!!

!!

(please don’t use ableist language in your asks)

!!

Lee says:

Maybe genderfuck (sometimes called genderpunk to be more PG) or agender, depending on whether you want to emphasize the not-giving-a-shit-about-gender part more than the your-gender-not-existing part. Either or both of those labels might work.

Our What am I? post has a few links to look through:

Followers, any label suggestions for anon?

!!

Lee says:

Yeah, social comparison can be the worst.

This past Spring when I was in Calc, the girl next to me said she was really disappointed about how poorly she did on the last test and she had gotten a shitty grade, and I was like oh yeah me too! And then she showed me her test, and it was a B- and I had gotten a C-. And then I felt like “Gee, if she feels like that’s shitty than what about me? I did even worse!”

I had a similar thing happen again when I was complaining that my voice hadn’t dropped even though I’m 2 years on T, and a friend who was only 3 months on T said they felt the same and their voice was way too high- even though their voice had already dropped lower than mine had despite being on T for a way shorter time. 

It also happens with weight, and literally everything else that people feel bad about- there are a lot of situations in life where you’re going to feel bad about something, and then someone who has it better than you in that department is going to say that they feel bad about the same thing and so then comparing yourself to them makes you feel even worse.

As for practical things- Peecock Height Increase Insole type of things can help you appear a bit taller, besides wearing shoes with thick soles, or combat boots with a bit of a heel. There’s more on that in Appearing Taller: About Shoe Lifts and Shoes with Built-in Lifts. You can also look at Dressing Taller: Tips for Shorter Folks. There’s also a list of short celebrity men here, which might help you feel better since you’re not alone in being on the shorter side!

There isn’t too much to do about it- you have to just try to take care of yourself in the way that works best for you. I usually try to distract myself from it and give it some time until the initial sting is over and it’s less painful, then I try to validate myself. 

Depending on the situation, I’ll tell the person “Hey, I really love talking to you and I want to still be able to discuss trans-related things, but I’m also going through a hard time right now and whenever other people start talking about things that make them dysphoric it makes me feel worse about my own body. So I’d appreciate it if we could steer our conversations away from topics like height dysphoria and such.” 

That way you aren’t invalidating their dysphoria, but you’re also saying that it isn’t really something you want to discuss. But do this sensitively, and if you ask them not to mention their dysphoria then you should try not to dominate the conversation with yours so they don’t feel put out. You can try to talk to someone else who isn’t dysphoric about the thing that you’re dysphoric about, and/or talk to a therapist if you want to discuss the height dysphoria thing.

Followers, any tips for anon?

Followers say:

acompletemusicalnerd said: (This can go for all comparison-related problems.) If someone is making you feel bad about yourself, don’t be afraid to (politely) let them know! If they’re truly a good person, they’ll accept that and be able to steer away from that conversation. It’s important for everyone to talk about their problems, but if their problems are making you feel worse about you, they’ll most likely be able to find someone else to talk to.

Lee says:

Yes, your gender identity is valid no matter what sex acts you prefer. And if someone told you otherwise they’re misinformed (and probably also an asshole).

While some trans guys prefer not to have vaginal sex because it triggers their dysphoria, other trans guys are perfectly comfortable having vaginal sex with an understanding and supportive partner.

The only “criteria” to be male is to feel like you’re male- it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with what you do in bed and which parts you use or don’t use.

Lee says:

I haven’t heard of that specific term before myself- but I looked it up and found:

“Genderfaun - genderfluidity that never encompasses being feminine/female but may encompass being neutral or male” (source)

Genderfluid people and other non-binary people fall under the trans umbrella, and yes, people using gender identity microlabels (like genderfaun) who don’t identify as cis would also count as trans.

I believe that a gender identity can fall under the trans umbrella without it being generally known and societally accepted yet.

Basically- if you don’t fully identify as the gender you were assigned at birth 100% of the time, you can call yourself trans.

Followers sazy:

john-please-dont-be-a-bitch said: also, for anyone wondering, the opposite of this (genderfluidity that never encompasses being masculine or male but may encompass being neutral or female) is called genderfae!

Lee says:

If people judge you internally but leave you alone about it, then you can decide if you want to just wear pants and t-shirts and hide it, or stand up to them, or just ignore them all together- they aren’t preventing you from doing what you want to do because them thinking whatever they’re thinking doesn’t necessarily have to affect your life or your behavior in any way.

I’ve found that most strangers don’t make comments on me not shaving my legs or arms, but I did overhear someone comment on it once in the high school girl’s locker room and my mom had a few questions.

