We are a blog created for people of all ages who have questions concerning their gender identity. Read our FAQ here!
Transgender is an umbrella term that is inclusive of, but not limited to (nor forced upon), trans women, trans men, non-binary people, genderfluid people, genderqueer people, agender people, and anyone who doesn't identify as the gender assigned to them at birth.
Hello! I was wondering if their was any resources for people who experience gender dysphoria/question gender identity due to sexual trauma?
The TTSG mods say:
Hi anon! Unfortunately, your ask has been sitting in our inbox for awhile now and none of the mods are quite sure how to answer it or don’t have enough time to give your ask the answer it deserves.
However, we really like your question, so we’re going to hand this over to the followers and hope that one of them can help you. You can also check out our Other trans resource blogs page and re-ask your question to someone else, as different blogs have different specialties.
We’re sorry we couldn’t be of more help, but we have over a three thousand asks in our inbox, and we have to clear it out for a fresh start in the new year. We hope a follower or another blog can provide more assistance.
so I’m a trans guy and mlm but due to trauma and stuff men make me uncomfortable and it’s like weirdly invalidating. Like how can a guy be uncomfortable around guys.. Advice?
Lee says:
If you’re able to access therapy to help with addressing your trauma, that can be really helpful on your road to coping with it (aka recovery). Therapy can also help with finding strategies to self-validate when you’re feeling invalidated by something.
Followers, any advice on feeling valid when you’re uncomfortable around people of your gender due to trauma?
Followers say:
oyatsumi said: as a trans man, dating men is really hard due to trauma and misogeny! Because I am not passing people will treat me as a woman and it is horrible and misogeny has affected me so much that I only love girls and can date woman! Trans men can have limited access to make privellege and it is completely valid that men are hard to be around. Remember that their are men (I know most men suck) but there are men who will treat you right! Perhaps dating a cis man will be hard! Just take your time to heal and to be a better man then the men who have done you wrong. There are people who love you, and if you don’t have a safe space, cultivate a life where you feel belonged, and I believe in you ❤️💞
Is it okay/wrong of me to not want to date/be anything but friends with cis men ?Even not straight cis men.I’m a trans enby individual (afab)&have faced a lot of traumatic things with cis white hetero men&I don’t think I can really ever be romantically&sexually attracted to them or do romantic/sexual things with them.Idk if that’s always been the case or if my trauma has made it that way/contributed to it.I know trans men are men & I’m not trying to separate them but am I causing harm by this ?
Kii says:
No, trauma is a valid reason not to date cis men.
However, keep in mind you can’t always tell who is cis by looking at them, so you shouldn’t make assumptions about that.
I think my trauma & mental health has/is affecting me so greatly that I can’t make any connections to anyone which is scaring me because I know I’m capable of love and I know I feel it but there’s just this block there (besides that I think I’m demi to) of some sorts,what do I do ? I also can’t afford therapy
Kii says:
This is a little outside the scope of what our blog usually handles, but we have our mental health page, which has a lot of links depending on what specific mental heath issues you’re dealing with, including a trauma page. In our therapists and therapy link, we also have info on seeing a therapist when you can’t afford it. I would recommend contacting @mentalillnessmouse for additional mental health resources.
Hello! First I just wanted to say that your blog has been super helpful to me over the past few weeks on a number of different topics. Kudos to you all, you're fantastic! But I was wondering how one would go about exploring their gender when dealing with PTSD stemming a abusive ex who was, themself, transgender? I want to explore myself more but I keep running into roadblocks because things remind me of them. Would this be better to talk to a therapist about, perhaps?
Kii says:
I don’t have trauma about this specifically but I do have trauma related to something similar so hopefully this is helpful. However, if anyone has an experience like this, feel free to add on.
I’ve found that finding new associations for potentially upsetting topics is the most useful thing to do! So, make some new trans friends so you can associate trans-ness with something good.
