Transgender Teen Survival Guide

Lee says:

That’s 100% your decision. Some people choose to never come out to their families.

Of course, if you do medically transition and continue to see them, you’ll be outed by your body.

So this is only an option if you decide to never medically transition, or you decide to medically transition but never see them again.

If you’re choosing the latter, I’d personally recommend coming out. If you come out to them and they’re unsupportive, you can continue on with your low/no interaction plan. But you’ve given them the opportunity to come to terms with it over time, and there’s a chance they’ll eventually come around.

At worst, they never choose you over their transphobia, and you continue to not contact them which is what would have happened anyway. At best, they eventually change their minds and then you have the opportunity to have a relationship with them.

So if you do care about your family and do want them to be a part of your life, then coming out to them is something you should consider if you do decide to medically transition.

The pros of this include the possibility of one day being accepted, and the cons of this include the mental distress caused by a possible outright rejection. As always, it’s up to you (and nobody else) to decide if those pros and cons are worth it.

It’s valid to cut ties with them, and I know a lot of trans people who had very abusive families and they cut off all ties, moved away, changed their last names, and never spoke to them again (about their gender or anything else) as soon as that was a possibility, either when they were put into foster care, became emancipated minors, or turned 18. Some bridges deserve to be burned, even if it hurts.

How you decide to deal with your family is your decision, and you don’t “owe” them any information about your gender or life.

If you think that your family would reject you and cut ties to you if you came out to them, but you still want to be a part of the family for as long as you can, then it’s valid to consider staying closeted to them for as long as you can do so. But how long that remains a practical option for you will also depend on what steps you take in your medical transition, and how badly being closeted is affecting your mental health.

Not having a family to visit on holidays can be especially rough, and seeing other people celebrate milestones with their families can make you lonely if you (or they) end up cutting off contact. Dealing with familial rejection is really hard, so I’d recommend connecting with your “found family” and seeking out therapy or support groups to help you get through the hard times.

And of course, it’s okay to change your mind at some point in the future and come out then! There isn’t any coming out deadline for your family (other than doing it while they’re still alive) so it’s okay if you decide not to come out right now, but later in life when you’re more mentally stable and financially independent you might decide that you’re ready to try to come out and that’s okay too.

Lee says:

I’d address the situation directly. Find a time when you can talk to each of them one-on-one, if you’re comfortable doing so. If you’re not able to do that because of anxiety, send an email, a text, or write a letter to start the conversation.

You could say something like:

You can modify the above script to help you have an outline of what to say during the conversation! 

The Interpersonal relationships link has some info on communication that might help with the conversation:

This info is specifically about dealing with these people:

Basically, you want to state the problem (not using your pronouns), why it’s a problem (makes me feel bad/shows you don’t really see me as male), and then steps to make a solution (reminders/practice).

It’s not going to be something that will happen overnight, but by “calling them in” and having open and honest conversations about why it’s important to you you can at least make them aware that it’s happening and that you’ve noticed and care about it. 

Lee says:

Yep, check out the Transmasculine resources page, we have a Getting short hair post!

Lee says:

See this ask, and check out our Mental health page!

Lee says:

You may have to wait until 18 to legally change your name and get top surgery if she won’t consent to allowing it.

This is generally true unless you go to court and apply to become an emancipated minor which usually means you can prove that you’re economically self-sufficient, and then you’re legally responsible for taking care of yourself so she isn’t required to help you in any way and can legally kick you out if she so chose, but she also wouldn’t be in charge of your legal or medical decisions anymore.

And as always, if you’re think that you could be put in danger by telling her something, we usually advise that you put your safety first and wait to tell her until you have a safety plan and are able to deal with the potential consequences of her backlash. That may mean waiting until you’re 18- and it might not, it really depends on an individual’s particular situation.

Lee says:

Honestly, I couldn’t convince my parents to buy me a binder so I bought one for myself without them knowing. I explain how to do that in the link that’s at the end of this post.

If you want to continue attempting to convince your parents, This post and this post should be helpful.

