Transgender Teen Survival Guide

Lee says:

One of the reasons people often struggle with questioning their gender identity or sexual orientation is because they have a certain mental self-conception of who they are and it can be difficult to shift that view. If you've always thought that you were an X, and maybe you've even found community and solidarity in being an X, it can be hard to suddenly realize that maybe you're actually a Y.

In my personal experience, as someone who did actually identify as a lesbian for a number of years, I did have a similar experience as what you're describing. I was completely unaware of the LGBTQ+ community in elementary school and I didn't even know that lesbians existed until middle school.

I know there's a lot of 'discourse' on the concept of compulsory heterosexuality, but that term kind of describes what I experienced as someone who had grown up just assuming I was straight because it didn't occur to me that there were any other options.

After I realized that being gay was A Thing That Is Possible, I still thought of it as something that other people did. I had a lot of internalized homophobia because I learned about being gay from peers who made jokes about hoping there were no lesbians in the locker room. I hadn't met any other LGBTQ+ person at all in real life who had come out to me.

This was genuinely not that long ago, but it was still a particular moment of time when middle schoolers often said "That's so gay" as an insult, we debated about whether same-sex marriage should be legalized in classes and explicitly homophobic statements were normalized, and casually throwing around the f-slur was much more common than it is now (although it still happens, those saying it tend to know that they're being offensive and say it to purposefully be edgy and offend).

So two big things had to combine for me to figure out my sexual orientation-- 1) I had started to go though puberty & experience sexual attraction for the first time, so that was a big component, and 2) I had also learned that a label for what I was experiencing existed.

When both of those criteria were met, it still took a while to put two and two together and figure out that maybe I was attracted to women and then even longer to actually admit it to myself that I was a lesbian and actually accept myself and let go of the shame/internalized homophobia.

I was the first person to come out publicly in my grade at school which wasn't always easy, but being an advocate and activist was a big part of my journey because standing up for my community helped me to grow into a "loud and proud" embrace of my own identity.

Being a lesbian was a really big part of who I was, and the lesbian community was a lifeline for me when I felt alone and needed to have a community and connection to others and see that there was hope for the kind of future I wanted to have.

That meant it was really difficult for me to start the journey of self-exploration and questioning again. I knew who I was! I had fought for it! Everyone else knew too! How could I reconsider, after all that energy and time I put into insisting I was a lesbian? What would happen to my place in the community?

When I came out as non-binary, I kept identifying as a lesbian for a while because I didn't want to let go of an identifier that was so meaningful to me, or a community that had formed part of my sense of self and my cultural references. Long-time followers might remember that I introduced myself as a genderqueer lesbian in my first post on this blog!

But eventually, I decided that I no longer felt comfortable self-identifying as a lesbian because it felt like I was trying to hold onto something that wasn't mine anymore. I couldn't reconcile strenuously rejecting being categorized as female in any way while also claiming a spot in the lesbian community.

I'm not passing judgement on anyone else's decision to identify as a non-binary lesbian-- everyone's gender/identity/experiences are different-- but personally, I felt that my sexual orientation label was in conflict with my newly found gender identity categorization as a transmasculine person.

Being a lesbian just didn't feel comfortable for me anymore, it didn't feel like my home anymore. And that hurt! It was my decision to change the labels I used, and I still feel that it was and is the right choice for me, but that doesn't make it any easier to feel like you're giving up a part of who you are.

So I get it, because I've been there. I understand why you might be afraid of something that might cause you to lose that piece of your identity and your community. But even if it happens, I promise you'll be fine in the end. I came through to the other end and I'm doing better than ever because I'm happy with my body and who I am.

What you gain through hormonal transition is often worth the discomfort/stress/etc of questioning gender/sexuality labels again-- if medically transitioning is the right path for you. While I am biased because of my own experience, I am also the first to admit that medical transitioning isn't right for everyone and that's okay and valid.

I was pretty depressed pre-medical transition and knew that medical transition was something that I needed to do, although I didn't always know exactly what transition options I wanted as my goals shifted over the course of my transition. But for me, seeking medical transitioning wasn't a choice, it was a necessity for my mental health.

If you feel similarly, and know that medically transitioning is going to improve your quality of life, then it is probably the right path for you, even if it means giving up a fragment of your identity and losing a community you used to belong to because you will (hopefully) be gaining peace of mind and an ability to live your daily life without feeling crushed by gender dysphoria.

