I remember making these awhile back when someone sent an ask in about how nice it would be if there were medals for this sort of thing. They aren't official, but I did throw these together!

My trauma didn't make me stronger. That credit goes to me and me alone.

I made me stronger. I pulled myself through. That strength was already a part of me.

My trauma did not add to my character. It did not make me kind. It did not make me a warrior.

Anything I am is thanks to me.

Maybe you want to argue that I wouldn't have found that strength without my trauma. But it's still my strength, that I found within myself. It already existed in me for me to be able to find it. My trauma does not deserve the credit for it.

And even if it did help me find that strength, it doesn't mean I'm "better" for my trauma in any way shape or form. The trauma didn't do me any favours. And I'd still be better off if it hadn't happened.