You could say something like: “I think it would help me feel better about my (body/self/dysphoria) if I were able to bind. I’ve been really struggling with dysphoria, and not being able to bind has had a negative effect on my mental health. I feel more depressed and anxious because I can see my chest and I really need a binder to be able to cope. [Expand more on your mental state and dysphoria yourself as it applies to you] It’ll help me express my identity and get adjusted to being seen as [my gender] and help me pass which can help keep me safe. If I bind safely, it shouldn’t have any ill-effects besides making my chest a bit saggy, and I don’t mind that. I only plan on binding for 8 hours a day, and I won’t wear it to bed or during exercise, and I’ll take it off and change into a bra if I get uncomfortable…”

You have to try to explain the reason you need to bind then the precautions you’ll take to stay safe. The above is just an example- you’d have to change it to reflect your feelings and expand on that, like not everyone is trying to pass and so on.

And if that doesn’t work, or you get tired of waiting, our Binding FAQ has a How to buy a binder without parents knowing link!

Lee says:

If you’re trying to do it secretly and she keeps noticing, maybe it isn’t as secret as you think.

I’ve seen a lot of asks from trans folk saying things like “I’m packing with 3 or 4 big socks, and people are noticing/it doesn’t look natural” and that’s probably because you’re going too big in size. I’m guessing that most afab 15 year olds haven’t had the opportunity to see flaccid penises IRL, so oftentimes you’re working on a size assumption based on things you see in pornography and the like. A lot of sock packer tutorials make that mistake as well. 

As this post explains, a lot of flaccid penises are around the 3.5 inch range. When you’re packing, you want to look like you have a flaccid dick, not like you’re constantly walking around with a fully erect penis.

If you need context for how long 3.5″ is, you can see below that it’s only slightly longer than a normal sized credit card:

[Image description: A public library card next to a tape measure. The card is a standard size, the size of a credit card, and it’s 3.375 inches. /End ID]

So if you’re packing discreetly, with a sock packer that’s as close to a normal flaccid penis size and length, then she shouldn’t be able to easily notice it while you’re wearing jeans.

As for the “What pants” question, you’ll have to experiment with different types of pants and shorts on your own to see which ones minimize the obvious bulge look so she won’t notice that it’s there.

I personally feel like my packers are less noticeable in jeans and cargo pants and slacks and the like, and it’s more noticeable in basketball shorts. 

So my suggestion is to try to pack more discreetly so she won’t notice. If that doesn’t work, and she keeps on seeing it and telling you to take it off, then you should move on to trying to convince her. 

Check out the links in this post, and try to have a sit-down conversation with her where you explain why you’re packing, and why it’s hard for you to wear clothes without packing. She might be convinced if you really share your feelings, and if you say you’re going to buy a small packer or something so it’ll look more natural and less awkward or boner-y than what she may have been noticing before.

More info: Packing and standing to pee

Followers, any suggestions for anon on convincing their mom to let them pack?

Lee says:

Two things-

1) Parents often react negatively to your chosen name- I know mine did. If you had told her that you used a different name, she may have hated that one too just because it isn’t the name she named you. If you like your name, then you can keep it- even if your mom doesn’t like it. Your name is yours, and your mom can’t stop you from continuing to tell folks you meet to call you by your chosen name. And when you turn 18, you can legally change it without her consent.

2) If you want to change your name, it’s okay to do so! It can be awkward to tell people that you’re using a different name after all, but some people including a few of our mods like Kai and Delaine do change their chosen names more than once. So having already introduced yourself to people doesn’t mean that you can’t change your name.

So think about what you really want. If you’d be okay with changing your name to a name that you and your mom both like, then tell her you’re okay on compromising. If not, just continue using it! Maybe let her choose one of your middle names if you’re feeling generous.

Lee says:

I’d say that’s pretty common- you usually need to have more than one conversation with your family about the importance of using the right name and pronouns.

Their initial reaction may not be their permanent feelings on this. From your point of view, you just told them something that you’ve known for a while, something you always were, something that you probably had to grapple to come to terms with at some point before it became a part of your self-perception. From their perception, something they always thought was true has changed. All this time they’ve seen you as one thing, and now you’re saying that you never were that thing. It’s a big shift to take in, and a lot of the time parents aren’t prepared for it and they don’t know how to react so they try to deny that it’s real. But over time, they can grow to accept you, even if they didn’t initially.