Ultimately, you have to decide what is most important to you-- taking hormones and getting to have a body that you're comfortable with and exist in for the rest of your life, or trying to freeze your sexual orientation in place because you're afraid of change (which can be valid-- as I explained, I also felt like the decision to let go of the lesbian community was really tough and it can be a real loss!).

However, it's important to remember that changes in sexual orientation on HRT aren't guaranteed or universally experienced. Sexuality can be fluid for some people and changes (if they occur) may be more about discovering new aspects of oneself rather than losing existing traits. For others, HRT brings a greater alignment between their emotional state and physical body, which can clarify feelings that were always present but perhaps obscured.

I've seen people immediately try to smack down the idea that taking hormones can change someone's sexual orientation, and that's also not right-- I believe that is invalidating to those who do feel that their sexual orientation changed after hormones. It's good to remember that while hormones can influence feelings or attractions, they don't redefine your core identity. You are still the same person, even as some aspects of your experience might shift.

There are many reasons why someone might change their label after starting hormones. Some people may have had certain attractions they didn't feel comfortable acknowledging or expressing until they felt comfortable in their body and life and gender roles etc, but after they started hormones and grew comfortable with themself, they also became comfortable with the idea that maybe they had certain attractions that they didn't recognize before.

For example, I once spoke to a trans man who didn't feel attracted to women before hormones because he felt so dysphoric comparing his body to theirs that it overwhelmed all his other feelings on them until after he started T and became comfortable with his own body. It felt like he had a sudden change in his sexual orientation because all of a sudden he became attracted to features on women that formerly had only had triggered his own dysphoria. That's just one example-- there are, as you seem to have seen online, multiple folks who have shared their experiences about how hormones have affected their sexuality and sexual orientation.

The article Research Shows Many Trans Folks' Sexual Attractions Change After Transition is a great read if you're looking for more information about folks who feel that taking hormones changed their sexual orientation.

But as I mentioned, taking hormones won't necessarily change your sexual orientation. I wasn't attracted to men before I started testosterone, and now that I'm on testosterone... I'm still not attracted to men! Testosterone did not change my sexual orientation one bit.

While there are definitely folks who report feeling that their sexual orientation shifts after starting hormones, there are also many people (like me) who have a pretty consistent orientation over the years. It's totally valid and normal to experience anxiety/fear/concern about major changes to your life, and you aren't 'wrong' for worrying about how hormones might change your life and identity. Holding onto your identity as a lesbian can be a significant and empowering anchor.

Your feelings are always valid, but if these fears about losing yourself become overwhelming, it can help to speak with a mental health professional like a therapist who can help you work through them and help guide you to weigh your options.

I don't really have a ton of advice other than to say that I've been there too. Although we obviously don't have exactly the same journey, I shared my experiences because I feel like a lot of us go though similar things, even if it's not exactly the same, and it can be useful to connect with other folks who have navigated the experience of choosing a transition path that has the potential to lead to a change in the label they use for their sexual orientation.

I would recommend thinking about what changes you hope to get from being on estrogen. It can be really helpful to consider what you would like to look like in 5 years or 10 years, and what you hope transitioning medically will do for your mental health and your life. You can make a list of the physical changes (e.g. increase in breast growth) and emotional changes (e.g. reduction in gender dysphoria) that you hope to undergo after starting hormones.

In your message to us, you only listed your fears-- you didn't note any of the reasons that you're interested in hormones at all. When you're exclusively focusing on the potential negatives (losing part of your identity/community) you aren't considering the potential positives which may be significant. Take some time to reflect on your feelings about your gender and body, not just your sexual orientation label.

In your case, you have one hypothetical negative to starting estrogen (potentially becoming attracted to men) which isn't a guaranteed outcome. Does that risk outweigh the other changes that you will experience on hormones?

Thinking about what you can do to bring your current-you closer to your ideal future-you might help you to make a decision today, if that makes sense. You will often have to make decisions in life that have trade-offs. You rarely face options that make you choose between something that is 100% perfect and something that is 100% awful. Usually things are more shades of grey.

When all's said and done, I'd like you to remember that you're not alone-- Many folks in the trans community have also dealt with changing their sexual orientation labels at some point or another during their transition so there is community out there for you to lean on, and seeing a therapist can also help you talk through your options regarding starting hormones.

I'm confident that you'll find the right path for your needs and identity-- and there's no rush! Everyone has a different journey.

Followers, feel free to add on!

Lee says:

Lipofilling, or fat grafting, involves removing fat from one area and transferring it to another area, and it's often used for body contouring surgeries (this article has an example of that, heads up for surgical images).

