Transgender Teen Survival Guide

Lee says:

When people say they’re worried that their identity is just a phase, I always direct them towards the Decatastrophizing: The “What If” Technique and (Worksheet). In 5 years, having mistakenly called yourself non-binary won’t ruin your life. If you decide you’re not trans, you’ve still had an adventure into gender that likely widened your understanding of your own self and your understanding of other people- that’s a happy ending regardless of whether you end up deciding you’re trans or cis and there’s no harm done. So even if the worse case scenario happened, and you had to tell people you were mistaken about your identity, it still wouldn’t be the end of the world. It might be rough for a bit, but everyone would move on. But this worst-case scenario isn’t likely!

The other thing I tell people when they’re worried that their identity is just a phase: you know yourself. You’re identifying as non-binary for a reason, and you feel happier this way and more comfortable this way. You know that you’re non-binary- you’ve said so yourself- you just need to trust yourself. That’s easier said than done, but you’ve already taken the first step by realizing that your anxiety is causing the intrusive self-doubt, and once you’ve identified that as the issue you can consciously try validating yourself and try to use one of your coping skills, whether that’s distraction, mindfulness, or anything that else that helps you. You know you’re trans, and it is very unlikely that you’re faking being trans to yourself.

Self-acceptance:

Intrusive thoughts:

General coping skills:

The blog @mentalillnessmouse might be able to help more with coping with intrusive thoughts and validating!

Followers, any advice or tips for anon?

Lee says:

It’s easy to second-guess yourself when it comes to any big life decision. You may think “Should I have applied to different colleges? What if I decide to switch my major after my first year and I’m stuck at a small school?” and then the first anxiety thought starts you down the spiral of How-Can-We-Truly-Know-What-We-Will-Want-One-Day and what if my decision today Ruins my future later and so on and so forth. 

But the truth is we’re only human. We aren’t omnipotent- we can’t know with  100% certainty what we will be thinking and feeling and doing 20 years from now, or 40 years from now- but we have to live our lives anyway, and that means making choices that will affect our (yet to be determined) futures.

You gotta base your decisions on your past (have you felt this way for a while?) and on your dreams of what the future could be (do you picture yourself growing up to be someone who has been on T?), as well as what you think would make you the happiest/most comfortable/help your mental health in the long run. 

Anxiety can even make the small decisions (like what you should wear to an interview) feel impossible to decide because it could be fraught with future-wrecking pitfalls. But to move forward, sometimes you have to push past your anxiety and do what you need to do (like just choose some clothes) despite the anxiety shouting at you.

Your anxiety might be freaking out right now, but you know yourself- if you’ve been consistent and persistent about your desire to start testosterone, then it’s likely the right choice for you. 

Coping with anxiety:

Followers, anything to add?

Followers say:

largebluepanda said: When I felt this way right before starting T I treid to think about the future on T vs not on it. It was a guy feeling of sadness when I imagined myself not on it. This might not work the same way for you, because we are all unique individuals with complex feelings of our own, but I think that it’s often the case that deep down we know what we want even if anxiety tries to tell us otherwise

yaoiphobicc said: hi anon! i just started t about a week ago and this exact same thing happened to me. i was so so sure i wanted to be on t for YEARS and then when it finally became a reality i got cold feet and suddenly was really nervous and had a lot of self doubt but the second i finished with my first shot all of it went away and even know i’ve yet to see any changes, i feel so much more confident in my identity now that i know t is in my system.

Lee says:

It’s normal to have self-doubt about your gender, but it isn’t normal to hear voices, so I’d advise looking into mental health treatment. It can be hard to figure out who you are, and the voices may or may not be telling you the truth. Getting anti-psychotics can help make the voices quieter so you can start figuring out who you are yourself without them shouting over you so it’s easier to think. I take my anti-psychotics twice a day, and I can tell it’s harder for me to focus and think without them.

Devon says:

(I may not understand your ask, so send in another one if I’m misinterpreting...)

It makes a lot of sense to feel less dysphoria when you are wearing “boy” clothes, if you are a trans guy! I think this is something that a lot of trans guys experience. Also, it is definitely okay to only feel dysphoria at certain times. The amount of dysphoria that you experience doesn’t change how trans you are. (You don’t have to experience dysphoria to be transgender!)

Here are some of our pages that might be helpful to you:

I’d suggest looking for “boy” pjs to replace the pjs that currently give you dysphoria! Best of luck.

The TTSG mods say:

Hi anon! Unfortunately, your ask has been sitting in our inbox for awhile now and none of the mods are quite sure how to answer it or don’t have enough time to give your ask the answer it deserves.