You can also try to single out specific aspects of gender stuff that are upsetting to you and avoid those specifically, or find alternatives. Sometimes the alternatives can have the same ending effect, but doing them slightly differently might help your brain not make that connection. (So, for example, if you want to try men’s underwear but your ex wore boxers, you could try briefs or boxer briefs instead. If your ex wore a full tank binder but you want a binder, try a half tank binder or a binder in a different color than they had. If you want to try makeup and your ex always wore red lipstick, pick a different color lipstick or skip lipstick altogether and wear other types of makeup instead.)
If you have access to a therapist, that could also be helpful. We also have a page of mental health resources, and @mentalillnessmouse is a blog that specializes in mental health help.
I don’t feel anything when I look at ppl in public or online...I don’t feel what others describe & say they feel.I don’t know if I experience attraction of any kind until something more happens than just me seeing them.Am I broken ? Is there something wrong ? Could my trauma have a part in this ?
Lee says:
A lot of people don’t have sexual/romantic attraction just from seeing someone without knowing them at all, so that’s pretty normal and there’s nothing wrong with it.
The label demisexual/demiromatic might fit you if you’re looking for a word to describe that, but you don’t have to use any particular label for it if you don’t want to. Links: Sexualities, Non-binary sexualities, Mlm, wlw, nblnb, etc.
Sometimes people do feel their trauma influences their sexuality/romantic orientation, so it’s possible your trauma plays a part in your experience. If that’s the case, you may find your feelings change over time as you progress in your recovery/coping, or they may stay the same.
Some people identify on the ace/aro spectrum because of trauma, but not all ace/aro-spec people have experienced trauma and it’s possible to be ace/aro-spec without it (demi-sexual/romantic fit under the ace/aro-spec umbrella).
Gender identity is more commonly accepted as fluid, like with genderfluid people, but your sexual orientation can be too. It’s okay to use a label for your sexual/romantic orientation that fits you in the moment, like demisexual/romantic but later change your label when your experience is different- labels don’t have to be something you use for your whole life because sexuality and romanticism can change over time due to various factors, like trauma or dysphoria, or just because.
Our Mental health page has links on Getting help like convincing your parents to let you see a therapist and how to find one, info on coping with Trauma, and more, so check that page out!
And circling back to the main point- no, you aren’t broken.
TW : Sexual Assault I’m pretty sure you’ve answered this before but I couldn’t find it anywhere on your blog.Is it okay if trauma is tied to you being on the aromantic/asexual spectrum(or both)?When I look back before some bad stuff happen to me I think I fell on the asexual spectrum from a young age but I also feel my sexual assaults that have occurred over the yrs have contributed more to that (and other things)&now I feel like a fake or like I’m “contributing to the stereotype”,help :(
Is it okay if parts of your sexuality stem from trauma you’ve experienced ? Does that make my sexuality fake ? (I hope this makes sense...) I feel my trauma has played a part in sections of my sexuality but I feel excluded in a way since some stems from that...
Kii says:
I answered something similar here, but no, it doesn’t make your sexuality fake. However, some people who experience trauma have difficulty forming sexual/romantic relationships, and if that’s something that bothers you or it’s causing you to engage in dangerous/unhealthy behavior, you might want to work through it with a therapist.
I'm a chronically ill & disabled afab nonbinary person. Usually my dysphoria isn't horrible, but it always gets dreadful in medical settings as I have bad trauma from a gyno exam I didn't consent to a few years ago. However, due to my chronic illnesses I often have to go to the doctor's or the hospital, & some of the time I have to have exams that massively trigger my dysphoria & memories of trauma. How can I avoid getting triggered? & is there a way to clue them in without having to come out??
Personally, I would either have a short speech or letter prepared that you can give to new doctors that says something along the lines of:
“I am very easily upset by medical procedures, specifically ones that involve (things) because of a past experience where a medical professional touched me in private areas (feel free to elaborate) without my consent. I understand that (things that make you uncomfortable) may be necessary for this exam/procedure, and I want to receive the best care possible from you, but I would appreciate if you would (warn me first/let me have a parent in the room/etc) before you do (things that make you uncomfortable). If I end up having a flashback/panic attack, I need you to (stop immediately/call an emergency contact/leave me alone for 5 minutes to calm down/etc). Thank you for being understanding about my physical and mental health.”