Top surgery for people looking to have a flat chest often involves direct excision combined with liposuction to create a more masculine contour, but there are a lot of variations in how it's done which can depend on your goals and your surgeon's technique!

You should talk with your surgeon at your top surgery consult and make sure you are very clear on what your goals are in undergoing surgery (you can even bring a photo with your ideal chest outcome) and get clarification on what techniques they plan to use to help you to reach those goals.

Ask about anything that you're worried about, whether it's what type of scarring you'll have, how sensation will be affected, what complications are expected, whether you'll need drains, what activity limitations you will have, what recovery will look like for you, etc.

While we can provide general information about surgery, you really do have to talk about what your surgeon plans to do in your case with them specifically; everyone has different bodies and surgeons have different techniques, and you can't assume that your surgeon will do the same thing as another surgeon you've seen online.

autumn says:

yes. you're welcome here. If you want to be trans and say you're trans, you can say you're trans.

Fuck the haters.

Lee says:

If you're a minor, you will need her permission to start testosterone which may take time, so think of your first conversation about starting T as just that-- the first conversation of many! It can take a number of conversations before she understands why you want T and how important it is for you, even if she's pretty supportive in general.

If you're not a minor, approach the conversation in a way that makes it clear that you've already made up your mind and are starting the process and are taking the time to inform her because she's important to you and you want her to know what's going on in your life but make sure she understands that you've already decided and you're not looking for feedback on whether or not you should do it.

In either situation, there are some basic steps to follow:

1. Choose the Right Time and Setting:

Find a quiet, comfortable place where you both can sit down without distractions. Choose a time when you both aren't rushed or stressed.

If you help clean up after dinner, for example, you could go on a walk together in the evening and then have a talk as you walk which can make it easier to discuss heavy topics because you don't have to be sitting face-to-face.

You could also talk on a weekend if you have an activity scheduled that'll get you out of the house after, like hanging out with friends, which can provide an excuse to have a hard stop to the discussion time if you need to leave at a certain point and seeing friends can help you de-stress too.

This might seem obvious, but don't do it on a holiday day! It might be a convenient time for you if you're normally away at school, but Thanksgiving Day or the first night of Hanukkah something is not the best time to discuss something like this.

2. Start with Appreciation:

Begin by expressing gratitude for her support so far. For example: "Mom, I really appreciate how understanding and supportive you've been about my identity. It means a lot to me."

3. Express Your Feelings:

Share your feelings and experiences. Let her know how you've been feeling and why you believe testosterone is the right step for you. For instance: "Lately, I've been feeling [describe your feelings], and after a lot of research and self-reflection, I believe that starting testosterone could help me feel more aligned with who I am."

If you've been struggling with dysphoria or mental illness, this is a good opportunity to bring that up and request a therapist, which can also be a step toward starting T as some providers will request a mental health letter before starting HRT.

4. Provide Information:

It's possible that your mom might not know much about testosterone and its effects. Offer to share resources, articles, and connect her with other parents whose children have started T (if you know of any-- if you don't, PFLAG is a good place to start). This can help her understand more about the process of starting T and it's also a good opportunity to demonstrate that you've done your research and are prepared and know what to expect yourself.

5. Address Concerns:

Be prepared for questions or concerns. It's natural for a parent to worry about their child's well-being and she may wonder what the long-term health ramifications could be. Address her concerns calmly and provide reassurance, and remind her that your care will be supervised by a medical professional who can answer additional questions at your intake/consult.

6. Ask for Support:

Be direct in asking for her support. You could say, "I understand this is a lot to take in, but I was hoping you could support me in starting testosterone. It's something I believe will greatly benefit my well-being." That way you've asked her to be on your team working with you.

7. Offer to Involve Her:

If she's open to it, suggest that she accompany you to a support group or medical consultation (if you're a minor). This can help her feel involved and provide her with a better understanding of the process.

You should be direct in explaining what you're looking for when you invite her to be involved. If you just need her consent, tell her that you've already researched it and found a good provider who is in-network with your insurance, and is accepting new pediatric patients for HRT, so you don't need her help scheduling the appointment but need her to accompany you.

If you don't know what the next step is, you can ask her to take the lead in the process and work together with your to find a provider.

8. Be Patient:

Even if she's supportive, she might need some time to process the information. Give her the space to think and come back to the conversation later if needed.

Again, this isn't the final conversation you'll have with her on the topic, so be ready to discuss it again whether or not she says no or yes or maybe.

9. Seek Professional Guidance:

Consider suggesting a joint session with a therapist or counselor who has experience with working with trans folks. They can provide both of you with guidance, support, and resources, and may help you if you need to get a letter for HRT.