Honestly, I just wore pants all summer when I stopped shaving my legs and t-shirts instead of tank-tops until I was confident enough to not care what random people thought, which was helped by most of my friends being supportive of me. So it’s possible to stop shaving before you’re ready for people to see that you’ve stopped shaving, and that way you do have the validating leg and armpit hair but you don’t necessarily have to be public about it until you want to be. There’s nothing wrong with taking the path of least resistance- you don’t have to always Make A Big Stand and educate everyone if you don’t feel like you’re ready for that or up for it. But if you want to, this can be a good opportunity to explain why it’s okay to present yourself in the way that you’re the most comfortable presenting yourself.

If you make it into a feminist thing then that might throw them off from the trans thing if you’re not able to safely come out yet, so you could try telling anyone who comments to screw it because nobody should have to shave their natural body hair to fit societal gender norms. Women didn’t used to shave and it’s natural to not shave and let your body be as it is instead of conforming to gender norms that were created to sell you stuff. If you go for the the feminist angle, emphasize that you can do whatever you want with your body hair and it’s a double-standard that women shave shave their legs and men don’t have to. Those are both true true statements to say no matter what your own gender is, so that’s one way to explain it since you’re still closeted.

For issues with peers bullying at school:

You have to kind of judge your audience- will they listen if you politely tell them that it’s your choice not to shave and let it go? Or will they keep bothering you until a more aggressive response is needed?

In general, I’d say it’s likely that most people won’t say anything, and if the rare person does say something you can tell them to fuck off and/or try explaining it from a feminist perspective.

So I’d say go for it- it doesn’t matter if other people are judgmental, that’s their problem and not yours. So if you don’t want to shave your legs or your armpits, then don’t do it! It’s your body and it’s your choice.

Kii says:

Assuming you won’t be put in physical danger from doing so, try to focus on what you want, not what other people might think. If not shaving is going to make you happy, then don’t shave. Some people might stare or think differently of you, but their opinions shouldn’t matter as much as your comfort levels matter.

Followers say:

rogueinkglitch said: I literally never shaved my legs, even before knowing I was ftm, and I never had anyone notice or comment, even when playing on an all-girls sports team. In my experience, no one will care, and the people who do and are rude enough to say something aren’t worth your time.

desmordus said: Closeted ftm here! Although I usually wear pants and not shorts, my parents are the only people who have ever said anything negative about me not shaving my legs. Though whether or not other people notice and/or comment might come down to the local community’s culture

numbcult said: just like the blogger above my moms really the only one who gives/gave me trouble about not shaving, i’d just always say they were my legs not hers. everyone else kinda got shocked at first sight that i was wearing shorter pants and let it go. it can be nerve wracking at first especially if you’re not “out” but once you realize no one cares you’re a lot more comfortable

lilulak said: Keeping em hairy and wearing light loose pants and rolling up the bottoms is a good transition in my experience. People get used to seeing your hairiness and you get used to owning it/ it doesn’t risk being too overwhelming as much the way shorts do. My experience was that while young adolescents are very concerned about doing puberty/ adulthood “right”, people older than that really don’t care, or they think you’re a cool feminist smashing gender norms if they read you as a woman.

lycanthro-queer said: I honestly tell them to go fuck themselves. When i stopped shaving, i got a lot of shit at my work (a clothing retailer) from my boss and i had to explain that her control over my body ends as soon as i clock out and same with family. Im the only one who is with me always and I wear what I want with my unshaved legs. I stopped so i could transition, but as op says it can be a feminist thing, or even pass it off as too much effort when you could be doing x y z instead. If you’re self conscious, something i did was i spent a lot of time looking at hair and body positive tags on social media

zarathot said: if it’s any consolation to anon, i haven’t shaved since i was like 13-14 and i am extremely hairy even though i’m pre-T. hardly anyone will say anything to you. the most i’ve gotten in public are 2 second glances and i live in texas of all places. i’m not sure about the area you live in, but people surprisingly just do not care and they’ve generally got more to worry about than some hairy kid’s legs.

homofamiliaris said: another thing you can tell people who give you trouble about it is like…. it’s Cheaper to not shave. you/your parents don’t have to spend money on razors that way. also (depending on if it’s true or not, or if u feel like u can successfully lie to the person) you can say that shaving or other hair removal methods hurt your skin / u have sensitive skin or whatever.

Lee says:

I’ve found that most strangers don’t make comments on me not shaving my legs, but I did overhear someone comment on it once in the high school girl’s locker room.

In general, I’d say it’s likely that most people won’t say anything, and if they do say something you can tell them to fuck off and/or try explaining it from a feminist perspective.

If you want to wear shorts and not shave, then go for it!