Oftentimes at first, parents will “forget,” or pretend it never happened and go into denial, or outright refuse to do it. You have to keep talking to them about it and keep asking and keep explaining why it’s important to you before they consider doing it.

So you shouldn’t wait for them to ask you questions about being trans or your prefered name, you should directly tell them even if they didn’t ask you. And you need to keep having those tough conversations about name and pronouns because your family won’t likely spontaneously do it unless you keep reminding them to, and keep explaining how it hurts you when they don’t.

Lee says:

It sucks that your sister isn’t accepting, but that doesn’t mean she should hold you back from doing what makes you the happiest.

If you want people to call your by your preferred name in college, then you need to find the confidence to ask people to call you your preferred name! 

It may also help to start doing it on social media because posting online about your new name first might make you feel less anxious about telling people face-to-face. Therapy might help if you can’t develop the confidence on your own. 

Helpful links:

Lee says:

As our FAQ says “Cost of hormones all depends on your insurance, location, doctor, and what pharmacy you go to. You’ll have to look into all of these personally. We cannot give price estimates because of the high variance.” 

However, this page lists some typical prices of estrogen and prices of testosterone blockers if you scroll halfway though it so that’s a good starting place for your research before you check online or at your local pharmacies (goodRX is helpful to check the price of your prescription without insurance).

And here’s an ask about how long you have to be on E before the changes become impossible to hide.

Lee says:

If you don’t think your parents are going to put you in danger if you disobey them and come out at school, I’d say go for it and do what you want to do. 

You’d feel (hella) more comfortable being out at school, so make a pro/cons of how much coming out at school is worth the backlash at home. If you can only feel comfortable in one place, either with your peers or with your parents, which would you choose? Do you think your parents would get over it given time, or do you think this could be dangerous for you?

If your safety is at risk then don’t come out, but otherwise, I’d say you should do it because you want to and it’ll make you happier (although the family backlash might add a source of stress which could negate that added happiness depending on how badly they react). So you have to decide for yourself! Nobody can decide if you should come out but you.

Lee says:

You can say “I’d rather not buy a ’cute woman’s bathing suit’- I’m happy with the bathing suit I have now and I’d rather spend the money on [comics/whatever hobby you have] or I’d like to actually wear something different than usual, maybe get a rash guard with SPF so I don’t have to keep putting sun block on my arms/body because I don’t like the sensory feeling of it” or whatever. 

You don’t want to simply refuse the offer of a new bathing suit- your mom is trying to get you a birthday gift, so saying “I don’t want that” isn’t going to work since she’ll insist on getting you something and her mind is stuck on “bathing suit” as the gift. So you want to re-direct it into something else if you can. 

Worst comes to worst, she insists on buying the suit and you don’t get to pick one that you like, you wear it for literally one day which sucks but and then you can just keep it in your closet after that.

You should definitely play up the “It’s my birthday so I want to do something that I’m interested in doing” angle. You can say you don’t want to go to the beach for your birthday after all, you’d rather go hiking then go to the movies, or go out for pizza and do whatever else you’d rather do. 

If you make it clear that you do want to spend time with them and you’re not trying to ditch them, you appreciate them trying to put an effort into doing something that would make you happy, but you’d rather [do other thing] and you should get to decide the activity because it’s your birthday so it’s supposed to be about what you want to do and not what they want. So trying to redirect them from the beach thing all together might also be a solution.

Our Dysphoria page has a Dysphoria when you have to go swimming link among other tips if you do end up having to do it, and we have a Not shaving legs post too.

Followers, any advice for anon?

Lee says:

You know your family the best- if you think doing something would put you in danger (abuse, being kicked out, being cut off financially before you can support yourself, etc) then we typically recommend you don’t do that thing until you have a safety plan.

If you think your parents reaction will be manageable and you won’t be in any danger, then choosing to get a haircut is 100% your decision and if you think it’ll be worth it to have short hair (to help you pass or to reduce dysphoria or because you just want it) then it makes sense to do the thing that will make you the happiest overall. 

As always, you know your situation best so we can’t decide what you should do for you.