10. Just do it!

It's hard to know how to say it, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go for it. Your mom's primary concern is likely your happiness and well-being, but that doesn't mean she will necessarily immediately support medical transitioning without any reservations or hesitation even if she supported other aspects of your transition, and knowing that and being prepared for it will help you be prepared to deal with that possibility if it happens.

You're opening yourself up for rejection and getting hurt emotionally if she doesn't respond the way you hope she will, so make sure you have a support system ready to help you out if you need it. Tell your friends about your plan and make sure someone will be available to process what happened after the conversation is over. Treat yourself and remember that you're super brave and doing what you need to do to be happy in your body.

If you're emotionally mature enough to deal with talking with your mom about something tough, and you show that you're responsible and would be able to handle taking a medication, and that you're consistent and persistent in your identity and request to be on HRT, she may realize that you're growing up and you're ready to have a vote when it comes to your own care.

Good luck!

Followers, any advice for anon?

Lee says:

Your well-being is the most important thing. Your mental health matters more than appeasing your transphobic mom! If starting testosterone is a crucial step for your mental and emotional health, it’s essential to prioritize it. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to start ASAP, but it does means having a plan to start, even if that plan involves moving out.

Having the support of your father is useful-- let him know if you need him to be a buffer between you and your mother, and ask him to stand up for you if she crosses the line from "unsupportive" to "verbally abusive". If he's okay with you starting T, he can help you to present your case with your mother.

Maintaining open, honest, and respectful dialogue is the only thing you can do to try and help your mom understand your choices. Sometimes people surprise you and change-- even if it takes years to happen.

But even if your mom is stubborn and never understands, if you express your feelings, experiences, and needs clearly, and tried to listen to her concerns and fears and address them, at least you'll know that you did all that you can to try and reach out to her and you won't have any regrets about not having tried harder to salvage the relationship.

Sometimes, providing educational resources and answering questions can alleviate some concerns, so if she's willing, having her speak to another cisgender mom who is supportive of their young adult on testosterone can help, and you can try providing her with the meeting times for your local PFLAG chapter or other parent support group.

Remember, this is your journey, and it’s important to make decisions that align with your needs, values, and well-being. The things I may choose to prioritize may not make sense for your current situation. While I would personally lean towards the "fuck around and find out" type of approach to starting T without your mom's support since you are an adult and aren't concerned about losing your housing, that can also backfire if you're living in a place where you don't feel safe.

Even if you think that your mom wouldn’t kick you out, it’s essential to assess all the risks involved thoroughly, including the risk to you emotionally. You have to weigh the positive impact of starting T and feeling more comfortable in your body (which can help with depression) with the potential impact on your mental and emotional health due to possible increased tension or conflict at home (which can make depression worse).

While you're going through this, getting support from a mental health professional or counselor can be literally life-saving, especially if you already struggle with mental illness. A therapist who has a lot of experience with trans clients can provide guidance, support, and resources to help you and your family navigate this journey. They can also facilitate family discussions, and it can be helpful to have them "referee" tough conversations with your mom-- sometimes having a third party witness helps people to reign in their behavior so it don't get too out of hand.

If you're not in the mental place you need to be to move out, therapy (whether it's one-on-one meetings with an individual therapist or an intensive outpatient group program) might also help with getting the stability you need to be ready to live more independently.

Building a support network outside your family can also help give you an outlet when things are rough at home. Connecting with friends, support groups, or organizations that understand and support your journey can help you get through the tough times.

Everyone says "it gets better" for a reason, but sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. It can be hard to start medically transitioning because you might find changes don't happen as quickly as you had hoped, and there's often a point when you're more "visibly trans" but not yet passing 100% of the time which can make you feel even more self-conscious when it comes to things like using a gendered locker room at the local gym when you don't know whether people in either room might complain to the front desk about someone of the "Wrong" gender being in there.

Even though moving out isn’t an immediate option, it can help to think of developing a plan for eventual independence as part of your transition too. Working, saving money, exploring housing options, learning how to "Adult" and get health insurance, etc, are all things that can move you closer to your goal of transitioning, especially if you decide to wait to start T until after you've moved out.

It can really help to break things into tiny steps (like spending a certain amount of time per day job hunting or aiming to save up a target amount) remember that you not only have a goal but also a plan and a path to get there and achieve that goal.