However, we really like your question, so we’re going to hand this over to the followers and hope that one of them can help you. You can also check out our Other trans resource blogs page and re-ask your question to someone else, as different blogs have different specialties.

We’re sorry we couldn’t be of more help, but we have over a thousand unanswered asks in our inbox, and we have to clear it out for a fresh start in the new year. We hope a follower or another blog can provide more assistance.

Charlie says:

hey!! You are absolutely not a fake lesbian. As an nb lesbian myself, I often feel wary of cis people and opt to spend time with trans/nb wlw when there’s the ability to do so. You shouldn’t have to choose between being a lesbian and your nb identity (though that’s not true for all people) and it’s perfectly understandable to take solace in the company of other people in the nb/trans community.

Devon says:

Sadly, I don’t know of a way to tell if a name is The One!

Personally, I chose my name because it’s gender neutral and similar to a nickname that a couple of my friends used to call me. I feel more comfortable with my name than I do with my birthname/deadname, but I think I would be equally as comfortable if I had chosen a different gender neutral name.

“Devon” definitely feels like my name now that I have gone by it for a few years, but I don’t think it’s like the name version of my soulmate, or anything like that.

Remember to check our FAQ! Question 1 is about choosing your name.

Lee says:If you’ve been sure about going on T thus far, it’s not likely you’ll regret it. The vast majority of trans people who medically transition don’t regret their transition and your mom is only pointing out the few cases that match her point.

Also, trans women don’t even take testosterone, they take estrogen, so her saying that mtf people regret taking T shows she has no idea what she’s talking about. I’d just try to ignore her.

Charlie says:

I know that when you put it that way, it can sound the same.  And in many ways, the two procedures are very similar.  The person getting a nose job (if not trans related) may be doing it for a variety of very valid reasons that one might not think of because we’re so used to seeing plastic surgery as superficial in our culture (though in a lot of ways it can be- but I digress).

However, for many trans people, this is a basic need and a fundamental matter of not only mental health, but safety.  Not passing has been known to cause serious harm to a lot of (mostly transfeminine) trans people in the way of getting murdered or assaulted as an extreme example, but even if not that a lot of harassment.  Additionally, the dysphoria caused to some by the lack of surgery can be very influential and shape someone’s entire mental outlook.  The overall rampant mental illness and suicide in the trans community would be drastically curbed in my opinion if surgery were an accessible option to everyone.

Listen, I know that a lot of cis people will compare us to people who just want surgery as an ‘upgrade’ and those who just do it for the appearance aspect. I’m here to assure you that not only are trans people not just playing ‘dress-up,’ but that your identity is valid no matter what and your place in the trans community does not and will never depend on surgery. Good luck

Charlie says:

yes, it is possible, but you’re of course the only one who can make that call. Testosterone will take a while to give you any permanent/noticeable changes, so you have plenty of time to figure yourself out.  Good luck

Lee says:

I sorta disagree with the “Testosterone will take a while to give you any permanent/noticeable changes, so you have plenty of time to figure yourself out.” part.

If you aren’t sure about taking T, then I would recommend stopping it until you’re certain because some people get changes faster than others and most changes aren’t easily reversed, so it’s easier to stop taking it until you know for sure then start again compared to taking it when you aren’t sure, then later regretting the changes and having to undergo laser hair removal and stuff.

Charlie says:

you’re absolutely not less trans for regretting coming out!! You never know fully what’s going to happen after coming out, and even if you get to be yourself and tell the truth, trans people often (almost always) experience negative consequences and backlash for coming out.  I definitely get the feeling of being scrutinized/ under the spotlight for being who you are, especially when a lot of cis people are gonna expect you to represent and hold the opinions of almost all trans people.

Whether or not you continue to identify as trans is really up to you and we can never tell you that when we don’t know you personally.  It’s alright to be confused, or realize you’re actually cis, or crave the familiarity of misgendering. Just know that plenty of trans people go through the same thing.

Charlie says:

yes it is, a lot of people feel like they’re faking sometimes. Doubting yourself is normal and okay.

Kii says:

We can’t tell you whether you’re trans or not. Feminine boys definitely do exist, but if you don’t feel like a boy, then you probably aren’t one. However, you’re the one that needs to figure out how you feel, preferably without the influence of others: Do you feel like something other than a boy? Or are you just agreeing with your mom because she’s usually right or you see her as wise?

Kii says:

Maybe? I’m not one to say that anything is impossible, because there’s a wide variety of experiences people have and I don’t know every single one of them.

However, another way to look at it might be that you are male, so therefore the people you are more likely to look up to as idols/role models are male because you have your gender (and possibly ideal body type, etc) in common.