If a doctor cannot respect and understand your needs, I would recommend trying to find a different doctor if possible.
Hey so probably the weirdest question ever: so my abusive ex was nonbinary. And I have recently been questioning my gender but I can't call myself nonbinary without thinking of them. But I'm not a boy and I'm not a girl. What should I do?? Sorry this is probably the weirdest situation ever...
Lee says:
I think that you should try to get connected with the non-binary community. Follow non-binary positivity blogs and non-binary selfie blogs and trans blogs! You currently have the association of “non-binary means my ex” and so you need to retrain your brain to associate non-binary people with the thousands of other non-binary folk who aren’t your ex, like exposure therapy sort of. Getting treatment for your mental health in the wake of the trauma should also help, and your therapist might be able to work with you on this!
I'm amab but I identify as transfem and I was physically and emotionally abused by my dad until I turned 18 a few months ago and moved out. Do you think I'm trans because of my dad?
Harper says:
Hey there anon!I’m in no way qualified to give you a definitive answer, or to even begin to try. What I will say is that this is something that is definitely worth considering with a therapist if you can get access to one. This article, by Dara Hoffman-Fox and the accompanying video has some really good points from which to start thinking from:
The first thing I want you to think about is why have you asked yourself this question? For one thing, I know some people are able to go with the theory of “It doesn’t matter what caused me to be transgender. Now I just need to figure out what to do about it.” So if you are the kind of person where that answer would fit well with you and you are okay with that, then I would say go with that. And then you’re able to move forward.
Not everybody’s like that. I also know there’s a lot of people who like to analyze all the different answers, all the different possibilities, and making sure that in the end, they are going to make the decision that is based on all the facts being looked at. And it is important for them to be able to look at these events from childhood and make sure that that didn’t somehow cause their transgender feelings.
The other thing I want to put out there is that, in my opinion, a trauma from childhood or even a significant event from childhood doesn’t cause someone to be transgender but it can definitely cause gender confusion. It can cause sexual orientation confusion. Depending on what the event is it could cause all sorts of confusion about yourself. If you have had some trauma or significant event in your past that altered your life in a big way it’s very normal to have confusion in general about who you are as a person. And of course that would include gender confusion.
Take a good look at this piece, its certainly well worth your time and what I’ve pasted here is only the very beginning. Reconciling abuse and trans identity is an incredibly tough thing. I myself have only recently realised that instead of centring abuse as a cause of me being trans - abuse merely stopped me from allowing to express my trans identity. Once I was free from abusive dynamics then I could actually be trans for the first time since I was a child. For me, abuse didn’t make me trans, it stopped me from ever realising I was.I hope this begins to help.
Lee says:
I know that some people feel that their trauma formed their gender, and others feel like the two were completely unrelated but your gender is valid, no matter what contributed to your realizing it! I have some resources below that might help with coping.
I had a traumatic experience a few years ago and ever since then I've felt like I was the wrong gender. Would that be considered valid transgender?
Lee says:Yes, your gender is valid no matter what contributed to forming your identity! We’ve gotten very similar asks in the past, so you aren’t alone in feeling that way.
(a non-urgent ask for Lee) why in your reply to the last anon did you imply it's possible for trauma to form someone's gender identity?
Lee says:
Because there are some people who feel that their trauma has formed their gender identity. You don’t have to understand that (your trauma may have been totally unrelated to your gender) but you need to validate that it’s their experience and it’s valid to feel that way.
somewhat time sensitive: So, I recently came out to my dad as trans, and though he accepts me, he doesn't fully believe I'm trans because I went through an 11yr trauma caused by my mother, so he thinks that I might just be distancing myself from being a girl because of that. Do you have any tips on how to make him realize that that isn't the case?
Some trans people identify their gender as being related to trauma, but other people feel like their trauma is totally unconnected to their trauma and that’s also fine.
If the first two links weren’t helpful, send another ask :)
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