Personally, I would probably chose to start T, but I'm not you. If you've been ruminating on this for a while and still can't decide what to do, making a simple pro/con T-chart can help sometimes. If that doesn't work, and you've talked it over with your dad to get his opinion, and asked your friends, and you're still not sure, then maybe it's time to consult a therapist again-- they can really help with the emotional side of this type of decision-making. But in the end, it's up to you.

Good luck!! I believe in you!!!

Followers, any advice for anon?

autumn says:

takes off trans hat and puts on polymer scientist hat

after the silicone has polymerized, its not gonna expire. You can absolutely degrade it, but you're not gonna degrade it by general use/wear. Silicone polymers are extremely resistant against heat, and a lot of chemicals. Yeah they will probably degrade, but this is over the span of years of heavy use (I don't think just wearing a packer would constitute heavy use). The expiry that I think you might be thinking of is uncured silicone, which can "expire."

hope this helps. maybe other people who follow the account will have other experiences with them though.

edit: i really hope you aren't exposing (by exposing I mean like, dipping it in beakers of these solvents) your packers to the chemicals that I'm thinking of, that would be very weird, don't wear your packer after you submerge it in DCM or chloroform or like hot acid, that's not good for your skin.

autumn says:

grats on 4 years. thats like a whole bachelors degree worth of time on HRT! thank you for the love :)

autumn says:

heya, sorry this is happening to you. Good on you for recognizing that rib pains means that something is wrong and working to fixing it. My advice would be to either step up the binder size again, or try a different method of binding such as Trans tape or KT tape.

Its slightly worrisome that you are still experiencing rib pains when not binding on in a sports bra, you might want to go to a doctor if you can, that's not normal.

many thanks to my amazing boyfriend @mxpaint again for consulting on this question

autumn says:

Heya, this is a really common issue amongst folks and doctors know how to handle it. Unfortunately, you are definitely going to need to get your blood drawn for HRT, however, you are not the first person to hate needles. Tell your doctor and or the phlebotomist about your fear and they usually have protocols to help you through it. In some cases, they bring in another nurse who is good at talking, and they talk to you the entire time and before you know it, its done.

You got this, unfortunately it is kinda a part of informed consent and making sure your hormones are at a healthy level, but your fear doesn't mean you cant go on T.

Sending love <3

autumn says:

three words: Lets. Fucking. GOOOOOO!!!!!

autumn says:

oof ouch, sorry about your mom finding out.

keep your head up and go engineer some mechanicals. Let me know if you need anything!! you got this gamer.

autumn says:

idk if you will see this anon because this is a post from awhile ago but you can absolutely be trans in stem. You absolutely do not need to give up your passion for mechanical engineering to exist, thrive and live as a guy.

I'm a chemist currently in a PhD program and I'm extremely out, extremely proud and loving every second of being trans, even in stem. I'm not going to lie to you and say that its always been easy because there are some assholes, but there are more good people than bad people where I'm at.

The biggest thing about finding a place that is accepting (and I'm thinking you're probably fixing to go to college), is to go to places that have track records being good with queer shit. I went to an undergraduate school that had a very active queer community and a large stem presence. While there weren't a lot of queers in my stem classes (there were some and we definitely found each other), I was able to supplement my stem classes with queer classes and queer people. Look for schools/workplaces that have a community in place, and/or (if you are in the US) find a chapter of NOGLSTP or Out in Stem or any other queer stem societies. With a meche degree you can get a good paying job pretty much anywhere, or go to graduate school to get a masters/phd and get a job from there.

You got this anon. There needs to be more queers in meche!!!

autumn says:

you absolutely don't need bottom dysphoria to be trans. you don't even need dysphoria at all to be trans. there is no prerequisite to being trans, no hoops to jump through and no check boxes to fill. if you want to ID as trans, you can simply ID as trans.

It is absolutely normal not to have bottom dysphoria, I know so many trans people who love their stock bits and have no plans on getting any types of surgery.

autumn says:

huge pog champion

autumn says:

oh hell yeah we love to see it

autumn says:

the myth that HRT doesn't do anything when you start "later" in life is bullshit and and a lie created by transphobes to stop people from transitioning. E (and by extension T)'s effects don't really care about what age you start, E is gonna do its magic. I know so many trans women who started E even later than she did and they are the most gorgeous people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. Don't let the transphobes get to her.

autumn says:

In my many years of being trans (like close to 9 now), I've found that the best determinant of whether you come under the trans umbrella is yourself.

Do you want to be trans? If yes, congrats, you're trans. If you don't want to be trans, you don't have to ID with the label.

Gatekeeping is bad and we should do everything we can to dismantle gatekeeping. Hope this helps.